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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Monday, May 02, 2005

Customer with the Longest Hair and Most Criminally Insane Facial Expressions (gets a post almost as long as his hair!)

Among the hordes of BIZARRE customers we get, I recently got a chance to take a picture of one of them with my trusty camera phone and it inspired me to write a post about it.
So one day i notice this guy come in the store, maybe for the first time maybe not, but i figured if he had come in before i definately would have seen him. He looks like a petty criminal or pick-pocket that you know is also a convicted sex offender.

(Maybe this picture doesnt do him justice. As you can see, this guy has an INTENSE mullet that is completely out of control! It isnt one of those southern hick, or trucker, or biker, or wrestling mullets or anything kick ass like that. This is like a careless, strange-hitchhiker-on-a-dark-highway type of mullet. In fact he looks like a nomad cause he carries this bag around with him all the time. Now that i think about it i'm not even totally sure he has a mullet, either way its a huge mass of long hair combed back underneath a hat that matches his personality very well. not to mention he's just a weird lookin dude.....)

So on this particular day my lovely girlfriend Lauren was visiting me and looking around the store and he weasels his way up towards her and starts talking to her, complimenting her and hitting on her. I look over sternly and he kind of backs off... and then he comes up and asks me to recommend to him the sexiest most hard core sex scene in a mainstream movie.
.... I was like "hmm... well, honestly you've probably already seen all the ones i would recommend anyway"
He makes me run through a list anyway, so as a gracious and professional Media Wave employee I do... and of course he's seen them all. Finally I tell him just to save himself some time and rent this dvd called "Hollywood's Hottest" which actually compiles JUST the sex scenes from famous movies so you can see superstars naked... this dvd is surely illegal but somehow made it on the market and we got it before they (i imagine) got their pants sued off.

Unsatisfied, he comes back and asks for more recomendations. So what is my first instinct when i have a really creepy annoying customer looking for sex scenes? I send him over to Drew!
So, to Drew's enormous chagrin, i turn and loudly say "Hey DREW, come here"... and now ever since then he has addressed Drew by name and almost exclusively asks him for help. hahaha

Most of the time he comes in he is either obviously looking at the adult section while trying not to be obvious, or coming up to the side of the counter on a really busy rainy saturday night, ignoring the line and asking us to devote 25 minutes for him to come up with random and obscure erotic suspense recomendations for him( As if coming to the side of the counter, bypassing the long line of impatient customers, releaves him of the need to wait on that line himself. Many customers suffer from this mistake, and we in turn suffer more). And what's worse is that when he does come up to the side of the counter with his freaky, rat-like face sneaking through the spaces between our computers, he suddenly softens his voice when he's asking for sex scenes, and then does this weird thing with his eyes that creep me out. uuuuuuhhh!


The other day (which inspired this long post in the first place) he just comes up to the side and asks me if I like Cheap Trick.... Like most people my age I of course could only say either "No!" or "i've never really gotten a chance to listen to them..." which really means "that song i think they sing sucks and i really doubt i'd ever invest more than a trip to the gas station to hear them on the radio", but there are a lot of people who are really, really into them so maybe they are worth checking out. Anyway, he tells me i should drive 2 1/2 hours down to Pennsylvania to see them play a concert becuase it will "blow my mind". Awesome... maybe i can ride with him?
anyone who wants in, let me know...


-Jordan, finally getting this camera phone thing working for me, not against me

4 Comments:

  • At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I know this GUY his name is Jimmy lands and he drives a cab in Westport. His family discovered the secret fomula in lays potatoe chips and were shipped overseas to Russia during the coldwar. They were lost in a suspended animation bunker in the late 1980s and never heard from again.

     
  • At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jordan, Now I would PAY for you to take that drive to Philly for that "mind-blowing" concert and you can also take a video of that ride down and back (if you make it back, ever see that movie Nothing But Trouble? Watch out in NJ!)And we can rent it out under the Something Weird banner.

    Now THAT would be a classic Twilight Zone episode, except that it would happen now, but I'm sure the results would be classic!

    Stay classy Fairfield!

     
  • At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Kina said…

    What the nuts?

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    JORDAN! It's Jane and friend. We were at Border's laughing at this picture of Robert Plant in a magazine and he comes up and starts harassing us. The conversation went as follows;
    creepy man- "what's so funny"
    jane & haley- **long akward silence**
    creepy man- **comes over and looks at magazine over haley's shoulder**
    jane- "robert's hair looks funny"
    creepy man- "it's just movement. ive seen them twice, you know."
    haley- "really? where? what year?"
    creepy man- **answers, i dont remember what he said though**
    jane- "ok haley let's go"
    haley- "ok! bye!"

    it was so scary.

     

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