The Biceman Cometh

Your humble over-hearer is now a published news man thanks to this blog, the very blog that so many members of my family, friends, coworkers and fellow bloggers call "useless", "pointless", "stupid" and "gay" (though I assume the last two are slang terms meaning "awesome" and "happy", respectively).

The Fairfield Weekly now has the honor of being able to call themselves the first official publishers of my work, and I am proud to be represented in a paper which featured this on the cover of their last issue:

(midget ladies is pimps too, go on brush ya shouldas off)

I was asked by The Fairfield Weekly to write some kind of mocking satire on Bo Bice and his upcoming appearance at Norwalk's Oyster Festival. It's no surprise that the paper that awarded Media Wave with Best Video Store for 5 years in a row (or something like that) would come around to the truth that we need more of The Showcase of Depravity to seep into the lives of everyday Fairfield County folk.
Please check out the following Weekly-related and posts: "Media Wins Yet Another Popularity Contest, County Rejoices"
and "The Wall of Shame: Another Showcase of Depravity showcase of depravity"

I'll bet he first one to admit that this article is a little long considering its subject matter, but fuck you. Of course it ended up getting circumcized the fuck up, so I prefer to give you, the loyal readers, an opportunity to read the Unabridged Jordan, in all its rambling and long-winded glory.

The Bice Man Cometh

Bo Bice. You know him as that “gentle” southern rocker who didn’t win American Idol last year. If you live in the Fairfield County area (and if you are reading this, you most assuredly do), you might also know The Bice Man (my pet name for him, but I’ll give it to you, the fans) from the rockin’ billboards placed strategically around the most rockin’est parts of major roads to promote the most rockin’ Oyster Festival since the one before. But what do we really know about this man whose rock is about to leave those in attendance on September the 9^th virtually sock-less? Come on, it’s Bo Bice. ‘Nuff said.

The name Bo Bice is a real name’s name. It is the soft rock equivalent of a porn star name, which is usually the sexual equivalent of a rock star name. If Dirk Diggler were on American Idol (and not already named Dirk Diggler), he’d probably be named Bo Bice. On the scale of manliness, “Bo Bice” is right up there with a bar fight, with extra points given because he’s from the south. For his fans, especially the female fans, the name exudes heterosexual appeal, and yet to his many naysayers (see: results of American Idol poll, hipsters), the name “Bo Bice” is so very, very laughably gay.

Of course it is not his real name. A name like that, with it’s solid American limit of two syllables and convenient alliteration for the nation’s attention deficient, would be too good to be true; a name like that is given only to sexy leading men in soap operas or taken on by ambitious porn stars. In that same delusional spirit, the nick name “Bo” was given to him by his grandmother who, for obvious reasons, felt he resembled Humphrey Bogart. His real name, Harold Elwin Bice, III, is not nearly as cool or sexy to hear screamed from adoring female fans of all ages, so Granny Bice wisely insured that if for no other reason, “Bo” would leave no jeans uncreamed.

With his long, flowing hair and carpenter’s beard, Bo looks less like Bogart and more like Jesus, if Jesus was a rocker, which, despite what my progressive youth pastor told me, he most certainly was not. He looks even less like an American Idol than Jesus, who is himself unfortunately less an American idol than Bo, if you feel my subtle socio-political judgment there. I suppose it’s no surprise that he did not win the popular pop music superstar reality contest with his rock stylings, though it would have been a nice change of pace from the blow-out-the-back-of-your-head-with-a-shotgun radio goo goo that usually comes from that show (Clay Aitkin - I’m looking in your direction, Kelly Clarkson – you’re cool).

Bo’s defeat is no indication of his fan base; in fact the internet seems now to be devoted to two things: Snakes on a Plane and Bo Bice. American likes to know what they’re getting. With cleverly titled fan groups like The Bice Squad, Bona Fide Bice and The Bice Effect, there is no lack of buzz about Bice news, including the upset over his past drug record. A southern rocker with a drug record? You’re kidding. One angry poster said “A drug addict should not be an American Idol”. No, just an American president. Since people generally have more interest in the election of the Idol than they do the president, should we be surprised that Bush’s years of drug abuse had no affect whatsoever on his election or job, but Bice was almost impeached.

Before losing a competition to a girl, which is inexcusable in my book (especially if you have a beard, as he does), Bo Bice got his start as a young rebel wowing middle schoolers with his vox by winning local singing competitions. Though performing inspiring renditions of songs like “God Bless the U.S.A.” in the heart of the south is like literally preaching to a choir, he won and we’re proud of him. American Idol allowed him to keep that same demographic as when he started.

Since then he’s played in several bands, most of which cover the diverse influences of Rock, Southern Rock, Blues Rock, Christian Rock and Country, or in other words, Southern Rock. There is however one notable exception, his early band “Purge” which is listened under “Rock/Metal/Hip Hop”. One can only hope that he pulls out a few old Purge classics when he plays Norwalk this month.

Other acts worth mentioning at the festival of oyster are Asia, who most American Idol fans only know from the signed poster owned by the virgin in “40 Year-Old Virgin”, but who actually deserve the respect that comes from being one of if not the only band named after a continent still touring. Come to think of it, they might be the only band named after a continent ever. Also appearing is the decidedly less geographically named singer Dion, whose timeless hit “Runaround Sue” was among the first American classics to introduce the long-running theme of loose women, which spawned the genre generally known as Gangsta Rap. It’s going to be a great show.

The issue is supposed to come out today. I'm not yet sure if my glowing face will be on the cover, or if it will be more midget strippers, or both. I'd say go buy a copy, but it's a free newspaper, and I've just given you the article, so your work is done unless you want to find out what else is happening in your county (if you live in Fairfield County).

Thanks for the years of continued support that I assume you people give me and The Showcase of Depravity. Look for more Depravity in later issues.

-The Jordan Factor 360