What Would Chev Chelios Watch?

This week I decided to be, as a customer trying to be cute said, "different" with my Employee Picks section. I decided, as you will read, that since I won't be around much to change up my picks, I might as well dedicate it to perhaps the single greatest movie experience known to man. No, I don't mean The Godfather, Jurassic Park or even The Stupids. I printed out a little write up to explain my wild, boundary-breaking choice, and here it is:

Instead of recommending cult classics, lesser known sleepers, off-beat comedies and movies with the word “Teen” in the title, I am choosing to use my power of influence of my Picks Section to promote the best movie ever made, ever: “CRANK”. Rent “Crank” now.

Reasons why:

1. It’s called CRANK, for obvious reasons, and reasons not so obvious that will be revealed while the thrilling plot unravels. All other enticing plot points must be withheld for the sake of the full throttle Crank experience

2. It’s what “Snakes On A Plane” should have been, but without the hype or the snakes

3. Because I told you to, that’s why.

Warning: This film will literally blow your mind, in both good and medically adverse ways, so it’s best to watch it while wearing a helmet or medical gauze. The affect of this film is so great that it might cause you to start hating your family members, and make you want to punch someone just for the thrill of it. Pregnant women should not view this film. It contains a level of ridiculous adrenaline so high that it would cause birth defects, and that’s if the baby doesn’t punch it’s way out from becoming a man so quickly just by absorbing what doctors refer to as “’Crank’ waves”. People opposed to product placement, gratuitous sex and violence (if there is such a thing) should not view “Crank” unless they want to become a totally different person, but if you are opposed to gratuitous sex and violence, you probably aren’t looking at my picks section.

Best of luck in your new, post-“Crank” life

-Jordan

That's just the kind of thing you get at Media Wave - asshole clerks writing essays to tell you what to watch. Oh well. I hope customers come away from this forgetting the phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" and replacing it with the more practical and cocaine-addled "What Would Chev Chelios Do?"

-Jordan