Bush Finally Goes Too Far

So, I get home from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” screening in high spirits. The movie was a whole lot of fun and today was my last day of regular classes for this, the spring semester 2005. Also, there was a brand spanking new episode of “The OC” waiting for me on the TiVo. I go to turn it on, hoping for some hot beach bodies, soapy storylines and one or more lesbian kiss when I get this: my arch nemesis and superb war-started (few people know he was responsible for the War of 1812 and the Korean War) George W. Bush. He’s giving his asinine press conference on why we should enact his social security “reform” and describe what baby flesh tastes like, with no trace of “The OC” whatsoever. And this was the one when Seth’s grandmother comes back!

So, being a complete nerd I go online to try to figure things out. The first place I stop? The official “OC” Message Boards, of course. (Yes, you read those last couple of sentences right. The official “OC” Message Boards. Because the unofficial ones are just too unpredictable and frequently wrong.) And I come across this little gem by an enraged fan:

F*CK YOU BUSH!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET HERPES IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT AND YOU CANNOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!! YOU ARE A MORON AND NOBODY CARES TO HEAR YOU STUTTER LIKE A MORON WHEN WE COULD BE WATCHING THE OC!!!! EVERYBODY HATES YOU AND FEELS LIKE THE OC IS A MUCH FOR VALUABLE USE OF OUR TIME AND YOU ARE FULL OF SH*T ANYWAYS OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO SAY SOCIAL SECURITY WILL BE AROUND FOR US ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN CHARGE OF THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES????? I DIDNT THINK SO AND SINCE YOU ARE MAKING SO MUCH MONEY OFF OF GAS RIGHT NOW WHO CARES IF THEY TAKE AWAY YOUR PENSION!!!! EVERY SINCE YOU HAVE GOTTEN IN THE OFFICE THIS COUNTRY HAS GONE TO SH*T FIRST ALL OF THIS TERRORISM/WAR DRAMA AND NOW YOU TAKE AWAY THE ONE THING I LOOK FOWARD TO EVERY WEEK! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET OFF OF MY 12 HOUR SHIFT SINCE I HAVE TO PAY FOR EXPENSIVE GAS AND ALL AND WATCH MY SHOW AND YOU RUINED IT I AM SO GLAD YOU CANT BUY YOUR WAY INTO THE OFFICE NEXT ELECTION BECAUSE I BET YOU WOULD I ONCE AGAIN HOPE YOU GET HERPES!!! does anyone know if they are going to show the oc next week?

This was one of the replies on the board:

wow... i dont like bush, but you kinda scare me

Now, granted, I hate the guy, too. He started a costly and deadly illegal war for very selfish reasons and has made planet earth a generally more unattractive place for mankind (he also was responsible for the premature cancellation of “Cheers”), but I am not going to get all uppity about him preempting a hit television teen drama. (Besides the uppitiness that leads me to message boards.)

I love how after all that outrage, too, there’s the wimpy little comment of “when is the show going to be on?” To them I say: ask TV Guide. Treating this as a mini-crisis, as I did, shows me just how ludicrous I was being. It also makes me wish Bush had herpes on the back of his throat, therefore he won’t be unable to speak and, thusly, preempt “The OC.”

Actually, I wish for some kind of high-powered and untraceable laser. I’d be like those jokesters in the movie theater “drawing” on the screen with their laser pointers, only I’d make the president’s head explode like in “Scanners.” Oh, wait, then Dick Cheney would be president. Little children would be scared to look at the paper or turn on the television. Nevermind. Carry on, numbskull.

[They’re showing both episodes back to back next week, by the way, for those who are curious.]

Drew.

The Whitesnake Follow Up

After spending 3 hours and almost $100 at the only Flea Market from now until June (god help me what am i going to use as an excuse for being late to work every other sunday?), i came away with several great items, and one of them was the gift of WHITESNAKE.
I know i laughed, maybe even electronically scoffed at Whitesnake for having a 2 disc greatest hits set, but let me tell you all something now:
WHITESNAKE RULEZ.

yea, i added a Z instead of an s for awesomeness.

I was desperately searching for the album (record or cd form) LOVE HUNTER because A. I knew it would be AMAZING (in the way that a shitty 80's hair metal band can be... which is the best way)
and B. I wanted to frame it because its the best album cover i've ever seen. Sadly, I couldn't find it anywhere amidst the sloppily stacked record crates, even in the ones that had other Whitesnake and like bands. I did find another album by them and i played (or should i say UNLEASHED) it at work today and i had my fucking socks rocked right off my unsuspecting feet.

thats all for now, i'm gonna go ride the 'Snake.

-Jordan

Jeff is good for one thing.. quotes, AND co-producing R&B

Here are some random quotes from Jeff that prove he is a genius..

"Life is about bitches and money"

"I love young girls with big tits, it means when they are my age they'll have huge tits"

more to come..

Oh yea, I forgot to mention:

Jeff is co-producing a song with Al Green.

Yes, Al Green.

Ok, No, not the Al Green The Soul Machine that you know..
but he's still a real smooth black guy, so whats the difference?
He is an independent soul/R&B music producer who love Anime (but nothing too racey, he's born-again). Jeff is a DJ on his free time and they are actually working on a song together. What Jeff could offer a black guy about black music is beyond me, and why a soul music producer would pick a short, spiky-haired white kid over a smooth dude with a big afro(me) listening to a classic Parliament album on the store stereo to produce music with him is also beyond me. (yes, i am also white, whiter than jeff in skin color, but my blackness shows through. thats why they call me CHOCOLATE)

Jealousy aside, 3 Cheers for Jeff.


-Chocolate, the soul machine (er.. jordan)

Kirstie Alley is fat, get it?

Kirstie Alley, Respected Actress


After having the fact that Kirstie Alley got fat drilled into my mind for the last few months, it suddenly occured to me that this could all be an elaborate plot to get her career back. Think about it - Before the whole country was all too aware of her weight gain, when is the last time you thought about Kirstie Alley? I sure as hell don't remember thinking about her at all, with the exception of the passing thought
"Hey, whatever happened to that show "Veronica's Closet" that Kirstie Alley was getting fat on? I think it got canceled"
Thats probably where most of America had left their interest in her. Don't get me wrong, she's a fine actress... i liked "Cheers", I used to like "Look Who's Talking" (it one of those movies I know I won't like if I watch it after a significantly long period of time since childhood... like Cliffhanger), and hmmm let's see... oh yea, "Madhouse" is still one of my favorite movies (well, in the top 500)... but let's just say she didnt exactly have a lot going for her after her show got canceled.

A few years later, you turn on the T.V. and you hear that some celebrity has gainged weight, blah blah blah big deal no one cares. Then all of the sudden it BLOWS UP and for some reason EVERYONE cares. I still don't care (unless you count putting effort into writing a whole post about it). Then she takes her experiences being fat and makes a groundbreaking TV show (er..) out of it (which sounds really bad), and it's like she is some kind of comedic genius/poor unfortunate soul.


She publically admitted that she got fat because she ate a lot of bad food whenever she wanted, because she wanted to. Why should anyone feel bad for her? I would compare her to someone like Nickie Sixx of Motley Crue who recklessly endulges in a variety of different vices and still comes out alive and on top with a lot of money, and then sells their story to make even more money. Only difference is I envy Nickie Sixx cause he did drugs and screwed a lot of groupies which is kick ass, and while I love eating... somehow Kiristie's story isn't quite as cool.


So my theory is that Kirstie and her publicist got together to brainstorm about how to get her career back on track and came up with the brilliant idea of letting Kirstie eat whatever she wants and gain a ton of weight because the American public LOVES to hear stories about celebrity weight gain AND celebrity weight loss. It is pretty brilliant. So not only will she be back in the spot light, but she will get the public sympathy AND i bet the "Fat Actress" pilot script was written 3 years ago. Then she'll get even more publicity from having such a controversial TV show subject that breaks new ground for women and overweight people and as if that wasn't enough, she will, as (in theory) she always planned to, lose the weight as soon as she got famous again and get a big money deal with Jenny Craig to promote weight loss.

So she went from a string of bad TV movies, the classic Tim Allen comedy "For Richer Or Poorer", and a small appearance in "Drop Dead Gorgeous" to having her name alllllll over the newspaper, tabloids, tv talk shows, news broadcasts (entertainment news is an awesome waste of time), endless interviews and stories about her tragic weight gain, to a popular and critically acclaimed HBO series and endorsing Jenny Craig in a bunch of commercials...

Not a bad strategy, Kirstie... Kudos, you diabolical genius, kudos.

(I'm reminded of the New and Improved Anna Nichole Smith *shudder*... only she isn't smart enough to get fat on purpose, or even to drive a car)

-Jordan, the celebrity conspiracy theorist.

by the way, this is what i did instead of doing my research paper due in 12 hours.

Jeff's insightful quote of the week

Regarding the horrible disaster that happened in Japan yesterday where a TRAIN derailed and flew into an apartment building killing 57 people, Jeff had these things to say:

"yea, well, thats cause they shouldn't have attacked us during the World Wars"

and

"they got theirs because last week I tried to order take out from a Chinese resturaunt and they wouldn't let me cause there was a $20 minimum for deliveries... it all comes around"


some day Jeff's mind will be studied for its comedic genius and wisdom... but for now, it's just looked down upon.

-Jordan

Conversations with Alyssa

I know you've all been waiting for some more Alyssa material, especially considering her last posts were so boring and offered very little insight or detail, so i had to add my own insight. Well, she hasn't posted at all recently, and i haven't gotten enough energy to talk about Felicia's blog yet... but in the mean time, my friend's boyfriend Sean took it upon himself to start IMing Lyssa on AOL (brilliant.. he beat me too it) and pretend that he knows her and that he knows someone who likes her. Props to Sean because this is the perfect scenario to rope her into a revealing conversation.
If you didnt remember from the post about it, Alyssa's screen name is the most appropriate name for a 14 year old girl, i couldn't even make this up:

Qt4evaLvr4Life82

based on this screen name, I'd be willing to bet 50 big ones (dollars, not thousands) that she has a shirt that says "BOYS LIE".

Anywho,
This is the converstaion as it was emailed to me:

So,
I told Sean about Alyssa, showed him the link and gave him her screen name and now hes making it his job to ruin her. This is what happened:
SeanTaylor1: hey
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Hey Whos this?
SeanTaylor1: an old friend
SeanTaylor1: sorta
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Like who?
SeanTaylor1: I wont tell you who it is yet, but I have something to tell you
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: What?
SeanTaylor1: we have a mutual friend...
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ...........????????
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Will you tell me your name?
SeanTaylor1: you can call me Sean
SeanTaylor1: ok, now this mutual friend is very interested in you
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Well wwhat is your real name?
SeanTaylor1: dont ask stupid questions, this isnt about me
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ???
SeanTaylor1: now
SeanTaylor1: our mutual friend wants you to know that..
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ........
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ???
SeanTaylor1: "you are the most beautiful girl in the world"
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Who is our mutual friend?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ???
SeanTaylor1: I cannot tell you yet
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: What school do u go to ?
SeanTaylor1: Winthrop
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Who are you?
SeanTaylor1: now lister Alyssa, question time
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok?
SeanTaylor1: I will ask you a yes or no question then you can ask me one
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok
SeanTaylor1: ONLY YES OR NO QUESTIONS
SeanTaylor1: ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: OK
SeanTaylor1: do you have a boyfriend?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: No
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Do u haave a girlfriend
SeanTaylor1: k your turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ???
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: I want to know wo this is but i ahve to go to lunch
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: So ill ttyl like next period
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Bye
SeanTaylor1: you have to skip lunch
SeanTaylor1: oh
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: No
SeanTaylor1: ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Bye

Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Who are u!?!?1
SeanTaylor1: ONLY yes or no question
SeanTaylor1: your turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Have i met you before
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ??/
SeanTaylor1: yes
SeanTaylor1: my turn...
SeanTaylor1: have you ever been in love before?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Yes i have
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Have u ??????
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Do u know John Barber?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
SeanTaylor1: which question do you want me to answer
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Both
SeanTaylor1: only 1 question per turn
SeanTaylor1: ask one this turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Fine the second one
SeanTaylor1: no
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: You don't know him?
SeanTaylor1: ok, my turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: .....
SeanTaylor1: have you ever had sex?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ..............

*Now Sean pauses to talk to Michelle about the conversation.. I'm not sure if he left something out, or if she left something else to me, but there's quite a jump in conversation content here... but this is really important*

SeanTaylor1: there is another man logan
SeanTaylor1: who has emerged as a possible banger
ANOTHER man, and his name is LOGAN???? hahah
now the answer you've all been waiting to hear:
HAS ALYSSA HAD SEX?
***

Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Yah
SeanTaylor1: ok
SeanTaylor1: your turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: How old are u ?!?!?!?1
SeanTaylor1: ok... obviously you dont understand the game
SeanTaylor1: YES or NO
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ooops
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Do you go to Maranacook?
SeanTaylor1: see you are making a big mistake by trying to figure out who I am
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: I want to know
SeanTaylor1: and not trying to figure out who Mr. X is
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ok?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ur turn
SeanTaylor1: we can open the questions up to anything now
SeanTaylor1: and you can go first
SeanTaylor1: go ahead, any question
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Who are u ?
SeanTaylor1: a mutual friend of yours and Mr. X's
SeanTaylor1: my turn
SeanTaylor1: who was the last guy who hurt you?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: .....................Logan..............
SeanTaylor1: ok your turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: My turn
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: How do i know u ?
SeanTaylor1: you know me through our mutual friend
SeanTaylor1: ok my turn
SeanTaylor1: what happened with Logan that hurt you?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Nuthing
SeanTaylor1: that is not an answer
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Idc
SeanTaylor1: you said he hurt you... what did he do?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: None of ur buisness
SeanTaylor1: ok
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Wht is our mutual friends name?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: what*
SeanTaylor1: "none of your business"
SeanTaylor1: the game is off, if you cannot answer my questions
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Yah i can
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ask me one
SeanTaylor1: I jsut did
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ..........
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Well ask another?
SeanTaylor1: what did logan do that hurt you?
SeanTaylor1: no, answer that question
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: He broke up with me !!!!!!!!!!!!
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: I don't take gettting brok euyp with real easyt
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Exspecially if i like him alot
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: !!!!!!!
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: And i did like him alot
SeanTaylor1: would you say he used you?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: No he just dumped me
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Tell me who u r?
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ur name!!!!!!
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: ...............
SeanTaylor1: Sean McGinnis
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: Ill ttyl
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: BYe
Qt4evaLvr4Life82: gtg

Ok so let's review this:
first of all, my favorite part is that she continually asked Sean what his name is and who he is... His screen name is SeanTaylor1. (almost as telling about Sean as Alyssa's screen name is about her...)How much more obvious can you get?? Then he say's his name is Sean McGinnis.. he's a funny guy. I liked that.
So this conversation wasn't quite as rewarding as I hoped it would be, but now he's established a believable identity with her and hopefully we can get home. Maybe I can IM her pretending to be this Mr. X guy who supposedly likes her.
Michelle claims that she told Sean that she had sex with Mike 7 times... now i dont see that anywhere in the conversation, so maybe she will write in and elaborate on that. But we do know that she definately has had sex, probably with more than one person... but who knows.

Personally, I miss having conversations like this. Earlier this week I was thinking, as I often do, about conversations people have at my (or any) age. I never get to talk about real gossip anymore because everyone is above it. I am above it as well, but every now and then i get a sweet tooth. Hopefully I get some good gossip from Kina's boyfriend search, expcept she's a lady and therefore doesn't give up any details.. what a bitch, right?

Well, that's it for this edition of Conversations With Alyssa (part of the ongoing Chronicles of *Lyssa).
Special thanks to Sean for using himself to get this promising adventure going.

I don't encourage anyone else to take it upon themselves to do this, however. At least notify me first so we can get stories straight, and all that.

-Jordan

What kind of world do we live in?

What kind of world do we live in where some guy can save a little bunny wabbit from dying under his porch only to start a website that claims if everyone doesnt donate up to $50,000 dollars to his bank account (through donations OR website merchandise), he will kill and eat this adorable little creature. Here is a picture of this evil man from his website



WWW.SAVETOBY.COM
I don't know if any of you have heard of this website or not, but a customer recently made me aware of it calling it "the funniest website ever". It is pretty funny, in a really really sick way.. but its also sick in a funny way.. or something. More than anything else it is disturbing and wrong. The only really funny thing is all the merchandise, which is also really sick.
Now, i'm usually all for something like this, in theory. But in theory, communism works... in theory.

For all of you out there thinking that this kind of thing MUST be illegal, well apparently it isn't. You'd think the ASPCA might have something to say about it, but really the rabbit is his property and it is legal to do what you want to your own property and i guess since he is taking the rabbit to a butcher shop to be slaughtered, that is legal too.
The thing that gets me is how twisted this is. If it was fake, then it would be pretty funny. But the guy swears it is not fake and that he will definately kill and eat this little bunny that he has nursed back to health and claims to love.
If you really love this bunny, which anyone would have to considering how cute it is... how could you bring yourself to do this. maybe he is bluffing and hoping that he actually gets $50,000 from the public.

could anyone really kill and eat this lil guy?

How lazy do you have to be to resort to a get-rich-quick scheme like this? this tops it. We thought that "Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire" was the lowest point of American Society... well, i think this is probably worse. Then agian, I've never tasted rabbit or the sweet sweet flavor of 50 cold G's in my bank account, so I can't really talk.

voice your opinions on this controversial website on our very popular and lively comments section!

-Jordan, questioning civilization

Tuttle Agency commercials

Has anyone ever seen these hilariously bad commercials from the geniuses at The Tuttle Agency? These are some of the best commercials i've ever seen. I haven't actually seen them on TV, but thanks to Danny Books for giving me this link...

http://www.tuttleagency.com/video.asp

i dont think i really need to comment on them, they speak for themselves. Enjoy

-Jordan, you're link to the magical world of TV commercials on the internet

The 4/20 post

i hope you all know what today is...

4/20! EXTRAVAGANJA!!
.
that's a picture of Drew (the bald one) and me (the red hair with a headband)

this reminds me of a shirt Drew has with those words on it that he coincidentally got from HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE, the extravaganja headquarters.

I've never understood this 4/20 thing, even when I smoked weed on an every-weekend basis. I absolutely can't stand people who would try and wait to smoke until 4:20 in the afternoon, or 4:20 in the morning, and yes i knew people who did that in high school. (Whoa- I just realized that High School could also be HIGH'S COOL if you leave out the H and add an apostrophe!! thats fuckin RAD! being high is cool.) My friend Pete used to say that if we waited until 8:40 we could smoke twice as much. Pete is a funny guy. He didnt smoke weed.
I've never gotten a straight answer as to what 4/20 actually means.. i dont know if it's a police code, or a certain historical date or whatever.. i dont really care. I'm not against weed or smoking it or people who smoke it, what i am against is people who smoke it and are really fucking annoying and that would include people "celebrating" todays holiday. But this has always fascinated me about pot heads (and drunks for that matter)... it means that so much of your time on drugs is spent talking about the drugs you're using, or how its making you feel, or stories about stupid things you did on drugs before.
"yo, this weed is so dank! i am SO high right now! yo dude last time me and Smokey smoked this fuckin huge blunt and got so blazed we couldnt see straight. So we took out Smokey's car to go get some munchies cause that weed so was dank that we needed come grindage. but like, I was so high that we sat in his drive way for 45 minutes thinking we were moving when we really weren't! hahaha then we just fell asleep for a while. I woke up with Smokey's head on my lap and i was like "dude what the fuck are you gay?" and he was like 'nah dude im so high... just go with it"

well, maybe that last part doesnt happen a lot, and maybe people don't actually use the Pauly Shore-coined term "grindage" like they used to.. (maybe i'll bring that back too)

So I looked 4/20 up on Google and came up with a few things -
for one, there is no real official significance of the number 420, but more fitting to the stereotype it's history dates back to "1971 when Five San Rafael High School students christen the term "4:20," meeting daily at that hour to share a smoke under the school's statue of Louis Pasteur. The original password: "420 Louis."'
High Times goes on to note that Carmen Elektra's birthday is 4/20, so that makes it extra special...
then this is my favorite quote from High Times..

420 is not so much a time or place as it is a state of mind. A stoned state of mind, to be specific.

Perfect. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

***I'd like to dedicate this extra-special holiday to our friend/customer whose alias will be "Shock Rock". This honor is bestowed upon her because she graced me with her presence last night after polishing off a few glasses (or bottles..) of wine then driving to The Wave. While there she proceeded to hit on me in a maybe not so subtle (but very odd and uncomfortable) way by telling me how good i look and how awesome my hair is, then saying that her husband is away on business ALL THE TIME and she gets lonely and she wants me to come over and smoke a bowl with her and listen to The Dead. Then she bent down to pick up her keys and FELL ON HER ASS in the middle of the store. hahaha i had a good laugh. As a good citizen it occured to me to call the cops and alert them that there was a drunk woman on the post road, but I already called them one time when an old man came in heavily medicated on pain killers AND drunk off his elderly ass at 1pm on a tuesday and guess what happened? Oh about an hour later a cop showed up and asked me some info about it then assured me that everything was OK because they called his wife and she confirmed that he is indeed on pain killers, but he's only going down to the dock to work on his boat. No problem at all, right? yea, the cops are really useful in this town.

I'll end this post with a quote about the dangers of smoking weed from Mr. Jellineck on Strangers With Candy:
"All I’m saying is, if you still want to smoke pot, be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends."

-Jordan, i need some serious grindage

Eat Me

One of the other items i purchased at the flea market was (what i hope is) an original pressing of The Beastie Boys: Licensed To Ill, which may not be their finest achievement, but is still an awesome old school rap album and has a bitchin' cover. Part of that bitchin' cover art is one of the COOLEST optical illusions any prankster has ever pulled on the prude American public. Get this: its a picture of a plane, and on the plane you can see what you *think* is a model number of some kind "3MTA3", but if you decided to maybe put that bitch in front of a mirror, you'd see that the "model number is actually EAT ME spelled backwards. BOOYAHKASHA! in your face, everybody! (is what the Beastie's were saying)

But this wonderful album art, and my sudden urge to use the phrase "Eat Me" in a text message to Drew tonight, made me wonder:
Why don't people say Eat Me anymore? It used to be so popular. I want to bring it back, for real. check it! I officially started it today, and will continue to use it. I doubt it will pick up again (mostly because i dont have the same ability to reach hundreds of thousands of hip young people with my message of EAT ME like the Beastie Boys did). But you can all do your part..
Next time your mom is like "will you PLEASE treat your brother with respect!?", you say "EAT ME!" (then punch your brother)
Next time your significant other is all like "hey, i never said i was comfortable with that", you say "EAT ME!"
Next time your boss says "I saw you stealing from the register", you say...

EAT ME!

excellent

maybe those aforementioned situations don't apply to your lives like they do in mine, but im sure you can use the prase accordingly.

-Jordan

Boy, it's a really nice day out. It must suck to be inside all day hearing people tell you how beautiful the weather is

Today is April 19th...
Just for the record: Spring began in March.
So when do you think people are going to stop feeling the need to say "beautiful weather we're having, right?", or "we got us some nice weather today!" or "sure is nice out, wouldn't ya say?" to make conversation? How many days, or weeks into the Spring/Summer is it going to take for people to finally understand that we've enterered into the season of year where we have warm weather most of the time, making it unnecessary to constantly refer to it for the sake of small talk. But the answer, i suppose, is in the question... the need to refer it so they can have small talk to begin with.

Mannnn, it such a nice day! yea, I KNOW! I got to enjoy it for 5 joyful minutes on my way to work, where I spend the rest of the day IN DOORS serving you people. So thank you very much for reminding me of yet another reason why being at work all day isnt as good as NOT being at work all day.


It also makes me wonder why so many people are coming in to rent movies on days with such gorgeous weather... go! live life! explorer nature and be one with the earth. get off your couch. at least i get paid to be in doors watching movies, what's your excuse?

-Jordan, i'm grumpy and procrastinating.

[P.S. by some strange coincidence, right after writing this post about the bizarre behavior that people have of constantly saying unnecessary things just to make converstion, i stumble up this quote from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (that i saw in Larissa's myspace profile...)(Ford Prefect is a character in the book):

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious, as in "It's a nice day", or "You're very tall", or "Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you all right?" At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behavior. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively cynical and decided he quite liked human beings after all, but he always remained desperately worried about the terrible number of things they didn't know about.

there you have it. maybe i'll actually read this book now.]

Librarians Ain’t Shit

A couple of weeks ago I was standing on the train platform and a friend of mine’s father said to me: “You know - someone got murdered in that parking lot.” We were talking about my school, the glassy University of Connecticut (Stamford Campus). This poor woman was walking to her car after purchasing some pumps [Editor’s Note: gross speculation] when someone killed her. She was a size 7 ½. Of course, back then, it was a department store. The place where, God willing, I’ll get my degree, used to be a Bloomingdale’s. “That was pretty much the end of that store.” After the murder, the store folded. Abandoned. It was later purchased by the state and turned into the new site of the university. This is the rich, cultured and detailed history of my school: it used to sell slacks. And it’s parking lot may or may not be haunted by a very literal fashion victim. Just thinking about it, whew…

Today I got an email from someone addressing “Spring Weekend.” “Spring Weekend” happens on the real campus, where there will be a Nas and Fabolous concert, promiscuous sex, and several fires set. We have nothing planned for our spring weekend because we don’t actually have a campus. We have an office building. None of the classrooms have windows. It’s kept impeccably clean (you could do lines off of any surface, including the walls). And an original voice or thought cannot be heard for miles and miles. I always thought of a college or university campus as a place where thought and expression and passion spills over the campus’ very surface. It’s everywhere, all consuming and electric. It makes a light, slight hum. This can be felt in places like Northampton and Boston. To a different degree, it’s all around New York City. But Stamford, Storr’s illegitimate child it felt too sorry for to abort? It’s laughably un-college-like.

Anyway, today I had to go up to said campus (which I normally refer to simply as Bloomy’s) and pick up a book for a class. This book is due tomorrow (lectures about the evils of procrastination and my almost certain downfall can be emailed), but the class isn’t until 6 p.m. That’s a lot of time to cram like (what?) a bat out of hell. So I go to the bookstore and there isn’t a copy of the book! What? This is the school bookstore, where I’m supposed to get books for class. Unfazed (well, maybe a little), I head down to the library. I ask the woman at the front desk, who has a craggy face and is reading the newspaper, for help.

”That’s what we have a card catalogue for,” and points me, somewhere, in the direction of her left. Keep in mind that I haven’t had to do much research in the past two years (and thus have little working understanding of it) and that our library (for a regional campus and former department store) is fucking massive. She delivered the instructions in a cold, calculated, and condescending manner. I was getting lectured on working hard from a woman who, up until fifteen seconds ago, was so busy that she was reading the paper. (A person who, through my exorbitant tuition, is paid by me.)

“You don’t have to be so condescending,” I said. And then I left the library. At the time I felt sorry for her, wondering when the last time a man had his tongue in between her legs was. When was the last time she danced? Does she even know that it’s springtime outside? After sorrow I felt very angry and then desperate for a solution that wouldn’t make me come off like the procrastinating, lazy bastard I am.

Then I called the Fairfield Public Library and this douche bag answered. I asked him if he could check on some titles for me. This is the politeness of retail. Retail karma. “Hello, Mr. Fisherman.” “Um, it’s not Mr. Fisherman,” I said. “But I will only assume that Mr. Fisherman is a man of great importance and wealth, and take that as a complement.” Silence for a second or two. He didn’t find me charming or funny or in the least bit entertaining. “How can I help you?” he finally asked. He didn’t have the book either.

My experiences this afternoon left me with the conclusion that all librarians are miserable fucks and that, quite possibly, the library is somewhere that the gods of employment send you if you’ve been extra bad and show signs of accelerated crankiness. It’s like purgatory, except with more John Grisham books. Next librarian: Kevin Faverau.

Boobs are hot, even if they are on a 9 year old boy.

There is this KID that comes in the store who has the BIGGEST boobs i've ever seen on a male or a female. This kid is like 9 or 10 years old and he's pretty chubby, but he doesnt look like an EXTREMELY obese kid.. but he has absolutely enormous tits! It is both sad and funny. Now, anyone who knows me knows i'm not the most "fit" guy around, and i usually don't make fun of anyone for their weight cause im real sensitive(and I'm not "making fun of this kid now"). But this is out of hand. A KID!
We've all seen "Super Size Me" so we know that America is the fattest country in the world, and the kids are getting fatter and fatter. Go through the school systems and you'll find classrooms after classrooms of ugly, ugly children. (Some of them pretty hefty too.. sorry, random Simpsons reference)But this is just embarassing for everyone. I dont understand how his parents let him go on without being on a strict diet. Instead, they come in two times a week and rent him (literally) 10 video games and let him buy candy. I mean, get a clue. This kid needs actual support. He could be a D-Cup Lingerie model, for crying out loud. But he doesn't wear a bra, i guess that would be weird. He needs the Bro or the Manziere.

All joking aside, this is a seriously sad situation. I would hate to be this kid or his parents. I mean we already know by looking at him and watching him in the store that he is a big wussy nerdo. He's the kind of kid whose ass you would really want to kick for no reason at all (whether he has boobs or not). Now, there are plenty of kids like that who come into the store and I wanna kick all their sorry whining asses, but this kid just makes me sad too so i cant do it. However, I'm sure he isnt spared harse ridicule at school.. oh man i would hate to be him. kids can be vicious.

Anyway, Now that i got a picture phone (Noice!) i'm going to try to take candid pictures of all the funny looking people I see and then post them here for everyone to laugh at.

First on the list is this kid, and second is Joseph, the cute old guy with big puffy cheeks that gave me that Marble Bull statue that i wrote about before (much to all your delight).
Keep checking back.

-Jordan, the merciless photojournalist

Best Headline Ever

Here is one of the best headlines i've ever read:

Car shopper, 81, hits husband, salesman, car, tree, wall


FORT MYERS, Florida (AP) -- An 81-year-old woman preparing to take a test drive at a car dealership hit her husband, a salesman, a car and a tree before running into a wall.


Wow... I'd like to say that could only happen in Florida, but it simply isn't true. Florida may be old person capitol of the world, but there are old people everywhere and they are a menace!
This is a great arguement for why old people shouldn't be allowed on the roads in the first place. this woman was 81 years old and she was just shopping for a new car now... do you really think that's a wise investment, Granny? you've only got a few more years left in you, and where do you need to go anyway?

So here's my list of people to destory so far:
1.Farmers
2.Old People
3.Annoying people before they have kids.

it will keep growing, i assure you.

-jordan, crusader for safety

thank you to Garrett Motha Fucking MEOWe (meow cause he is the cats meow), The Prince Of Darkness for giving me the article.
you can read the full article here:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/04/15/dealership.accident.ap/index.html

Karma Chameleon

I never really believed much in the idea of things coming back to you, also known as karma. But thanks to the Media Wave blog, I certainly do believe in it now.

You see, while I was reading Lyssa's blog, she so infuriated me and my feminist ideals that I felt I had to comment on it. I held myself back from being too mean, but I think the whole "pregnant 14 year old" thing was a bit of a zinger. And that's where I put my bad vibes out.

Then, being able to laugh at myself, and thinking other's might think it funny too, I posted about my experiences in gender confusion. I was very excited to see that four people had commented on my post about it - and hoped that it would be some of my friends telling me that I didn't look like a pretty guy, just a pretty girl. I was right about it being a "friend" who commented, but instead of encouraging words such as "keep your head up young fella", I got three nasty comments from Chris about how I misspelled "southern belle" - even though most people know my spelling and grammar are usually impeccable. Apparently Chris has a bug up his ass and I guess it was his turn to send out bad vibes and my turn to receive them. This is the circle of karma.

So, in conclusion, I think Chris should try and stick with the idea of, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." - seeing as how his comments are usually 10% funny and 90% mean as balls. And while I certainly do hope that karma exists because I plan on it coming to bite a couple of old friends of mine in the ass, I intend to stop sending out bad vibes of my own. . . Unless of course I'm provoked, and then I'll send them all over the Media Wave blog.

Kina

Even children experience awkward silence

Recently I witnessed a simple exchange between 3 young kids that is pretty much the rest of our lives perfectly played out by these youngsters.

Two 12 year olds see another older kid that they know in the store. The other kid recognizes them somehow, from somewhere, but isnt totally sure how. They sort of walk over to each other, meeting half way because both parties aren't sure if they want to go to the other, or if the other is going to come over. So they each move just close enough to eachother to show they want to meet up, but not close enough to express enthusiasm. common small talk is exchanged (by 12 year olds, mind you):

Two Small Kids: Hey, whats up?
Older Kid: oh not much.. you know.. renting a game
Two Small Kids: Yea, same
Older Kid: What's up with you?
TSK: um, nothing much, you know...
OK: yea, i know ..ha ha (awkward laugh to break silence... is not successful)
... (awkward silence, and then I guess the older kid realizes who the others are)
OK: So how's you're sister?
TSK: good, good.
OK: and the family?
TSK: good..
How about you?
OK: good, everyones good
(i doubt the younger kids really even know the older kids family at all)
... (more awkward silence)
All Three at once laugh awkwardly
OK: so yea, well good seeing you i gotta get going
TSK: yea, ok. see ya later


This is how conversations with people of all ages go.. exactly the same. How depressing is that? I would have thought kids would have more imagination and spunk to be able to come up with things to talk about.. not necessarily interesting topics about current events, or have comical stories, but like.. lollipops and pokemon and their fat teacher and getting grounded for killing a toad with a hammer, or whatever little boys do these days. It kind of got me down to realize that even kids can't always overcome social awkwardness or the hell of needless and uncomfortable small talk. I observe the small talk between adult customers all the time (and adult people), and the small talk between myself and old class mates or people whose names i forget at bars, and its no more awkward and no more enjoyable than the conversation these kids shared. So much of conversation is absolutely pointless. Depending on the person this can be sort of comforting and also very aggrivating. My point being that at age 10, those kids have experienced the extent of how interesting conversations between acquaintances get. From that age until the end of their lives, they will run into certian people they dont want to talk to or havent talked to in years and feel obligated to have "small talk" for some reason. It will be awkward and pointless, and it will happen thousands of times everywhere they go, especailly if they live in a town like Fairfield. Maybe you don't consider this a bad thing, but sometimes i tend to look on the cynical side of social things like this.

-Jordan

Have you read anything interesting lately?

I just saw a commercial for the Book Of Mormon... no it isn't a clever new show about a gay guy named Mormon or something, it's the actual book of Morman. I used to see those commercials for the Church Of Latter Day Saints, and i never thought twice about them... but does anyone find it weird that there is a commercial for the Book of Mormon? And it isnt some stupid religious commercial, it was like disguised as a coffee commercial or a feminine hygiene commercial or something...

This mid 20's hip looking woman is sitting in a diner or coffee shop reading a book, and her attractive young friend comes in to meet her. You think they could be talking about new shampoo, the amazing discovery of the 4 blade womens razor, a new diet, maxi pads (you know, all that chick bullshit), or maybe even the coffee they are having. I half expected them to start telling a story like "hey this coffee's rich flavor reminds me of that time in Paris when we had that wonderful french coffee! and that waiter.. mmm what's his name?? .... JEAN-LUC! hahaha *sigh* Folgier's coffee is good!"

But no, the second young and attractive 20-something woman goes
"hey hows that book?",
young woman #1 replies "oh, you know.. the same old thing.... have you read anything interesting lately?"
young woman #2 stops and thinks about whether or not she should say anything, and then goes "yea, *sigh* actually i have. You've read the Bible, right?
young woman #1 of course replies "well, yea"... cause everyone has sat down and read the BIBLE.
then young woman #2 continues, "well, if you liked the Bible, this is a companion to the Bible, It's called:
THE BOOK OF MORMON
and it changed my life"
etc etc

Hey, you like reading right? Do you read authors like..John Grisham? and like most people in america, you've read the whole bible and enjoyed it, right? i thought so! WELL, it you like books like The Client or The Da Vinci Code, you'll love this new best seller called THE BOOK OF MORMON.


i dunno... just seemed pretty odd to me. but i guess the Mormon Church hired some smart advertising guy to advertise for their religion... maybe their numbers are low or something, who knows.

i wonder how much it would cost to make the EXACT same commercial for this blog instead of the Book Of Mormon.... i mean they're pretty much the same thing anyway.

-Jordan, Leader of The Church Of MediaWave.Blogspot.com

[Editor's Note: Everyone knows the TRUE companion to the Bible is "The Da Vinci Code." Right? Right? Okay. I'm an idiot. But Mormons really creep the fuck out of me after reading this book "Under the Banner of Heaven" which I am sure is way more entertaining than the goddamn Book of Mormon, which teaches you how to marry your own daughter and have eighteen wives. Anyway, Mormons are scarier than Frankenstein in my book. - Drew]

Lady Looks Like a Dude

I'll admit it . . . I have been mistaken for a boy a few times in my life. I don't know if its the short hair, the freckles, or the lack of serious guzungus that lead people to believe that I'm a little boy, but it always ruins my day when my sexual identity is questioned. Once, at the gym with my ex, the girl behind the counter gave me a blue locker key (to the men's locker room). I probably would have enjoyed myself much more if I had just accepted the key and followed my male escort upstaires and to the right (instead of to the left), but instead I just pushed it back and said, "I'm going to need a red one of these." Then one night at the movie theatre, Chris the Film Cynic looked down at our row from behind which was Drew, Laura, Me, Lauren, and Jordan and exclaimed, "Oh look! Its boy, girl, boy, girl, boy!" He obviously thought that an adorable little boy was sitting in between Laura and Lauren. But he was wrong. We all burst out laughing even though I was probably crying on the inside. Then there was the time while I was working at my favorite Mexican cocina last summer, wearing an adorable terry-cloth skirt, when a shithead little six year old came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" Ouch, that one hurt. I answered, "I'm a girl." Her mother turned to me and said, "I'm so sorry." She looked at her daughter and said really loudly, "Honey, she's a girl. A very pretty girl. Never ask questions without asking me first." Damn yo.

But Monday was the worst of all the incidents. I went to this plumbing supply store to pick up something for my mom, and as I was waiting for one of the employees to find the valve for what my mother calls "the commode", I made eye contact with another employee. He was a middle aged man with gray hair and gold chains. And I was wearing a grey Texas shirt and hardly any makeup (as I had just been to the gym). As he's walking past me behind the counter, he looks at me in the face and says, "How ya doin' there young fella?"

"Young fella"

I almost started laughing, but seeing as how I'm a southern bell - my manners kicked in and I didn't want to make him feel bad about what a horrible mistake he had made - so I just said "Fine." I took my valve and ran out the door to call Drew and my mom about what had happened.

The moral to this story is; Yes, I look like guy. But a pretty one. Maybe.

Kina

everything i love all in one amazing music video

i urge all of you readers to go to this... it will change your life, and make you love your mother. This is by far the best video I've EVER seen.
I'll let you know one thing: it stars Mr. T. that will make any of you out there thinking 'fuck that video i dont care it probably sucks dong' reconsider..

http://www.ifilm.com/WMPPlaylist.asx?ifilmId=2667017&bandwidth=300


the best part is at the end when the kid gives his mom the snake in the box. that old trick gets em every time! i've actually tried that on my grandma before, and she had a heart attack... it wasnt so funny then.
but T makes it work.

the second best part is the beginning when....
*SPOILERS AHEAD*
it opens with the WORST insult fight ever..
"12.. you couldnt be more than 5!"
oooh..
i hope she dont bring no bodies motha into this... oh shit! she did!
T, you better get on the case with a catchy new song...

Be Somebody!

-Jordan T.

Whitesnake: The greatest band of our (or any) time

So I went to Tower Records the other day and made a feeble attempt to ONLY spend the amount of money left on my gift card (about 20 dollars)... 3 hours later I had a topling pile of CDs in my arms and a long list of CDs to illegally download later...

In the middle of my intense search for new and essential music I found a section of Greatest Hits CD's and 20th Century Masters CD's. Among these CD's are classic artists like Parliament, The O'Jays, Jefferson Airplane, The Who, The Moody Blues, etc..... and Whitesnake?
What the balls is Whitesnake doing with an Essentials/20th Century Masters CD? You may be thinking:
"Hey you jerk, they had that one song that rocks.. every one hit wonder has a greatest hits cd for no reason, that's not new"
But allow me to add this:
This is a 2 DISC Deluxe WHITESNAKE Essentials Collection. If I had seen a single disc Whitesnake Greatest Hits cd I would have laughed to myself, maybe pointed it out to whoever I was shopping with and, like most people treat Whitesnake since the early 90s, thought no more of it... but then I saw the second disc and THEN I read the track list and that is what made this event blog-worthy.

We all know and love Whitesnake for their timeless hit "Here I Go Again." It rocks, and everyone knows it. It's a classic sing along rocker. So of course that song is Track #1. We should also know their only other hit (to my knowledge) is "Is This Love." And that would have made a perfectly good 2 song Greatest Hits CD. But I had NO idea they were such geniuses:

The second track after their hit song is none other than "Slide It In", followed, naturally, by "Spit It Out", complimented by "Slip Of The Tongue", and so on with the SLEAZIEST song titles EVER put on a Greatest Hits CD:
"Slow An' Easy", "Ready An' Willing, "Cheap N Nasty", "You 'N Me", "Come An' Get It","Carry Your Load", "The Deeper The Love" and "Love Hunter".

Whooooaa. Those are some DIRTY song titles. Whitesnake came ready to party. Mothers lock up your hot daughers. Police officers look up Whitesnake - they are up to no good and wants to get Down N Dirty.

Upon further research of the band on I discovered a history of extreme awesomeness. They are obviously the KINGS of 3-word song titles that are short and to the point. They are also the kings of apostrophes and shortening words to make it sound cool. Not to mention masters of album titles and album covers. Their first album is called "Snakebite". Obviously. But you probably wouldn't have thought of it. And it's exactly what you get from a band called Whitesnake.

Their next two albums are equally awesome: "Trouble" (as in "we are..." and "you're in..." and "if you're looking for..., you found it") and "Love Hunter" (as in "love hunter"). How much more badass does a soft-rocking band get?
Those titles really say it all. If you're another hair band, don't fuck with Whitesnake or you'll get a Snake bite, cause they're Trouble. And if you're a hot chick watch out! The guys of Whitesnake are gonna hunt your love. Now check it, this is the album cover for Love Hunter and its probably the best album cover EVER:


best album cover ever

Yea, that's right. That's what that is. Yes, really. A chick - wait, a sexy chick... no wait, a sexy naked chick... no wait, a sexy naked chick with a snake arm band -  riding, or wrestling, or having sex with, a snake - no wait, a serpent... no wait, a huge killer serpent with fangs... no wait, a huge killer serpant with fangs and horns. A SEXY NAKED CHICK RIDING/WRESTLING/HAVING SEX WITH A HUGE KILLER DRAGON-SERPENT!
I know, it's hard to deal with. They are now officially my heroes.


-Jordan

The best webpage EVER

I'm sure you've all thought that by finding www.mediawave.blogspot.com you've already found the best webpage you've ever laid your eyes on. In a way that is true, and in a less accurate way it isn't true... if you know what I mean.
There is another page out there that could give you almost as many hours of hilarious entertainment. That website is:

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

I'm not going to prep you for it or let you know what it is, and when you come back to me confused and unsure about why you are obsessed with it, I won't really know what to tell you. It is something we all have to understand on our own.

Check it out, let me know what you think.

-Jordan (thanks to drew for somehow finding this page)

annoying people should stop having children

Does anyone know the feeling when you've had to put up with the most OBNOXIOUS person on the planet and you haven't seen her in a while, and then the next time you see her you find that she has decided to spawn a child to raise in her own image? It is a pretty horrible feeling, let me tell you. It's like losing your memory for 15 years and developing a relationship with a young woman you think you've just met only to find out after you've fallen hopelessly in love and you've enpregnated her that she is really your long lost daughter! It kind of chills you to the bone and grosses you out.
Well, it happened to me the other day... I don't want to use her full name in case this blog gets really really popular and she sues me for slander or something, but hopefully my co-workers know how to unscramble letters... Rita (Mellir). She is definately one of the all-star annoying people in the store, which in itself holds a record number for the whole of Fairfield County, which is high in the running for most annoying people in the country. She is intolerabley infuriating. She's a big talker and a big time waster and she's really ditsy and self-centered. She isnt a bitch, she just doesn't know that nobody can stand her.
The last thing we need is another woman like that walking around (because it already makes up %87 of the female population here),which is why i was shocked and appalled when i saw her come in the store with a stroller and a small child in said stroller...


Fortunately, I later overheard her saying that she was just babysitting the child. PHEW! what a relief! A huge weight was lifted off. The child will probably still grow up to be annoying and stupid, but at least it wont be Rita Mellir's brand of annoying and stupid.


Here's to government population control and advanced pregnancy screening tests which is surely in the near future and should hopefully start putting an end to annoying people procreating.

-Jordan

Blogger Goes Cross-Country

I'm bbaaaaack! Well, everyone, I'm back from Texas and I tried to get some new Media Wave blog readership down south - but I think we may be a little too weird to translate. I learned that Claire and her friends are very different from us. They actually get dressed up to go out, they actually go out, they're all gorgeous and tan, and they rarely ever talk about "jizz". Although I didn't accomplish everything I said I would - I did manage to do a few things I had been wanting to: went to the Mexican market and bought some kick ass outfits (even though my shoes ended up being two right feet and two different sizes), saw the Riverwalk, ate Mexican food about 9 times, thanks to Claire and her Barbi-clone friends - I may have adopted an eating disorder, went to a Christian fraternity party (seriously), made it about ten times harder for myself not to say "y'all", saw a couple of people I went to school with (and didn't remember them at all), bought some jewelery from some hippies in Austin, and absolutely loved seeing San Antonio and my love, Claire again! So all in all, aside from the blisters I have from walking with two right foot shoes on, I had a great time. We won't mention the fact that I missed my plane in Dallas and started crying in the middle of the airport.

I'm glad to be home though, good old Connecticut where we never get dressed up to do anything, we (for the most part) hate Bush and country music, and our idea of a fun Friday night is Nutmeg Bowling and Cumberland Farms!

Kina

seriously, we are a showcase of depravity. its not just a title.

Ok so there is a new addition to the blog: a mini-poll. I want you all to take it, i will change the question from time to time. Lots of thought went into the first one.
Here's the story: Media Wave really is a showcase of depravity behind the counter. We are all apart of it... some might say drew and jeff are the most vile and disgusting of everyone, but who's to say? A good deal of our time (*while doing work) is spent coming up with utterly bizarre and disgusting things to say to eachother or questions to ask. Theres also a lot of homoerotic wrestling and gestures that hopefully no customers have seen yet (but i'm waiting for the day some nice old woman walks in to see Jeff behind Drew telling him "just take it, just take it"). In case any of you readers are wondering, no none of us are *actually* gay (though some speculate about drew), we are just totally weird... kind of like Stella (some of you know who that is).
Anyway, this first poll is probably the best question any of us have ever asked, and it is asked like 4 times a month. It will tell a lot about a person. Be warned: it is absolutely vulgar. but innocent at the same time...

thing is, i still havent figured out how to properly use this HTML code and i cant seem to get the sidebar working on Internet Explorer so that it shows up at the top where it should, so for now there will be a Poll at the end of every post. Only answer it once please.

Thank you

-Jordan

Dreams are windows to our subconscious

There is a startling development in my dreams lately (well, in the last year) and quite frankly i am starting to worry about it. Too many of my dreams are about work. But they aren't weird dreams like you think dreams are.. they are weird because they are simple, pointless dreams that are usually what could really happen. I used to have this problem where all my dreams were so lifelike and so normal that i would confuse them with memories or something that happend the day before. Like I would dream that my mom wanted me to pick up something from the grocery store, so in reality when i was at the grocery store id call her and ask her to remind me what she wanted and she'd say 'um, i never said i wanted anything'. ok that didnt happen but its the best example i coudl think of to illustrate that. I have a lot of dreams like that about work. The other night I dreamt that Paris Hilton was in a movie called the Final Cut, but that the movie had another title on the box when we imported the advanced copy from Canada.
And thats it.
But then there are other dreams about work that are very bizarre and represent certain feelings i may have... like I had a dream that Drew and I got in a fight with this awful customer named Joy (ironic, right?) but I got so mad at her that I tried to jump over the counter, fists swinging, trying to whoop her sorry annoying ass. But she blamed Drew for the whole thing and because she just had some family member die recently (in the dream), our arguement really upset her. suddenly the video store transformed into a resturant or something with a lot of different dinner tables in it where a lot of people were eating, and we were looking at Joy from our table and i started feeling bad. So then i went over to her table and apologized, but she wouldnt accept it without Drew apologizing first.
Then it turned into a museum or something and the dream changed.

I also had a weird dream where Paul J (owner) and I got in some kind of fight, and we kept challenging eachother until we got in this all out cage-match style fight. We threw eachother all over the store breaking stuff and beating the hell out of eachother.Then Paul went and broke something in the back. Paul, dont read much into this if you are reading this.. the details of why we were fighting were very real in the dream, i just dont remember it. Maybe it was because Paul has literally threatened to leave Drew in a pool of his own blood, and Paul - no one, even Drew's sweet own southern bell mother would blame you if you did. Paul and I don't normally fight, certainly not drawing blood or anything... yet.

I had another dream about this woman named Kim who the employees know all too well. I dont remember what the dream was about, but i sure hope it wasnt sexual (the employees know why that is, too)

My dreams are so weird. Either they are nutty versions of reality, or real versions of reality. I'm not sure which is more confusing. Some of my dreams seem to actually make some sense in the psychological way, but i never spend time analyzing them. but the dreams that are dull and bland and are so easily confused with my reality or my memories are starting to make me think i spend too much time thinking about work. Maybe this blog has something to do with it.

Maybe i'll start a dream blog... or maybe ill just go to sleep

-jordan

new and improved products

What is with these new and improved versions of products that come out from time to time that are the most OBVIOUS improvements on the products you could ever think of.. but apparently no one ever had thought of it before.
for instance:
on tv i saw a commercial for a new razor for women... now with 4 blades! the whole idea of the commercial is that the woman doesnt need a man's razor to get a close shave anymore. Finally, some genius came up with the idea to add another blade to the womans razor just like they did with the mans. WHOA! id like to see that brain storming session. i wonder how many hours it took a room of highly paid idea-men to come up with such a vast and creative improvement. "well yes the man's razor has 4 blades now, but come on... a womans razor with 4 blades? Not in this century! what next, tube technology?"
I remember how fucking long it took Gillete or whatever company makes the MACH razors. When i was in like 4th grade they game out with Mach 2: the first razor with duel action blades to give you the closest shave you can ever experience!
then like 3 years later comes the biggest advancement in razor technology: MACH 3! the power of 3 blades harnessed in just one super-advanced razor. Nothing like this had been attempted yet, and it took scientists who were sequestered for 3 years in a huge lab in the netherlands to finally come up with.
The public thought that was the best, most advanced, closest shave available to the human until the inevitable landing of Alien intelligence in the future and then a number of years later a break through happened... No, aliens did not land on our planet granting us their unfathomable knowledge of razor systems, someone actually thought about putting a 4th blade on the already perfect MACH 3, and we have MACH 4!!! TA DA!
And now FINALLY the women have caught up. Isn't it just like our phallocentric (real word?), female-oppressing, mans world to keep the females down and not give them the ability for the closest shave possible without having to get it from a man. I bet a genius woman came up with this idea.

Also: For years we have been eating canned pineapples. No big deal, who would have thought it would get any better than that? I certainly didnt. Sure, it was inconvenient to have to use a can-opener for it and have that dangerous sharp top hanging around ready to cut someones finger off. and yes it was terribley wasteful to not be able to close the can once it was opened, but thats life right? WRONG. BAM! suddenly we see the brand new version of canned fruit: UNcanned fruit aka Fruit in a plastic bottle with a removable screw-off top. This allows optimal use of the product and total safety with the utmost convenience! WHO FINALLY THOUGHT OF THIS AND WHY DIDNT I?? i could be rich on an idea like that, but NOOO some poindexter in a swivel chair spent an all nighter and came up with a good reason to DOUBLE the price of canned pineapples.


There's a million more examples of this, like when water bottles started coming with those pop tops. But way funnier than that.

keep an eye out for these unbelievable improvements in our society... you'll say to yourself 'DUH, what took them so long' and at the same time wonder why you never thought of it yourself. But you better not actually say 'DUH' because then i'll punch you in the chunch. yea, the ol chunch punch.

Fuck anyone who didnt read this post all the way to its satisfying end.

-Jordan

new alyssa posts... come on, tell us about the sex already!!!

it has been a while since i blogged about our young friend Alyssa... and its because she stopped being interesting and doesnt blog much. With all the drama going on between her and Felicia these days you'd think there'd be a lot more blogging going on between the two.. but nope. Personally, I'm starting to lose interest. But she did post a few new things recently.. not quite as funny or revealing as her original posts, but thats why i am going to do Felicia's blog next... but here are the updates on Lyssa:


So we know from Felicia that Mike had indeed used her for *IT*. whether that means that they actually got down and nasty when they were supposed to be studying Social Studies, who knows... Last time Lyssa said that she started watching this guy PAT that she admits to being in love with now... or something. idk. she needs to know if he likes her before she can know if she really loves him. sort of the same situation one of my friends finds himself in right now. But love always prevails, especailly in Middle School...
we find ourselves now after Kina and Brendan (my brother) making comments to her telling her to wise up and put a boulder over her love cave..
here are the next two follow ups:

Monday, March 28, 2005
~* March 28, 2005 *~
I just read all of my comments and yes i understand you guys but i know whats wrong with me and i am going to deal with it i don't need everyone giving me advice all i need is my friends.... So please don't leave harsh comments to me cuz it is really stupid..... thanks *Lyssa*

posted by Alyssa @ 6:29 AM


Ouch, she's a little testy, huh? She asked for comments on how to help her, and then she says she doesnt need advice cause it's stupid... What gives, Lyssa? Obviously you can't count on ALL your friends since they all ditched you recently, and Felicia is still mad at your sorry ass. The love of your life, Mike, treated you like a piece of ass. You should definately be listening to the wise comments and not go and do something stupid like go clubbing with your young 14 year old slag friends looking for 20 year old puerto rican guys to grind on your underage ass, statutory rape-style. lets see what happens next, shall we?


~*March 29, 2005*~
This friday is going to be so awesome.....My friends and i are going to go to club liquid in Augusta and it is going to be awesome... I wish that me and Felicia could stop fighting its really sucks... But i have gotten over everything that has happened and i know that she is not worth it nemore.... Pat and i are getting closer i wrote hima note the other day and he wrote back we both admited liking each other i am planning on asking him out soon im not sure... But i am going to go ill type on later... Peace Out!!!!!!

posted by Alyssa @ 11:21 AM


OH Geez! She DID go clubbing with her slag friends! we have a club liquid here in CT.. who knew there was more than one? i wonder if there are half-assed foam parties there too.
How cute is this? Her and Pat wrote eachother notes back and forth to see if they liked eachother..
HeRE is a transcript of that note that i found...

** Hey Pat,
This is Brit, Lyssa's friend. So she *MIGHT* really like you or something, she hasnt said anything but i just get the feeling. Do you like her too? I think you guys would make the CUTEST couple! OMG! So, do you like Lyssa or what? check the box:
_ You Like Her

_ You don't like her

_ You're gay, ew

P.S. Isn't this subsitute teacher such a b!tch? She's told me to stop talking like 4 times already, OMG! Byeeee! **

I can't wait to find out what happens with Pat. Hopefully this time she wont be so quick to drop her pants and present, like they call it in nature. We dont need more kids having kids! am i right or am i right? or am i right?

but honestly, i wanna here a detailed description of what happened with Mike and with Felicia... and about the sex. damnit Lyssa you suck.

-Jordan

i hate made for tv biography movies, or any biography movie for that matter.

Aside from the occasional Oliver Stone Biography film (Nixon, Natural Born Killers, Chocolat...) which is just history through his crazy paranoid jump-cutting mind, i HATE movies about someone's true life.
This post was sparked because, like always, I am being forced to watch what is on my moms tv while im in her room on her computer. Right now she is watching this TV Movie about the most important story in entertainment:
Behind Mork & Mindy! (oooh fabulous wonderful)
oops, its really called Mork & Mindy: Behind The Camera.
It should be called Robin Williams is a Crazy Fuck.

The whole movie is about Robin Williams and what a kooky genius he is. Half the time I can't stand him. The other half he is really hairy, so... there's that. I can't stand bio movies that have motives, that are biased in their PRAISE of a certain person. I prefer bios about how bad someone is.. like their downward spiral into killing someone. Like Wonderland. But even then, it can suck. Especially if I just don't care.
This story of Mork and Mindy is not, so far as i can tell, a story that needed to be told. Aside from the actor portraying Robin Williams doing a brilliant impression of him (like, almost exactly perfect its uncanny), what is the point? I feel the same way about RAY, because his life may have been interesting to see on film 15 years ago, but now we've seen it all already and its no cooler or tragic than anyone else. But yes, Jamie Foxx (of Booty Call fame) was excellent at portraying Ray Charles, blah blah blah.
So many people use the old "well, it's based on a true story so its very inspirational and good" excuse for liking a bio pic. I don't buy it. Just because it's a true story doesn't make it interesting. I for one hate being inspired by true stories. I only like getting inspired to write blogs due to annoying customers. I'd rather see a movie about about the robot apocalypse, which is kind of a movie based on what will soon be a true story.


It's just that all these movies only have a certain amount of time to put a persons whole life on film, so they chose certain events or conversations or moments to show you, and therefor they are treated to be so important. You see certain scenes for certain reasons and all of them have some kind of point to prove to you. Seeing Robin Williams do his wacky comedy all the time in front of tv producers is supposed to show you how brilliant he is, and i cant take being force fed an idea. It just pisses me off. I tend to then think less of whoever the movie is about. When i saw (parts of) Man On The Moon i was no longer interested in Andy Kaufman's work. When I saw Ray i started rebelling against the whole country that suddenly thought he was the biggest genius of modern music, and i just dont care.

Anyway, the best scene in this movie so far is this highly dramatic scene when Robin is getting really famous and he is a phone booth just trying to make a payphone call like any normal Joe and someone recognizes him.. and then more people recognize him.. and suddenly and in slow motion, 50 people crowd around the phone booth banging on the glass chanting MORK! MORK! MORK! at him, in slow motion, with extreme close ups of their CRAAAZY faces at weird angles. What a nightmare! It was like one of those "dramatizations" from America's Most Wanted or some show like that. very lame.

wait, now its getting kinda bad ass becasue the movie switched focus from the genius of Robin Williams to the amount of Cocain intake of Robin Williams. Cocaine is sweet. Robin Williams has a mullet... that is sweeet too. There is a guy playing John Belushi who acts like Jack Black and they are all doing a shit load of coke. I hope they end up killing someone..


Ok cool, now my mom changed the channel to Nanny 911. now, this is good TV. and the english accents are hot.


-Jordan

(hopefully none of you reacted to my post like i did to Bio Movies - just not caring. if so, sorry i havent had more interesting posts lately. Go see Sin City, then check back here in a day or so)

Spring Foward apparently affects peoples brain power

there's this annoying guy who comes in like 3 times a week and rents like 27 dvds at a time and claims not to be burning them. He has probably gotten through all of our TV show box sets, and he tries to get us to sit there and polish each of his discs (4 minutes for each disc), which is of course because he wnats them to burn properly. well, we dont usually do that, but he is pretty annoying anyway. and he has this obnoxious kid who he always brings with him who runs around the store knocking things down making weird sounds and running behind the counter.
well anyway, the point of this is not really about this guy, even though its funny to us that he rents literally up to 30 (maybe more) dvds at a time and returns them in two days and expects us to believe he isnt burning it all, and that he has a little brat kid... but the point is that he came in today and we had this cute little exchange:

Annoying Customer:"Hey i dont see (enter stupid movie name here), where is it?"
ME: Yea, you wouldnt find it because it comes out in May"
AC: "I know, so where is it?"
ME: "uh, sir... it isn't May, is it?"
AC: "hmm...
*checks his watch*
you're right, i guess it's not!"
ME: "nope, its April"
AC: "yea, i kinda just skipped April cause I like May better"

i've been trying to decide if this story was even worth telling... who knows. whatevs.

-jordan

A Call to arms: kill the nations farmers

Listen... I'm fucking sick of Day Light Savings BULLSHIT. well, only when we have to lose an hour. Gaining an hour is the tits, but losing it is ass stupid. I was late to work cause of it, and drew was balls late to work cause of it. Sitting at home mindlessly watching tv is harmless at 2 am.... but then all of the sudden it becomes 3 am and i havent even put my jammies on yet, now that becomes a problem.

The farmers are the cause of this, they started this whole thing. The farmers just take and take and take... me me me all up in our faces, and what do we get for our trouble? Nothing. A word to Willie Nelson and Dave Matthews: Stop the FARM AID concerts. They fucked us over.


theres going to be a town meeting on the issue thursday at 10 am at the town green. bring your guns. this is a revolution.

-Col. Jordan, leader of the Rebellion.

Words of Wisdom from the Guy Standing Next to Me at the LCD Soundsystem Show

Last night I didn’t work at Media Wave because I was in the City, catching a kick-ass show by brilliant New York hipsters/record snobs LCD Soundsystem. I expected to get very hot, see some fine looking ladies, and dance a lot, but what I received wasw a whole lot more. Turns out fate flipped me a winning coin by having me stand next to a man who possessed a seemingly unlimited supply of sociological/philosophical enlightenment. He also had an ugly green soccer jacket on.

So I’m standing there, minding my own bee’s-wax, when this guy, obviously very drunk starts talking to me. He starts off his conversation not with “Hi, my name is Gary,” or “What’s up?” Nope. He opened things up with this old chestnut: “Have you ever seen ‘Total Recall?’”

Me: (….) (beat) Uh, yeah.

Him: Look at that stage, fucking futuristic.

I looked down at the stage (we were on the balconey level), which could only be described as baring an uncanny resemblance to Doc Brown’s laboratory in “Back to the Future.” It was all thick wires and clunky looking machinery. Also: huge fucking speakers.

I laughed it off and continued to sway/dance/tap my toes to the warm-up deejay, laughing off my encounter with this frat-boy, which is what you have to do at weird social events like concerts. But, no, he comes back with this gem:

“Looking out at the crowd, I think about how many different types of pussy there are down there.”

Me: (…) (beat) Uh… Yeah, all shapes and sizes, probably.

Which actually got me thinking: he was fucking right. There probably were all different types of pussy down there: shaved clean, wily and overgrown with bush-hair, sporting that little “landing strip” deal, some that are heavy with “lips,” others which are ragged, some smoothly perfect, and then that rare and ghastly sight of insides on the outsides (if you know what I mean). And I’m sorry if this veered to the crude or disgusting, but when someone’s right, well, they’re right.

Other nuggets of pure brilliance were emitted from his lips between sips of his five-dollar beer: “When you look down there you see that most people have dark hair, and that there are very few people who have blond hair.” True, true, but who cares? He then broke down his madness: “I’m not a sociologist or anything, but I like to think about this. I mean, I’m a painter. I paint shit.” Then, like when the colors on stage would change to one color, I’d get a nice little “Green,” “Blue,” “Yellow” in my left ear.

Then he, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend got kicked out for dripping beer on the floor below us. Fuck. And right in the middle of “Losing My Edge.”

Drew.

Cockbuster - a post against the competition. the first Pro-Wave post so far haha

i know i havent posted in a while and for that i am sorry. i dont have time to do some of the posts im working on right now, but here is something for you salivating dogs to suck your teeth into.. ill write a blog by sharing someone elses blog:

I was searching other pathetic loser blogs and found a decently funny site that had this post about Cockbuster in it. I'm afraid to write the word "blockbuster" because i feel like the google ads will tailor themselves to advertise for said buster (the evil competition) on my Media Wave site (best video store ever...). But this girl has a pretty funny account of her experience at Cockbuster



Monday, March 14, 2005
Blockbuster can suuuuck it!
I know there is a lot of weird shit going on with NetFlix lowering their price to 10 bucks or whatever and now Duane Reade rents movies. But the biggest movie-renting-bullshit of all is Blockbuster, and I'm not just talking about their NO MORE LATE FEES lie! Well, that is pretty bad. I mean, we thought it meant there were actually no more late fees. So Danielle and I rented Harold & Kumar (Gab made us!) and of course we kept it more than the allotted time b/c you just can't return a stoner movie on time. So I got a call from an assface at Blockbuster who said my movie was overdue and I said, "What about no more late fees?" and he said thats just for a week and then Blockbuster assumes you want to BUY it! no thanks. I mean, the Neil Patrick Harris cameo is fucking awesome, but I don't really want to own a movie that endorses driving around New Brunswick and Cherry Hill (sorry Rutgers, love ya!). Anyway, so they said they are about to charge me to buy the movie and if not there is still a re-stocking fee to put it back on the shelf or some crap. I don't know, I was still stoned. jokes. So last night Blockbuster did it again. They haven't had RAY in stock since it came out. Not to mention that SAW fills an entire friggin rack, but they only have 2 shelves of RAY. Come on. Finally they had RAY in on VHS (gross) so I got it since neither Dan nor Dan has seen this awesome movie. So Lt. Dan and I go to watch it last night and about 10 mins in to the movie Dan says, "I didn't know that this movie was going to be in black and white." I hadn't even realized that something was wrong, b/c I remembered from the first time I saw it that some scenes are B&W and the rest are color. But Blockbuster gave me a version that is all black and white. A black and white movie on VHS...SCORE! As the movie wore on, a couple flashes of color came through...every once in a while one of the whores Ray was doing would have red lipstick or one of his belt straps for heroin would be blue, but that was actually more annoying than it being all b&w. B/c Ray could actually be a black & white movie and be fine. But then we would miss his flashy red suits! So I am on my way to Blockbuster after work to demand my $4.88 back, and I'm sure I'll be met with some problems, but at least I know I can get SAW if I need it.
-WHITNEY
Posted by: FLOW / 1:24 PM



this illustrates several reasons why Cockbuster is far inferior to The Wave:
They are dirty rotten liars and scammers, they charge you to buy the movie when they claim they dont charge late fees, they touch young children inappropriately, they charge more than us for a rental in the first place, and the only thing they have plenty in stock of is ATTITUDE. Yea, atttitude.. but you cant rent attitude and bring it home to watch, can you?
AND they give shitty VHS copies of movies to nice young women. and she is right, VHS is gross.

anyway, i hope this post didnt suck too much but im kinda busy playing with myself right now so i dont have time to make it any better. just deal, ok?

more posts to come

-jordan