Words of Wisdom from the Guy Standing Next to Me at the LCD Soundsystem Show

Last night I didn’t work at Media Wave because I was in the City, catching a kick-ass show by brilliant New York hipsters/record snobs LCD Soundsystem. I expected to get very hot, see some fine looking ladies, and dance a lot, but what I received wasw a whole lot more. Turns out fate flipped me a winning coin by having me stand next to a man who possessed a seemingly unlimited supply of sociological/philosophical enlightenment. He also had an ugly green soccer jacket on.

So I’m standing there, minding my own bee’s-wax, when this guy, obviously very drunk starts talking to me. He starts off his conversation not with “Hi, my name is Gary,” or “What’s up?” Nope. He opened things up with this old chestnut: “Have you ever seen ‘Total Recall?’”

Me: (….) (beat) Uh, yeah.

Him: Look at that stage, fucking futuristic.

I looked down at the stage (we were on the balconey level), which could only be described as baring an uncanny resemblance to Doc Brown’s laboratory in “Back to the Future.” It was all thick wires and clunky looking machinery. Also: huge fucking speakers.

I laughed it off and continued to sway/dance/tap my toes to the warm-up deejay, laughing off my encounter with this frat-boy, which is what you have to do at weird social events like concerts. But, no, he comes back with this gem:

“Looking out at the crowd, I think about how many different types of pussy there are down there.”

Me: (…) (beat) Uh… Yeah, all shapes and sizes, probably.

Which actually got me thinking: he was fucking right. There probably were all different types of pussy down there: shaved clean, wily and overgrown with bush-hair, sporting that little “landing strip” deal, some that are heavy with “lips,” others which are ragged, some smoothly perfect, and then that rare and ghastly sight of insides on the outsides (if you know what I mean). And I’m sorry if this veered to the crude or disgusting, but when someone’s right, well, they’re right.

Other nuggets of pure brilliance were emitted from his lips between sips of his five-dollar beer: “When you look down there you see that most people have dark hair, and that there are very few people who have blond hair.” True, true, but who cares? He then broke down his madness: “I’m not a sociologist or anything, but I like to think about this. I mean, I’m a painter. I paint shit.” Then, like when the colors on stage would change to one color, I’d get a nice little “Green,” “Blue,” “Yellow” in my left ear.

Then he, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend got kicked out for dripping beer on the floor below us. Fuck. And right in the middle of “Losing My Edge.”

Drew.