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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Anna Nicole - An enigma in life, a legend in death

Anna Nicole Smith, well-known health guru, feminist spokesperson, noted voluptuary and star of "Naked Gun: 33 1/3", was pronounced dead today, her body having finally caught up with her brain. Ironically, she died at the young age of 39, far too young to have collected and enjoyed the inherited fortune she spent the better part of her life seeking, targeting, having sex for, and battling legally over.
You may judge her, but I ask you: is a life of working hard in a corporate office for a fortune really any different, physically, mentally, or philosophically, than having sex with an 89-year-old man, even just once? They're equally as degrading, and an affair with an old man probably involves changing more diapers.

It is not my intention to mock and shame a human being so soon after she died, so I will let her body of work (pun!!!!!) speak for itself.

Anna Nicole, truly I wish it was your manager and not you, and if you remember The Anna Nicole Smith show like I do, you remember that her manager/best friend/secret admirerer would have easily layed his life down if he could, as he did his dignity on national television. He was the real life Smithers to her Mr. Burns (who, incidentally, she was actually married to for a time).
If the saying "it's better to burn out than to fade away" is true, it definitely applies here, but I don't think it was meant quite as literally.
Let her death not be in vain - boycott TrimSpa! It promises to make you thin, but what they don't tell you is that you won't just be as trim as a skeleton, you'll actually be one! Ahh! (Too soon)
In life she was an enigma, in death she is a legend...
Now she can finally be reunited in heaven with her one and only love, who has actually been in heaven longer than she's been fat, which is a long fucking time. Ouch.
(P.S. I'm sorry, Anna's ghost. I didn't mean any of it)
Also, here are some titles for the forthcoming Anna Nicole Smith biography that I came up with:
Shameless Plug: The Life and Times of Anna Nicole Smith (Double Meaning)
A Pig With Wings: How Anna Nicole Captured The Hearts and Minds of America
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful, There Are So Many Other Reasons: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Anna Nicole Smith
A Voluptuary and the Oil Tycoon: The Classic American Love Story (I just really like the word "voluptuary")
Beauty and the Beast: The story of J. Howard Marshall II and Anna Nicole, Respectively
Like My Body? Want Some Money? And Other Things On Anna Nicole Smith's Gravestone
Beautiful Enigma: The Inspirational Life of Anna Nicole, Retarded Model
*keep checking back, I might come up with more



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