Q: When is a Hitler moustache OK?

A: When a black guy is wearing it.

Then it's only offensive because it's ugly.

So let's add that to the long list of things black people can do that white people can't because they'll seem racist. Also on that list: shaving your head bald, and referring to African tribesman who throw spears and field workers responsible for cotton gathering by other shorter, more convenient names.

Today I noticed one of our many, many black customers (we have all the seasons of Sanford & Son, so, you know...) wearing an unusual and tragically underappreciated style of moustache: The Toothbrush, otherwise known as The Hitler.

For those readers that did not graduate elementary school (the statistics tell me that's 78% of you), Adolf Hitler is sometimes known as the man responsible for the attempted elimination of an entire race of people.

However, he is more often known for the unintentional but severely permanent bastardization of the first name Adolf, the last name Hitler, and the one time alluring moustache style also worn by men of great repute like Islamic intellectual Sayyid Qutb (pictured to the left), homeless comedian Charlie Chaplin, and most recently, Michael Vale, or Fred the Baker to the public.




Granted, Fred the Baker came after Hitler had ruined the stache for the rest of us, but his pioneering revitalized version was more flared out, and in contrast with his inspiring chubby cheeks and cute-old-man smile, we knew that Fred would sooner supply you with a dozen assorted donuts, a large coffee and a smile than exterminate your race (and I think that's one of the reasons we loved him).

I'm not so sure even Fred could get away with that kind of fashion statement these days. Until today I couldn't imagine a situation in which the sporting of The Hitler would not inspire cringing and disapproving evil-eye stares.

And then I saw him. He was standing proud and entirely pro-Semitic with what I'll call his "Upper Lip Soul Patch", confident that because he is black, his personal grooming choice was not in any way reminiscent of the worlds most infamous mustachioed dictator (although, it seems trendy for almost every single infamous dictator known to history to have a moustache, so maybe it's fitting for the most infamous to make the most indelible mark on the moustache world).

Other great things ruined by Hitler: the very sharp looking red arm band, the Hindu swastika symbol for well-being, the good name of white supremacy, and the lives of the Jews. What a dick.

Apparently Apple is taking a cue from our black customer in reclaiming something made taboo by Hitler by designing a red arm band iPod holder. My fear is that while not being offensive on its own, it will most likely attract neo-Nazis to the iPod family, and that's not cool.




-Jordan