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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

DVDs of the Week 1

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.

My Baby Is Black!

If I can tell anything about this film based on the cover, it's about a sexy black man being seduced by a cartoon white woman... and the product of this bond of the flesh world and the ink world is a cartoon baby born totally in black ink. And it all takes place in France. Fucked up.

And as if that wasn't enough racial tension, you get "Checkerboard", another subtly-titled french art film depicting racial hatred fueled by the love of two crazy french youngsters. There is obviously a colorful cast of characters in this one: 2 passionate lovers, an angry man with a shotgun, a wise old black man, a wisely obese oriental stereotype (including Fu Manchu mustache), a buxom blonde vixen, and maybe a priest? (I guess when everything's in black and white it can be harder to tell men of the cloth) - all character types equally essential to tales of hatred and forbidden love. Apparently there is at least one wooden limb beating in this film, making true it's claim of "a tour of violence!".

Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as suggestive.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who didn't know what he was getting into, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.

Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show

I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.

Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.

That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.


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