Pump Up The Volume: Can you handle our truth?

ATTENTION FAITHFUL READERS:
Drew and I (Aka Stevie Reno and Sam Whiskey) have a new radio show on WVOF 88.5 Fairfield (college radio... The MAN can't handle our truth, can you?). It's called "Brookyln We Back".
This week we will be doing our practice shows every day on the WEB STATION only and then the real thing on the FM air time. Right now our web times are all mixed up because of our schedules, but today we will be on somewhere between 12 and 12:30 on the WEB STATION, and it will vary until Tuesday when we start our real show which is on at 12m-2am every tuesday on 88.5 FM.

Puff Daddy says:
Listen Or Die!


-Sam Whiskey (Jordan)

The Letter

For the last year Media Wave has been getting annonymous letters from a strange mystery customer with long lists of DVD's that Ghost Writer feels our store needs. It is written in almost an accusatory attitude, like accusing us of not having them and neglecting to pick them up. The lists seem to be identical each time, but the strange thing about this is that the whole list consists of movies that NO ONE has because they are out of print or were never put on DVD, and DVD's that we already have (some of which are not at all uncommon, like 28 Days Later.) Obviously this Ghost Writer isn't a regular customer.
As strange as all that is, here's the kicker:

The letters are written in a sort of caligropghy or elizabethan style font, and the mysterious author inconsistantly attempts to speak in old english. It isn't always written like that, but even just once is good enough for me.

So this week we got another letter, but this time it had a return address on it:

Buckingham Palace
United Kingdom

and this time it was signed(you guessed it):

Her Majesty, The Queen of England



H O L Y SHIT!

How amazing is that? Contrary to The Queen's claim, this letter actually has a post mark stamp on it from Stamford, CT. ouch. We made an attempt to figure out who it might be, but we decided that it would take too much work and is probably impossible anyway.
I'm guessing they are from a 30-40 something overweight computer systems analyst who is also the webmaster for his Battlestar Gallactica fan site. Showcase Of Depravity's sketch artists came up an image of what he might look like, here:

Her Majesty, The Queen


Oh man, I can't wait til the next letter!

-Jordan

READ THE NEXT LETTERS HERE:
Part II
Part III
Parts IV, V & VI

Random FunnyThings Part 2 (V 2.0 expanded!)

New **I was at the registers helping customers, then I turned my head and saw a little plump black child vigorously humping the video game rack.
Absolutely Bizarre. So little and plump... Sooo funny.... I tried to take a video of it on my trusty camera phone, but like most guys, I guess the kid was finished pretty quickly. He spent the rest of his time at the store dancing around and knocking things off the shelves
_______________________________________________

Drew and I are at the counter helping customers and suddenly we hear the vacuum (which was being stored in the corner of the store temporarily) turn on and a kid scream. Then we see this wee child (about 3 or 4 years old) run crying and frightened from the vacuum. It was hilarious
_______________________________________________
11 year old girl: do you have dvds?
Drew: no, we are a movie store that doesn't have any dvds
11 year old girl: ...... (stares blankly at Drew, not yet able to pick up on sarcasm)
Drew: yes, of course we do. what would you like?
_______________________________________________
A regular customer (and local small business owner) comes in and asks me how i'm doin. I say "oh, you know, pretty good" or something, and he goes "I bet you wish you had the BUZZ i have right now!"
"yea.. uh, sure" i say. Then he asks me for some recommendations and i pick out some drama and he's asks "is this good for when you're drunk? cause i am!" and i look at him for a minute and then say "no, it will probably depress you, better try something like "Spongebob Squarepants The Movie" (since we all know that crazy guys like that film a lot)...
then he proceeds to stand in line with other customers bragging about being "Buzzed"... i was kind of embarrassed for him
_______________________________________________
This old, old woman comes up to me and starts telling me that she has a video at home that is an instructional video for her pace maker (while pointing to her heart) and that it gets all fuzzy and won't play right. I thought that was funny enough, but the best part was that while she was talking to me at length about this pace maker video I noticed that she was wearing these long and heavy earrings that were, for one, hideously ugly, but more importanly they were making her sagging earlobes wiggle and sway baaccck and fooortth constantly while she was talking. I guess the air circulation in the store was making her earrings move in the wind, or maybe she's one of those old folks whose body doesn't stop jiggling... either way, her droopy lobes were mezmerizing me and i stopped paying attention to what she was saying. It was highly amusing. In the end I'm pretty confident that I got more out of getting hypnotized by her earlobes than I would have listening to her pacemaker story.
_________________________________________________
This really annoying middle aged woman walks in and half way through the entrance looks at me and enthusiastically says "Hey!"... not sure if or how I know her (I have an awful memory) I say "Hey!" back. Then she says "How's life in the fast lane??"... what a strange thing to say to me, i thought. What a weirdo. So, confussed, I just play along and say "uh.. good. how are you?" blah blah blah so then she asks me "Have you seen 'Team America' the extended cut? Is it funny?".
"I saw it in theaters.. it's funny but I haven't seen the extended cut" I say, and then she asks "what about the puppet sex? pretty good? Graphic or what? what are the deleted scenes and extended cuts like?"
"Again, I don't know. I mean, i guess there is extended puppet scenes..." i say
"Well..." and then she starts to whisper, "I hear there are some urination scenes. is that true?"
"What?" I ask
"Urination.. you know, peeing. My husband was in the Navy, so he knows it as Golden Showers.. getting peeed on".
And then it hits me! A while ago she had come in and asked me to tell her some good movies for her and her husband to have sex to!!! AHHH!! thats why she's so chummy with me! and she's no at all ashamed.. which is good for her i guess.

My question is why her husband knows what golden showers are because he was in the Navy? what connection is there? hmmm

Then as she was leaving she goes "Hey, not to be nosey or anything... but you aren't going to be working here for the rest of your life, are you?"
Not to be NOSEY? I think you are being quite nosey and rude, actually, you pervo fuck. Then I went outside and slashed her tires.

I guess that's all the random stories I have for now... more to come soon

-Jordan

Classic Films of the Urban Variety... Vol. 1

Every week among our large number of DVDs we get into our growing catalog come low budget, low grade "Urban" genre films. Low budget or not, these movies are great in their own way, and the following box art will show you just how great. Keep in mind these are all actual movies that exist in reality, and that Media Wave has for rental.

First in this feature just HAD to be:


I Accidently Domed Your Son
"It started as an innocent party, but ended as a deadly trip"
we have this filed in Comedy. It's actual genre is unconfirmed.

This is the BEST title for a movie EVER. My favorite part is the license plate that says "KILLA" which would imply that perhaps this "doming" was no "accident."

There is some confusion here, not just on the intentions behind the doming, but also on the interpretation of the verb "dome." I've heard it used to mean either "to perform fellatio" and "to shoot in the head," and I'm pretty sure that the title could go either way and would probably change the movie only slightly. And either way, the question here is, can you ever really dome anyone accidentally?

On IMDB.com, the only summary written for this movie is by Ryan Combs, who I discovered is actually the writer/director and one of the leading actors in the movie. But let us not forget that when Leaves of Grass was published, Walt Whitman too had to write his own favorable reviews on the internet.

"

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume; I accidentally domed your son "

Next Up:


Party Animalz
"sex, booze... and a burro?"
I guess burro means donkey... otherwise a donkey being in a pool would just make absolutely no sense at all!

"They put the 'panic' in 'hispanic!'".
That is what it says on the back of the DVD box. I couldn't think of anything better.
While "Domed" is the best title ever, this is definately the best box art EVER. I mean, look at it. It could have just stayed with using the first picture of a wacky bald fat mexican in the pool with a bunch of big-bottom hunnies and that would have been funny enough. Or they could have just used the picture of the main characters, who are all wildly hilarious in their own urban way, by the pool with a random donkey in the middle (you have to wonder about that.. is the donkey wearing a swimsuit? Does it need floaties?) and that would have been even better!
But no, they went all out, they drove it all the way home by using BOTH pictures on the cover thereby making this movie irresistable to all who lay eyes on its urban-comedy genre glory. Mexican party movie and donkey lovers alike will love this.
This wonderful slice of cinema recieved an humble rating of 2 stars on IMDB, but in the comments section JOE COCAINE has this to say:

THIS MOVIE WAS A FUNNY ONE...IF YOUR LATIN AND WANT TO SEE SOME LATINOS DOING IT ...CHECK THIS ONE OUT.

Need I say more?



Out On Parole
"Prison Was Crazy, But Parole Was A Riot!"
Like all books, everything you need to judge this by is on the cover.
 They run the whole gauntlet of developed characters: We've got the mack daddy pimp with a lot of bling and a 4-finger ring that actually says "Magic" on it (amazing... *hint hint* birthday gift for me, people. The pimp, not the ring. But I'll settle for the ring) and a rainbow colored suit (gaaay?) on one side, and a mack daddy playa in the sporty designer workout suit on the other side.
Behind him is the rough cop ready to blast any sucka's ass, cuz she's one tough biotch.
Behind her is obviously the best character in the movie: the half-naked guy with a big belly and a HUGE afro, who I think is the same actor who played the crack-head in Friday, and presumably a lot of other movies.
On the other side the rest of the looney cast of urban stereotypes, including, "the girl."
Then, the coup de grace, the piece de resistance, the background image: a bunch of pimped-out cadilacs. Whoever designed this cover art should be commended, the composition is brilliant. If the cover is this crazy, imagine how hilarious the movie isn't!


Sweet Potato Pie
"The First Slice Is Always The Sweetest"

Already we see that it also has all the classic urban stereotypes, including "the girl," and "the three guys."

Another cover here with ingenius compositional qualities with the main characters IN a pie itself. Not to mention the "Sweet Pie" herself, holding, with all the subtlety of Larry Flynt, a real sweet potato pie next to her own "sweet POTATO pie" (here we use the word "potato" to mean "vagina").

So the plot is classic but still fresh: 3 guys trying to get laid. Yes, it's been done before, but the question the producers had to ask themselves about this was "but has it been done URBAN-STYLE?" the answer is probably a whole lot, so their answer is Sweet Potato Pie. Correct answer!

There are some good name actors in this gem: Marc 7, Saafir, and of course Mr. Short Khop (a legend in his own way). Also includes Kizzy Amos, Minnie Foxx (porn star?), Grapevine (we heard it through him), and Trina (who you all know from "Trick Daddy: Uncut").


The best thing about these covers is facial expressions, which reveal immediately whether that character will be all like "SAY WHAAT?" or all like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!" or like "EXCUSE ME?". And that's the kind of thing you need to know about a movie before you rent it.

Hope you enjoyed Volume 1 of this ongoing series. The next form of this will be in Classic Films of the Adult Variety, which promises to be quite adult but without much variety.

-Jordan

Kina Gets Pissed Off. Literally.

Okay, so yes - Media Wave has some pretty annoying customers and employees, but what happened to me while working at the restaurant the other day put me into such a foul mood for hours afterward that porno-seeking customers pale in comparison.

What you first have to understand is that I don't like breakfast. Unless its doughnuts, which I'm trying to give up. Therefore, I usually don't eat breakfast which is normally no great problem. But I can't eat my lunch either until there is nobody in the store and after about 3:00. Most days, I'm fine between 10:30 and 3 and can quickly eat something right at 3, but some days people just keep coming in and I have to be pleasant while really wanting to cry/ lock them out/ punch them because I'm so hungry. Last Thursday was one of those kinds of days. I was absolutely starving and couldn't wait until I could eat. In fact, I had already picked out what I was going to eat and was super excited about it. The store had slowed down and my boss gave the word that it was lunch time so I gave mi amigo, Hector my order and decided that to fully enjoy my lunch I first needed to pee. This was my first mistake.

I walked into the bathroom and peered down into the toilet. The seat was absolutely covered with urine as was the bowl which still contained the toilet paper and whatever pee hadn't been sprayed onto the seat. The most disgusting and disturbing thing about this was that a.) We had no children eat at the store that day. So that means that an adult person was the culprit and b.) Whoever did this had not had any water in about three years. This was the darkest pee I had ever seen. It was glowing.

So here I am, staring at this nasty scene and all I can think is, "Please, don't throw up. I'm so hungry. Don't lose your appetite, come on you can do it!" So I mentally cuss out whoever has ruined my lunch and then hunt down the Windex because there was too much of it to just wipe up. Gag. There have been numerous times where I've had to wipe down a toilet seat at home because my brothers are lazy asses who can't shoot straight, but those are my brothers, and for some reason while it's still disgusting it's nothing compared to the disgust I experienced that day cleaning up some strange adult man's urine. I'm a waitress for god's sake, I have to wash my hands every five minutes and here I am bent over this pee like a nurse in an old folk's home.

Luckily I was able to gag down a couple of sopitas after I washed my hands with hot water and half the soap in the store. But for the rest of the day, I was just pissed (no pun intended). I just couldn't imagine that there are nasty people like that out there who think it's part of my job description to clean up after them at the table and then follow them to the bathroom to clean up their neon orange pee. It's still pissing me off right now. I can't think about it anymore but remember everyone - 8 glasses of water a day.

Kina

(St) Angel of Destruction

So, yesterday was just a lovely day. The sun was shining. The returns and customers weren’t too overwhelming. I was listening to the new Spoon record (Austin represent). I was totally at peace, happy and content, until this fucking guy walks in. His name is Stangel, which he always points out to us (no matter how many times we’ve helped him/secretly wished him dead) by saying: “It’s like Saint-Angel.” I looked it up and apparently, Saint Angel was the patron saint of annoying motherfuckers. (The bible is filthy!) I can’t really articulate how fucking obnoxious he is because it’s just intangible for the normal human being. But some examples do come to mind:

1.) He’s a fucking idiot. I think you can tell from talking to someone, for just a few minutes, whether or not they have the intellectual capacity to, say, open up a box of cereal or come up with cold fusion. Stangel is more in the former. The things that come out of his mouth are mind-bogglingly bone-headed. The words kind of thud out of his mouth. It’s painful to listen to, especially when he tries to engage with other customers and I know all they are thinking is “Oh my god get this fucking guy away from me” or maybe “I’d like a light lunch today, perhaps a soup and house salad.” Ugh.

2.) His kid is a fucking nightmare. The second he gets in the store, the kid goes buck-wild, running around without any real supervision. Sometimes the kid will whip by him and Stangel will be like “Whoa there, buddy” or something, instead of saying “Don’t run in here or when we get home I’ll beat you black and blue,” like my dad used to say to me. (Ask me to show you the scars.) Not to mention that the kid yells, cries, and pulls down or rearranges candy, most of the time while running around. (It’s quite the sight.) He, like Flipmode Squad, is dangerous.

3.) He rents 18,000 DVDs at a time and swears that he doesn’t copy them. There’s even a note on his account from Jeff talking about it. One time he was in and we have this huge, Anti-Piracy poster up because Paul is a Republican and thinks the world would be safer if people weren’t downloading “Catwoman” in their dorms. (I don’t agree with copying movies, either, but I don’t see it as one of the world’s social woes and don’t know why we have a huge poster hanging in the store.) Anyway, while he’s in the store I walk by the poster and go: “GEE, I WONDER WHAT THE FINE FOR COPYING MOVIES IS?” and read the phone number aloud. Stangel didn’t get it. See point one. It takes us so fucking long to get his goddamn movies, clean them, blah blah blah. And he copies worthless shit, too. Do you really think it’s worth the trouble to copy three seasons of godforsaken “Everybody Loves Raymond?” Get a life!

[Personal aside: The dog is in my room. Weird.]

Jeff has this amazing knack for coming in exactly fifteen minutes after he leaves. Jeff usually walks in with me wanting to kill myself, having aged ten years in the forty five minutes that Stangel was in the store, prowling for hot new titles worth copying. What a fuck.

Longwindedly,
Drew.

CAT-ITUDE, Not Just In Garfield:The Movie, or The Black Eyed Peas? More Like The Green Eyed Peas!... Who SUCK

I'm sure you've all seen that one commerical on TV with a Black Eyed Peas song in it...
Ok, I'm not sure which of many commercials I'm talking about, but this one has the very wise and ironic phrase in it
"Now you can control The Black Eyed Peas with the push of a button!"
I can't believe it! They finally admitted it! They are controlled by record executives, commercial sponsers and money. Now it's official, and on an annoying commercial too (like we need more of those! thanks a lot peas). When I heard that, I almost couldn't stand it.
Before this, the worst part of their career (besides their new music) was their role in Garfield: The Movie. If you haven't seen it, go rent it RIGHT NOW. It is a pathetic spectacle of unfunny jokes and a ridiculous plot (not unlike this blog). The idea behind this new rockin CGI Garfield is his ATTITUDE, or should I say...

CAT-ITUDE?
An obvious marketing ploy and a really stupid one at that (also used for the aforementioned new and improved Looney Tunes, The Loonatics). This seems to be the exact same reason that we find The Black Eyed Peas where they are today. Fergie = Catitude.
My theory is that it is no coincidence that The Black Eyed Peas were featured as guest stars in Garfield: The Movie. It was way more meta than just trying to sell a new single to young kids, which was of course one of it's main purposes.

Thesis Statement: The Black Eyed Peas are exactly like Garfield The Movie.
Firstly, the reason for both things to be existing is obviously for money. For the BEP's to go from quality and a a good amount of dedicated fans to bullshit radio hits that end up on Now That's What I Call Music Vol. 59 with an assload of fans is not just luck. In the same way, for Garfield the comic strip going from beloved comic to a completely unwatchable script, changes in main characters, and not a single funny joke throughout the movie means that they couldn't have done this movie just for the love of comic. Most importantly, though, is Attitude. I guess BEP's didn't have enough attitude or sex appeal to sell enough albums. So they got Fergie, a hip hopin, street talkin, trucker-hat-to-the-side wearin, tight wife-beater-but-looks-hot-in-a-leather-bra sportin, soul-singin, 'tude bringin chick from the streetz that is going to make sure that every member of the audience gets served!
Attitude? Check. Sex Appeal? Check
(Fergie, this is what she's most comfortable in when composing music)

This change in style and image worked wonders for BEP(as far as record sales and promotions), but wasn't quite so successful for Garfield. But hey, the kids seem to like the film. I've always been plagued with the question, Why is advertising so stupid and so manipulative with stereotypes and ridiculous things they thing will get the youth interested? and then I realized it's because it really works. Then I realized that it works because the people are stupid and like shit. And that's my point.

Since this is completely unrelated to Media Wave and it is not a music site(and this post is already too long for most of you A.D.D. yuppie FUCKS), I'm going to stop my senior thesis/incoherent rant here. But just keep an Eye out for how many times you hear their horrible new songs in stupid new commercials.
And for your viewing pleasure, some photos:

Fergie still BRINGS IT, even when she's inspiring the little people. And by little people i mean midgets.

The Black Eyed Peas, seen here in their original form:

Shut Up, indeed. I couldn't have said it better myself, except of course in the preceding post I just wrote.

-Jordan, blue-eyed pea.

Verizon is the bane of my eXistenZ

So, this may not be Media Wave related material, but I just had a conversation with a Verizon Customer Service Representative that I felt I just had to share:
I was asking her why, if Verizon can track Text Messages to anyone on certain plans, they cant track text message to non-Verizon customers on MY plan....


Customer Service Rep: They are working on it.
Me: Hmm.. right, welll honestly that's what they said last time I called to ask why they had NO concievable way of tracking my text messages at all in any way (making it extremely easy for me to go over my plan and get changed a million dollars), even though they could track phone calls. Now all of the sudden your technicians had a mysterious intellectual break-through and they discovered the way to track Text messages, but now they can't do it for non-verizon text messages on my specific plan? Why do you offer a service with no way of protecting yourself from overage fees??
CSR: Take my word for it, they are way ahead of their time with this technology! They are doing things we didn't even think were possible!
Me: except, of course, being able to track seperate groups of text messages so that i don't get huge overage charges...
CSR: Well, yea... but they are working on it. They can't do it yet...
Me: mmhmm... right, well that doesn't do any one any good now does it?
CSR: They are working on it...
Me: Are they? Because I'd swear that they already have that technology, they just find it easier to charge me when I go over my alotted text messages instead of helping me stay within my plan.
CSR: Sir, that kind of technology can only be harnessed by space aliens right now. If our technicians had the power to track your non-verizon customer text messages, this world as a whole would be free of terrorism, and we'd have already offered the Verizon Hovercraft 4000. You're living in a science fiction novel, sir! It's only 2005, not 2772 (where the new Looney Tunes are!) But, they are working on it...

thank you for nothing, Verizon. I KNOW YOU HAVE THAT DAMN TECHNOLOGY! Let it out of the bag, for God's Sake!
Trying to talk to customer service about ethical issues or the stupidity of their company is like trying to ask my Russian music teacher a question... they have no insightful or helpful answers, they just ignore you and restate their answer in slightly different words because they don't understand you and can't use any other words in english. Only with Verizon sometimes it's with an indian accent (damn outsourcing)
If you want to comment back with your own personal stories about Cell Phone Companies or other Customer Service stories, feel free... I know they get much worse than this.

By the way, that last part of the conversation was only paraphrased...

-Jordan

Mrs. Grabby Hands

I'd like to apologize to all our blog readers for not having posted in quite a while. I won't go into details, as that would embarrass another of the blog writers, but let's just say there was a very funny blog and a lot of smack talking on the side (which few of you actually were witness to since it was edited out very quickly). But the point is that I'm back with a fabulous story about annoying people.

At the Mexican food restaurant where I work, we are in a small shopping center with two other restaurants. The people that run the restaurant next door are really nice and well intentioned. If we need change we go over there, if they need to borrow some onions, they come to us. It's nice. But every time the woman from next door comes over, no matter what she's doing, she walks up to the torridly chip tray and says, "How are your chips today?" Every time she says the same thing. And I always say, "They're good." And she then proceeds to grab chips, with her bare hand out of the tray. You may be saying to yourself, "Chill out Kina, she just wants some chips." But what you don't understand is that aside from people showing you their empty salsa container and nodding at you as to say, "More salsa please, salsa bitch", grabbing chips is the most annoying thing ever. Whenever this happens I have to throw away any chips that she may have touched. A customer I didn't know did this a week ago and I almost punched him in the face. Don't touch my chips with your grimy little hands. If you'd like chips, I'd be more than happy to give them to you. And the fact that the woman next door runs a restaurant and knows how important it is for everything to be clean and yet still infects our chips really pisses me off.

Anyway, that's my annoying story. You may not find it as rude as I do, but I assure you, as a waitress, it is plenty annoying. So remember kids, if you need salsa just say, "Can we have some more salsa?" - I don't read head nods, don't touch my chips, and most importantly don't touch anyone else's bathing suit areas.

Kina

Random Things I Found Funny This Week.... part one

kid lying on floor:

*Picture Not Avaiable.. check back soon, sorry!*

customer: Can I have the first Star Wars?
me: you want it for rental?
customer: Yea, if that's what the first Star Wars is called...
me: No, DO YOU WANT IT FOR RENTAL, as opposed to for sale?
customer: whatever
__________________________
Paul quote:
"we have 1, so add 1 and that leaves us with 2"
__________________________
Paul quote:
said (unknowingly) in front of a customer and child:
"screaming handicapped kids should be put down immediately!"

*Paul Disclaimer* I am simply an observer and recorder, the quotes here are not incriminating or malicious in nature, do not take them the wrong way.
__________________________
the best movie we got in stock last week:
Bad Trip

Coolio stars as Tryonne, Jerome and Cherone.
Now, as devoted Coolio fans, we all know that having Coolio in a movie is enough to make it really awesome, but having him play 3 characters in this Sellars-esque way, well... what more can you want out of a movie? And on top of that it has that huge guy from... all those teen movies, and that other annoying guy from all those..uh.. other teen movies. Maybe they were both in Van Wilder or something, i dont know.
Rent it today!
__________________________

I'm playing the band XTC on the stereo and this woman says "sounds like XTC",
i say "you're exactly right"
her: my husbands favorite singer!
me: oh really? yea he's great
her: kind of a joke really
me: uuhh....

why do people feel the need to ask what music we are playing just so they can then insult it? there must be at least 15 times when a customer has made fun of the music we are listening to, but does it as if we weren't the ones who chose to put it on! we could be singing along to a song and a customer could come up and see us doing that and then ask "hey whats on the stereo", and we'd say "it's XTC" and they'd say "cause it's making me want to kill myself" or "it's really bad, isn't it?".
actual stories like that to follow in their own post...

_________________________________________
"hey look "Space Balls".. hahah, i love that movie, IT'S SO DUMB THAT IT'S FUNNY"
i fucking HATE when people (especially stupid kids)say the words "it's so dumb that it's funny". Is it funny or is it dumb? Spaceballs is funny because its a f-ing funny movie, not because its so dumb you look at it and just have to laugh. It's really that it is smart, and that's why you're laughing. Some people even say that about the Simpsons. I really hate that. It makes no sense. In fact you might say, people who say that are sooo dumb that they're funny! (and that's why i'm writing about it.. cause it's funny) Now that works!



-Jordan, Space saver

Most annoying customer of the day/year/CENTURY!

So we've probably mentioned the #1 most annoying customer of the century on here before, and I have no qualms in calling him by name: Allen Levy. He's either a lawyer or a dentist or something really annoying...
anyway, i'm not going to get into all the stories we have about him, i'm just going to focus on why he got #1 annoying customer of the day award today.

So he's been suprisingly and refreshingly less annoying than he usually is, which is a huge improvement. Then, after using a coupon (he never goes one day without taking advantage of any and all oppertunities to get something for free), he then takes our long strip of coupons (about 1 3rd of a whole piece of notebook paper, to put it in persepctive) and combines it with several other coupons from other stores, and then rips them all up into shreds and leaves it on the counter in a big messy pile in front of me.

"uh, yea, can you throw that out?" he says as i'm staring at him, giving him the "there's no way you don't know that is rude, or maybe you were actually raised by animals" look.

and thats the end of the story. I hate him, he's so nutting annoying!!!! anyone else it would have been slightly less rude, but he also made the pile like, spread out across the counter space, it wasn't even a neat compacted pile. Bastard!

-Jordan

Community College Cafetreria=Circus

the third picture is an example of the kind of people that go to my school. i've seen so many people that look like that or worse. It's classroom after classroom of ugly, ugly students.
I swear, if you want to see a circus of ugly people, go to the cafeteria at my community school. The only drawback is that there are no bears riding bicycles, and a nice plus is that there are no fruity french contortionists.
It's a nice mix of the two groups of people i absolutely can't stand to be around: A. realllly unintelligent black people who wish they were rollin with 50 cent but instead just have his song as their annoying ass ringer, and B. reaaaally nerdy white kids (the kind of nerds are aren't smart at all, just really really lame) who sit in really large groups and play Magic: The Gathering. This group in particular has a strange mix of really young and really old people - but all of them are pretty hard to look at. What i find particularly bizarre is that they are ALWAYS hugging eachother. what's up with that? it's exactly the same way it was in high school... I think the same group just all decided to go to community schooland move their ongoing Magic game to a different cafeteria.
The other day (only the second time i've been in the cafeteria) and i was observing the nerdy lame white kids. They were hugging eachother, but they weren't playing Magic!

"Wow" I thought, "maybe that isn't the only thing they do after all"...
and just as the thought passed through my mind, a Super Nerd comes walking in with (get this... seriously:) a big steal box encased in black leather (thats another thing, a lot of them carry brief cases... at least they did in high school). Then he opens this bad boy up and inside is (guess what) a big, economy size 3-ring binder which held all of his LAMINATED Magic Cards!
So it is all they do after all. Then a game started and things were back to normal in lame nerd world.

*This is

A quick observation that demonstrates my immaturity

Here's a little bit of juvenile humor for our extremely juvenile blog (the members of which happen to love Juvenile, back that ass up)

i was emailing my english teacher to try and weasle my way out of something and i noticed that since her name is Stephane Hart her email was "shart".
if you dont know what that means, either refer to "Along Came Polly" or try figuring it out by mixing two immature potty words and coming up with the meaning yourself because this blog is too distinguished to come out and just say it.
Then i found out that Lauren's teacher's name is Alexander Ball, so his email is "aball"
haha, i dont even have to explain why that is funny.

nice.

-jordan

Jeff is sick, pale and un-pumped

So, Jeff is sick. We're not sure what the deal is, he might be dying. We're not all that interested either way. The point is he hasn't been to work in over a week, and hasn't really contacted anyone about it either. At first we thought maybe he was faking just to get some days off, but as you can see at the end of this conversation, he MUST be seriously sick if this is true:

FlavahFav: what do you have?
Haiji00: mono
FlavahFav: u should have come in today paul was out for a conference
Haiji00: bro its not about that
Haiji00: its about if i can stnad up without falling asleep for 2 hours
FlavahFav: haha I know
FlavahFav: dick
FlavahFav: it was a joke
FlavahFav: :-)
Haiji00: whenever i move around i feel so fuckin dizzy

Haiji00: havnt been gym or tanning for over 2 weeks

hahaha
man, i really didnt think that ANYTHING could get in the way of Jeff going to the gym and going tanning... but now this is proof that he really is sick.

get well soon, little buddy. al green needs ya!

Oh yea, and another funny thing is that he probably got mono by either making out with a slag bitch at his college Spring Weekend, or sharing an unmarked plastic keg cup with said slag bitch. He's out of college and still feels the affects of college partying. Oh man....

-Jordan

Loaded Question

So, I’m pulling a long night at The Wave, and getting a little loopy. But Mort and the Lovely Larissa stopped by, which did indeed help curb my extreme boredom. And while they are here I’m trying to dazzle Brian with my amazing air synth-playing abilities. He was wowed to the point of begging me to join his upcoming synth metal industrial band, soon to conquer the world with their mind bending meld of synth, metal, and industrial. (I’ll be the sole provider of the synth. And the sexy head banging moves. And amazing falsetto vocals.)

Anyway… while there here I get a great phone call.

Me: “Good evening, Media Wave. This is Drew.” (I like to tell people my name because, if they get mad at me, they can pointedly direct their anger. Like, “Listen DREW, I got a big problem…” Then it will go downhill from there. Anyway, that’s not the kind of story I’m telling.)

The Guy on the Phone: “Hello, I was just wondering if you carried homosexual pornography.”

Me: “Uhhhh… no.”

The number on the caller ID said Norwalk, which means he had been calling around, trying to find some good, quality gay porn. I would have offered him some of my own, but I think he might have found it too “extreme.” Oh well. Another disappointed gay porn enthusiast, let down by the fascist regime of Media Wave Video. Fuck. It’s always the little guys (who want to see a guy jerking off into another guy’s mouth) that suffer.

Drew.

My Day So Far

this kid comes up to the counter and right away i think he is funny looking cause he is really scrawny and has kind of a big head, and to make himself look entirely ridiculous he is carrying this HUGE backpack that is probably bigger than him, or at least bigger than his extra large head.

So he comes up to me and goes
"do you give anything free?"

"just smiles" i reply.

he stars at me with a completley vacant look.... he was not into my patented brand of sarcastic humor.

"not even stickers or anything? man that sucks... dammmn..." he complains, and proceeds to hang his head and rest in on the counter, a defeated man. It almost seemed like he was going to bang his head on the counter a few times, but he just rested it softly a few times... meanwhile i'm looking at him like "um... would you like to see a therapist?"


THEN

one of our classic customers who's history includes traveling the world and sleeping with a lot of women (and sharing this info with drew on the train) comes up to the counter, i say "how ya doing?" and he just says
"early to bed, early to rise, and your girl's out sleepin with the other guys. remember that"

i will, i really will.


-jordan

3 funny things I saw today showing how weird people are

**Updated **
Ok ok everyone but me has seen that "organ donor" sticker.. so here's another one i saw recently on a car in my school parking lot (a good source for weird bumper stickers as it is) that said

"ABOLISH SLAVERY! Boycot The Circus!"

i think i may have seen that one before, but it's still as weird as it ever was. So There!

and as for this next bumper sticker, even if it isnt totally random and unseen, it's new to me and i think it's damn weird...


While driving i noticed a car in front of me with a bumper sticker that said
"Don't take your organs to heaven... heaven knows we need them on earth!
-Become an organ donor today"

what a friggin weird bumper sticker to have on your car!! to choose one singular statement for the rest of the world at your rear to read, Become An Organ Donor is the one you want to promote the most? Not Git R Done or Save The Whales or No Fat Chicks or Disco Sucks(Like on my car).... I don't even think i've ever in my 22 years seen or heard of a bumper sticker for organ donors. Have you? I doubt it. It just struck me as the weirdest bumper sticker i've seen in a while....


weird thing numero deuce:
while sitting at the computer in the school computer lab today, i looked over to the computer beside me and saw this middle age black womans book bag that had the words "S.S.P. (heart)'s JESUS" written at least a dozen times around the edge of it in big letters drawn in marker.
So now we know that preteen girls and Baptist Christians share the same hobby. I had no idea! It had actual HEARTS instead of the word "love's". This, to me, is incredible. What makes a grown woman do something like that? I know you love Jesus, i'm sure it's plastered all over the back of your car (just like it is on 15% of the cars in the school parking lot, another phenomoenon i've never understood or been comfortable with), but do you really love Jesus like you loved Jimmy McKracken in the 6th grade? Do you really love him like you loved Michael Jackson when he was black? Do you really need to write "I heart Jesus" all over your school bag???? Good Lord!


-Jordan

Customer with the Longest Hair and Most Criminally Insane Facial Expressions (gets a post almost as long as his hair!)

Among the hordes of BIZARRE customers we get, I recently got a chance to take a picture of one of them with my trusty camera phone and it inspired me to write a post about it.
So one day i notice this guy come in the store, maybe for the first time maybe not, but i figured if he had come in before i definately would have seen him. He looks like a petty criminal or pick-pocket that you know is also a convicted sex offender.

(Maybe this picture doesnt do him justice. As you can see, this guy has an INTENSE mullet that is completely out of control! It isnt one of those southern hick, or trucker, or biker, or wrestling mullets or anything kick ass like that. This is like a careless, strange-hitchhiker-on-a-dark-highway type of mullet. In fact he looks like a nomad cause he carries this bag around with him all the time. Now that i think about it i'm not even totally sure he has a mullet, either way its a huge mass of long hair combed back underneath a hat that matches his personality very well. not to mention he's just a weird lookin dude.....)

So on this particular day my lovely girlfriend Lauren was visiting me and looking around the store and he weasels his way up towards her and starts talking to her, complimenting her and hitting on her. I look over sternly and he kind of backs off... and then he comes up and asks me to recommend to him the sexiest most hard core sex scene in a mainstream movie.
.... I was like "hmm... well, honestly you've probably already seen all the ones i would recommend anyway"
He makes me run through a list anyway, so as a gracious and professional Media Wave employee I do... and of course he's seen them all. Finally I tell him just to save himself some time and rent this dvd called "Hollywood's Hottest" which actually compiles JUST the sex scenes from famous movies so you can see superstars naked... this dvd is surely illegal but somehow made it on the market and we got it before they (i imagine) got their pants sued off.

Unsatisfied, he comes back and asks for more recomendations. So what is my first instinct when i have a really creepy annoying customer looking for sex scenes? I send him over to Drew!
So, to Drew's enormous chagrin, i turn and loudly say "Hey DREW, come here"... and now ever since then he has addressed Drew by name and almost exclusively asks him for help. hahaha

Most of the time he comes in he is either obviously looking at the adult section while trying not to be obvious, or coming up to the side of the counter on a really busy rainy saturday night, ignoring the line and asking us to devote 25 minutes for him to come up with random and obscure erotic suspense recomendations for him( As if coming to the side of the counter, bypassing the long line of impatient customers, releaves him of the need to wait on that line himself. Many customers suffer from this mistake, and we in turn suffer more). And what's worse is that when he does come up to the side of the counter with his freaky, rat-like face sneaking through the spaces between our computers, he suddenly softens his voice when he's asking for sex scenes, and then does this weird thing with his eyes that creep me out. uuuuuuhhh!


The other day (which inspired this long post in the first place) he just comes up to the side and asks me if I like Cheap Trick.... Like most people my age I of course could only say either "No!" or "i've never really gotten a chance to listen to them..." which really means "that song i think they sing sucks and i really doubt i'd ever invest more than a trip to the gas station to hear them on the radio", but there are a lot of people who are really, really into them so maybe they are worth checking out. Anyway, he tells me i should drive 2 1/2 hours down to Pennsylvania to see them play a concert becuase it will "blow my mind". Awesome... maybe i can ride with him?
anyone who wants in, let me know...


-Jordan, finally getting this camera phone thing working for me, not against me

My identity in a cell phone ringer

so my mom just announced to me that her new custom ring tone on her phone for me is "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)"

oh mom, you're so creative.



-jordan, the funky white boy



(for those few readers who dont know me personally, the joke in this is that i am white and have a big afro and listen to funk music and am a pimp. also, that my mom loves her cell phone and her custom ring tones)