Adios Muchachos!

All right boys, I hate to bring down your night and everything, but I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I'm going back to my mother land, Tejas. I'll only be gone for a few days, so the blog won't lack estrogen for too long (which can cause menopause). I'd like to share a few ideas I have about what I'm going to do in Texas: Compete in a rodeo-hopefully as a clown, make it even harder for myself to resist the urge to say "ya'll", go swimming in between rafts at the River Walk, pee on the Alamo, call home from a phone booth and use passers-by singing "Deep in the Heart of Texas" as proof that I actually am in Texas, grow a kick ass mustache that compliments my new sombraro, and give Leslie, the homeless transvestite in Austin five dollars.

So now you know what I'll be up to. I'm going to pretend like you're all crying yourselves to sleep while I'm gone (even though Drew does that every night anyway). Don't worry, there will be a tequila-worm lollipop/ scorpion belt in my bag for all of you when I get home. MWAH!!

None of my exes live in Texas. Thank God.
Kina

Naming Stuff for Fun & Profit

One of our favorite things to do, while staring into space and/or holding back the urge to retreat to the bathroom and quickly rub one out, is naming stuff. (If Paul is reading this, that last sentence went something like this: One of our favorite things to do, while helping customers and busily putting away returns, is naming stuff.)

I don’t mean that we look at our feet and say: “Those are no longer shoes, they’re codsbottoms!” or something like that. Instead, we imaginatively hypothesize what our name would be if we were say, a team of hot-air balloon enthusiasts. We usually think these things up, laugh for a few minutes, then they disappear into the muddy ether of our brains. Only one has really stuck: the name of our heavy metal band, Arterial Spray. (For those not verse in blood-squirtology, it’s in reference to what happens when a sword or throwing knife pierces an artery: blood spray out the ass.) The other week Jordan came up with the name of our debut album, “After the Robot Apocalypse.” Yeah. I just got chills too. A robot apocalypse would be fucking terrifying.

Imagine all those robots.

Our bowling team’s name is The Casual Fridays.

The other night I came up with an inspired band name: Bot Meets Girl. (Get it? Get it?) So I texted Jordan with this information, seeing it was vital, immediate and possibly life-altering news. He wrote me back with this: “That’s great. It can be the name of our IDM band.” That is very funny, to about four people.

Oh well.

Anybody else like naming stuff?

Drew.
P.S. – Tricky’s “Christiansands” is the greatest song of all time. It’s also in that movie “Face/Off” with John Travolta and Nic Cage. Fuck, Nic Cage is awesomely bad.

higgins

id like to personally thank Higgins for commenting and welcome him to the page. maybe you movie theater guys shoudl start a showcase cinema blog. i'd read it...

im gonna go make a hamburger..
and by hamburger i mean cheeseburger..

more posts coming later in the week...

-jordan, hooked on monkey-ball

this post doesnt need a title

first, id like to thank all you people out there for successfully ignoring every request i make. I ask you to give a little feedback on new editions.. nothing... i ask you to tell me what you're wearing.. no response... i indirectly encourage you to go to the google ads.. no compliance... i ask you people to respond and let me know if you are seeing the webpage the way it shoudl be seen so i can know what kind of html errors there are and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. there have been 75-100 new hits since then and no responses.. thats ok. thats ok... you're the ones missing out on the AWESOME badass picture of us in the profile...

-jordan

Hello??? . . . Anyone there?

Are you people nuts? I can't believe nobody has commented on Jordan's blog about the crazy guy - it has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read! Maybe there really are only four people reading this . . . . now I feel like the crazy one . . .
Kina

Additional Pieces to That Puzzle That Looks Like a Balding Homeless Schizophrenic Man (You Probably Bought it At the Mall)

Let’s deconstruct this whole crazy guy in the store thing, “Rashomon”-style. First off, I did alert Jordan to the crazy guy yesterday afternoon when I visited him after returning from the woodsy state of Vermont. I noticed this fellow who was balding, egg shaped, and oddly enough, screaming and pointing at nothing in particular.

This episode reminded me of when I was on my dinner break a few weeks ago, and of all the empty seats in Duchess, I had to pick the one right next to a crazy guy who was talking to himself, except this guy was smaller, more wiry and had crazy-man hair (not unlike mine). The only thing separating this man, who chose to repeat things like “the fucking bastards,” over and over again, was a thin metal “cage” that is used decoratively to class up Duchess. I felt bad for moving because I knew that he’d know that I was doing it because he was muttering to himself, so I stayed where I was, trying to read and eat and ignore the strange, meaningless cursing going on directly to my left.

So anyway, back to today…

I was feeling a little ill this morning, because of, um, digestive unpleasantness, and was late to work. Shortly before leaving my house I signed online to check my email, look at how my stocks are doing, and seeing what the weather looked like for the day. Or, if you want the truth, I was looking up movie news and checking out porn. Anyway, Jordan signs on and starts telling me that the crazy guy from yesterday is now in the store, and that he is scared, nervous, and a little turned on. Shortly, our online conversation looked like this:

BIGDONG69 [Jordan]: AHHHHHHH!!!!
HOTFUCK666 [Drew]: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
BIG DONG69 [Jordan]: AHHHHHHH!!!!
HOTFUCK666 [Drew]: AHHHHHHH!!!!

I raced down to the video store and saw this man, in roughly the location of “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie,” talking to himself. In some sort of weird kick of active authoritativeness, I wanted to go ask him if he needed anything. Then I thought that he could have any number of things on his person, beneath his wavy trench coat, including but not limited to: a large hunting knife or a live wolverine. I joined Jordan behind the counter at a sociological experiment distance, not really noticing anything until he walked by the counter, said something about Vietnam and walked out of our lives, possibly forever.

It should be noted that the first thing Jordan said to me when I walked in the video store was not “hide,” “duck,” or “be careful,” but rather: “Dude, check out the blog - I just wrote about him.” Consider it done.

Drew.

what the balls, Blogger.com?/ big floppy donkey dick

Ok it has come to my attention that for those of you who use Internet Explorer (maybe not all of you.. i dont know) our profile/links/adds sidebar shows up all the way at the fucking bottom of the page, instead of right at the top where the newest post is like it should be. I dont know why that is or how to fix it because the blogger.com help page wont let me send my help request though for some reason.

YES, I AM A SELL OUT.
one new addition is that i have google ads that are related to the content in the blog (supposedly). this is why the second part of my title is "big floppy donkey dick" to try and screw with them and see what new adds appear. For you to see this on Explorer i guess you'll have to scroll all the way down. i am not supposed to encourage you to click on these google ads, so i wont encourage you to click on these google ads. the google ads are located (if properly viewed) on the side and at the bottom of the page, and are easy to click. if you were interested, you could CLICK ON THE LINKS. but only if you are already interested, im just telling you the GOOGLE ADS are there if you want to CLICK ON THEM you can. its that simple.

i have a few new posts in the works, but i think a lot of you out there are lazy and only read the first 2 or 3 new posts you see instead of scrolling down. this is why im going to wait to post so new things because i dont wanna over shadow my schizophrenic story cause i love it so much.


PLEASE respond to this and let me know if you are seeing the Profile sidebar at the bottom or on the top. thank you

-jordan

The Ghost of Tom Waits... who is also schizophrenic and talking to Spongebob

holy jesus mary and the spook!
i turned around to look out the window and i see this large round gentleman standing in the pouring rain in front of one of our display posters. It was a poster of Spongebob Squarepants The Movie. I was like
"hmm, maybe he just wanted to see something on the poster"
but no, he stood there for at least 3 or 4 minutes, talking (maybe yelling) at the poster... pointing his finger at it several times, walking away from it and then walking back with his finger pointed and waving at it. I stood in the store and watched it for this whole time, completely dumbfounded and insterested. Then i remembered that the other day Drew told me he was some crazy guy talking to himself outside the store. This must be the same guy, I thought, laughing it off... until i noticed him COMING INTO THE STORE. AHH!!
he walks in and with rain water dripping off his hood onto the counter and a deep scratchy voice like Tom Waits, he says:
"excuse me sir, outside you have a picture of something called "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" and i absolutely must know who the pinheaded character to the side of him is"
Me:"um, im not exactly sure"
Crazy Guy: "sir, it is absolutely necessary that i get this information. afndnfs;ngsjnjn" he starts mumbling crazy shit...
I go over to the poster and look at it... It was Spongebob's best friend, but i coudlnt place the name so i went over to the DVD rental box to check out the description on the back to see if it says his name.
The crazy guy follows me and says:

"i live in this country im a republican in this country i should be able to find out who is in the poster, the country depends on it"

Then he takes the box from me and reads it aloud to himsef. he gets to the list of characters and goes
"list of celebrity voices include.... David Hasslehoff, Oh Now we're cookin!!"

hahahhaa
hell yes. this guy obviously has good taste. but then he just keeps reading into nowhere, while his jacket and hood is dripping water all over the dvd boxes.
He gets closer and closer to me and i'm getting more freaked out by the second. I start inching myself away from him because who knows what he is capable of.. maybe he has a knife or soemthing...
Then he grabs another random box off the wall and keeps repeating the words "Where did this come from? where did this come from" over and over to himself...

uuuhh... what the balls, this guy is obviously schizophrenic or something.

Then he just wanders around the store in his own words mumbling insane things and standing at the wall staring and talking to the wall.

On the stereo at the time i was playing the Jazz/funk stylings of Galactic. Now, since this guy sounds like Tom Waits, he starts sounding like Tom Waits out of his mind on drugs and skating and talking along with the music! i dont know if any of you know Tom Waits' music but a lot of it is talking or singing slowly and mumbling things over jazzy, loungy, bluesy music. It started to actually sound good and i began grooving to this crazy schizophrenic version of Tom Waits.


as i write this he is still doing it and i have no idea what to do about him.. eventaully he is going to scare customers away, but there are no customers right now.
I wish i could make out more of what he is saying..

i just turned off the music in order to hear him more clearly, and he stands there and goes "Please dont do that"

maybe he was really singing along to it! maybe he is some unknown jazz skat genius!


more updates as they happen

-Jordan

i- i - i cant stand the rain...

can i just say one thing?

FUCK rain.

i hate it.

i am sorta weird in that i wear shoes that are like 8 years old because i dont like how any other shoe looks, but the soles in the shoe have split across the middle and therefor let in water from the ground into my fucking sock when it rains. it sucks, but no pain no gain, right? good fashion takes sacrifice and pain. or so ive been told.


and fuck this woman who just came in and completely ignored me as i said "hi how are you" and then she stood there, turned and walked out...


people are so weird.

and rain fucking sucks the nuts of some dude with elephantitis.

-jordan


oh P.S. did any one notice the picture i put on our profile of Me, Jeff and Drew? if not just turn your head slightly to the right and you should see it there in the corner.

SOME THINGS THAT BOTHER ME

hey guys whats up, Jeff here. I wanted to post the other day but couldnt (well actually i forgot). So anyways i am gonna tell you two things that piss of ME and EVERYONE here at the video store.....

#1. When I am doing something people just come up to the counter and just stare at you. Well, maybe if we all go back to 1st grade and remember Mr. Manners and his friend Mrs. Politeness people would remember the key phrase "EXCUSE ME." Now, I find it really funny that when people approach me i just continue to do what im doing until they say something. Most of the time this is like picking a fight because eventually they wont say excuse me but rather something rude like "helloooo anybody working?"
So to conclude....just be polite for a change bc we prob will wait until you get really frustrated before we answer you!

#2. KIDS MOVIES...we, the staff, DO NOT WATCH THEM!!! Please have some common sense and not come up to the counter and ask 3 22 year old guys if they have seen "Thomas that tank and friends," or "Kipper: Cuddly Critters." Also, I can speak for the staff that when you ask us a good recomendation for a 5 yr old kid...we probably wont come up with anything good besides the urban comedy "I accidentally domed your son."

also the shoutout of the day goes to "TM" (my favorite customer) for getting us that awesome easter basket.


~Jeff

Shhhhh . . .

I made the mistake, the other day, of showing my mother the post I wrote about Drew and his weird habits. I thought to myself, "Hey, she gave birth to the kid - she knows how bizarre his behavior is, and maybe it would make her feel better about the unexpected outcome of her first child if she could laugh at him." But boy was I surprised when she didn't react that way at all. She seemed to actually be somewhat offended. When I asked, "What's wrong? Aren't I funny/pretty enough?" She said "No, of course you're not pretty." and then she told me that she still wasn't sure about this whole blogging thing (partly because she still doesn't understand it). She seems to be worried that Paul may be offended by it (and what? fire his entire staff?) or that my boss wouldn't like to know that I occasionally complain about some of my customers as well. Whenever she expresses these concerns, I always say "Mom, there are about three people that read this blog - thats me, Drew, Jordan, and sometimes Jordan reads it out loud to Jeff." Paul checks the freakin blog all the time, and as long as Emily (my coworker) stops telling everyone where we work, my boss shouldn't really have a problem.

What I'm a bit worried about now is, obviously, the kick-ass mideivel counter. Because if my mother, in between her spam-reporting and solitaire-playing online activities, happens upon the Showcase of Depravity and then sees that almost 800 people have visited our site (even if that number is not at all accurate) - my story that only the 3 of us read it is going to be blown all to hell. So in any case, if a cute little southern lady asks you if you've ever heard of the Media Wave blog - shake your heads and say "Showcase of Depravity? Sounds like a gay-porn site to me." And you'll still be able to live with yourself because hey - that's pretty much true.


Kina

doogie houser

Today I was working with Jessica who, being a girl (a blonde girl) never wants to listen to music or watch anything cool (like The Simpsons, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie, Teen Wolf, The Incredible Hulk TV Series or anything like that).. no, of course she always wants to watch stupid, sappy, boring romantic comedies. The kind of movies that middle-age men come into the store to rent because their wife is sick. or so they say... Needless to say i rarely ever want to watch these movies...
But today, Jessica said the coolest thing to ever come out of her mouth :

"Wanna watch Doogie Houser?"
after noticing that the first season of Doogie Houser, M.D. had just come out on DVD.

"YYESS..." i replied, having watched the first disc the day before and obviously i was anxious to continue the Doogie Houser saga.

unfortunately this cool suggestion was later ruined when, half way into the first episode she said "ugh, this is really starting to get to me. can we take it off and watch Miss Congeniality?"

i think this is where my irritability started, which remained with me all day long.



On a happier note, Think about how FUCKING AWESOME it would be to have the Doogie Houser theme song as a cell phone ringer. It is the perfect song! the beauty of it is that it doesnt need to be translated from real music into cell phone tone muzak, its already in its simplest keyboard/cell phoney form. It's perfect the way it is. And when your phone rang everyone would think you're really cool, because you are.
I'm serious about this... if any one knows if that ringer is available, I want it.

-Jordan

and the boredom sinks in

i try not to attempt to post simply out of boredom because it doesnt make for interesting reading, and ive always hated "live journals" for thinking anyone else in the world cares what some douche bag has to write about her day at school. (yes, i used douche bag refering to a girl.. probably for the first time) but this is different.
The following is the product of a few random thoughts i had over the course of my day at work:

some bitch just walked into the door that says EMPLOYEES ONLY on it... what the fuck? why do people think just because we let them use our bathroom once it gives them the privledge of entering our storage room/supply room/bathroom for employees whenever they want? Of course we will let you use it, but you have to ASK FIRST. its only polite. god damn.
i should've locked the door from the outside and then when i opened it 15 minutes later tell her 'oh im sorry, i had no idea someone was in the utility room.
***

and what is with everyone calling movies by their completely wrong name, or shortening the title... when the movie FRAILTY came out, we got a variety of different 'pronounciations' of it, my favorite being FRATILITY. Everybody and their mother called Lord of the Rings: Two Towers "twin towers" and it came out right after the september 11th attack on the twin towers...
some woman just came up and said "hey, you got Netherlands?"
being used to idiots spouting nonsense at me i quickly figured out she meant FINDING NEVERLAND, a title that has nothing whatsoever to do with the Netherlands.

***
Wow, the movie The Incredible Hulk: Trial of The Incredible Hulk really does have EVERYTHING! it fucking rules. So does Flash Gordon.



i had more to include in this post but then it got busy at work and i forgot everything i was going to write... oh well

-jordan

Back to Basics

So, I look down at the bottom of the page and I see that our blog is, like, totally fucking popular. (I was away this weekend, roughing it in the wilderness of Vermont, so I was totally unaware of our surging thrust of hardcore viewer-ship.) This has me very excited, because people are actually looking at our blog, several times a day maybe, back and forth, back and forth, with almost orgasmic delight. (Okay, I’m done.) But at the same time, it troubles me deeply. Chris C. was the first one to point out that our blog had lost it’s indie edge, which of course is why we started the blog and why we commit so much time to it. If we don’t have our indie edge, what do we have? ANSWER: NOTHING.

Now is the time that we should be focusing on making the best fucking possible blog. That means stories that aren’t merely amusing or anecdotal but downright gut-busting. That also means: if you make pointless and shitty comments, there are some Republican blogs out there wanting to protect fetuses and kill gays (in that order), so let them have an earful and stay off our boards. It means more posts by Kina (who has some perspective as well as the ability to put a cohesive sentence together) and Jordan (who is beautifully profane). Blood-dripping heavy metal counters are all well and good, but we’ve got to give them a reason to come back, again and again, until climaxing in laughter. (So I wasn’t done.)

Let’s get back our edge. I think it’s great that Jeff loves the blog we created and I appreciate his posts, but exposing it to every-single-fucking-person-in-the-world is obnoxious. Please, for the love of god, let’s remember we got into this for the music. And to make fun of Paul.

Welcoming all new fans and kicking out all the useless ones,

Drew.

Who do you think you are, crackah?

So on my way to Shaw's this dude sppppeeeeeeeeeds by me in his souped up 96 jetta or something like that... you know the kind of macked out car fairfield and bridgeport "thugs" get: big spoiler, expensive rims on a car worth less than the rims, and the trunk which is filled to capacity with huge speakers with enough bass to break the windows of other cars around it, tinted black or purple windows, and some word or brand on the top of the windshield. Sometimes they also come with neon blue lights underneath the car, but we can all see the practicle reason for those.

This guy didnt have enough money for most of that stuff, but what he did have money for was to paint the symbol of DMX's RUFF RYDER's rap/gang on the side of his car.

Who does this crackah think he is? truth is he is probably mexican or puerto rican, although i did not see a puerto rican flag hanging from his rearview mirror nor did i see it airbrushed onto his hood. He could have been black, but i doubt it. Either way, in what way does some 19 year old punk kid in Fairfield Connecticut who still has his parents buy his FUBU clothes at JC Pennies doing with a RUFF RYDERS symbol on the side of his car? what exactly is this supposed to prove? that you are a HUGE posuer with something to prove and no idea what taste and class is? yes, thats about it. Why is it that young people need to directly indentify with rappers and celebrities. If Lil Jon tells you to do something, they will do it. They will do it, say it, buy it and completely absorb it and think its the coolest thing around. But this isnt even Lil Jon, its DMX who was soooo 6 years ago!
so this guy is riding around with a bad ass symbol on his car that is totally out of date. if i was in his 'gang' i would totally kick his bitch ass.

-jordan, a real O.G.

You're lucky i didnt break your car door off and smack that attitude off your face, BIOTCH

So im going to Shaw's for some.. uh.. condoms, yea, condoms thats it.. and on my way in from the parking lot i am walking through the parked cars and suddenly i look down and am almost clothes-lined by some bitch who swung her car door open right the fuck in front of me!
what the fuck? Not only could it have really hurt or i could have damaged her door, but i was walking there and she didnt care at all!... maybe she didnt notice, and lets give her the benefit of the doubt here.. even still, the worst part of this is that she STARED ME DOWN after it happened like it was My fault! No apologetic looks, she didnt put her hands up as if to say "oops! sorry!" or even pull her collar from her neck comically as if she's feelin the heat for doing something stupid followed by a 'eerrr' or something... NOTHING like that. Instead I get some 60 year old bitch staring at me with her droopy eyes like i had just beaten up her pansy grandson. which, by the way, i intend on doing now.
GRRRR

so i stared right the nuts back at her, which is the same patented stare i give to drivers who think they are all righteous and can give me the evil eye for cautiously inching out of a driveway into an intersection - oh im sorry, i am in complete control of my car and im just trying to get safely into the lane as soon as its free. No need to look at me like i have a trunk full of dead kittens, you YUPPIE FUCK!.
as i kept walking towards the store i kept looking back and staring at her, and the balls on this woman - she kept staring at me too! who does she think she is? arent the elderly supposed to be afraid of large young men who could potentially beat her up and rob her. She's lucky i wasnt waiting for her outside next to her car when she was done shopping! boohyah!

anyway, i noticed she was walking behind me in the store so i ducked into the first aisle so i could stalk her from behind.
I got a good look at her... just as i suspected, she looked like a STONE COLD BIOTCH. Like a substitute teacher that you knew absolutely hated kids, but was a subsitute teacher because she hates kids.
I thought about tripping her while she was walking or something, to show her what she had almost done to me with her inconsiderate car behavior... but then i gave up on that and continued with my grocery shopping.


next time i see her though, i swear... Booyahkasah!

-jordan

Qt3.14ferEva

by the way, if you thought Lyssa's blog was the most middleschool girl you could get... check out her screen name:
Qt4evaLvr4Life82

that slays me, it really does.

i was discussing this with michelle and she came up with some other possible good screen names for her:
rockstargrrl 35
cutiepie 27

but Lyssa's is like a combination of both into the ultimate preteen girl aol screen name.
i bet her other 2 best friends actually do have those exact names that michelle came up with.


am i obsessed with this topic, by the way? i dont think so, but i keep coming up with more posts for it. maybe i shoudl start an entirely new blog just to comment on alyssas blog, what do ya'll think?

-jordan

she's a cold hearted snake, look into her eeyyyess

check out one of the comments alyssa's friend made on her first post:


~*Felicia-Marie*~ said...

hey its felicia...yeah thanks for punching a hole in my wall bud...now im screwed. u had no right to do that...to bad mike really did just use u. im sorry...lol

Wow, i guess i was right and Mike really was just using her for S-E-X. sucks for her, but its nice to know that i was right. Now, the bit about punching a hole in her wall... does that mean that alyssa punch a whole in felicias wall? what kind of a middle school girl does that? i know sometimes my boss does that when he is absolutely furious, but he is a 30-something greek man who has the burden of an independent business on his back... maybe alyssa was high on angel dust!

its so funny the way felicia writes this too. she is probably one of the friends that hates alyssa now, and we have a glimpse into why. but she writes it in such a half kidding/half insulting way. she calls her bud but then says she had no right to punch a hole in the wall, and then says mike really was using her... LOL!

first of all i hate anyone who uses LOL. it is so middle school... which is why its ok to do if you are in middle school. but she says it right after she seriously insults alyssa about sleeping with mike. that is COLD! girls are cold hearted bitches. She's a cold hearted snnaaakke, look in to her eyeeees. Uh-oh! she's been tellin liiess! thank you paula.

oh you middle school girls, cant you ever get along?

bitches, right?

-jordan

cheerleaders: major sluts or just sorta sluts?

Michelle just pointed out that i forgot to include that Alyssa is a cheerleader...
what does this mean? hmm
Michelle says: you never mentioned she is a cheerleader. well of course she is a slut

perhaps. Interesting story related to this small bit of info, a young mother that we employees like to chat with came in the other day and was telling us about her daughter who is 9. She said her daughter wants to be a cheerleader and she is worried that it will turn her into a "skank". I then told this mother about how i read Alyssa's blog and she is in middle school and planning on gettin fucked by some dude who is using her and the mother gasped. Unfortunately she kind of took comfort in the fact that being a cheerleader might balance out her field hockey so she wont become a lesbian.. god forbid.

anyway, is it true what they say about cheerleaders? i never got with any cheerleaders in high school, but i wasnt a jock and i dont like cheerleaders. im sure they dont like me. But this is just another good example that some stereotypes are true.

-jordan

in case anyone wants to read it on their own/ because i never remember the link.. here is alyssa's website: http://alyssamarcellino.blogspot.com/

alyssa's blog is back in bizna$$

maybe we jumped the gun, i dont think so, but whatever the case may be the point is now Alyssa's blog is back and running.
I still back all my earlier theories, but now it just got turned back on. For a while there i thought that Kina's motherly comment on Alyssa's blog made her turn to a mental hospital or a convent..
Kina's Comment went something like this:
Alyssa, you are a whore but you dont get paid for it. I am shocked and appalled by your blog, and your mother should lock you in a convent before you get pregnant and are cursed to hell forever. If i was your mother id lock you in a chastity belt and beat the hell out of you, you dirty dirty slut. but keep up the interesting blogs!

anyway, everyone stop worrying... Alyssa's blog STILL brings all the boys to the yard.

-jordan

a new sitcom in the works

My brother Brendan has found himself in a strange predicament recently: He had a great top level of a nice house in Astoria, Queens being rented to him by an old immigrant couple with 2 other roommates. He was living happily under a verbal agreement that it would be theres for at least a yaer, when all of the sudden the nice old couple turned into selfish bitches and decided all of the sudden with very little notice that they didnt want to rent it out anymore and the guys had to move out.

Luckily for Brendan, my grandpa lives in queens. Sadly, my grandma passed away a year ago (or more..i dont actually remember exactly) so my grandpa lives alone in this nice apartment. So, Brendan is going to move in with him until he gets another place.

Here's where the comedy comes in: we have almost nothing to say to my grandpa. There is a HUGE gernation gap between us, and its hard enough to even spend an hour with him. He is a lovely, adorable, terribley kind guy but there are absolutely zero shared interests between any of us and very little to say. Once we've updated him on the rarely changing events in our lives (i have particularly little to say since my life has been almost exactly the same for the last 4 years) the conversation runs completely dry. When all else fails we ask him to tell us some jokes, which are inevitabley jokes he has told before. He is a good joke teller, but its hard to fake laughter when the jokes are good but not laugh-out-loud good. But what happens when he runs out of jokes?
We rely on my mom to keep the conversation going, and that usually means just her and my grandpa tlaking quietly and slowly to eachother...
now imagine living with him.

The premise of this show is that it is a bachelor pad: 2 wild, single guys living together with no rules... and nothing to talk about!

For instance, my brother JUST called me because he is meeting my grandpa at his apt and my mom is driving in to meet them. So my brother made his way over to meet my grandpa and my mom at the set meeting time - uh oh, sudden problem: my mom called him adn said she'd be at least 30 minutes late! so what does he do? he waits OUTSIDE and calls me so that he doesnt have to go in and talk to my grandpa. He says that once he gets there after 5 minutes they will run out of things to say and he wants to save those 5 precious minutes of conversation for the lunch. He is desperately trying to hold on to a few minutes of conversation, trying to manage his time so that he wont waste those minutes. so we talked for 25 minutes until i got tired of him and now he is probably going to walk around some more until my mom calls him, because god forbid he go in to keep my grandpa company.

soo awkward, so hilarious.
Brendan mentioned this could be a good sitcom... and maybe it could. Maybe not, though. the neverending battle between the old and the young, focused into one small apartment in queens.

whatever

-jordan

The Margaret/Peggy thing... what the fuck?

At least 4 regular customers come in and when i ask them for their first name to bring up the proper account they say the first name is Peggy...
and then i look up and down all the Smith accounts to find Peggy and there is none to be found.
Turns out the name is Margaret. How would I know that?

At first I thought it was just a coincidence and maybe Margaret is someone else, or maybe its a rarely used and unrelated nick name or something, but no. Peggy is a common shortening of Margaret.

How is P-E-G-G-Y a shortened version of M-A-R-G-A-R-E-T

they hardly even share any letters at all, let alone the most important letter: the first one.

Now, I can totally understand Margaret getting shortened to Maggy, like we find in The Simpsons. But what is with all these women taking the name Peggy instead of Margaret, and then even worse - expecting people to know they are the same.

women are crazy, i've always said that. Is it just me? Maybe I just don't get how Peggy derives from Margaret, I guess i'll never know. Another mystery about women that i'll never understand, like their vaginas.

I think in conclusion Ice Cube and Tupac got it right - instead of worrying about women and their stupid names, we should all just call them "Bitch". A controversial viewpoint, I know... but it seems to be the only logical one. Besides, don't get mad at me... the rappers started it. blame them.

-jordan

Black Car, Black Car, Black Car, HUH!!?!?!?!

I believe it was on Sesame Street, that little audio-visual game of “One of these things is not like the other one, one of these things just doesn’t belong.” Where it would be, like, four ducks lined up in a row and one Nazi storm trooper and you’d have to keenly use your powers of deduction to pick out the wrong item. Well, I felt like singing that song the other day when I was driving to work and there was this funeral at the nearby church. The church is pretty big and parked along the street was the hearse and several serious-looking cars with the dreaded ‘FUNERAL’ sticker on the windshield. And then, a meter or so down the road, is this bright yellow hatchback with the words “NERDS ON THE GO” painted on the side, with outlandish graphics accompanying. Turns out it was some computer repair service or something. It was just the most out of place and offensive mash-up since Jay-Z teamed with Linkin Park (zing!), and outside a funeral, no less. Anyway, I thought that was kind of funny. If you can’t tell, it’s late and I have the post-midnight crazies (ask the Gremlins).

Also, we watched the trailer for “Bewitched” and Jordan and I agreed: “It’s meta up the ass.” Decipher that one.

Sleepy Drew.

Bull honkey

So there is this funny old guy named Joe who makes his livelihood on buying and selling used tapes and dvds at flea markets - its very cute, cause he is very cute. short, chubby, big cheeks, very nice guy... ususally doesnt hear the words you say and doesnt understand what you mean by anything.

anyway long story short joe walks into the store today and says "here, this one is for Jordan"...
What was it, you wonder? you'd probably assume a vhs or dvd...
infact, he placed on the counter a black marble statuette of a big bull.

what the shit?

Why is this bull for me? what about me makes Joseph wanna give me a big marble bull?
Not just a bull though, the bulls horns are broken off at the ends. An ironic joke, Kevin thought.(Kevin is my co-worker) But Joseph isn't clever or able-minded (in his old age) to make an ironic joke out of a broken marble bull.
It is also missing its back leg, but has a bull-dong.
yea, thats right - the bull is legless and hornless, but definately has a dong.

maybe thats what joseph is trying to say about me - while sometimes life gets me down, and i can get held back by troubles (like losing my horns and my leg), after all in the end i do have a dong and that makes everything ok.

good point, Joe. I agree.

-Jordan the Bull

SERIOUS TROUBLE!!- IDK what happened to Lyssa's Blog! It disapeared!!

HOLY BALLS! Lyssa's Blog (aka Alyssa's Blog) has vanished into thin nutting air!

Drew alerted me to this mystery earlier this evening and i was horrified to find out that it was indeed true (unlike most mysteries Drew alerts me to).

We can only hope this is a temporary situation...
speculation is that maybe Alyssa's mom pulled the plug when she hacked Alyssa's computer uncovering her secret and intimate plans to shag her beloved boyfriend raw.
Others think that maybe in a jealous rage Mike, having heard about Lyssa's new love for Pat, threw her computer out the window (after signing off of the blog site forever, of course), and then had hardcore revenge sex with her.

Still others theorize that blogging aliens came to earth for find the most perfect specimen of a pre-teen earth girl and after reading Alyssa's blog they fuckin abducted her ass, and then had hardcore revenge sex with her.

Then again, maybe she found out that a bunch of pathetic video store employees were using her blog for fuel for their dying comic fire on their own blog and took it down in disgust, saying to herself :" eeeww, that will show those gross old pervs! IDK what they think they are doing, but i soooo should have my love Mike kick their @$$!", and then had hardcore revenge sex with Mike and Pat at her friends sleepover party.

This is awful though... i'll have to find smething else to write about.

I'll keep you all posted with updates as i get them.

-Jordan

Drew's quote of the week

we were talking about Wiggles and thinking about why he hasn't come in the store for a while and after canceling out the idea that it was due to Drew blatantly discriminating against his black aid, we found ourselves on the idea that he might be dead... a logical thought, i think.

then drew goes

"do you think retarded people speak normally in heaven?"


hmm.... i guess we'll never know, cause a lot of people think Drew and I are going to hell just for talking about Wiggles like this.

-jordan

After All That We've Been Through

So here I am, it’s almost one a.m. and I’m responding to Kina’s stupid-ass “Stolen Honor”-style expose on yours truly, Drew Taylor (one that is riddled with inaccuracies and outright lies). Also, I am listening to Chicago’s greatest hits collection. Fuck yeah. Anyway…

1.) SINGING AND DANCING
See, it’s all about what Kina chooses to disclose and what she doesn’t. Earlier this year I decided that, in an effort to stay physically fit (and, in effect, sexually attractive), I would dance. Hard-style dance. For an hour or more a day. That way, I could work out and burn calories while shaking my moneymaker and listening to the Scissor Sisters. But, being a obsessive compulsive (or some kind of neurotic therein), it began to take over my daily life, hence the dancing, making mix tapes, and inviting friends and family up to my room to get down with their bad and respective selves.

2.) STANDING WATER
Yes, I do hate standing water. I think it has something to do with this fountain that was in the back of our house back in San Antonio, Texas (yes, my sordid past revealed) and how my father would tell me that, in the standing weather and hot, hot summer heat, mosquito larvae would breed. No fan of mosquitoes or their larvae, I became grossed out and then out-and-out spooked. Now I hate it because I just feel like its unclean, and who likes to be walking around in wet socks? Not me, that’s for damn sure. I also hate/am fearful of: movies about food, artificial grape flavoring, sitcoms, college professors, tee shirts with slogans, deceptive advertising, and Native Americans.

3.) MY HAIR
Touché.

4.) PUNCHED
Yes, I got punched. And yes, it was in the back of the head. But I found it to be entirely unfounded because a.) they continued talking and being obnoxious and cycling through their cell phone rings (ever wondered what happened to that annoying song “Because I Got High” – well, it’s on a punch-prone black gentleman’s cell phone) and b.) I didn’t say anything to them. I can understand if I got all up in one of their faces and was like “Yo, shut the fuck up – BITCH.” Then I would deserve a smacking, maybe even a genital mutilation, but I didn’t. I handled it the peaceful, calm way. And (in the tradition of Jeff’s idiocy), I’ll give props to Steve, the mildly-retarded and egg-plant shaped usher who failed to control the situation whatsoever, leading to my assault, and many years of in-depth psychotherapy.

Alright, that’s it for now. For more hilarity, go to KevinCostner.com and check out the videos section. Oh, man, what an ass.

Drew.

New Developments on Alyssa's Blog!! Yes!

Finally after many days of anxious waiting, we have new posts from Alyssa. In case you didnt know (or dk), Alyssa is a middleschool female blogger who's blog i decided to read, study, analyze and comment on for the enjoyment of all. It is at once a sociological examination, a character study, an teenage (or preteenage) expose and a bit of poking fun at how stupid middleschool kids are.
First, and maybe most importantly, she changed the name of her blog. Instead of Alyssa's Blog it is now... (drum roll please):
*Lyssa's Blog

yes! that is awesome. I couldnt make this stuff up any better. What is with girls (most of them, anyway) that age (and older) and their need to shorten names? But the fact that she put thought into it - she changed it. Is she now asking her friends to call her Lyssa, or do they call her that anyway which necessitated the name change?

for this edition i decided to put the blogs in order instead of leaving them the way you'd normally see them... just to avoid confussion.
If you all remember, when last we checked in on Lyssa she was talking about a sleepover at her best friends house where this guy she likes (who she sometimes calls her boyfriend) might come over and they might do *IT*! Drew and I have been waiting for 4 days or more to find out what happened and in the mean time we got this post:

~*March 17, 2005*~

Tommarrow is the big day and i am so excited. I cannot wait OMG i thkn this will be really fun i am going out to get everything tonight and then i am going to go to Jenn's house and prepare then its Felicia's house we go. I cannot wait to get with my boyfriend he is so awesome. I know that something really BIG is going to happen i just know it. Everytime i think about it i know that something really big like huge like my first time having sex..... OMG i am so pumped..... I love you so much Mike..... :-) Wow i really do like him i hope that everything goes right.

isnt it cute how she used "OMG" twice? if you dont know that means OH MY GOD! She can't wait to "get with" her boyfriend. something really BIG is going to happen. She is writing in this online journal, but she doesnt seem to think anyone will read it... but she is still writing it cryptically. What is most interesting to me is that first she writes that she loves Mike so much, and then says "i really do like him" which to me kind of negates the whole "Love" thing.

now onto the follow up... we finally get the juicy news... or do we?

~*March 23, 2005*~

This weekend has gone really bad.....everything that could possible make things worse has happened.... the only people that really matter anything to me hates my guts right now and i don't know what to do.. There is this guy i like bt im not sure that hne would ever really date me....I am not really mad at anyone i just wish i could go back in time and fix everything i did.. If Felicia or Caitlin ever read this then i am really sry and i can understand if u never want to hang out with me nemore.... And im sry for makeing u think things that u shouldn't have.... I just don't want to hurt u guys nemore.... I love you guys to death..... And i am still in love with someone that i never thought that i would ever like again.... PAT..... I know it might seem weird but i am in love with the kid.... I am hpoing everything goes out well... i really hope it does... peace out

posted by Alyssa @ 9:44 AM 0 comments

Did we really expect anything else to happen? How does anything BIG in a middleschool girls life end of but with all of her friends who she "loves sooo much" hating her? its classic. and what better to characterize girls than fickle emotions? now we have some douche named PAT who she probably dated for 1 week in 5th grade and now she is "In Love" with him again, in the midst of almost having sex with this other guy MIKE she is "In Love" with who probably doesnt even like her.
I am not sure exactly what happened, all i know is she doesnt want to hurt anyone anymore. And good for her! Her friends probably just dont understand love like she does, but for whatever reason (probably cause they set her up with Mike or somehting and now Mike is pissed that he didnt get to wax that ass) she is in a fight with everyone.
It's hard to comprehend the amounts of drama that goes on in the middleschool girl world. if you thought the world revolved around you, now you are wrong and you know that it actually revolves around each individual girl in middle school.

~*Secret Love*~

I know this might seem wierd but i have been watching someone that i have liked for a long time..... His name is Pat and i really like him alot......I wish he would notice me and idk... all i do know is that i love him... at least i think i do... i just don't know how he feels.....UHHHHH if u guys know how to help me leave a comment for me....... Peace out!!!!!!

Drew is F'ing Insane

When I first invited myself onto the blog, I promised our readers that I would give them a peak into the twisted lives of the Media Wave employees outside of work. So far, I feel as though I've lived up to the challenge, but all week, people everywhere have been yelling obscenities, throwing bottles, and occasionally punching me in the back of the head. Why, you ask? Because I promised our blog readers a post about how weird Drew is and had chosen instead, to pursue other ventures of the money-making, future-enhancing, and pleasure-deriving kind. But now, I'll put all of that aside and focus on what we've known all along; Drew is a freak.

Here's 4 major examples for today:
1. SINGING AND DANCING: Sure, I'll admit it, I love to cut an occasional rug and I sing to the radio every once in a while. I think everyone does. But Drew, he takes it to the next level. Atleast once a week last summer, I would be awoken from my slumber to the dancing of my brother in my room. He is a dancing fool. He dances all the time, if you can call it that. His dance moves are very spastic and retro - just imagine every move involving a hip swivel and a hunched back - and that's Drew. He also is constantly singing in a very very high pitch. He is really good at ruining songs written by other people, and when he's done with that - he moves on to writing his own songs. Songs by Drew Taylor include the hits, "God's Littlest Angel", "I Dare You to Move", and "What About the Puppy?" In fact, while I was writing this blog, he came in to the room and sang this song to Tessa the dog, "The littlest angel has a red face./ The littlest angel is out of control. The littlest angel ate too much pasta./ The littlest angel will save your soul."
2. STANDING WATER: I only found out about this a few days ago, but apparently Drew hates water that has been still for an extended amount of time. This includes swamps, lakes, and puddles. Drew always bitches and moans about the floor in the bathroom being wet. And I don't just mean every once in a while. He freaks out about it. He leaves messages on the mirror and verbally assaults people about it and it never made sense before, but now it does - he doesn't like stepping on the water with barefeet. If you know him, you already know he walks like a freak without shoes on, and this, I'm sure is a result of worrying about where the next puddle is going to be. It must be a scary existence.
3. HIS HAIR: I mean . . . it's crazy all the time!
4. PUNCHED: He got punched in the back of the head by a stranger. How many people can say that? And the sad part is that when I told my mom, her reply was that she was surprised he hadn't been beat up earlier.

For more information about how weird Drew is, wait until I blog again, or visit Media Wave and talk to him for five seconds. And just remember, in our family, the saying is very true; First in the worst (Drew), second is the best (Me), and third is the one with the hairy chest(Alexa). Don't tell her I said that!

Kina

Why are my blogs so stupid??

REFER TO BLOG TITLE...

THE RETURN OF THE MACK (JEFF) AND CAPS-LOCKED POST TITLES

yooo daooo----oggsssss....whats up? whew, been about a month since i last posted. Well if some of you dont know way back when i had the flu for about 2 weeks and then totaled my car on a bad accident on 95. However, Dr. Germ is back and in full effect...yea thats right...full effect. While trying to come up with something great to blog....i came up with the ultimate idea....not only random shoutout of the days...but now Doc germ aka the quicka nicka picka icka licka....has created *SHOUTOUT OF THE MONTH* .....notice its in caps. (yo d!!)

Without further ado...i present to you the ultiamte shoutout of the month (3-way tie):

Mikes Pizza late night crew / Darwin / hot chicks

_ JEFF

All night, Christine Kidd and I complained about how bored we were, how little hope in humanity we have, and how much certain people suck . . . all the while, unbeknownst to me . . . the funniest thing in the entire world occurred just across town. Apparently, at the end of watching "the Ring 2" (a movie I was invited to, but declined, since I'm a bit of a puss) Drew, Media Wave employee, older brother, and blogger extraordinare was punched in the back of the head by an angry African American man. Since Drew is also a puss, he had previously asked the usher to tell the angry man and his friends to quiet down during the movie, and I guess this infuriated the man and pushed him to the point of hitting Drew hard enough to make his hat fly a few rows in front of him. When Drew reported this to me when we met back at the house a few minutes ago, I almost died of laughter. Not only was the mental image I had hilarious, the fact that one of my favorite sayings involves the same action - (i.e. Wow, I'd really like to punch both of them in the back of the head.) almost killed me.

Look for a blog tomorrow about how weird my brother is.
Kina

Mario C Likes to Keep it Clean

Alright, I just have to quickly document something that pisses J. Tron 9000 and myself off more than almost anything in this store: people coming in here and complaining about our music. We already lost one customer because he said I acted snidely towards him after he badmouthed Yann Tiersen, the French genius behind the soundtrack to "Amelie." (In actuality, I just acted hastily, wanting him and his awful taste to get out of the store as quickly as possible. He took it to a much more severe place, wrote a letter to Paul, and never came back. Oh well.)

Anyway, so this woman comes in and goes: "How do you listen to this music? It's driving me crazy." Now, sometimes I'll actually side with the customer. If I was playing Aphex Twin or the second DFA compilation I can understand how people would get annoyed or perplexed (because they have). But the album I was listening to was the Beastie Boys' "Hello Nasty," a delicious and entirely accessible dance/rap/pop record.

"Well," I said, "be glad that I don't go into your home and insult your music."

And what's more - "Hello Nasty" was a wild critical and commercial success. I looked up the Rolling Stone review and it gave it FOUR STARS, calling it a "ludicrously fabulous, oftmanic, sometimes mellow twenty-two-song long player." Fuck off, woman.

This is the first Friday when I haven't had to jockey with Kevin for control of the CD player (he mostly likes to listen to really bad AM radio soft jazz and shitty, fluffy rock), and this ho comes in here and starts badmouthing my close, personal friends The Boys. (We met them last fall. Honest.)

I mean, give us a break: we have to stand behind a counter all day and get yelled at and bossed around by our angry Greek boss and most of the general public (some of whom are both angry and Greek). Let us listen to what we want to listen to, shut the fuck up, and let us assist you in a kind and pleasant fashion.

Best/Shortest Daft Punk Review on the Net

This is from the Guardian, a UK side/newspaper, in regards to the new Daft Punk album, "Human After All." I was going to post about this album earlier, as I got a leaked copy from a Media Wave operative out west, but I was too ashamed, shocked, scared, and disappointed. It hurts, man. Bad. Anyway, my review wouldn't have been as hilarious, pointed, or smug as this one (as only the British could do it):

Daft Punk, Human After All (Virgin)
Dorian Lynskey
Friday March 11, 2005
The Guardian
Buy Human After All now
LCD Soundsystem's recent single "Daft Punk Is Playing at My House" was witty confirmation of Thomas Bangalter and Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo's unique hipster cachet. But LCD Soundsystem may wish they'd chosen another talisman of cool once they hear Human After All.

Apparently knocked off in just six weeks, Daft Punk's third album sounds like it took six days. Six short days. With long lunches. When these tracks were leaked onto the internet in January, some fans assumed they were bogus, and they do indeed sound like the work of lacklustre imposters. Previous album Discovery had its flaws but at least its ultra-brite MOR homages showed vision. Human After All simply recycles a handful of familiar production tics - vocoders, processed rock guitars, snub-nosed beats - to the point of inanity.

Apart from the title track's euphoric burble-and-grind and "The Brainwasher's" acid-house villainy, Human After All is a joyless collection of average ideas stretched desperately thin. If Daft Punk played this at your house, you'd chuck them out.

Circle of Laugh

Let me break it down (in the UNKLE style): Jordan writes numerous new blog posts, many of them hilarious and some of them socially insightful (as his analysis of Alyssa's blog showcased), then he doesn't tell me. So I go to work on Friday morning and decide to twat around online, checking out the blog to see what I've missed. TURNS OUT I'VE MISSED A LOT. So I spend thirty minutes, off and on, reading Jordan's blog and crumbling up into a ball of pain and laughter, my side aching from processing the bizarreness and hilarity of Jordan's cracked mind. So then I'll post, inspired by his posting, and then he'll read it and then he'll crack up, blah blah blah... Alright, enough from me. Go in peace.

This blog had no point.

Drew

this website if i could write it the way i talk in real life

something interesting for y'all to check out: if you dont know the media wave crew in real life, now you'll know how we really talk

http://sites.gizoogle.com/?url=http://www.mediawave.blogspot.com


-jordizzle

counter numero duece - welcome to medieeevaaal times!!

so i just added a second hits counter to the blog, only this one is a little more bad-ass.. if you look to the right on the side you will see an IRON CLAD medieval-lookin counter which would kick your ass if you tried to fuck with it. it looked like the kind of counter that would be an the Harley-Davidson website, or the Escaped Convicts Home Page, or something like that. if only it could be dripping blood that would be really fucking bad ass, but ill take what i can get.

id like to get feed back on these changes... should i stick with the regular counter, or the blood-thirtsy road-warrior counter... or maybe even get a different one all together? people, these are IMPORTANT blog issues we are tlaking about!


-jordan

Alyssa's Blog brings the boys to the yard, damn right it's better than yours

ok so i was trying to research for my open ended/no guide-lines/completely random topic "paper" due for Political Science class today, but instead i decided to work on tweeking the blog advertisements and maybe write a blog. Oh, and i also decided that doing all this was more important than going to my music class. Ill have to write a little sumpin sumpin on how retarded my music class and my political science classes are later, because i know if i do it in this post it will be way toooo looonng for you ADD babies with short attention spans to want to read. I bet if i split every long post into 3 different posts you'd have no problem reading them, but all in one is just too overwhelming. cry me an f'ing river, ok?
anywho, in my blog surfing i came upon the "RECENTLY UPDATED" section of the Blogger home page, and the first one is Alyssa's Blog. I thought 'hey why not, maybe its some chick with naked pictures of herself on it', so i clicked on it.
It turns out to be the blog of a middle school age girl who wrote these 2 blogs that are so completely representative of middle-school age girls that i had to post them here for you all to see:
the first one (which is actually the last one in the blogworld) is a simple friends shout out. what could be more interesting in a blog than a whole paragraph devoted to naming every one of your friends? and what could be more middle school?

~*Friend Shoutout*~

Hey i am giving a shout out to all of my friends that have been there for me when i needed them i love you guys.......Felicia, Kelly, Gina, Eileen, Carrie, Patrick, Jacquie (sry if i spelled that wrong), Ashton, Hayley, Matt King, EVAN ARBOUR (Evan i love you as a friend thanks for beeing there), Hilary Batouse..... A special shout out to Caitlin Bazinet and Jenn Butcher you guys are my best friends in the hwole entire world i love you guys to death you guys were there when i needed you and i thank you for that..... I love you guys to death :-)

if you would remember to just a few seconds ago when i asked you, "what could be more middle-school" than a post of shout out? well, a few things. Continually saying "I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!" or some variation of that. It would have been perfect if she spelled "love" as "luv" but oh well. But the best part is this whole next post... enjoy:

~*March 16, 2005*~

Today i think everyone has issues Felicia and andy broke up again.. I have no idea if they are going to get back together or not but its really not my buisness.... I am in love with Mike and i hope that we can stay toghether for awile but something tells me that he is just using me for a piece of a$$ or my body or something....idk...Hopefully i can find out so i don't get hurt..... This Friday is suppsed to be a fun day i am going to go to Felicia's house and we are going to be staying up all niht if we can...The best part is that my botfriend Mike might be going and i think IT is going to happen.... I am so excited and pumped..... I love you Mike!!!!!

posted by Alyssa @ 10:50 AM 0 comments


"I think IT is going to happen...." Oh my god! IT!! im a 14 year (or under) and i am "IN LOVE" with MIKE!!!
i dont even know where to begin with why this post is completely hilarious. Lets start with the fact the her blog opens up with the sentence " Today i think everyone has issues Felicia and andy broke up again.." Felica and Andy broke up (AGAIN). is this ringing a bell to anyone?
I mean, of course I was not like this in middle school because I am
a) not a girl
b) not a moron
but, many many people where and just like i do today, i used to be a keen observer of the behavior of my peers. every middle school girl is IN LOVE with some 'cute' guy, but hmm guess what, the guy definately is not "in love" with her. guys tend to not even think they are in love until they are in their late teens, or maybe early 30's. and i bet half the time they arent anyway. but this guy Mike might just be using her to get a$$.
i cant believe she spelled it with two money signs! thats so awesome.
I remember in middle school at least 2 people wrote in my year book
"Have a kick @$$ summer!"
one of them even commented to me that it was in case my parents read it.

but then she goes on to say "idk" which if you dk means "i dont know" in internet abbreviation speak. then she says that she can hopefully find out so she doesnt get hurt, which obviously implies that she will ask one of her best friends to ask one of mikes best friends to ask him how he really feels about her so that she can then tell alyssa and then she can ultimately decide to stay with mike until mike breaks up with her for the more popular girl anyway. In order to keep Mike (who she is in love with, keep in mind), she is probably going to have sex with him (what i'm assuing "IT" means... as it means that to all people who have not had sex, especially those under 15). I saw a tv show on the behavior of pre-teens and sex, and this is exactly what they showed, only it was more about the girls giving head than about having sex. who knows though, that was at least 5 years ago. kids move really quickly nowadays. maybe IT means head, but in my experience only a few pre-teens girls said they were 'excited' about doing that, and that was only a few weeks ago.
And this is all going to happen her friends house whre they hope to stay up all night. remember when you used to do that? now half the time i find people wanting to go to bed earlier, especially if they are out of beer. oh, the innocence of youth: spending their fridays at their friends house gossiping about boys, staying up all night, inviting their 'boyfriends' over to do "IT". ah, to be young again.


anywho, aside from my in depth analysis of the corrupted and sexually active youth of today, this post was also just simply about how absolutely funny it is to read what a middle school girl has to say. I totally remember girls acting that exact way, and just the way she writes - especially saying 'idk' and 'a$$' is just brilliant.

i get such a kick out of stuff like this. i hope she keeps posting... cause i cant wait to find out if Felicia and Andy get back together and if Alyssa and Mike do IT!!!! hehehehe !!!


hope you all enjoyed the strange world of the pre-teenager without the use of binoculars while sitting on a large tree branch outside your neighbors house.

ill post about more relevant stuff (like the the expansion of our store counter, old greek men, Wiggles, bowling, the habbits of video store customers) when i finish my stupid political science paper. (which by the way has to be done in less than 4 hours and i havent even started researching yet....)


- Jordan
Alyssa's #1 fan

a quick one while he's away

that title is my clever homage to the Who song.. anyway

i know i havent posted in a while, and this is no exception. many funny and bizaare things have happened in the last week or 2, and all of them have been forgotten.
oh well, ill take an hour and try and recount them, but for now i just wanted to alert the public to 2 new additions to this blog:
1. selling out! yes, i took it upon myself to sell out and allow a few blog ads to the side of the page. take a look at them maybe they will be intersting.
2.a counter! at the bottom of the page. now we can see how awesomely successful, or awesomely pathetic this page is and if people actually even visit it at all. now there will be hard evidence. so please visit a lot so it looks like everyone reads it all t he time. unfortunately it also counts the times when i update and then view the blog, or sample view it for the sake of template changes or antyhing. so it says like 37 views right now, its probably only 10. whatevs.


signing out
-jordan

ill be back soon, i promise

David Bowie and the Vagina Hand Towel, a Cautionary Tale

If you know me, you know that I LOVE the movie "The Labyrinth". Ever since I was little, something about David Bowie in his makeup and spandex has entranced me and when I find someone to share that love with, it's great. So far, I've found only a few Labyrinth followers: Steve, Alice, and Meggie just to name a few. But over the years a certain song, "Magic Dance" has some how turned in to a love song between Meggie and I. It's as if David is singing just to us about how he saw his baby crying hard as babe could cry, what could he do? So last night, in the spirit of Meggie (one of Media Wave's favorite groupies) coming home today for spring break, I text messaged her with the line, "You remind me of a babe . . ." (which is the opening line of the song) and I expected to get a text back containing, "What babe?". But instead, Meggie finished my sentence with "and her name is Kina Taylor." Needless to say, I was very disappointed. Obviously, Meggie was too entranced by her boyfriend's magic stick to remember the lyrics of Magic Dance. I was heartbroken. But alas, I called Meggie only to find out that she was absolutely wasted at 8:30 pm and probably couldn't have recalled her own middle name. I was comforted by the fact that Meggie is a drunk but still loved me, but what Meggie told me next was something that will live with me for the rest of my life. She announced to me, in her drunken baby voice, "I'm wiping my (censored) hooha on someone's hand towel. Tomorrow, they're going to wash their face and dry it with this towel thinking it's clean. But it's not. It has my juices on it. hahaha." Apparently Meggie had run out of toilet paper, and had to go to Plan B - using a hand towel. While I was truly grossed out by this information, I was pleased to know that it was in the bathroom of a fraternity house that Meggie's evil plan was taking place. Today, some frat brother cleaned his face with a towel smelling of lady, a smell I'm sure he recognized immediately. Ahhh . . . how lovely.

So I guess this story didn't have much of a point, other than causing you to think twice before you ever invite Meggie over to your house again, hopefully spurring you to go rent the "Labyrinth" (at Media Wave!), and rethink that idea you had about being in a fraternity - unless you already wear hooha scented aftershave.

Kina

Boiling Point

Normally I don't post from work, but Jesus Christ I am so annoyed right now. Standing directly to my right, mere feet away, is a woman who I ended a transaction with (literally) ten minutes ago. At this point she takes out her cell phone and starts having a conversation with someone. And there she stands, STILL TALKING TO SOMEONE. She is loud and obnoxious and completely oblivious to the fact that it is really rude when someone is trying to work behind the counter while she's flapping her gums. She's ruining the groove of the music I am listening to and causing me to think suicidal thoughts. Of all the annoying cell phone offenses, this has to rank up there with the best, brightest, and most homicidal. I had to help a customer where she was standing so I asked her to move and she was like "Oh, he's going to bring it back blah blah blah..." DUH. I heard her entire fucking conversation. As she's walking out she says into her phone "I'm like, holding up the line just standing there, talking..." That's what pisses me off more than anything: people who know how fucking annoying they are, but continue to live their life in the same, haphazard fashion. God bless America. God bless Fairfield County.

Asshole Burrito

Usually it's pretty hard for random strangers to piss me off, because normally they're more complimentary than rude, but today I met an exception to that equation. I know that its customary for posts on this blog to be about idiot Media Wave customers, but I think its just as interesting to hear about my own idiot customers from up the road at the Mexican food restaurant I work at. Which shall remain nameless since I don't know how my boss would feel about me trash talking customers.
Let me preface this story with a statement to those who don't know me; I am short. So today, a tall, middle-aged man walks in and he seems to be very happy and talkative, and I take part in a conversation with him about the virtues of the tequila in Mexico. I was wearing my King Ranch hat today, he noticed it, and asked me if I was from Texas. When I said that yes, in fact, I was, his response to me was "Well, they sure didn't make you bigger, did they?" My first instinct was to tell him that thanks to this guy I once knew, I found out that not everythings bigger in Texas, and the sooner he learn that too- the better. But alas, my boss was standing behind me, so instead I told him that if I had only stayed there a few years longer, the doctors told me I'd have reached 7'3". He laughed and then said," You know, I had a secretary once that was about your height, and people around the office would tease her. You know, playfully. Then one day, I made a joke and she got her feelings hurt." I said, "What did you say?". He said, "Well, I just asked her what it was like to be the last one to know it was raining. How was I supposed to know she'd have her feelings hurt?" Gee, maybe because she's an adult woman that can't even go to work without a bunch of idiot men making fun her . . . Obviously, I couldn't say this - and even though I'm the same height as the woman who he offended, and probably would have been offended, myself, its been a slow week in tips so I said, "That's weird that she got mad. That joke is really funny."
From this post, I hope the masses learn from this man's mistake. Don't tell a fat person a fat joke. Don't tell a bald person a bald joke. And don't tell me a short joke unless I need money, and then I'll think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Kina

Watch Out, Two-Headed Dog (Not Cerberus)!

So you will be probably be seeing a lot more posts next week (whether you like it or not), because I’ll be on spring break. Yeah, the first week of March is spring to the good folks at the University of Connecticut, even though it’s freezing tits outside and no one’s really in the springy Spring Break mood. At least I’m not. What the fuck?

Maybe Jordan and I will finally make good on our endless chitchat and direct a music video under our creative moniker/bowling team name The Casual Fridays. But probably not. To get the “feel” of what our videos will probably look like (a.k.a. what we’re going to rip off, only for a lot less money), watch the following videos that are floating round out there in Internetland and that we both fucking love:

Bjork “Triumph of the Heart”
Basement Jaxx “Oh My Gosh”
Fatboy Slim “The Joker”
Beck “Black Tambourine,” “E-Pro,” “Hell Yes”
LCD Soundsystem “Daft Punk is Playing at My House”

And Jordan hasn’t seen the new Dizzee Rascal video for “Off 2 Work,” but when he does he’s going to love it. (Because he has a thing for Tony Blair’s wife, mostly.)

As you can tell from the videos above, our music videos are sure to be kitten-filled. And have at least one robot, or guy doing a robotic voice. There will also probably be the following:

- Break-dancing
- Blood
- Siamese Twins that are also samurai warriors
- Helicopters
- Helicopters crashing into buildings and school buses
- Arm-wrestling chimpanzees
- Trick photography
- Swearing
- If it’s a rap video, classy black and white photography
- Diamonds
- Several friends enjoying pizza
- Peril
- … And lots more!

Post your song suggestions and concepts, because we’ve (obviously) not above stealing from other people.

Thanks.
Drew.

Jeff Makes Hilarious Fake Media Wave Commercial, Humiliates Customer, Entertains Me

It’s no secret that Jeff likes to get crunked up. Hell, we all do, from time to time. That is, if any of us knew what the fuck “crunked up” meant. (Although I did hear Cee-Lo’s daughter say it a few times on that disgusting episode of “Sweet 16.”) Anyway, I took this crunking into consideration when I walked into the video store today after school to see Jeff wearing a cut out of Lil’ Jon on his shirt. What I’m getting at here is that it didn’t really strike me as being too out of the ordinary, especially for Jeff.

Anyway… Chris walks up and he’s got a cut-out of Snoop Dogg on his shirt, which reminded me of the one funny thing Chris and Jeff have concocted together: a version of Snoop’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” only this time to fit Media Wave’s return policy: “Drop It In the Slot.”

Then, Jeff gets all excited, which is extremely frightening sometimes due to his size, and yells at Chris to “show me the video.” Then Chris whips out his little spy-cam and shows me.

The video:
In walks one of our most loyal and weirdest customers, Dave C. This guy is roughly shaped like an overstuffed eggplant, an overstuffed eggplant with an even weirder satellite of a head on top of that egg plant. He used to be involved in technology development, although how long ago we have no idea. Now he fixes peoples computers and lives in a shanty in Bridgeport. He thinks he knows everything about everything, and will say things like this (no joke): “We have the capacity for time travel, we just haven’t harnessed the sun’s energy yet.”

Um, right.

So, he walks in carrying a DVD. Then Jeff walks into frame. “Hey, Dave,” says Jeff. Then, egg-shaped Dave C. says, “Hey man, just drop it in the slot, drop it in the slot, drop it in the slot,” completely off key and painful. Dave C. will not be our next American Idol, that’s for fuck sure.

THEN THEY DO THIS THREE TIMES. They were making a weird little mini-commercial using one of our most bizarre customers. It was truly one of the weirdest things I have ever seen go on inside the hallowed walls of Media Wave that Jordan and I haven’t been personally responsible for.

Jordan, you have to see this video… So fucking weird…

Drew.

isnt Gordon that black dude on Seasame Street? awesome!

there is this nice old man that comes into the store all the time (..ALL the time) and he is very sweet and polite, but he continually calls me GORDON instead of JORDAN. At one time he called me Jordan and I'm not sure why he changed it.
But he is so sweet that i dont have the heart after all this time to tell him he is calling me the wrong name.
thing is, it drives me totally nutz. i cant stand it and every one knows that and thinks its hilarious.

one time i asked jeff to wait until this old guy came up to the counter, and once he did to loudly call me JORDAN so he would know without embarassment that he was wrong and would simply change what name he called me.

but jeff, being the weasel he is, decided instead of call me GORDON really loudly so this old man would think he was definatley correct and continue to call me GORDON.

now, here's something funny that happened recently:
this old guy came in and i put up with him using the wrong name as usual... when he came in he said "hey Gordon how's it going?" and then went to look for a video. But when he came up to the counter he definately called me JORDAN! he distinctly used the name Jordan and i thought "THANK THE LORD he finally found out he was wrong and is going to use the right name despite Jeff's efforts"
but then as he was leaving and i said "have a good day Mr. ____" he goes
"you too, have a good day Jordan!...

Gordon..

Have a good day Gordon!"
and then he left before i could tell him he was right with the Jordan!
What on earth would make him suddenly change the name he called me MID-GOODBYE!? he said one name, and then the other... and then switched back to the wrong name. question is.. why did he say Jordan if he has been calling me Gordon for so long? but more importanly, why did he suddenly switch back to Gordon as if to try out a new name and then confirm the old one...

it makes no sense


AHH! will this torture never end? i cant just tell him!

hopefully he is reading the blog


-jordan

the shoes make the man

next in my ongoing series of weird things that customers say:

let me preface this by saying that there are MANY bizaaaaare people that come into the store, but it is a rare occasion that these seperate walking human behavior exhibits happen to find themselves and become friends... but when this happens (and it does) it is magical.
one of these magical meeting of the minds happened with 2 of our arty, filmschoolish, my-mom-did-drugs-while-she-was-pregnant customers.

anyway, for the first time ever these two dudes come in together which was amazing enough on its own. and then one of them some them some how sees a stack of cds behind the counter which we had waiting to be played on the store stereo. most of these cds were drews, and if you know drew at all you know he is a dance-dance-dance-dance-dancin machine (watch him get down, watch him get down) aka he LOVES electronic and dance music. (also enjoys electronic dance music) so these cds were of course all the new and hip dance cds out there today.
this kid was able to pick up and that and asked whos music it was. i told him it was drews, and he just looks at me and says
"well tell drew to keep his shoes"

and didnt say antyhing else. i looked at him and i was like "umm.. he will"

then like 5 seconds later the kid looks at me with his kooky face and his crazy eyes and goes
"his dancing shoes, i mean. tell drew to keep his dancing shoes on"

man, that was odd.


and thats my story.

i hope it translated in blog form as well as it did in real life person to person story telling form, cause drew sure did find it funny.


-jordan