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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

(St) Angel of Destruction

So, yesterday was just a lovely day. The sun was shining. The returns and customers weren’t too overwhelming. I was listening to the new Spoon record (Austin represent). I was totally at peace, happy and content, until this fucking guy walks in. His name is Stangel, which he always points out to us (no matter how many times we’ve helped him/secretly wished him dead) by saying: “It’s like Saint-Angel.” I looked it up and apparently, Saint Angel was the patron saint of annoying motherfuckers. (The bible is filthy!) I can’t really articulate how fucking obnoxious he is because it’s just intangible for the normal human being. But some examples do come to mind:

1.) He’s a fucking idiot. I think you can tell from talking to someone, for just a few minutes, whether or not they have the intellectual capacity to, say, open up a box of cereal or come up with cold fusion. Stangel is more in the former. The things that come out of his mouth are mind-bogglingly bone-headed. The words kind of thud out of his mouth. It’s painful to listen to, especially when he tries to engage with other customers and I know all they are thinking is “Oh my god get this fucking guy away from me” or maybe “I’d like a light lunch today, perhaps a soup and house salad.” Ugh.

2.) His kid is a fucking nightmare. The second he gets in the store, the kid goes buck-wild, running around without any real supervision. Sometimes the kid will whip by him and Stangel will be like “Whoa there, buddy” or something, instead of saying “Don’t run in here or when we get home I’ll beat you black and blue,” like my dad used to say to me. (Ask me to show you the scars.) Not to mention that the kid yells, cries, and pulls down or rearranges candy, most of the time while running around. (It’s quite the sight.) He, like Flipmode Squad, is dangerous.

3.) He rents 18,000 DVDs at a time and swears that he doesn’t copy them. There’s even a note on his account from Jeff talking about it. One time he was in and we have this huge, Anti-Piracy poster up because Paul is a Republican and thinks the world would be safer if people weren’t downloading “Catwoman” in their dorms. (I don’t agree with copying movies, either, but I don’t see it as one of the world’s social woes and don’t know why we have a huge poster hanging in the store.) Anyway, while he’s in the store I walk by the poster and go: “GEE, I WONDER WHAT THE FINE FOR COPYING MOVIES IS?” and read the phone number aloud. Stangel didn’t get it. See point one. It takes us so fucking long to get his goddamn movies, clean them, blah blah blah. And he copies worthless shit, too. Do you really think it’s worth the trouble to copy three seasons of godforsaken “Everybody Loves Raymond?” Get a life!

[Personal aside: The dog is in my room. Weird.]

Jeff has this amazing knack for coming in exactly fifteen minutes after he leaves. Jeff usually walks in with me wanting to kill myself, having aged ten years in the forty five minutes that Stangel was in the store, prowling for hot new titles worth copying. What a fuck.

Longwindedly,
Drew.

1 Comments:

  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    not to mention he has a really annoying voice... and his kid is just as stupid looking as he is. that sucks for that stupid kid. he's probably half retarded anyway.

    -jordan

     

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