Long live this

 Just posting something so blogger doesn’t automatically delete this blog 

DVDs of the Week 1

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.



Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as suggestive.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who didn't know what he was getting into, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.


Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.




Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show


I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.



Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.


That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.

Classic Films of the Urban Variety... Vol. 1, Part 1

Every week among our large number of DVDs we get into our growing catalog come low budget, low grade "Urban" genre films. Low budget or not, these movies are great in their own way, and the following box art will show you just how great. Keep in mind these are all actual movies that exist in reality, and that Media Wave has for rental.

To start this off right, I give you...


I Accidently Domed Your Son
"It started as an innocent party, but ended as a deadly trip"
we have this filed in Comedy. It's actual genre is unconfirmed, because parents burying their children is never funny.

My favorite part of the cover is the license plate that says "KILLA," which would imply that perhaps this "doming" was no "accident."

There is some confusion here, not just on the intentions behind the doming, but also on the interpretation of the verb "dome." I've heard it used to mean either "to perform fellatio" and "to shoot in the head," and I'm pretty sure that the title could go either way and would probably change the movie only slightly. And either way, the question here is, can you ever really dome anyone accidentally?

On IMDB.com, the only summary written for this movie is by Ryan Combs, who I discovered is actually the writer/director and one of the leading actors in the movie. But let us not forget that when Leaves of Grass was published, Walt Whitman too had to write his own favorable reviews on the internet.

"

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume; I accidentally domed your son "

And to finish this edition off:

Sweet Potato Pie
"The First Slice Is Always The Sweetest"

Like all books, everything you need to judge this by is on the cover.

Already we see that it has all the classic urban stereotypes, including "the girl," and "the three guys."

Another cover here with ingenius compositional qualities with the main characters IN a pie itself.
 Not to mention the "Sweet Pie" herself, holding, with all the subtlety of Larry Flynt, a real sweet potato pie next to her own "sweet POTATO pie" (here we use the word "potato" to mean "vagina").

So the plot is classic but still fresh: 3 guys trying to get laid. Yes, it's been done before, but the question the producers had to ask themselves about this was "but has it been done URBAN-STYLE?" the answer is probably a whole lot, so their answer is Sweet Potato Pie. Correct answer!

The best thing about these covers is facial expressions, which reveal immediately whether that character will be all like "SAY WHAAT?" or all like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!" or like "EXCUSE ME?". And that's the kind of thing you need to know about a movie before you rent it.

Hope you enjoyed Volume 1 of this ongoing series. The next form of this will be in Classic Films of the Adult Variety, which promises to be quite adult but without much variety.

Drew's Comment of the Day

(Original date: 12/11/05. Why this was drafted and not posted I don't know. I feel like maybe it was and I wanted to add to it but never did. Anyway here it is, another slice of Media Wave life for the 0 readers that remain checking this blog after 3 years of inactivity).


As some of you may know, we have are able to write notes on customers accounts which pop up in small windows, much like pop-up windows, in front of the account alerting the employee to important things about the customer, like whether or not they are hot, how annoying they are, a quick andicdote about a confrontation we got in with him or something stupid they did. It can also be used for business related notes as well.
Most of the comments consist of things like "I'd do her" or "maybe the most annoying person ever" or "if it was between this customer and _____ (enter customer name here), whose butt/tampon/butt tampon would you rather lick?" (those are always from Jeff).
Sometimes I'll go out of my way to brighten everyone's day with some extremely clever wit with a comment like if their name is Flicker I tend to write "Flicker? I hardly know her!"
Funny as that is regularly, it works especially well when the customer's name is something like Creamer and Harder, which are in fact real names. After 4 years I can safely say no one is tired of reading the same joke all the time, and I'm certainly not tired of writing it. Thus, similarly, I still have this blog.

So today I saw a note that Drew wrote on the account of someone named Kobel that stuck me as particularly nerdy and Drewesque:

"Interesting fact, Kobel is also the name of an enemy planet on Battlestar Galactica"

God Crimminy, can you get any more nerdy than that??
Probably.

-Jordan

Showcase of Depravity: A new Micro Web Series on Youtube! we finally made it!

Hey... It's been a while. I hope you're well. No, I guess I didn't realize it was this late, did I wake you? Are you just saying that, or did I really? Cause it sounds like I did. I mean, it is late - I did? Really? Ok, well I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you - I thought you'd be interested... No, I'm not blogging somewhere else, why would you say that? I'm still waiting for US to work... what? I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry.

Anyway, so you remember that blog I wrote with that guy named Drew? About working at Media Wave? The Showcase of Depravity? mediawave.blogspot.com ? Yea, that long winded one. I mean, I thought it was funny, but - OK FINE, you read it regularly, I get it. Whatever. The point IS...

NOW IT'S A MICRO WEB SERIES (did i invent that term?) on YOUTUBE! as in, I have had videos of antics behind the counter at Media Wave that I documented on my cell phone camera sitting on my computer, and finally uploaded them to youtube.
It's organized under Showcase of Depravity heading, as it's own series.
So far there are 6 short episodes. There will be more when I upload them, but I have to let viewer anticipation build, of course.

all 6 are on Youtube, but here are the first 3:
Episode 1: "C.R.E.A.M." jeff schools drew on everything around him, featuring jeff's trademark Party Ghost Yelp






Episode 2: "hit me chump" jeff schools drew on the beat down









Episode 3: "A Lesson Learnt" (this one is clearly the best) jeff schools drew on rape. oooh wha ah ah ah!


here is the link to the playlist where all 6 can be found:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=EBD4B463BB2C48C1
or just at my youtube, www.youtube.com/jordanclifford

ah, this stuff brings me back to the good ol' days, the ones where jeff dry-raped me every day.
they're mostly just 10 second videos of Drew and Jeff fighting, humping each other, or dancing. Sometimes all three. Giving it an potential demographinc of 3 people. It's mhad gey.
They're HORRIBLE quality, as they are taken from a 3 year old camera phone, then made bigger to fit youtube. deal with it.


There are a lot of unfinished Showcase of Depravity posts sitting as drafts here on blogspot, so maybe in the near future I'll work on finishing them and keeping this blog semi-alive.
for those interested in what I'm doing right now, well, I'm in Boston, actually working at an independent video store that is a doppleganger of Media Wave. It's even called Mike's Movies, just like the Mike's Pizza which Media Wave is right next to. is that a stretch of coincidence? I don't know, I don't control fate, it's just true. No, I didn't move to Boston to transfer video stores, I'm also in school still, so for now it's sort of excusable that I still work at a video store. Surprisingly, and disappointingly, there aren't nearly as many funny stories at my new job. There's a whole lot more PORN, and maybe I'll take my sporadic "Porn Title of the Week" text messages to the web, we'll see. Look forward to all that.

-Jordan

Korn singer could've been a legend in death, instead just a whiner in life

original date: 10/15/06

I was reading old music news stories from earlier this summer and I came across the headline “Korn Cancel Tour”, and being the dedicated Korn fan and jet set traveler that I am, I had to read on.

"Korn were forced to kancel the rest of their European tour after singer Jonathan Davis was diagnosed with immune thrombokytopenik purpura, a blood disorder. 'If I kontinued to headbang onstage, I kould have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the stage", writes Davis on the band's web site.'" (Cs replaced with Ks by me, for fun)

Did it ever occur to Jonathan Davis how fucking badass he would be if he died from headbanging? It would be his only chance at becoming a metal legend, nay, a metal god among men, and a really, really awesome one at that. Considering he is on is way, if not deep into obscurity, dying on stage from headbanging would really be the best possible thing that could happen in his career at this point.

I can see the headline now,
"Metal Misspeller Dies From Rocking Too Hard,
North Americans and some Europeans About To Rock Salute Him", (kind of a long one, eh?)

"Metal Band Sue Selves For Knowingly Contributing To Death of Singer With Annoying Moustache" (also long)

"Headbanging Causes Death, Parents Of World Agree: 'We Told You So'"

"Headbanging Causes Headaches, Death"

"Korn Singer First To Die From Rocking, Hopefully Not The Last” (way harsh)

I would hope, however, in the event that this happens, that Korn try to continue their tour with the singer as if nothing happened, a la Weekend At Bernie's.

American Idol Rejects flock to Media Wave

(original date: 12/23/05)

The other day I was confronted with one of those quintessential awkward moments that defines what I think is so funny about serious people, one of those every day Seinfeldesque, if you will, kind of moments of that makes you absolutely question what goes on in someone's head.

I was helping a middle aged woman and her son who was picking out video games to rent. I wasn't paying much attention to her; she probably wanted my shit or something because she hung around my register for a good amount of time while her son was searching for just the right video game that would allow him to experience sex and violence all in one , a quest that took about as much as was necessary for his mom to annoy me to my very core, right down to the back of my balllls.

As she's standing there, awkwardly occupying the space in front of me for no reason, she starts to sing. And I do mean that exactly. Not hum, not whistle, not mumble a few lines of a song she heard on the radio, but SING...
Now, what is so universal about this behavior is that she is one of those people who has a semi-decent voice but is excessively confident about her vocal talents. Because she can barely carry a note to untrained ears, she honestly thinks she is treating all around her to her musical gift. We all know people like this who put in that extra effort to blatantly making their voice the center of whatever environment they're in, to make their voice sound gooder than the average singing-in-the-shower voice when singing a little random song that's rattling around their brain, thereby making the song sound FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

To people with good voices, or even semi-good voices: No one but you is comfortable with you making a scene of your own voice, especially in completely random times and places, completely out of nowhere, while pretending not to notice that you're trying to belt out a mini opera while people are shopping or simply minding their own. Stand outside your own head for a minute, and you won't like what you hear.

Stupidity begets irritability

(original date: 3/25/06)

Here are some stupid questions I just don't understand someone asking, and the responses I'd like to give:
(almost every phone call is exactly like this, no exaggeration)

Caller: Yea...
Me: You start a phone call with 'yea'?
Caller: ... I was wondering if I could ask you a question?
Me: .... yea, yes, of course, why else would you call? go ahead, you're already wasting my time.
Caller: Ok can you check if you have a movie?
Me: .... No, actually we have no way to tell which movies we have. It's based on random luck. No, I'm kidding, of course. Fuck you. Obviously I can check if I have a movie, which movie??
Caller: Ok, it's a really old movie, you probably don't have it
Me: It's weird how you knew we didn't have it but called anyway. You're right, though. After all, why would a movie rental store have old movies?
Caller: It's really old, you've probably never heard it.
Me: You're right again. Also, I can't spell, so it'll be hard trying to look it up on this thing they call a com-pu-ter?
Caller: It's called Con Air? Do you have it? You probably don't.
Me: You're probably right, so I don't have to look it up. Excellent. Thanks for calling?

My dad is inappropriate

(original date: 3/2/06)

"Here comes your mother, put your pants back on"

I would say that this must seem hilarious when taken out of context, but there was no real context in the first place. I was sitting here with my pants on, it's just as random and out of context to me as it is to you.

The mysteries of my father probably won't be unraveled until after his death when we discover some secret hidden boxes of letters and journals in the attic... But then again, I'm sure such a thing would probably only serve to confuse us further. And we don't have an attic, so that would be even more confusing. Meta.

He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons

(original date: 2/19/06. may have been a post on What The Balls, but i can't remember)

This week I have 2 great pictures that go together in a piece I like to call "He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons"

I'll start with the first picture because I have no personal connection to it, other than personal admiration.

This is guy is an absolute genius. Look at that smirk spread across his face. I have no idea what the pass hanging around his neck is for, but it seems like it could be anything, from an Sailor Moon convention to an Anime porn convention, or anything in between.
You really can't walk out of the house into a public place wearing a shirt like that and not know you're going to be the subject of a few photographs. You've gotta be in a certain frame of mind to pull this off, and I don't think this guy has any other frames of mind outside of this one. God bless him.

I have to give credit to Mike (of Freezer Burn infamy) for giving me this random picture today, thus gelling this post together.

Now the complimentary picture to the first one, with a personal backstory:

This is Felicia, she's a 15 year old girl that I stalk online. Well, that's the long story short. The long story long is the title of a porn I plan to make. Either way, at least makers of clever slogan T-shirts are concerned with gender equality, in some way, I guess.

Super Super Bowl Post - Hero of the Year: Ric Seaberg, from What The Balls

(Original date: 2/7/06. Definitely posted on What The Balls, but it deserves another skimming. In fact, it inspired a new correspondence/friendship with the wife of the following person...)

Well, there weren't any nipples exposed at this year's Superbowl, so I made an effort to expose both of mine during the halftime show. It didn't quite upset the country like Janet's iron-clad protuberance, but maybe that's because it was in the privacy of my own home... although my dad was reasonably disturbed, so at least I got through to someone.

When trying to find an appropriate picture for the brilliant "Superbowl XL" piece that you just read, I ended up stumbling upon more than just an amazing superbowl picture, I found this weeks Random Picture of the Week as well... Or did the picture find me?
As you will see, there is so much more to this weeks picture than usual.

Here's the superbowl picture:

and now from the very same personal webpage, The Random Picture of the Week:

There's more to this picture than you think.
First of all, forget the fact that you're looking at 2 pirates, one being in a wheelchair - the modern answer to the peg-legged pirate - awkwardly posed in front of the superbowl. Notice that each pirate hat has a different flamboyantly colored feather sticking out of it. They've got kind of a Star Wars/colored dueling light saber colors thing going on. Now, I've never known pirates to wear colored feathers out of their hats, but then again I've never known any pirates... unless you count those koreans that hijacked my ship in international waters, but I wouldn't say I really knew them.


Second, notice the dog calendar hanging on the door in the back. Classic pirate choice. Other typical content of pirate calendars: Wenches & Maids, Various Ports, Justin Timberlake. You might wonder what pirates need calendars for, but it's obviously so they can make down their birthdays.

Most importantly, the guy in the picture. No, not the guy in the wheelchair. Get over it. The other guy.

This guy:

His name is Ric Seaberg. From his website bio:
A well known Portland daily newspaper columnist once described Ric Seaberg this way: "In a kinder and gentler world, he would have been a rock star."
Too bad we live in an unkind world, Seaberg. Apparently he was in some band in the 70's and now puts out his own independently distributed solo albums that are reminiscent not of Jimmy Buffet but of the Jimmy Buffett parody Coconut Pete from "Club Dread".
Also from his website bio:

There are few who can match his wordsmithing talents (for example, he once rhymed maharaj with garage in a song), his lyrics are distinctive and memorable. Ric's songs "Didn't Say I Love You Right" and "We Talk About Cars" both appear on NPR's "Car Talk" compilation cds, available at www.cartalk.com...

As far as I can tell, this guy is awesome. He isn't just awesome because he writes song lyrics like this:

"I took my wife's dry cleaning to the Goodwill store
What a nice donation...there was jubilation
When the cashmere sweaters that my wife adores
Hit the sweater hangers of the Goodwill store

There they were in the hallway....bagged up for the trip
Twelve sweaters and dresses...Shoes bras and a slip
"Take this one to "Dress For Success"....go by there first!
Take the rest to charity...but not this one...
Which belongs to me!.....

(Solo
Bridge)
I know that people make mistakes...everybody does
But this might call for suicide...cuz when I saw those tears she cried
I fought back the tears myself......actin' mighty tough
But she said she felt fine enough...
Since I could buy her all new stuff!"

Uh... yea. Anyway, the other reason he rules is that he seems to have a handi-capable sidekick in a wheelchair.

Check out that genius train conductor. He's wearing shorts for crying out loud, have you ever seen that before? AND a big red hat. AND he willingly posed for this picture, which occured to someone as being a picture perfect moment.
Not to mention for some reason pictures of people enjoying, really enjoying the ride on the wheelchair platform makes me laugh. It's like a picture from an amusement park, or at the very least a county fair. You know it made you laugh too.

For that, and reasons made clear in the following pictures, he is awesome:

This is Ric in his prime, sporting the rarely attempted braided mullet. I would've like to have known him then, damn. Anyone who can get that done to their hair and then put a picture of himself with it online is a man worth knowing.

He's like a candle in the wind. He's also like a white guy with a braided mullet. Either way, it's beautiful.

Ever better than that, apparently this is where he lives:

With all the conveniences of modern day nomadic life and all the charm of the deep south. It is humble, but you'd be surprised how spacious it is inside (in fact there are pictures of the whole interior on his website). I hear he's waiting on the zoning commissioner to approve installing a mobile pool in the back yard. It will make the property value sky rocket.

And a taste of his recording legacy:

This is one of his many professionally made album covers. Don't ask, because I have no fucking idea. "There Goes Rhymin' Pie Man" tells us a lot, though. For one thing, he has no time for the letter G. That's generally a good sign in song writers and pie men. A combination of the two is rarely seen. It also has a hometown feel to it, as if the title is a quote from the neighborhood kids who see him as they're playing stick ball and trading baseball cards or drugs or whatever kids do these days, as Rhymin' Pie Man walks by, presumably towards his Pie Shoppe (as it would be spelled), presumably rhymin' whilst walkin' (or skippin', as the situation sees fit). God I want to live in that made up world I just made up.

Check out his website www.ricseaberg.com for more amazing pictures and weirdness.

So there you have it folks, 3 posts in 1! - it began as one sentence and just wouldn't let me stop until Ric Seaberg was given proper justice.

********************************************

For those interested, here is the lovely comment that Mrs. Seaberg posted on What The Balls.

Greetings Mr. What the Balls, thank you for giving me such pleasure today. You had me laughing til tears were running down my knees... Your blog entry about my dearly beloved is very witty and greatly appreciated here... we both laughed our asses off. I'm just so disappointed to learn you live in Conn., that's so far away. I wanted to invite you to dinner. And we would let you take a ride on the wheelchair lift too!!!!

So we would love to meet you someday, maybe you'll make it to Portland. Look us up! Or maybe we'll pull our airstream up to your curb one day and let you come inside and take a look see.

The world is a better place because your blog is in it... but I guess you knew that already.
Take care,
The wife

Spring Breaaaak!

I am back for spring break (SPRING BREEEEAAAK!!!!!!) and to celebrate my break from the arduous routine of drinking and casual sex as a college underclassman, I opted not to deal with the frustration of excessive drinking and reckless casual sex in Cancun but instead to return to my single favorite activity to spend my free time on: working at a video store!

So here are a couple classic moments that happened while on the job today


Female Customer: I don't suppose you have any recommendations for me this week?
Drew: When I start menstruating I'll be in the mind frame to recommend movies you'd like

Old Woman: Can you explain to me why there are so many versions of this movie?
Me: Well, these are all the same movie with multiple copies so that more than one copy can be rented out at a time, and that one is a completely different movie
Old Woman: Ah...


I'm only working 1 more day, but hopefully there will be more great things to report

Happy Vagina Day from "Hey, I'm a dog"

"Hey,I'm a dog!" holiday cardz official website, bitch

Anna Nicole - An enigma in life, a legend in death

Anna Nicole Smith, well-known health guru, feminist spokesperson, noted voluptuary and star of "Naked Gun: 33 1/3", was pronounced dead today, her body having finally caught up with her brain. Ironically, she died at the young age of 39, far too young to have collected and enjoyed the inherited fortune she spent the better part of her life seeking, targeting, having sex for, and battling legally over.
You may judge her, but I ask you: is a life of working hard in a corporate office for a fortune really any different, physically, mentally, or philosophically, than having sex with an 89-year-old man, even just once? They're equally as degrading, and an affair with an old man probably involves changing more diapers.

It is not my intention to mock and shame a human being so soon after she died, so I will let her body of work (pun!!!!!) speak for itself.

Anna Nicole, truly I wish it was your manager and not you, and if you remember The Anna Nicole Smith show like I do, you remember that her manager/best friend/secret admirerer would have easily layed his life down if he could, as he did his dignity on national television. He was the real life Smithers to her Mr. Burns (who, incidentally, she was actually married to for a time).
If the saying "it's better to burn out than to fade away" is true, it definitely applies here, but I don't think it was meant quite as literally.
Let her death not be in vain - boycott TrimSpa! It promises to make you thin, but what they don't tell you is that you won't just be as trim as a skeleton, you'll actually be one! Ahh! (Too soon)
In life she was an enigma, in death she is a legend...
Now she can finally be reunited in heaven with her one and only love, who has actually been in heaven longer than she's been fat, which is a long fucking time. Ouch.
RIP
(P.S. I'm sorry, Anna's ghost. I didn't mean any of it)
Also, here are some titles for the forthcoming Anna Nicole Smith biography that I came up with:
Shameless Plug: The Life and Times of Anna Nicole Smith (Double Meaning)
A Pig With Wings: How Anna Nicole Captured The Hearts and Minds of America
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, There Are So Many Other Reasons: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Anna Nicole Smith
A Voluptuary and the Oil Tycoon: The Classic American Love Story (I just really like the word "voluptuary")
Beauty and the Beast: The story of J. Howard Marshall II and Anna Nicole, Respectively
Like My Body? Want Some Money? And Other Things On Anna Nicole Smith's Gravestone
Beautiful Enigma: The Inspirational Life of Anna Nicole, Retarded Model
*keep checking back, I might come up with more

1/31 - NEVER FORGET

This post may be, as they say, "too soon", but I have to share with you the disturbing events of a day that will now live in comic infamy, Janurary 31, 2007.

As many of you may know, yesterday Boston finally (almost) experienced their own 9/11. I know that's a bold statement, so allow me to explain.

In the morning a phone call was made, presumably by a semi-retarded individual, alerting the officials of certain suspicious "boxes" and unidentified "packages" (sexual...) made up of complex, possibly Middle Eastern-style circuitry with blinking lights forming an undiscernable symbol were placed in strategic places all over the city and thought to be bombs. Well populated areas like subways, malls, popular stores, bridges, etc were targets of this massive terrorist plot.

The city of Boston, wasting no time and sparing no expense or - what's the word? - thoughts, SHUT DOWN nearly the entire city transportation - subways and highways were closed, and even schools were shut down; called in all its law enforcements and emergency departments - including help from the FBI, and possibly the coast guard, local college campus security personnel, the LifeCall Alert emergency service, D.A.R.E., the off-duty life guards, the Shriners, retired war veterans, and people eager to make citizens arrests.

It turned out that was looked like a harmless glowing sign was actually.... a harmless glowing sign! Eventually it was revealed to the bumbling masses of trained emergency workers from city to federal levels that these complex terrorist bombs were nothing more than simple battery-powered light up billboards (or "terror boards"), and the meticulously planned plot to blow up the entire city of Boston was nothing more than an "advertising campaign" (of destruction) for a crazy cartoon show called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force"(whatever that means!), or "Aqua Teen Terror Force" as it will henceforth be known.

That's right, you read that correctly. Boston shut itself down over a terrorist scare that was simply based on blinking lights, blinking lights that could have been identified as cartoon characters from anyone ages 9-45. These "bombs" were basically light boxes in the shape of "Mooninites" from the TV show, seen below.

This cute little guy, clearly a character of some sort, and not, as it was originally believed, a letter in Arabic language, caused Boston to shut down for an ENTIRE FUCKING DAY.

If you don't believe me - and you shouldn't because it's totally fucking insane -here is a picture of a police man, or a bomb squad officer, or maybe campus security, removing one of these potentially dangerous, definitely adorible "bombs".

Is this not the silliest thing you've ever seen?

The police were quoted as saying "Whoever did this — whether it be kids or adults — if they think it's funny, I think they'll soon learn it's not that much of a humorous situation."
Well put. Clearly this person has a great sense of humor, but oh, how very wrong they are. This rivals the McDonald's impersonator scam as the funniest thing to happen... ever. But wait, there's more...

The best part is that this ad campaign had been in place for TWO to THREE WEEKS before anyone noticed it in Boston, AND NINE other cities! New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Yet not even New York, a city that was actually attacked by terrorists and is constantly on high alert reacted, and somehow Boston was the only one that even acknowledged these 2D cartoon characters in any way, let alone put the city on lockdown. This suggests the terrorists are trickier than we thought.

The police justified their outrageous misreading and irresponsible (and costly) overreaction to blinking lights in context of the "post-9/11 world", saying that they have to "treat it like what it is". Other police policies include "I think, therefore I am" and "where ever you go, there you are".

The confusion is reasonable, though. These "Mooninites" could easily be a confused with a mystical sect of Islam, and the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" sounds very much like a possible name for a radical socialist religious communist terrorism extremist group. In fact, there is still no definite proof that it is not.

It was reported that Boston officials had to finally "accept the fact" that it was an ad campaign and not a terrorist attack, meaning that they had already followed several leads and had to settle on the grim, disappointing reality. This was a difficult thing for them to do considering that they were counting on this to finally gain Boston the status as "New York #2", or "Lil' NYC". This was going to be their 9/11! A terrorist attack may be terrible, but let's just say you really feel important as a city if someone cares enough to bomb you. Next time, guys.

The Governor claimed that the city acted vigilantely, and taking a cue from him I went out with several vigilante groups to take brutal action against all possible Mooninites, terrorist or otherwise, and any other kind of alien we could find, including human immigrants, just to be on the safe side. Right or wrong, there have been no more bomb scares since then, so I think we're doing a pretty good job.

In addition to my violent actions, I've also started a watch group: CCACTUS - Concerned Citizens Against Cartoon Terrorism in the United States. So far we've been very effective in stopping this massive problem, and hopefully our petitioning and lobbying will change the agenda of the current administration to focus on this growing threat to our freedom.

Of course, this reminds us of the horrible "Lite Brite" scare of the 1980's during which demonic "lights on a board" (quite similar to those used in this "ad campaign", perhaps by the same terrorists) mesmerized and brainwashed the nation's children. It tore this country apart, just as these "harmless" "cartoons" are doing now.

The worst part of this whole insanity is that people actually got arrested for their marketing efforts. THEY ACTUALLY ARRESTED PEOPLE FOR THIS! The police claimed they wanted to put them in jail because surely "prosecution will have a deterant effect". Yes, because putting marketing people in jail for "hoax bombs" which were neither "hoax" nor "bombs" and had no intention of being either, will absolutely put a stop to any future bombing attemtps and/or creative marketing campaigns.

The important thing is that we are all safe and that no one was killed - that is, except for those in need of emergency assistance or law protection that were denied it while everyone was staring at blinking light boxes.

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!

Other threats to look out for:

1.Cross walks

2. Idiots

Most importantly, I'm a star! I recently became involved, both professionally and sexually, with a "comedy" "troupe" at Emerson who are in turn involved a comedy show called ZEBRO. They make videos and do sketches. As a comedy troupe in Boston sitting through the most outrageously comical thing to ever happen in Boston (other than the Tea Party and the Red Sox), it was decided that it was our duty to respond with an angry, immature, foul-mouthed video, and I'm in it to some degree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G-D0F4Q9yk

We worked for 4 hours compiling jokes, extended clips of the most ridiculous news footage (all of them taking this so completely seriously), wild rants and nudity, and it was boiled down to a tightly loose 4 minutes, mostly composed of news clips. Many, many jokes were cut out for the sake of time, or because they weren't funny, and what's left is a lot of yelling, which what anyone wants in a video.

I'll say in my defense that the camera adds 35 pounds, as opposed to the standard 10 that people think (it changes for different people, depending on the level of their self-delusion).

1/31 - NEVER FORGET!

The Long, Hard, Deep Goodbye

Dear loyal readers, disloyal readers, customers who unknowingly stumbled upon this blog looking for internet coupons (and/or porn) and became instant fans, and customers who came upon this incendiary website looking for contact information of the owner in order to write annoying complaint letters about the employees only to find blog posts seemingly written about them,

It is the end of an era. The three most important men in the world - James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein - have all died recently, and as they are each my contemporaries and my idols (in their own unique ways), I too will be making a passage onto a better place. You could say that like Saddam, and perhaps even James Brown, where I am going will likely be filled with at least 72 virgins. At least in the freshman class, anyway. That's right - I'm going to college.

I planned out the last 5 years of my life perfectly: After high school, work at the same job long enough to kill my spirit, and then, after saving just enough money to not be able to afford anything, and at the height of my popularity in Fairfield (socially, politically and sexually), uproot myself and move to a new, far more expensive city to be old enough as an undergraduate student for some of my female classmates to actually exclaim "gross! That's like, statutory rape or something. Look at his beard... Is he a professor?". I guess statutory is better than date rape, which they will surely be willingly engage in later that night, as will I.

My reign of terror and unwelcome sexual advances at The Wave is over... at least until I finally realize what a scam college is and come back to earn some extra money for my newly developed drug habit. Working for "The Man" again will surely be against my newly developed anti-establishment, socialist economic and political views, but it can't hurt my newly developed credit card debt. What I'm saying, basically, is that college is about positive new developments.

This is just a preliminary message to let everyone know what I'm doing and why I haven't posted much in a while. Hopefully while I'm not using all my creative (and sexual) juices at the wave, I can focus them on posting more instead of working, and instead of doing school work.For the record, and so you don't have to keep asking, I'll be there at school for sexual experimentation and writing. This often makes people ask "Really? You? Writing? You can't spell, and you can barely speak in full sentences... OOOKK.. WHATEVER! Good luck with that...". I have no answer for you, or your rude attitude. I lost a bet where the stakes were enrolling in a college for writing, so...

I have not yet decided what will come of The Showcase of Depravity; it's power is beyond my control. It's very much like malevolent computer HAL 9000 , and for that matter, my father, in that it would surely kill me before I kill it. In fact, both Blogger and my father remind me of this constantly on a weekly basis through email updates.

Until then, do yourself a favor and go through the archives; relive all the things you loved about this motley crew of rag tag ragamuffins and their rantings about unbelievably stupid customers. For now, let it be a relic of a successful project on failure (or a failure project on success, depending on how you look at my time at The Wave), which has a defined beginning and ending.

I assure you there will be more posts coming, including unfinished posts from days past (including a ridiculously late Halloween post) and brand new happenings on the store front (including hilariously innocent vandalism of the store wall's mural).

As always, I desperately request that you read my other "blog", What The Balls?.
Also, check out Drew's blog about life as an out-of-the-closet metrosexual, Zombie Politics. It's sure to offend and titillate.

Here is the "Hey, I'm a dog" card I imagine Media Wave would have sent me, had they done anything for my departure at all.




I leave The Wave as I came: questioning my sexuality, my belief in God, how people so stupid can be so rich, and ready for a fight.

-Jordan

What Would Chev Chelios Watch?

This week I decided to be, as a customer trying to be cute said, "different" with my Employee Picks section. I decided, as you will read, that since I won't be around much to change up my picks, I might as well dedicate it to perhaps the single greatest movie experience known to man. No, I don't mean The Godfather, Jurassic Park or even The Stupids. I printed out a little write up to explain my wild, boundary-breaking choice, and here it is:

Instead of recommending cult classics, lesser known sleepers, off-beat comedies and movies with the word “Teen” in the title, I am choosing to use my power of influence of my Picks Section to promote the best movie ever made, ever: “CRANK”. Rent “Crank” now.

Reasons why:

1. It’s called CRANK, for obvious reasons, and reasons not so obvious that will be revealed while the thrilling plot unravels. All other enticing plot points must be withheld for the sake of the full throttle Crank experience

2. It’s what “Snakes On A Plane” should have been, but without the hype or the snakes

3. Because I told you to, that’s why.

Warning: This film will literally blow your mind, in both good and medically adverse ways, so it’s best to watch it while wearing a helmet or medical gauze. The affect of this film is so great that it might cause you to start hating your family members, and make you want to punch someone just for the thrill of it. Pregnant women should not view this film. It contains a level of ridiculous adrenaline so high that it would cause birth defects, and that’s if the baby doesn’t punch it’s way out from becoming a man so quickly just by absorbing what doctors refer to as “’Crank’ waves”. People opposed to product placement, gratuitous sex and violence (if there is such a thing) should not view “Crank” unless they want to become a totally different person, but if you are opposed to gratuitous sex and violence, you probably aren’t looking at my picks section.

Best of luck in your new, post-“Crank” life

-Jordan

That's just the kind of thing you get at Media Wave - asshole clerks writing essays to tell you what to watch. Oh well. I hope customers come away from this forgetting the phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" and replacing it with the more practical and cocaine-addled "What Would Chev Chelios Do?"

-Jordan

Santa? Give me a break

Gift certificates to Media Wave are a popular way to show your kids you understand them on a personal level, while proving that the true meaning of Christmas isn't about gifts or money but rather about love - a gesture best made with a generic gift card for exactly $20 dollars.

Aside from my fundamental problems with the idea of gift cards (although, when it comes to any other aspect of life, my usual motto is: the less thought and effort, the better), what made me laugh this gift season more than anything else was the following transaction between myself and an optimistic if not over zealous holiday shopper.

Me: How much would you like the gift certificate for?
Customer: Twenty dollars please
Me: Perfect. And is there anything else I should write on it?
Customer: put "from Santa"
Me: You know it says "Media Wave in Fairfield" right there on it, and not "The North Pole", right?
Customer: Yea, that's fine.

Now, trying to get your kids to believe that there is 1 old fat man who brings dozens of expensive toys that he and some elves have somehow made by hand in his workshop - toys these kids see on TV and in toy stores clearly made by brand manufacturers - to millions, if not billions of kids (but only the good ones), on one day and only one day once a year is already hard enough.

To think Santa even has enough energy for this exhausting feat of agility, despite his many degenerative health disorders from his morbid obesity and the fact that he is at least 500 years old and lives on a diet of milk and cookies, is ridiculous. Believe me, the people at Cookie Crisp cereal are lying - cookies, while delicious, are not so much nutritious, and do not provide you with what you need for a day's work.

Then parents expect their kids to believe that this one hard-working superman toymaker also happens to be available for 2 weeks before Christmas to appear in their very own local shopping mall, and logically, no one else's.

And on top of all that, they try to pass off a gift certificate for a store in their own town as being from Santa, despite how it is obviously sold exclusively to Media Wave customers. As if before he stopped of at little Timmy Smith's house, Santa went into the local video store and asked for a gift certificate. "It was the only thing on Timmy's list this year, and he was a very good boy", Santa would say.

But I guess it works, and that's what's wrong our nations children - they're dumbasses, and so are their parents. There I said it.

-Jordan

Happy New Year Card

Hey everyone
A new one from my on going series of Cardz Wit At'tude, otherwise known as the "Hey, I'm a dog" series of generic holiday cards. Happy New Year, yall!




This and all other cards from this series are available at www.heyimadog.blogspot.com, the official Hey, I'm a dog! site. Enjoy, and feel free (please, I beg you) to spread it to your friends, leave them as comments on myspace, print them out for your friends and family, give them to the homeless (it's the least you can do). But if you do, try to post a link to any of my 3 websites (this one, blog.myspace.com/whattheballs, or www.heyimadog.blogspot.com)

Thanks. Safe carding.

-Jordan

Trucker? I Hardly Know 'er

We get many customers that stumble in drunk, and therefore finally able to appreciate classics such as "Little Man", "Dinosaur Valley Girls", movies from the continuing series of "American Pie Presents" and "National Lampoon's...", and continued appreciation of "Family Guy". The only difference between the jolly juicers stumbling out of a bar and the ones we get stumbling in is that our drunkards stumble in at 10 am (which is usually before we get there to open, and we are, generally speaking, sober).

One such customers walked in this morning and slurred through the words that sounded something like "Ehhh, you got any new movies?? the one with Marky Mark?"

Based on my experience translating idiots, I surmised that he wanted "Invincible," and to my surprise he actually had the required drivers license and credit card that it takes to open a rental account. So what's the significance of this story? This isn't any ordinary disheveled wine-o renting Mark Wahlberg movies (if I had a dime for every one...). This wine-o was a commercial truck driver. There's nothing like knowing that people responsible for hauling around tons of potentially murderous steel (especially if the truck is possessed, which it almost certainly is) at very high and reckless speeds aren't only scruffy and burly, but also drunk.
But that isn't the best part at all. The best part, like all things in life and trucking, is much simpler. This drunk trucker's last name is KLUTCH.
No joke. I'd say you can't make this stuff up, but you can, and Hollywood script writers often do.

So knowing the awesomeness of a drunk trucker named KLUTCH, the real question now (which Drew keenly pointed out) is: Is he still drunk from last night, or is he newly drunk this morning? And which one makes him cooler?

-Jordan

We only followed the instructions, officer.

We opened the store this morning to find a note on the counter that mysteriously read:

"-White kidnapped 2 months, 2 rednecks, 8 miles. Televised.

-Black girl kidnapped 45 minutes, either way out"

We have no idea what this means, but we assumed it was a set of instructions. We're the 2 rednecks, so it all adds up. Look for us on the evening news, I guess.

-Jordan

Merry Christmas, Christians

New from my on going series of "Hey, I'm a dog!" generic holiday cards...




They will be available for purchase soon. Check back.

-Jordan

Broads, right?

From time to time we get customers who are walking jokes, leaving us with very little effort to put into making jokes out of them on the internet.

The other day this woman comes in with her boyfriend to rent the next installment of "Lost" on DVD, which they rent every single day (seems like more of a commitment than just watching it while it's on once a week, but hey - live and let Lost). Nothing funny about this... until her boyfriend opens his mouth. In an attempt to make a joke (I'm guessing, and I commend him for trying to break the awkward silence that often occurs between customers and employees), he says in his deep guido-style brooklyn-fuckin'-accent,
"if that ain't the right disc, I'm gowna moyder ya!"
At this point it should be noted that he is wearing a fanny pack.

Then, feeling the need to defend himself for watching Lost (or for wearing a fanny pack?), he gives us the classic "Chicks, right?" speech.
"ayy, you start dating a broad you gotta start watchin what she watches, right?" (Which definitely deserved a "Badda-bing!" afterwards)
We all laugh, because it's funny.... though we're laughing at him, not with him.
Then she chimes in,
"it could be worse, I could be a stripper"
.... no, no you couldn't.

Badda-Bing!

-Jordan

A Lazy Man's Thanksgiving Post

As a lazy man, I'm giving you a lazy man's Thanksgiving post.
This is from last year. Check it out, you turkey.
I'm not a turkey, you're a turkey!

Here's a preview:

This is a picture of my ball sack... er, a turkey. Same diff.






















Happy Thanksgiving, even to the Jews... but not to the Native Americans. We try not to bring up that whole slaughter of their race thingy.

Debit or Credit?, Widescreen or Fullscreen? A: you're an idiot

A couple of rants for today:

1. When you had me a debit/credit card and I ask you "Would you like to use this as debit or credit?" and you respond "Debit... or credit", it's not answering my question, it's just telling me that you're a dumb ass. I know that it can be used for either function, that's why I asked. Now I have ask the question again: "OK, which one would you like to use?". Thanks though.

2. The widescreen/fullscreen question. I'm fine with having to explain the differences of the two screen formats and explaining their advantages and disadvantages, but not when it goes like this:

Customer: "should I get wide or full?"
Me: "Well, let me explain both formats to you and then tell you why you should get widescreen..... (enter explanation here). So which one would you like?
Customer: "Well, I have a widescreen TV, so does that mean I should get widescreen?"
Me: "Are you fucking kidding me? What do you think it means? GOD DAMNIT PEOPLE"

Am I wrong in assuming that if you know that you have a "WIDESCREEN" TV that the answer to the widescreen or fullscreen question would automatically be answered?

Fucking hell.

-Jordan

Coyote Ugly: A New Kind of Table Top Manners

Quote of the Day:

A young girl brings up the DVD box for Coyote Ugly to show her mother, her mother says "I danced on that bar!"



Then they rented it together. Because after all, it's better for a young girl to see objectification of women if her mother is there to put in the proper persepctive for her to understand... Even if that perspective is one of a bar table dancer. Gotta love "Cool Moms"

(pre)Halloween Quote #2

I've never quite gone into any depth about our UPS man, but suffice it to say that the stereotypical "crazy postman" is not exclusive to the federal postal service, and may even be redefined by our UPS man. I guess if your job forced you to wear officially issued matching brown socks every day, you might be a little insane too; but which came first: the chicken or the egg?
For examples of his utterly strange, sociopathic tendencies, here are a few short summaries of things he's told us:

-Through some sort of pervert- grapevine, we became aware that he likes scheisser (or "scat") porn. Fortunately we don't rent that kind of material... yet.
-He went on some kind of sky-diving-for-Jesus vacation, which he video taped and had us make copies of.
-His other vacation was to visit the site of the Oklahoma City bombing, which he enjoyed so much that he made it the destination of at least one other vacation trip. Come on, that's pretty demented.

So today he came in and said "I hate Halloween, all the kids running around... This year I'm going to dress up as Mark Foley."
For those out of the loop, Mark Foley is the former U.S Representative who sent dirty instant messanges to young boys (and then blamed his behavior on "alcoholism". Yea, you and me both, buddy). It would be a pretty funny joke/costume, if he had said it with any hint of a sense of humor. Though now I am thinking about how funny it would be to use that as a costume tomorrow when all of Fairfield's tiny costumed kids walk down Post Road, or "Safety Street" as it is being promoted as for Halloween, to trick-or-treat, with me standing there handing out candy in a suit.
When parents say, "Well aren't you dressed nicely! Who are you supposed to be?"
and I say "Former Representative Mark Foley", the look on their faces would be priceless. And by priceless, I mean costly, since it would probably cost me my job.

That doesn't mean I won't do it... come by tomorrow to see.

-Jordan

(pre)Halloween Quote

(pre)Halloween quote of the day:

Cute Little Boy: "I'm dressing up as a Power Ranger!"
Me: "Awesome! Which one? The Blue Ranger?" (cause that was the white guy in the show)
Cute Little Boy: "The Forest Green Ranger!"
Me: "Forest Green? Seriously? That's a ranger? Wow, that's pretty gay"

Forest Green? Did they really run out of colors? What race is forest green supposed to represent, the Irish? Give me a break.

Also, this dude just came in with gold earrings on each ear that cover almost his entire earlobe - not unlike 4-finger rings - that say "FREAKY" in fancy letters. If I had any money, that's how I would spend it.

-Jordan

I have an oriental friend, so I can say that

I was just assisting a startlingly jovial, almost wacky man who reminded me of Will Farrell as Harry Caray. Outside of this resemblance and his overall demeanor and awkward (intimidating?) height, nothing made the experience particularly blog worthy, and then it happened. Out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, he started doing what most would consider an extremely un-PC impression of an Asian, or as he might say, an oriental.

I said "that'll be 3 dollars"
and he goes "tree dollah! tree dollah!", as if me saying a dollar amount warranted and welcomed his best Vietnamese prostitute voice. This actually marks the first time in my retail career or my entire life where a good offensive Asian impression wasn't called for. Had he added "me love you long time", it would have been a home run.

I smirked out complete confusion and lack of any other better response (perhaps I should have said 'Sir, my mother was a Vietnamese prostitute. Take your movie and get out of my sight"), thinking it was some kind of strange fluke in his normal, socially acceptable behavior. How wrong I was. On his way out, he went back into racist stereotype mode and muttered nonsensical Chinese-sounding words to himself while walking, as if only for his own amusement, which was clearly achieved.
"Ching chang ting tong wong fong ding dong", and so forth. A regular buck-tooth, slanty-eyed yellowman rice eater, alright.
His pointless offensiveness notwithstanding, you can't beat some classic racism to lighten to mood and bring a smile to your face. Me rikey!

-Jordan

Customers doing their part to change the world, one rental at a time

Customer: Was Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang a book?"
Me: No... but it's a pretty good movie
Customer: Hmm... Well, I have a problem supporting Robert Downey Jr. movies, so...
Me: Oh.. OK. Well, I'm not sure he'll really feel the affects of you boycotting a DVD of his movie at a local small town video store, but OK...
Customer: Yea... it's a personal choice of mine.

If it was a book would that have made it justifiable to rent? Perhaps then they could say they've read the book without looking like they support a drug addict's movies.

It always amazes me where people chose to invest their energy and discipline. I've heard all kinds of boycott cries from customers for political reasons, like hating George Clooney and his ultra-left wing politically baised films like Ocean's Twelve and Intolerable Cruelty.

Some might say that the public should stay out of the affairs of the personal lives of celebrities like Robert Downey Jr., or stop caring about the political views of do-gooders and activists like George Clooney, but I say that's not the point. I say once you become a celebrity you should stop having a personal life and stop caring about the world around you, because it's our right as a society to judge you for whatever we want in pettiest form imaginable: movie rental boycotting.

-Jordan

The Biceman Cometh

Your humble over-hearer is now a published news man thanks to this blog, the very blog that so many members of my family, friends, coworkers and fellow bloggers call "useless", "pointless", "stupid" and "gay" (though I assume the last two are slang terms meaning "awesome" and "happy", respectively).

The Fairfield Weekly now has the honor of being able to call themselves the first official publishers of my work, and I am proud to be represented in a paper which featured this on the cover of their last issue:

(midget ladies is pimps too, go on brush ya shouldas off)

I was asked by The Fairfield Weekly to write some kind of mocking satire on Bo Bice and his upcoming appearance at Norwalk's Oyster Festival. It's no surprise that the paper that awarded Media Wave with Best Video Store for 5 years in a row (or something like that) would come around to the truth that we need more of The Showcase of Depravity to seep into the lives of everyday Fairfield County folk.
Please check out the following Weekly-related and posts: "Media Wins Yet Another Popularity Contest, County Rejoices"
and "The Wall of Shame: Another Showcase of Depravity showcase of depravity"

I'll bet he first one to admit that this article is a little long considering its subject matter, but fuck you. Of course it ended up getting circumcized the fuck up, so I prefer to give you, the loyal readers, an opportunity to read the Unabridged Jordan, in all its rambling and long-winded glory.

The Bice Man Cometh

Bo Bice. You know him as that “gentle” southern rocker who didn’t win American Idol last year. If you live in the Fairfield County area (and if you are reading this, you most assuredly do), you might also know The Bice Man (my pet name for him, but I’ll give it to you, the fans) from the rockin’ billboards placed strategically around the most rockin’est parts of major roads to promote the most rockin’ Oyster Festival since the one before. But what do we really know about this man whose rock is about to leave those in attendance on September the 9^th virtually sock-less? Come on, it’s Bo Bice. ‘Nuff said.

The name Bo Bice is a real name’s name. It is the soft rock equivalent of a porn star name, which is usually the sexual equivalent of a rock star name. If Dirk Diggler were on American Idol (and not already named Dirk Diggler), he’d probably be named Bo Bice. On the scale of manliness, “Bo Bice” is right up there with a bar fight, with extra points given because he’s from the south. For his fans, especially the female fans, the name exudes heterosexual appeal, and yet to his many naysayers (see: results of American Idol poll, hipsters), the name “Bo Bice” is so very, very laughably gay.

Of course it is not his real name. A name like that, with it’s solid American limit of two syllables and convenient alliteration for the nation’s attention deficient, would be too good to be true; a name like that is given only to sexy leading men in soap operas or taken on by ambitious porn stars. In that same delusional spirit, the nick name “Bo” was given to him by his grandmother who, for obvious reasons, felt he resembled Humphrey Bogart. His real name, Harold Elwin Bice, III, is not nearly as cool or sexy to hear screamed from adoring female fans of all ages, so Granny Bice wisely insured that if for no other reason, “Bo” would leave no jeans uncreamed.

With his long, flowing hair and carpenter’s beard, Bo looks less like Bogart and more like Jesus, if Jesus was a rocker, which, despite what my progressive youth pastor told me, he most certainly was not. He looks even less like an American Idol than Jesus, who is himself unfortunately less an American idol than Bo, if you feel my subtle socio-political judgment there. I suppose it’s no surprise that he did not win the popular pop music superstar reality contest with his rock stylings, though it would have been a nice change of pace from the blow-out-the-back-of-your-head-with-a-shotgun radio goo goo that usually comes from that show (Clay Aitkin - I’m looking in your direction, Kelly Clarkson – you’re cool).

Bo’s defeat is no indication of his fan base; in fact the internet seems now to be devoted to two things: Snakes on a Plane and Bo Bice. American likes to know what they’re getting. With cleverly titled fan groups like The Bice Squad, Bona Fide Bice and The Bice Effect, there is no lack of buzz about Bice news, including the upset over his past drug record. A southern rocker with a drug record? You’re kidding. One angry poster said “A drug addict should not be an American Idol”. No, just an American president. Since people generally have more interest in the election of the Idol than they do the president, should we be surprised that Bush’s years of drug abuse had no affect whatsoever on his election or job, but Bice was almost impeached.

Before losing a competition to a girl, which is inexcusable in my book (especially if you have a beard, as he does), Bo Bice got his start as a young rebel wowing middle schoolers with his vox by winning local singing competitions. Though performing inspiring renditions of songs like “God Bless the U.S.A.” in the heart of the south is like literally preaching to a choir, he won and we’re proud of him. American Idol allowed him to keep that same demographic as when he started.

Since then he’s played in several bands, most of which cover the diverse influences of Rock, Southern Rock, Blues Rock, Christian Rock and Country, or in other words, Southern Rock. There is however one notable exception, his early band “Purge” which is listened under “Rock/Metal/Hip Hop”. One can only hope that he pulls out a few old Purge classics when he plays Norwalk this month.

Other acts worth mentioning at the festival of oyster are Asia, who most American Idol fans only know from the signed poster owned by the virgin in “40 Year-Old Virgin”, but who actually deserve the respect that comes from being one of if not the only band named after a continent still touring. Come to think of it, they might be the only band named after a continent ever. Also appearing is the decidedly less geographically named singer Dion, whose timeless hit “Runaround Sue” was among the first American classics to introduce the long-running theme of loose women, which spawned the genre generally known as Gangsta Rap. It’s going to be a great show.

The issue is supposed to come out today. I'm not yet sure if my glowing face will be on the cover, or if it will be more midget strippers, or both. I'd say go buy a copy, but it's a free newspaper, and I've just given you the article, so your work is done unless you want to find out what else is happening in your county (if you live in Fairfield County).

Thanks for the years of continued support that I assume you people give me and The Showcase of Depravity. Look for more Depravity in later issues.

-The Jordan Factor 360

Customer Fashion Watch

CUSTOMER FASHION WATCH: T-Shirt Edition

One customer is wearing the exact same shirt that he wore yesterday, which happens to be promoting the Intergalactic Space Academy (which may or may not be from Lilo & Stitch, though I think/hope it's a real school). I'm not one to judge a shirt recycler, being one myself, but if you're going to wear the exact same thing two days in a row, you probably shouldn't go into the same store where the same employees from the first day will be there to mock you on a widely ignored blog.

Another customer, mid-40's and resembling a balding pear, is sporting a classic t-shirt for Snoop Doggy Dogg's less classic second album, Tha Doggfather (yes, he still referred to himself with the "Doggy" in there back then). The spherical shape of his huge beer belly made the word "Doggfather" look 3-D, which is awesome, even if a Snoop Dogg shirt is chemically designed to destory fat middle-aged white men, which it is.

This man has reached a level of hipster irony that has never even been attempted before, and he probably did it without any knowledge that he was being really, really cool. 20-something's everywhere only wish they could gain 100 pounds and age 20 years just so the fact that they are wearing a seldom seen early 90's gangsta rap t-shirt would blow everyone's mind. Oh well. Grand Prize goes to this guy.

The truth is, I really want both of those shirts.

-Jordan

Overheard at The Wave

"I'm getting 'The Ice Storm'.... I dunno, it's a movie. OK, like, they take some ice and a storm and put them together. It's supposed to be really depressing, I wanna get it."

-Jordan The Overhearer

We Do, Actually

This old, round giant of a man who comes up to the counter and makes us pick out the movies he wants to rent from a list and/or collection of index cards he carries in his front pocket came into day (whew, that’s a description). He’s so weird that we aren’t entirely sure if he’s got some kind of mental issues (not unlike the ones that prevent Jordan from proofreading) or if he’s just some wacky old guy. Either way, he’s pretty innocuous, and let’s us in on his thoughts about “Snakes on a Plane” (he wishes there was more of the huge snake and wants us to keep him updated if there are any further “Anaconda” films) and our service record (he calls me Mr. Hospitality, with good reason, and rates Paul as a D+).

Anyway, today he took the proverbial cake by asking me this:

“Do you have a dirty old man section?”

I kind of had to say ‘yes.’ I then awkwardly chauffeured him over to the “Mature” section, which is mostly comprised of titles in the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ series and a few miscellaneous other soft-core titles (some with hilarious names like “Playmate of the Apes”).

He made his selections and I checked him out.

I vowed that I’d never speak of it again. Until now, several hours later. Time heals.

Never forget.

-Drew

Q: When is a Hitler moustache OK?

A: When a black guy is wearing it.

Then it's only offensive because it's ugly.

So let's add that to the long list of things black people can do that white people can't because they'll seem racist. Also on that list: shaving your head bald, and referring to African tribesman who throw spears and field workers responsible for cotton gathering by other shorter, more convenient names.

Today I noticed one of our many, many black customers (we have all the seasons of Sanford & Son, so, you know...) wearing an unusual and tragically underappreciated style of moustache: The Toothbrush, otherwise known as The Hitler.

For those readers that did not graduate elementary school (the statistics tell me that's 78% of you), Adolf Hitler is sometimes known as the man responsible for the attempted elimination of an entire race of people.

However, he is more often known for the unintentional but severely permanent bastardization of the first name Adolf, the last name Hitler, and the one time alluring moustache style also worn by men of great repute like Islamic intellectual Sayyid Qutb (pictured to the left), homeless comedian Charlie Chaplin, and most recently, Michael Vale, or Fred the Baker to the public.




Granted, Fred the Baker came after Hitler had ruined the stache for the rest of us, but his pioneering revitalized version was more flared out, and in contrast with his inspiring chubby cheeks and cute-old-man smile, we knew that Fred would sooner supply you with a dozen assorted donuts, a large coffee and a smile than exterminate your race (and I think that's one of the reasons we loved him).

I'm not so sure even Fred could get away with that kind of fashion statement these days. Until today I couldn't imagine a situation in which the sporting of The Hitler would not inspire cringing and disapproving evil-eye stares.

And then I saw him. He was standing proud and entirely pro-Semitic with what I'll call his "Upper Lip Soul Patch", confident that because he is black, his personal grooming choice was not in any way reminiscent of the worlds most infamous mustachioed dictator (although, it seems trendy for almost every single infamous dictator known to history to have a moustache, so maybe it's fitting for the most infamous to make the most indelible mark on the moustache world).

Other great things ruined by Hitler: the very sharp looking red arm band, the Hindu swastika symbol for well-being, the good name of white supremacy, and the lives of the Jews. What a dick.

Apparently Apple is taking a cue from our black customer in reclaiming something made taboo by Hitler by designing a red arm band iPod holder. My fear is that while not being offensive on its own, it will most likely attract neo-Nazis to the iPod family, and that's not cool.




-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania hits the customers...

including the customers who are too old to be wearing a Snakes On A Plane T-shirt. You can't tell from the picture, but this guy looks like he's in his 50s (late 40's, to be generous). I'm not sure if I give him a lot of credit for keeping up with pop culture trends (especially those that are more or less contained on the internet, which is usually a humiliating and terrifying zone for people over 50), or if this guy wearing this SOAP shirt makes that shirt totally square and uncool now.

Either way, all the cool guys know that THIS is the coolest SOAP shirt out there.

Keep up the enthusiasm, customers!

-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania sets in at The Wave

Because we are stand-up citizens and masters of our race, the employees of Media Wave have been awarded, among many other prestegious honors, VIP status at the local movie theaters. This status comes in very handy when a certain mania about a certain motion picture event involving a certain kind of aviation machine and a certain slitering biblical creature.

In other words, us mothafuckas get to see SNAKES ON A MOTHAFUCKIN' PLANE a little earlier than the rest of yall suckas (and for free... however, we all decided to donate $9.50 each in support of the film because we knew it'd be worth every dime).

Since our Super-Important Awesome-Dude VIP screening is scheduled for 10pm tonight and Media Wave officially closes at 11pm, Drew was handy enough to come up with this amazing sign to alert the public.



We trust customers will understand. And if they don't then they can kiss our schlock-lovin asses!

-Jordan

p.s. this will surely become a t-shirt (Adam, I'm looking at you, electronically looking) and it will be available for purchase for fans along with other Showcase/Wave merch like the Lil' Jordan Tribute Can.

p.p.s. Snakes aren't dangerous for their venom, they're dangerous for their poop. Excerpt from a CNN article:

"It's the poop," Jules Sylvester, head animal trainer for the new Hollywood movie "Snakes on a Plane" said Monday at a news conference to publicize the film.

"They will poop everywhere," he added.

you read it here first, folks! (because I assume no one who reads this blog also reads CNN...)