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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Monday, April 11, 2005

Whitesnake: The greatest band of our (or any) time

So I went to Tower Records the other day and made a feeble attempt to ONLY spend the amount of money left on my gift card (about 20 dollars)... 3 hours later I had a topling pile of CDs in my arms and a long list of CDs to illegally download later...

In the middle of my intense search for new and essential music I found a section of Greatest Hits CD's and 20th Century Masters CD's. Among these CD's are classic artists like Parliament, The O'Jays, Jefferson Airplane, The Who, The Moody Blues, etc..... and Whitesnake?
What the balls is Whitesnake doing with an Essentials/20th Century Masters CD? You may be thinking:
"Hey you jerk, they had that one song that rocks.. every one hit wonder has a greatest hits cd for no reason, that's not new"
But allow me to add this:
This is a 2 DISC Deluxe WHITESNAKE Essentials Collection. If I had seen a single disc Whitesnake Greatest Hits cd I would have laughed to myself, maybe pointed it out to whoever I was shopping with and, like most people treat Whitesnake since the early 90s, thought no more of it... but then I saw the second disc and THEN I read the track list and that is what made this event blog-worthy.

We all know and love Whitesnake for their timeless hit "Here I Go Again." It rocks, and everyone knows it. It's a classic sing along rocker. So of course that song is Track #1. We should also know their only other hit (to my knowledge) is "Is This Love." And that would have made a perfectly good 2 song Greatest Hits CD. But I had NO idea they were such geniuses:

The second track after their hit song is none other than "Slide It In", followed, naturally, by "Spit It Out", complimented by "Slip Of The Tongue", and so on with the SLEAZIEST song titles EVER put on a Greatest Hits CD:
"Slow An' Easy", "Ready An' Willing, "Cheap N Nasty", "You 'N Me", "Come An' Get It","Carry Your Load", "The Deeper The Love" and "Love Hunter".

Whooooaa. Those are some DIRTY song titles. Whitesnake came ready to party. Mothers lock up your hot daughers. Police officers look up Whitesnake - they are up to no good and wants to get Down N Dirty.

Upon further research of the band on I discovered a history of extreme awesomeness. They are obviously the KINGS of 3-word song titles that are short and to the point. They are also the kings of apostrophes and shortening words to make it sound cool. Not to mention masters of album titles and album covers. Their first album is called "Snakebite". Obviously. But you probably wouldn't have thought of it. And it's exactly what you get from a band called Whitesnake.

Their next two albums are equally awesome: "Trouble" (as in "we are..." and "you're in..." and "if you're looking for..., you found it") and "Love Hunter" (as in "love hunter"). How much more badass does a soft-rocking band get?
Those titles really say it all. If you're another hair band, don't fuck with Whitesnake or you'll get a Snake bite, cause they're Trouble. And if you're a hot chick watch out! The guys of Whitesnake are gonna hunt your love. Now check it, this is the album cover for Love Hunter and its probably the best album cover EVER:


best album cover ever

Yea, that's right. That's what that is. Yes, really. A chick - wait, a sexy chick... no wait, a sexy naked chick... no wait, a sexy naked chick with a snake arm band -  riding, or wrestling, or having sex with, a snake - no wait, a serpent... no wait, a huge killer serpent with fangs... no wait, a huge killer serpant with fangs and horns. A SEXY NAKED CHICK RIDING/WRESTLING/HAVING SEX WITH A HUGE KILLER DRAGON-SERPENT!
I know, it's hard to deal with. They are now officially my heroes.


-Jordan

1 Comments:

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    I have something that BEATS White Snake....what's that you say? No one can beat that...well get ready.

    Here at my place of employement, Toquet Hall Teen Center, a nice band who wants to play here sent us a CD.
    There name is The Volunteers, and the logo has the V as a woman lying down spreading her legs up in a "v" shape.
    The song list is as follows:
    1.So Deep for So Cheap (but it's spelled 'cheep')
    2. Whore
    3. Lolita
    4. Kill Your Parents
    5. Homos (written about Media Wave)
    6. Tonight, I sleep Alone
    7. Real Man
    8. Gimme Some Money
    9. Bad Love
    10. Tradzodone & Adderall
    11. Real Turned On Girl
    12. Blanket of Drugs

    WHAT

     

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