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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Random FunnyThings Part 2 (V 2.0 expanded!)

New **I was at the registers helping customers, then I turned my head and saw a little plump black child vigorously humping the video game rack.
Absolutely Bizarre. So little and plump... Sooo funny.... I tried to take a video of it on my trusty camera phone, but like most guys, I guess the kid was finished pretty quickly. He spent the rest of his time at the store dancing around and knocking things off the shelves
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Drew and I are at the counter helping customers and suddenly we hear the vacuum (which was being stored in the corner of the store temporarily) turn on and a kid scream. Then we see this wee child (about 3 or 4 years old) run crying and frightened from the vacuum. It was hilarious
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11 year old girl: do you have dvds?
Drew: no, we are a movie store that doesn't have any dvds
11 year old girl: ...... (stares blankly at Drew, not yet able to pick up on sarcasm)
Drew: yes, of course we do. what would you like?
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A regular customer (and local small business owner) comes in and asks me how i'm doin. I say "oh, you know, pretty good" or something, and he goes "I bet you wish you had the BUZZ i have right now!"
"yea.. uh, sure" i say. Then he asks me for some recommendations and i pick out some drama and he's asks "is this good for when you're drunk? cause i am!" and i look at him for a minute and then say "no, it will probably depress you, better try something like "Spongebob Squarepants The Movie" (since we all know that crazy guys like that film a lot)...
then he proceeds to stand in line with other customers bragging about being "Buzzed"... i was kind of embarrassed for him
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This old, old woman comes up to me and starts telling me that she has a video at home that is an instructional video for her pace maker (while pointing to her heart) and that it gets all fuzzy and won't play right. I thought that was funny enough, but the best part was that while she was talking to me at length about this pace maker video I noticed that she was wearing these long and heavy earrings that were, for one, hideously ugly, but more importanly they were making her sagging earlobes wiggle and sway baaccck and fooortth constantly while she was talking. I guess the air circulation in the store was making her earrings move in the wind, or maybe she's one of those old folks whose body doesn't stop jiggling... either way, her droopy lobes were mezmerizing me and i stopped paying attention to what she was saying. It was highly amusing. In the end I'm pretty confident that I got more out of getting hypnotized by her earlobes than I would have listening to her pacemaker story.
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This really annoying middle aged woman walks in and half way through the entrance looks at me and enthusiastically says "Hey!"... not sure if or how I know her (I have an awful memory) I say "Hey!" back. Then she says "How's life in the fast lane??"... what a strange thing to say to me, i thought. What a weirdo. So, confussed, I just play along and say "uh.. good. how are you?" blah blah blah so then she asks me "Have you seen 'Team America' the extended cut? Is it funny?".
"I saw it in theaters.. it's funny but I haven't seen the extended cut" I say, and then she asks "what about the puppet sex? pretty good? Graphic or what? what are the deleted scenes and extended cuts like?"
"Again, I don't know. I mean, i guess there is extended puppet scenes..." i say
"Well..." and then she starts to whisper, "I hear there are some urination scenes. is that true?"
"What?" I ask
"Urination.. you know, peeing. My husband was in the Navy, so he knows it as Golden Showers.. getting peeed on".
And then it hits me! A while ago she had come in and asked me to tell her some good movies for her and her husband to have sex to!!! AHHH!! thats why she's so chummy with me! and she's no at all ashamed.. which is good for her i guess.

My question is why her husband knows what golden showers are because he was in the Navy? what connection is there? hmmm

Then as she was leaving she goes "Hey, not to be nosey or anything... but you aren't going to be working here for the rest of your life, are you?"
Not to be NOSEY? I think you are being quite nosey and rude, actually, you pervo fuck. Then I went outside and slashed her tires.

I guess that's all the random stories I have for now... more to come soon

-Jordan

5 Comments:

  • At 8:56 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    If you keep getting this kind of material from these customers...maybe it's worth it to stay for the rest of your life.

     
  • At 2:03 AM, Anonymous Film Cynic said…

    you and drew will totally be there for the rest of your lives and sit out front like Bartles and James while Paul haunts you from the grave...

    who will he leave the store to since he has no children?

     
  • At 8:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg. i LOVE movies. i live in darien but movie stores over here are NOTHING (nada...if you speak spanish) compared to what it seems your store...has in store. yeaaaaah. anyways, im about 5'0, with blue hair, so if you see me, recommend me something. i always love suggestions... ;)
    xoxo cyndie

     
  • At 3:47 PM, Blogger Brother Haruspex said…

    wha?

    oh that's not so righteous, elemental decomposition pattern in ceiling level upsilon shaped ovum.

    http://thedripper.blogspot.com

     
  • At 11:17 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    I know just what you mean, haruspsex. My thoughts exactly

    -jordan

     

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