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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

new and improved products

What is with these new and improved versions of products that come out from time to time that are the most OBVIOUS improvements on the products you could ever think of.. but apparently no one ever had thought of it before.
for instance:
on tv i saw a commercial for a new razor for women... now with 4 blades! the whole idea of the commercial is that the woman doesnt need a man's razor to get a close shave anymore. Finally, some genius came up with the idea to add another blade to the womans razor just like they did with the mans. WHOA! id like to see that brain storming session. i wonder how many hours it took a room of highly paid idea-men to come up with such a vast and creative improvement. "well yes the man's razor has 4 blades now, but come on... a womans razor with 4 blades? Not in this century! what next, tube technology?"
I remember how fucking long it took Gillete or whatever company makes the MACH razors. When i was in like 4th grade they game out with Mach 2: the first razor with duel action blades to give you the closest shave you can ever experience!
then like 3 years later comes the biggest advancement in razor technology: MACH 3! the power of 3 blades harnessed in just one super-advanced razor. Nothing like this had been attempted yet, and it took scientists who were sequestered for 3 years in a huge lab in the netherlands to finally come up with.
The public thought that was the best, most advanced, closest shave available to the human until the inevitable landing of Alien intelligence in the future and then a number of years later a break through happened... No, aliens did not land on our planet granting us their unfathomable knowledge of razor systems, someone actually thought about putting a 4th blade on the already perfect MACH 3, and we have MACH 4!!! TA DA!
And now FINALLY the women have caught up. Isn't it just like our phallocentric (real word?), female-oppressing, mans world to keep the females down and not give them the ability for the closest shave possible without having to get it from a man. I bet a genius woman came up with this idea.

Also: For years we have been eating canned pineapples. No big deal, who would have thought it would get any better than that? I certainly didnt. Sure, it was inconvenient to have to use a can-opener for it and have that dangerous sharp top hanging around ready to cut someones finger off. and yes it was terribley wasteful to not be able to close the can once it was opened, but thats life right? WRONG. BAM! suddenly we see the brand new version of canned fruit: UNcanned fruit aka Fruit in a plastic bottle with a removable screw-off top. This allows optimal use of the product and total safety with the utmost convenience! WHO FINALLY THOUGHT OF THIS AND WHY DIDNT I?? i could be rich on an idea like that, but NOOO some poindexter in a swivel chair spent an all nighter and came up with a good reason to DOUBLE the price of canned pineapples.


There's a million more examples of this, like when water bottles started coming with those pop tops. But way funnier than that.

keep an eye out for these unbelievable improvements in our society... you'll say to yourself 'DUH, what took them so long' and at the same time wonder why you never thought of it yourself. But you better not actually say 'DUH' because then i'll punch you in the chunch. yea, the ol chunch punch.

Fuck anyone who didnt read this post all the way to its satisfying end.

-Jordan

2 Comments:

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    Also, it's like women are forbidden to use the Mach 3/4/Turbo? Do they reach that aisle and through some supernatural force get knocked out of the grocery store. THOU SHALT NOT USE A MAN'S RAZOR! I mean, the technology is there, women just haven't harnessed the power of the sun yet. And when I say harnessed the power of the sun I mean walk one aisle over. They could blame it on their pre-teen son or perhaps their elderly grandmother whose whiskers are coming in. Ewww. Anyway, that's all I had to add.

    Drew.

     
  • At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I personally think that there is going to be a paradyne shift in shaving during this next decade. Companies are coming out with Cryo-ed blades that last longer and new technologies that extend the life of the blades and provide a better shave. These technologies still use the Gillette and Schick high quality blades but a single blade can last 3-4 months.

    I shave my head and blow through the blades (1 blade per week) and I bought a product call Razormax that claims to extend blade life. I found through experience that it does and this has saved me some serious money on blades. I was very sceptical but had a friend that swears by it and got me to try it. Do a search on Razormax or try www.razormax.com and you should be able to find a site that sells it. - Steve Thompson

     

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