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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Monday, March 28, 2005

The Ghost of Tom Waits... who is also schizophrenic and talking to Spongebob

holy jesus mary and the spook!
i turned around to look out the window and i see this large round gentleman standing in the pouring rain in front of one of our display posters. It was a poster of Spongebob Squarepants The Movie. I was like
"hmm, maybe he just wanted to see something on the poster"
but no, he stood there for at least 3 or 4 minutes, talking (maybe yelling) at the poster... pointing his finger at it several times, walking away from it and then walking back with his finger pointed and waving at it. I stood in the store and watched it for this whole time, completely dumbfounded and insterested. Then i remembered that the other day Drew told me he was some crazy guy talking to himself outside the store. This must be the same guy, I thought, laughing it off... until i noticed him COMING INTO THE STORE. AHH!!
he walks in and with rain water dripping off his hood onto the counter and a deep scratchy voice like Tom Waits, he says:
"excuse me sir, outside you have a picture of something called "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" and i absolutely must know who the pinheaded character to the side of him is"
Me:"um, im not exactly sure"
Crazy Guy: "sir, it is absolutely necessary that i get this information. afndnfs;ngsjnjn" he starts mumbling crazy shit...
I go over to the poster and look at it... It was Spongebob's best friend, but i coudlnt place the name so i went over to the DVD rental box to check out the description on the back to see if it says his name.
The crazy guy follows me and says:

"i live in this country im a republican in this country i should be able to find out who is in the poster, the country depends on it"

Then he takes the box from me and reads it aloud to himsef. he gets to the list of characters and goes
"list of celebrity voices include.... David Hasslehoff, Oh Now we're cookin!!"

hahahhaa
hell yes. this guy obviously has good taste. but then he just keeps reading into nowhere, while his jacket and hood is dripping water all over the dvd boxes.
He gets closer and closer to me and i'm getting more freaked out by the second. I start inching myself away from him because who knows what he is capable of.. maybe he has a knife or soemthing...
Then he grabs another random box off the wall and keeps repeating the words "Where did this come from? where did this come from" over and over to himself...

uuuhh... what the balls, this guy is obviously schizophrenic or something.

Then he just wanders around the store in his own words mumbling insane things and standing at the wall staring and talking to the wall.

On the stereo at the time i was playing the Jazz/funk stylings of Galactic. Now, since this guy sounds like Tom Waits, he starts sounding like Tom Waits out of his mind on drugs and skating and talking along with the music! i dont know if any of you know Tom Waits' music but a lot of it is talking or singing slowly and mumbling things over jazzy, loungy, bluesy music. It started to actually sound good and i began grooving to this crazy schizophrenic version of Tom Waits.


as i write this he is still doing it and i have no idea what to do about him.. eventaully he is going to scare customers away, but there are no customers right now.
I wish i could make out more of what he is saying..

i just turned off the music in order to hear him more clearly, and he stands there and goes "Please dont do that"

maybe he was really singing along to it! maybe he is some unknown jazz skat genius!


more updates as they happen

-Jordan

2 Comments:

  • At 3:54 PM, Anonymous Sarah's little brother said…

    Highlarious.

    How does David Hasslehoff keep finding work outside of Germany?

     
  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    I think you may have seen God. I hope you weren't rude to him.

     

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