Happy Vagina Day from "Hey, I'm a dog"

"Hey,I'm a dog!" holiday cardz official website, bitch

Anna Nicole - An enigma in life, a legend in death

Anna Nicole Smith, well-known health guru, feminist spokesperson, noted voluptuary and star of "Naked Gun: 33 1/3", was pronounced dead today, her body having finally caught up with her brain. Ironically, she died at the young age of 39, far too young to have collected and enjoyed the inherited fortune she spent the better part of her life seeking, targeting, having sex for, and battling legally over.
You may judge her, but I ask you: is a life of working hard in a corporate office for a fortune really any different, physically, mentally, or philosophically, than having sex with an 89-year-old man, even just once? They're equally as degrading, and an affair with an old man probably involves changing more diapers.

It is not my intention to mock and shame a human being so soon after she died, so I will let her body of work (pun!!!!!) speak for itself.

Anna Nicole, truly I wish it was your manager and not you, and if you remember The Anna Nicole Smith show like I do, you remember that her manager/best friend/secret admirerer would have easily layed his life down if he could, as he did his dignity on national television. He was the real life Smithers to her Mr. Burns (who, incidentally, she was actually married to for a time).
If the saying "it's better to burn out than to fade away" is true, it definitely applies here, but I don't think it was meant quite as literally.
Let her death not be in vain - boycott TrimSpa! It promises to make you thin, but what they don't tell you is that you won't just be as trim as a skeleton, you'll actually be one! Ahh! (Too soon)
In life she was an enigma, in death she is a legend...
Now she can finally be reunited in heaven with her one and only love, who has actually been in heaven longer than she's been fat, which is a long fucking time. Ouch.
RIP
(P.S. I'm sorry, Anna's ghost. I didn't mean any of it)
Also, here are some titles for the forthcoming Anna Nicole Smith biography that I came up with:
Shameless Plug: The Life and Times of Anna Nicole Smith (Double Meaning)
A Pig With Wings: How Anna Nicole Captured The Hearts and Minds of America
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, There Are So Many Other Reasons: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Anna Nicole Smith
A Voluptuary and the Oil Tycoon: The Classic American Love Story (I just really like the word "voluptuary")
Beauty and the Beast: The story of J. Howard Marshall II and Anna Nicole, Respectively
Like My Body? Want Some Money? And Other Things On Anna Nicole Smith's Gravestone
Beautiful Enigma: The Inspirational Life of Anna Nicole, Retarded Model
*keep checking back, I might come up with more

1/31 - NEVER FORGET

This post may be, as they say, "too soon", but I have to share with you the disturbing events of a day that will now live in comic infamy, Janurary 31, 2007.

As many of you may know, yesterday Boston finally (almost) experienced their own 9/11. I know that's a bold statement, so allow me to explain.

In the morning a phone call was made, presumably by a semi-retarded individual, alerting the officials of certain suspicious "boxes" and unidentified "packages" (sexual...) made up of complex, possibly Middle Eastern-style circuitry with blinking lights forming an undiscernable symbol were placed in strategic places all over the city and thought to be bombs. Well populated areas like subways, malls, popular stores, bridges, etc were targets of this massive terrorist plot.

The city of Boston, wasting no time and sparing no expense or - what's the word? - thoughts, SHUT DOWN nearly the entire city transportation - subways and highways were closed, and even schools were shut down; called in all its law enforcements and emergency departments - including help from the FBI, and possibly the coast guard, local college campus security personnel, the LifeCall Alert emergency service, D.A.R.E., the off-duty life guards, the Shriners, retired war veterans, and people eager to make citizens arrests.

It turned out that was looked like a harmless glowing sign was actually.... a harmless glowing sign! Eventually it was revealed to the bumbling masses of trained emergency workers from city to federal levels that these complex terrorist bombs were nothing more than simple battery-powered light up billboards (or "terror boards"), and the meticulously planned plot to blow up the entire city of Boston was nothing more than an "advertising campaign" (of destruction) for a crazy cartoon show called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"(whatever that means!), or "Aqua Teen Terror Force" as it will henceforth be known.

That's right, you read that correctly. Boston shut itself down over a terrorist scare that was simply based on blinking lights, blinking lights that could have been identified as cartoon characters from anyone ages 9-45. These "bombs" were basically light boxes in the shape of "Mooninites" from the TV show, seen below.

This cute little guy, clearly a character of some sort, and not, as it was originally believed, a letter in Arabic language, caused Boston to shut down for an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY.

If you don't believe me - and you shouldn't because it's totally fucking insane -here is a picture of a police man, or a bomb squad officer, or maybe campus security, removing one of these potentially dangerous, definitely adorible "bombs".

Is this not the silliest thing you've ever seen?

The police were quoted as saying "Whoever did this — whether it be kids or adults — if they think it's funny, I think they'll soon learn it's not that much of a humorous situation."
Well put. Clearly this person has a great sense of humor, but oh, how very wrong they are. This rivals the McDonald's impersonator scam as the funniest thing to happen... ever. But wait, there's more...

The best part is that this ad campaign had been in place for TWO to THREE WEEKS before anyone noticed it in Boston, AND NINE other cities! New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Yet not even New York, a city that was actually attacked by terrorists and is constantly on high alert reacted, and somehow Boston was the only one that even acknowledged these 2D cartoon characters in any way, let alone put the city on lockdown. This suggests the terrorists are trickier than we thought.

The police justified their outrageous misreading and irresponsible (and costly) overreaction to blinking lights in context of the "post-9/11 world", saying that they have to "treat it like what it is". Other police policies include "I think, therefore I am" and "where ever you go, there you are".

The confusion is reasonable, though. These "Mooninites" could easily be a confused with a mystical sect of Islam, and the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" sounds very much like a possible name for a radical socialist religious communist terrorism extremist group. In fact, there is still no definite proof that it is not.

It was reported that Boston officials had to finally "accept the fact" that it was an ad campaign and not a terrorist attack, meaning that they had already followed several leads and had to settle on the grim, disappointing reality. This was a difficult thing for them to do considering that they were counting on this to finally gain Boston the status as "New York #2", or "Lil' NYC". This was going to be their 9/11! A terrorist attack may be terrible, but let's just say you really feel important as a city if someone cares enough to bomb you. Next time, guys.

The Governor claimed that the city acted vigilantely, and taking a cue from him I went out with several vigilante groups to take brutal action against all possible Mooninites, terrorist or otherwise, and any other kind of alien we could find, including human immigrants, just to be on the safe side. Right or wrong, there have been no more bomb scares since then, so I think we're doing a pretty good job.

In addition to my violent actions, I've also started a watch group: CCACTUS - Concerned Citizens Against Cartoon Terrorism in the United States. So far we've been very effective in stopping this massive problem, and hopefully our petitioning and lobbying will change the agenda of the current administration to focus on this growing threat to our freedom.

Of course, this reminds us of the horrible "Lite Brite" scare of the 1980's during which demonic "lights on a board" (quite similar to those used in this "ad campaign", perhaps by the same terrorists) mesmerized and brainwashed the nation's children. It tore this country apart, just as these "harmless" "cartoons" are doing now.

The worst part of this whole insanity is that people actually got arrested for their marketing efforts. THEY ACTUALLY ARRESTED PEOPLE FOR THIS! The police claimed they wanted to put them in jail because surely "prosecution will have a deterant effect". Yes, because putting marketing people in jail for "hoax bombs" which were neither "hoax" nor "bombs" and had no intention of being either, will absolutely put a stop to any future bombing attemtps and/or creative marketing campaigns.

The important thing is that we are all safe and that no one was killed - that is, except for those in need of emergency assistance or law protection that were denied it while everyone was staring at blinking light boxes.

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!

Other threats to look out for:

1.Cross walks

2. Idiots

Most importantly, I'm a star! I recently became involved, both professionally and sexually, with a "comedy" "troupe" at Emerson who are in turn involved a comedy show called ZEBRO. They make videos and do sketches. As a comedy troupe in Boston sitting through the most outrageously comical thing to ever happen in Boston (other than the Tea Party and the Red Sox), it was decided that it was our duty to respond with an angry, immature, foul-mouthed video, and I'm in it to some degree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-D0F4Q9yk

We worked for 4 hours compiling jokes, extended clips of the most ridiculous news footage (all of them taking this so completely seriously), wild rants and nudity, and it was boiled down to a tightly loose 4 minutes, mostly composed of news clips. Many, many jokes were cut out for the sake of time, or because they weren't funny, and what's left is a lot of yelling, which what anyone wants in a video.

I'll say in my defense that the camera adds 35 pounds, as opposed to the standard 10 that people think (it changes for different people, depending on the level of their self-delusion).

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!