Clerk 1, Customer 0! / Luis Guzman walks among us

I just helped this woman who had "Kicking and Screaming" 1 day late. I informed her of this and she said "oh no.. no no no, I returned that 2 days ago"
I check the drawer... No disc.
"Are you absolutely sure you returned it? Maybe it's in your car?"
Her: "No, absolutely not. I remember becuase I had the kids with me and I returned it in your slot" (sexy)
Me: "ook... regardless of who you were with or why you think you remember, the disc is not here. Maybe you returned an empty case? It happens all the time"
Her: "well, I'm sure you'll find it becuase I don't have it"
Me: "well, either way please try to look for it at your house"

She was extremely insistant about the fact that there is no chance whatsoever that she is somehow mistaken and that trained employees and a computer and the evidence of no disc in the drawer were wrong. It was almost to the point of being offensive to me saying in other words "I don't care what you say, I returned it and that's that".

Well, she called me 30 minutes later and told me she found it in her DVD player and must have returned an empty case.
SURPRISE SURPRISE! What the fuck did I just tell you?
She wasn't even willing to accept the idea that she could be wrong and that we deal with this ALL THE TIME, and then she had to eat her fuckin words, take her head out of her ass and call me to tell me she was wrong.
HA!

I try to understand how people feel. If you think you did something, no one can tell you you didn't do it, even if you didn't. If I was a total moron and couldn't keep track of whether or not I actually took the DVD out of my player and wasn't just returning a CLEAR CASE with nothing in it, I would probably feel confident about my intelligence and fight the employees at a video store if they suggested that I could possibly make an idiot move like RETURNING A CLEAR CASE WITH NOTHING IN IT!
Let's go over this once more: You rented a DVD and put it in your DVD player. You were in such a huge fucking rush to return it (late) that you didn't bother taking it out of your DVD player or putting the disc back in its clear, see-through box. At no time during your long journey between your living room and the video store return slot did you once glance at the DVD box because if you had you would have seen right through it, as it is clear and if it contained anything you would have seen this object instead of the car seat material it rested on. Then you put it in the return slot, still not noticing that it was empty, and since then you haven't turned on your DVD player once.
I simply do not understand this.

I feel so vindicated. I feel like I could go around town telling everyone they are wrong, because I know that they are.
Sure, we make mistakes, but usually it is the customer who is wrong and when they have to outright admit to it, an angel gets its wings.

____________________________________________________________________

This guy comes up to pay late fees on 4 movies that were late. I tell him they were 3 days late, all together its $6.75.
Him: "per day?" he asks.
Me: "No, that's the total."
Him: "So it was what, 2 dollars a day?"
Me: "No, what? A day or each disc? most of them were 50 cents a day. One of them was 75 cents a day."
Him: "right"
Me: "They were 3 days late. Add it up - 50 times 3 is $1.50. 75 times 3 is $2.25. 1.50 times 3 is $4.50, plus $2.25 is $6.75"
Him: "Right. Ok. Can I have a reciept?"
Me: "...suuure you can"

Did I mention that his name is Luis Guzman, Jr!!!?! Luis Guzman is the single greatest actor of our generation. I don't usually like posting anyones real name on here, but this is an absolute miracle, or at least a humorous coincidence.

I wonder if he knows how awesome his name is and who it's connected to. More importantly, I wonder if he is actually the son of the famed character actor/muse of Steven Soderberg.

I plan on one day working with Guzman, maybe doing a buddy cop movie of some kind. Can you see it: Guzman is a hard-boiled NYC detective who plays by his own rules and answers only to his gun and God. He has the phrase "vaya con dios" tattooed on his chest and has been shot twice - each one just making him more thirsty for street vengence. He didn't want a partner, but after he pistol whipped the a cousin of the Mayor, he has to be put in line.
I play a goofy anger management therapist assigned by the courts to tag along with Guzman and make sure he keeps his dangerous attitude in check. Oh man it's going to be hilarious and action packed, and chock full of plenty of ethnic jokes.



-Jordan

Caller ID is a bitch, ain't it!

While I tend to doubt that any of you use your internet to do anything but read this blog and therefore get all your "news" from me, some of you may know by now through various telelvision or internet ads that the "XBOX 360" came out this week. Thankfully, the nations video store-going children know this as well.

This is the first and probably the least impressive in the next generation of game systems and it comes out at a perfect time to fill the void of new technology or constantly updated and super expensive gadgets missing in our current market. With the next version of the iPod still not available for another grueling 2 weeks, the follow-up to that iPod not out for at least a month after that, the iPod Nano 2 not due out for about 2 1/2 weeks, the iPod Trinity (as small as the Nano but shaped in a crucifix to celebrate Christmas)* set for release just says before Christmas, the Nintendo Duel Screen(NDS) so out of date my grandfather wouldn't be caught dead with it and the Playstation Portable(PSP) yesterdays news, consumers needed something to waste several hundred dollars on before their next chance to upgrade again.
*Statistics source entirely uncredible


For this Christmas, males between ages 4 - 52 gather in a sanctimonious mass to worship not the birth of christ, but the unveiling of their new god, the XBOX 360.
While Christ had the whole "love" thing going, the XBOX 360 and its unveiling were clearly the more neon of the two and clearly more awe-inspiring. Perhaps if Christmas offered more rave-like parties it wouldn't have to lose so many young minds from their brand of escapisim from reality to that of the vastly more popular and less judgemental graphics of video games.

Unfortunately, the buzz for this new XBOX system was so strong that many many sunlight-deprived, socially detatched youngsters had to end up being the loser on their blocks without a 360 due to its state of sold-outness. This tops a long list of reasons why these kids are already the losers on their block.

Sooooo, to get to the point:

We've had a bunch of stupid little kids calling us to see if we have any 360's for sale because no one else does.
This one kid called and his number showed up on the caller ID so I quickly identified his last name with his dad, one of the drunker of our perpetually drunk customers and for that, and many other reasons, is high on the list of annoying people we don't like to talk to.
He asked me if we have any XBOX 360's and I said "No, I'm sorry we don't". He asked me if we would be getting any and I gave him all the information any of us have: "I DON'T KNOW". He continued in his interrogation and asked if he could put his name on the reservation list. I said no because we don't have one since we don't know if or when we'll be getting them.
He says "yea, I know, but um, can you just write my name down and call me?"
I told him that I understand what a "reservation" entails and that it would be pointless and we'd never end up calling him. Again he goes "yea, but like, can you just write my name down?". What a persistant little bitch.
I told him no and he hung up.
1 minute later we get another call from the same number and this time Drew answers. The kid goes through the EXACT same line of questioning with him as he did with me, as if I didn't JUST talk to him and as if I was LYING to him about our XBOX inventory. After Drew regurgitates what I had said to him with significantly more tude on it, the kid asks to speak to Paul! (the owner, in case any of you haven't paid any attention). Such a preposterous demand from such a young, fragile boy does not warrant a response at all but rather a swift ass kicking, but Drew obliged and told him that Paul would tell him the same thing if he cared to waste his time talking to 10 year old nerds more than he already has to, which is a lot.

Then like 10 minutes later the phone rings again and my little helper robot the caller ID reveals its the same fucking number again. I answer this time and the same kid from before DISGUISES HIS VOICE, very poorly, and tries to act like a grown man.

"Yes excuse me but I would like to find out whether or not your store has any XBOX 360s? I would like to purchase one"
I couldn't believe it so I just let him talk and humor him so I can hear more of his expert voice impression skills.
Eventually I ask him if he had just called earlier and he gets all flustered and says
"No, I don't know what you're talking about"
I say, "I ask because someone from your phone number just called asking the same question at least 2 times already..."
"It must have been a mix up" he says.
"No. No mix up at all. Are you sure this isn't the kid who just called? You didn't just ask me the same questions??" I say
"um... um.. no. ok BYE" he abadons his mission and flees.

Aren't kids just precious?

We decided that we were going to call the kid back and, despite telling him several times that we don't have any 360's and would not take his number for a reservation, tell him that his reservation for an XBOX 360 has been filled and he can pick it up at his earliest convenience.
OR call him and tell him he's suddenly won a XBOX in a sweepstakes.
Either way, when he comes in the store we're going to bludgeon him to death with the phone receiver.


-Jordan

I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!

Today, like every other day of the year except Christmas (yes, we're even open on Bastille Day), Media Wave opens it's doors to the movie watching public. You might think "why the hell is a video store open? It's Thanksgiving for crying out loud, don't people have better things to do?"
The answer is a resounding NO. In fact, hordes of people flock to the video store in a last attempt to find some way to avoid having to actually talk with people they are bound to only by blood relation (vampires?) and law, and obviously not by shared interests or pleasure of conversation with eachother.

The same phenonmenon occurs during big rain and snow storm and every other holiday on the calender. I see people renting 10 movies at a time, and I suppose they don't want one single second to go by where anyone has to think or talk to eachother because as we all know, thinking and talking to eachother is how a fight starts.

Don't get me wrong, I am a strong advocate of avoiding boring, pointless and awkward "hey how are ya" conversations where people who never see eachother catch up in a matter of 5 sentences because no one does anything interesting in their lives at all.
Here's an example of my conversation when visiting 90% of my extended family:

Older Family Member Whose Name I Don't Remember: Hey there buddy, how's it goin?
Me: Pretty good, you know...
Family: Yea, OH I KNOW! heh heh, yea so.. getting ready for some TURKEY??"
Me: Yea, I haven't eaten all day so I'm pretty hungry. You?
Family: Oh you bet! That's what Thanksgiving is all about, right??
Me: Yea... sure. So how are... your..? how are you?
Family: Oh, good, good. Everyone's good. After Sam died it's been tough, but you know...
Me: (thinking... Sam? Who is Sam?) Yea, us too. Well, I gotta hit the bathroom
Family: Oh, I know whatcha mean! Alright, take care
Me: yea, I'm sure I'll see you on the cou- or, yea, take care too...

It's completely pointless. If I didn't have some small part of me that has an interest in the basic well being of my family members, I wouldn't go at all.
So I suppose this is how all families are because I see all of them desperately renting movies to avoid that very situation. It's just sad, that's all. I think conversation classes should be required in high school or college, I really do.

Well, enough on that for now. You can find these thoughts and more in my upcoming collection of essays called "'Really, I don't care' and Other Essays on the Importance of Good Conversation"

Now, back to the topic of the day: Thanksgiving. What's most important this year is that we stop focusing on the Katrina "disaster" and the few shortcomings of the Bush administration, but that we are winning the War on Turkeys.

Look at how freaky turkeys are. That looks less like a turkey and more like Major Evil, commander of the Armies of Hell.

This turkey hates our freedom.

But then again, this particular turkey was high on the Bush's list for Supreme Court judge.

Bush:"I'm finally talking to someone who can understand me. I think we're pretty similar"
Turkey:"Gobble gobble gooble"
Bush: "Yeehaw! You said it, Turkey. You're good people."


Bush: "Hey, Clinton got some, why can't I?"

-Jordan

The Real Holocaust

There are many films about the Holocaust and holocausts in general. Among the greatest of all time are: Schindler's List, Diary Of Anne Frank, Zombie Holocaust, Cannibal Holocaust, Cannabis Holocaust, Life Is Beautiful, Gypsy Holocaust, Holocaust 2000, Vampire Holocaust, The Pianist, and the list goes on...
These are all GREAT films. Zombie Holocaust touched me like few films do, and Schindler's List had a lot of brutal death, which I like...
But over all, the best Holocaust film, perhaps best film of all time, has to be

Porno Holocaust

The Nazi's are trying to deny the entire holocaust as a myth from the cheap jews who are just trying to get reparations for the 6 million dead... Boo hoo, right?
But what the Nazi's and the history books constantly neglect to represent is the important Porno Holocaust.
Joe D'Amato's film may seem like a violent sexploitation movie, but in reality it details the untold story of a group of soldiers that were exposed to a nuclear fallout during WWII and the effects of this horrible disaster and how they had sex.
This led to America's worst fear of the time which was not fear itself, as a certain president would have us to believe, but in reality HORNY, MUTANT, CANNIBALISTIC ZOMBIES!!

My advice to all you holocaust/porno buffs out there:
RENT THIS FILM!

A couple of things that contributed to my loss of faith in humanity

Here is another classic Jeff quote from this week, followed by 3 examples of why I am not at all saddened by the impending Robot Apocalypse, the slaughter of human kind.


My sister was telling Jeff about the cult horror movie "Cannibal Holocaust" and said "they rape women and then eat them alive"
to which Jeff replies, "Hell yea nigga, ain't no other way to live. South Bronx! Concrete Jungle, baby!"
________________________________________________________________

This douche bag comes in and asks me to throw his cup away for him. I ask him if his cup is empty and he says yes. He hands me his cup which is at least half full. I look down at the cup and then look up at him with utter bewilderment in my eyes, he just walks away.

Perhaps he thought I was asking a philosphical question about his outlook on life? I guess after all this shit I still see the cup as half full.
________________________________________________________________

This guy with his kid are in the store buying "Madagascar" on DVD. The customer waiting in line behind him starts up a quick, pointless conversation about the movie. Then randomly in a sudden change of tone from friendly to stern and out of line, the customer waiting says to the one buying the DVD
"One thing you need to know: Don't use the TV as a babysitter. It comes back to bite you in the ass later in life..."
The guy buying Madagascar is pretty taken aback and says "yea.. yea, well, I don't. Usually it's an educational tool like Sesame Street and such.."
and the rude guy says "yea, still..."

weird.
__________________________________________________________________

This woman comes in the store and asks if we have a computer with the internet here.
Curious as to why she would ask such a question, assuming it's going to be something strange and annoying, I say "yees.... why?..."
and she says "Do you mind if I use it to check my email?"
I look at her, again with utter bewilderment in my eyes, and all that comes out of my mouth is "uhh..... Paul, is it ok if this woman comes in just to use our internet??", and he says "um, I suppose. If you're quick".
Keep in mind that this internet computer is BEHIND THE COUNTER. Also keep in mind that this women is NOT a customer. She just came in the store randomly hoping we had internet.

So she comes behind the counter, interupting what we were doing, and then TAKES A CELL PHONE CALL while checking her email, and stays on the phone and on our computer for at least 5 minutes.
Paul and I are standing there looking at eachother like, "is this really happening?".
She carries on her loud and obnoxious cell phone conversation as if suddenly she hasn't just stepped into a random place of business of which she is not a patron to use their internet, but as if maybe she was in her own car where she could have an obnoxious cell phone conversation in privacy while she's cutting people off and not using her blinkers.
Finally she apologizes, while on her cell phone, and runs out.

What the balls?

-Jordan

Jordan's Quote of the Week(end)

Jordan's quote of the week(end):

"Sometimes leaves make me feel weird."

Huh?

Anyway, that's it for me.

Love,

Drew
(The Phantom Blogger)

Your kids are destructive, deal with it. Sort 'em out!

This woman comes in with 3 lunatic children and one of the boys comes up to the counter and in his classic I-have-no-consideration-for-the-hearing-of-others 8 year old voice yells, "THIS GAME DOESN'T WOORRRRKKK!!".
I cringe and prepare for yet another ordeal.
His mother explains to me that the game didn't work last time and so we she had us repair it in our professional disc resurfacing machine (which completely takes off scratches), and now it still doesn't work. Sounds almost reasonable, sometimes discs are just fucked.

I look at the back of the game disc and, big surprise, I see an unthinkable amount of large surface scratches and child-size finger prints.
"So let me get this straight: You had us resurface the disc for you and now, through no fault of yours or your well-behaved respectful kids who happen to be tearing down full shelves in our game section and laying around the floor, the disc is now horribly scratched and doesn't work?"

She confirms. I stare.
As Drew said, trying to claim that her saintly children were responsible for this would clearly be character assasination.

I put this disc right up in her face and say "now, when we repair games it RESURFACES it, removing all scratches. Do you see these scratches here right now? These came from somewhere. Perhaps your kids are not handling the disc properly?"
She says "No, it was broken even after the machine fixed it"
I say "That maybe, but there were no scratches on it... where did they come from?"

This goes on for a minute and she never realizes or admits to the broken disc being from her kids abuse.
OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, WOMAN.

-Jordan, with the observations of Drew

Jeff's Quote of the Day

Here's the Jeff quote/conversation of the day, as I understand it to have happened

Jeff: yo, we should start our own show.
(Drew looks at Jeff thinking "yoo, you have a picture of your ass online, you're so genius")
Jeff: We could call it "COCKWORLD"
(Drew agrees, confirming that Jeff is a genius)
Jeff: Our slogan can be "Cockworld: Stand Your Ground"

Drew looks at Jeff and understands that he is now a legend in his own time.

Maybe that should be the new name of this website?? Let me know what you think

-Jordan

Man Teaches Daughter Foreign Language

Kina's Mexican Restaurant Quote of the Week:

After I bring his daughter her quesadilla a man leans over to her and says, "Honey, how do you say 'thank you' in Mexican?"

Idiot.

Any coffee, dessert, or maybe a punch in the face? - Kina

DVDs of the week

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.


My Baby Is Black!

If I can tell anything about this film based on the cover, it's about a sexy black man being seduced by a cartoon white woman... and the product of this bond of the flesh world and the ink world is a cartoon baby born totally in black ink. And it all takes place in France. Fucked up.

And as if that wasn't enough racial tension, you get "Checkerboard", another subtly-titled french art film depicting racial hatred fueled by the love of two crazy french youngsters. There is obviously a colorful cast of characters in this one: 2 passionate lovers, an angry man with a shotgun, a wise old black man, a wisely obese oriental stereotype (including Fu Manchu mustache), a buxom blonde vixen, and maybe a priest? (I guess when everything's in black and white it can be harder to tell men of the cloth) - all character types equally essential to tales of hatred and forbidden love. Apparently there is at least one wooden limb beating in this film, making true it's clain of "a tour of violence!".

Once again, the French get it right.

Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as gay in my opinion.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who just couldn't help his raw, Whitman-inspired lust, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path in life. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.

Popstar
Can I just say one thing without being judged? I LOVE The Carters. Nick and Aaron are two well adjusted, talented and uber-cute guys who have every right to sue their own mother for money she spent as their business manager.
Wait a minute, I'm not actually a pre-teen girl...
In that case, there's no possible way for me or anyone else not a pre-teen girl to enjoy this movie and I HATE the Carters.


If you read my other posts about horrible teen movies, you know full well that most of them have the main character folding his arms in some manner looking and some kind of wacky, and his co-star standingis  back to back with him looking at him like "you so crazy!". As you can see from the movie "Ganked," these movies never break from the formula. And thank God for that. As I'm known to say, I like my movies exactly like my other movies and like I like my coffee: brimming with sexy underage girls and funky dudes.





Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.




Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show
I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.



Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink. For this reason, and many others, I consider Trebek a terrorist.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? It doesn't even have a sexy model touching screens to reveal letters, it's just stupid old Trebek and his unsexy brainiac contestants. Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.


That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time. For this reason, and no other, I think this has been a succesful edition of the rarely updated and often skimmed over "DVD's Of The Week" series.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.

For more ridonkulous DVD's check out these classic posts:
Gay Movies Are SO Gay
Gay Movies Are SO Gay V. 2 - Gay Harder
DVD's Of The Week - Including Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet and NekRomantik
DVD's Of The Week - Including Teen Witch and Lou Ferrigno in Sinbad
DVD's Of The Week - Including Stallone's classic Over The Top, Twin Sitters and Movies with Chimps

'Arrested' and on Death Row, '7th' is going to Heaven, and other clever puns...

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell everyone this:

7th Heaven was CANCELED! Our society needs a family show with Christian values and we need it now, especially in thism post-911 world we live in. I've been addicted to the warmth and wit of 7th Heaven since it's first episode and I can't really imagine life without it. It was bad enough when they snatched Party Of Five from my fragile, aching hands, but now 7H? P5 and 7H weren't just cool because I could abbreviate their names to a letter and a number, they were just good, nay, GREAT TV, plain and simple. I tend to only like shows that have numbers in them. The networks just don't know what good TV is. 7th Heaven was the by far the best show on TV.


In other less important news, some show called Arrested Development was also canceled. I for one didn't really get that show. I mean, I guess they had unique and intelligent humor with a hilarious cast of characters, great writers, and won several Emmy's and unwavering critical acclaim for a reason, but come on... it was no 7H. I don't think anyone will be sad to see that one go. I guess you could say that their Development got Arrested, huh?

You can see clearly based on the pictures of each cast which show had more originality and quality. That's right, 7th Heaven.
-Jordan

A Cheeky Post for the ladies... aww yea

I've been holding out on the fans for a while, sitting on the best Media Wave picture of all time and not sharing it with the masses. It was the wishes of the party pictured that I conceal this photo from "Guys Gone Wild" with all of my ability, or pay him like 50 bucks for using it. Instead of doing either one, I'm going to post it without fear of retaliation because I know he never checks the blog anyway. Don't tell him I'm doing this...
Here it is: An employee to remain anonymous, let's just call him "Jeff", showing off what years of Mcdonalds and drinking does to your body and mind, this represents "Jeff"'s entire contribution to Media Wave. This is not for the eyes of small children or the owner of Media Wave to see...



In case you missed it the first time, here's another tasteful glimpse of "Jeff"'s bum for the ladies


I paraphrase Dana Carvey inpersonating George Michael: Don't turn away from it! It will control you! It's a perfect sphere!
Ladies you can email "Jeff" your sex fantasies and cell phone booty call numbers here

I'd like to point out he is watching the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer on the TV up there. Maybe that's what inspired this random act of pantsing.

-The Man With No Name

P.S. there really is a "Guys Gone Wild", look at both of the links. "Jeff" will be in one of these videos in the near future, we will see to that. Drew and I were debating about whether they just show dude's without their shirts, or if they show balls and/or dong too. Can anyone confirm or deny this and settle the life-long arguement that straight guys will never venture to find out for sure..

What is this world coming to?: A plea to 50 Cent

What has this world come to?
Just when you thought there was a few things you could rely on to be true and constant in this world:
that puppies are cute, that ice cream is yummy, that chicks love it, that there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that 50 Cent is a bad ass mothafucka who doesn't waste time bullshitting with annoying white bitches...

Oh wait, scratch that last one.
This morning I woke up to hear my mom watching the Nobel Prize winning TV show for women to watch when Opera isn't on, "The View" and who was the guest star?
"ACTOR: 50 Cent"
nigga wha?

"Hoe make a pimp rich, I ain't payin bitch
Catch a date, suck a dick, shiiit, TRICK" - From his song "P.I.M.P."


"So why don't men like talking about menstruation? That is so like a man." - from their episode "Women: We're pretty annoying, aren't we?"

50, what happened?? How are you going to maintain your street cred after this? First you get a Vitamin Water flavor named after you and I didn't think it could get any whiter than health drinks. Since then you haven't even put out your own coma-enducing rapper energy/party drink (Pimp Juice, Crunk Juice) for little white kids to drink OR knifed anybody at an awards event, and now you make a heart-warming appearance on The View? I know Starr Jones (the black one) is also on that show, but after loosing 250 pounds, she also lost a large amount of soul. It's all in the ass, girl.

I'm not sure, but in liu of these menstruation-friendly/health-conscious choices I think one from "tha hood" might call 50 Cent a "wanksta", as opposed to a "gangsta".
He's definately going to need to get shot at least 3 more times for me to respect his gangstaness. At this rate he's going to be a guest on "Trading Spaces" and then have his own cooking show on TLC. Ordinarily these are things I would really want to watch, but not if he's going to be a little bitch.

-Jordan

Wipe that vacant stare off your face before I smack it off, kid

This dopey looking 11-13 year old kid walks in the store and I immediately recognize him as being really, really weird. I've rented to him before and he is like talking to a wall - he just stands there slowly processing what you've said to him and doesn't care at all for the qualities humans must have to function in society. He just fucking stands there. But he has been to the store plenty of times and he knows the drill - keep that in mind when you read this quick story.

So he comes up to the counter and, to his credit, actually has his membership card with him so I don't have to go through an aggrivating battle of him pronouncing his name at hyperspeed in an unintelligabely low tone of voice. (we get this all the time with preteens - me: "what's your last name?" kid: "Shmn" me: "WHAT?" kid: "Shhhhhmnnn" me: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING, KID?" kid: "SHHMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" me: "SPELL IT YOU LITTLE FUCK I DON'T NEED YOUR SHIT!" kid: "s-h-e-r-m-a-n" me: " HUH?? SPEAK UP! ARRGGH! FINE, FUCK your name! What's your GOD DAMN phone number")

So I bring up his account and say "ok well you have a game that was a few days late, can you pay for that today?"
The kid says "yes I can", so I go fetch him his game (why don't kids rent movies anymore? they are obsessed with fucking video games. This generation is going to have its majority totally unable to quote Ferris Bueller, and that is frankly a world I don't want to be in).
I total his charges and say "your total comes to $11.30"

he stares vacantly at me.
Totally uninterested in being professional with this bitch kid, I stare back at him for a good 30 seconds, giving him a "whhhhhhhhattt thhee FUCK!" look.

He takes his hand and slowly pushes his membership card foward across the counter back over to me as if to say "I'll be paying with this today"
I look him right in his empty eyes and say "that is your membership card. You just used it to access your membership account. You will need to be paying for this rental."

He stares at me with that same blank look on his face as if there is absolutely nothing in front of him.
I stare back at him.
After a while I continue, "You'll need to be paying for it WITH MONEY"

he stares.
I stare back.
I continue: "TODAY"
he stares.
Finally he says "um... oook.....

I'll be right back..."

He stands there for another 10 seconds and the darts out of the store leaving his membership card behind.

He didn't come back for over 2 hours.

He has been here plenty of times, I have personally rented to him plenty of times and each time he knew he had to pay at that time with cash. What in the fucking hell made him think he could hand me his membership card and he wouldn't have to pay?
He creeped me out. I had someone follow him home and whoop his ass.

-Jordan

Why is your grandma calling the store?

I just got this call that was the longest most unnecessary use of so many words I've ever heard.
Some people just aren't cut out for existing past the 1970s.

Caller: "Yes hello I am calling your store because I was told by a person I've known for a long time that you might carry the particular item that I have been looking for a while that is a movie to watch that I'd very much like to see. It is a movie, it is called "Hootch" and stars a well known actor named Tom Hanks and he stars in this and it is from the 1980's. My daughter has seen it and recommended I see it and that you might have this available to watch."

-"Ok, do you want this in video? or DVD?"

Caller: "I have a TV and I watch movies through the TV. The TV has something where you put something in the TV and it plays. Are D..V..Ds(?) the glass round things? No no I don't want that. I can't put the cirlce into my TV"

Me: "Ok miss well what you'll need to do first is go outside your house, open your fucking eyes and jump into this century. Yes, I know you're old but DVD players have been around for many years now. I know you're counting on dying before you ever need to buy any new technology in your house (and hopefully before you get behind the wheel), and lets all hope this is true"

-Jordan, the impatient one

Media Wave's new employee...

This week Media Wave got a new member to it's illustrious and depraved family. She's a little on the young side, but she's got plenty of movie knowledge, a couple of cute little eyes and a great work ethic.
She's definately cuter and more mentally capable than most of the employees. Since she's so cute, all of us had a round of heavy petting with her before she started working. Let me tell you, she does her fair share of licking, but of course like most girls who will lick you the first day she meets you, she's a real bitch.





Check out our new employee at work helping a customer at the register:















Awwww, it's a wittle puppy! Did you think I was talking about a human girl, you perv? I doubt anyone could have figured out the suprise Shyamalanian twist with my evasive and subtle language and double entendres.

Here are a few more pics of our girl in action:


Jeff is certainly used to having something small and white laying limp between his legs, but it's usually never this adorable.

Awwww... now what kind of a monster could say "What kind of shit are you listening to" or "You're going to CHARGE me for keeping it late? Listen, in my head I meant to return it on time. This is why Netflix is killing you." to this cute wittle fluffy wuffy face. I don't wanna sound like a queer er nothin, but look at those eyes! and that nose! that's the cutest little thing I've ever seen in my life. Glad to have her on the team!

Alternate Caption: AHHH SOMEONE STOP IT! THE BEAST IS HUNGRY FOR BLOOD AND IT'S FEEDING TIME! IT'S EATING MY FACE!

-Jordan, a little girly vagina when it comes to cute puppies

Uhhh anyone know....

where the hell WIGGGGGLlleeeeeeeeeeesss has been?? is he dead yet?

-jeff

(we couldn't find the *original* Wiggles post, oh well)

Trick Or Treat Bitch!

Someone just stuffed a big neon green shopping bag through the return slot which clearly says "DO NOT PUT BAGS IN THE RETURN SLOT". Oddly enough we have that sign because bags clog it. So I unclogged it and pull it out of the slot and I find that this mysterious bag is filled with...
body parts?
death threats?
dead animals?
used needles and condoms?
DVD returns?

Nope... Candy! yay candy!

I'm not really sure how to take this gesture. Was some lazy asshole just discarding their halloween candy in the best place they could find (a video store drop slot?) - keep in mind kids are in school so it's too early for any non-truant student to be finding ways to destroy our store. Is someone just giving us their garbage (wouldn't be the first time... we hired Kevin's brother, after all)? Or is some kind soul actually giving us a nice treat? But why anonymously?

Maybe it's from that woman who commented anonymously about our music tastes/store conduct trying to exact her revenge?

When I showed the bag to Jeff he looked through it, pulled out a lime tootsie roll and said "well, we're all going to die someday, right?" I don't blame him, flavored tootsie rolls are... to die for!

Candy might be my eventual downfall and cause of death, but not today bitch.

-Jordan

Cursing is finally reversed

Today Kevin told me about an extremely stupid question that he's been asked by customers - not once, not twice, not even thrice but four... times. (Nothing comes after thrice, sadly.)

Here's the situation:
People look at the Fever Pitch DVD and see that there is a special edition of it made for Red Sox fans. For that reason it is called the "curse reversed edition", refering to the Red Sox curse of never winning a world series since Babe Ruth set fire to an indian burial ground or something - a curse which was recently reversed in the last World Series (or some bullshit. As far as I know Boston played New York for control of the world... my sources have yet to confirm or deny this.)

Now here's the question posed to Kevin on several occasions:
"Does this 'Curse Reversed Edition' mean that the swear words have been taken out?"

WHAT THE NUTS? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? After all my many years working at this store and the last 2(?) writing this blog chronicling the behavior of idiots, I still had a double take and didn't believe that Kevin was seriously getting this question from anyone, let alone several people at different times. But it's true.
I hope we aren't the only ones who find this question to be compppppppletteely ridiculously stupid. Look at the fucking box! Do you really think that "curse reversed" means that scientists in the Hollywood labs actually made a breakthrough in technology where they can reverse cursing in a movie altogether? I mean, is that what you think? That they took out all the swears and called it "curse reversed"??? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT???
(Oh wait, isn't that sort of what Speilberg and Lucas did to sodomize their own classic films? In a way? Yes)

That's almost up there with one of the stupidest questions I've ever heard, which was about our disc repair machine. We have a large, homemade bread oven-lookin disc repair machine which through some kind of alchemy or miracle fixes damaged discs. (And no, the stupidest question is not: "what's that?"
- "it's a disc repair machine"
"what's it do?")
It fixes them by grinding off a tiiiny layer of the back of a DVD where the scratches are (hopefully) thereby removing what is causing the disc to skip.
So here is the question.. in question:
"So are you telling me this actually grinds off the back of the disc and replaces it with a new one?"
How exactly would it be able to remove the back of a disc and then put a new one on? The machine just materializes a new surface layer for a DVD?
Keep in mind that this question was asked right after I explained in detail how the simple process actually works.
Maybe I'm an elitist and maybe we seem to be very picky about what we consider to be a stupid question. It might seem reasonable to those not in the business of using a disc repair machine that it might be able to remove the back of a disc and then somehow replace it with a new one... but it doesn't sound reasonable to me at all and if you think it's a reasonable question then I know you're an idiot. So I hope this post clears things up and finally draws the line in the sand for everyone.

-Jordan

Media Wave: A Life In Pictures v. 2 / The Starfleet Academy

Here are some new pictures and at least one old one I may not have posted. Since the posts I've been working on are temporarily on hold and Drew is a little bitch and hasn't sent me the Media Wave Halloween 2005 pics yet, I had to throw something together for you fans out there starving for more.
This is the picture we took for The Weekly's "Best Video Store" picture. This was one of our "just havin' fun" poses where we geniusly use Paul as the straight man (totally out of character) and us as the wacky sidekicks. Paul seems to be giving the "why did I come to this photo shoot?" and "Do you see what I have to work with?" look.

Drew is sportin his velvet blue blazer... what a show off. I was not aware we could wear flashy blazers or I would have worn mine too....
We had also won the awards for "Sexiest Employees", "Most Sexified Store" and "Most Likely To Enduce An Orgasm In A Retail Store", but the pictures we shot for those were far to sexually explicit and never actually made it into the paper but remain in the personal collection of the Weekly staff. On the bad side, we also took home the feared "Worst In-Store Music" and "Most Likely To Drive Out Crotchity Old Hags" award.
*I'd like to note that this picture is particularly special because both Drew and I are wearing T Shirts designed by my man Beezo, and they are awesome. Check out his shirts and buy some for xmas presents or something gay like that.

Yea, it's a license plate that says "RISK K". What else is there to say? I'm hoping it's the name of a rapper or an R&B artist or something, but I'd be even more pleased if it was just someones vanity plate who genuinely considers themslves to be risque and wanted to make that word the one statement about themselves that the world just had to know.


Innocence Lost: The bathing suit (or lingerie?) of a young girl was found outside Media Wave on the brick side walk. Having had numerous Mardi Gras-esque sidewalk parties at the store where girls are prone to throw their discarded closes all around, this is not totally out of the ordinary for us to find such personal items. The owner of the bathing suit was later found at Drew Taylor's house waiting for a ride home.



Media RAVE is in full swing. We've talked about it for years, but finally our plan to cross breed the traditional video rental store with an all out ass-crazy rave has begun. Drew (AKA Dr. Beat) busted out his digital CD turntables on the counter and layed down some phat beats, mashing up obsure dance songs right in the middle of customers and returns. It was all going great for a while, the bitches were coming in droves (double meaning) and the drugs were rampant, until a bunch of people kept coming up and saying "this music makes me want to chew off my own ears and boil myself in a vat of acid". To that we simply replied
"We Crave the Rave, motherfucker!"



This is the one Halloween picture I took with my camera phone. It's not as funny as some of the other ones we got, but I mean.. it's pretty damn funny if you know Paul. Either way it will have to do. There is Paul dressed up as a knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", and behind him is Jeff dressed up like a douche bag. It was weird becasue I had no idea they sold giant douche bag costumes, but Jeff definately pulled it off.
Paul bought this officially licensed evil bunny from the movie and planned on attaching it to his neck with fake blood dripping down to show the bunny eating him alive. It didn't work out that way because only little bitch kids and their MILF moms come to trick or treat, and those stupid kids can't even handle us watching "Little Monsters" let alone see the store owner covered in blood from a little bunny eating his neck.
Try taking this picture out of its context and forget that you know it's from Halloween. Pretty fucked up.

And finally, I took this picture of a car parked at the library. What was I doing at the library, you ask? It wasn't anything lame like studying, I was trying to find out if they have porn there so I could look at it for free. Luckily, they do.
But if this isn't THE NERDIEST thing I've ever seen, then I don't know what is:

I'm all about having pride in your school. "Be true to your school" as the Beach Boys have said. But this isn't quite the same thing... or is it?
For those that don't know, the Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek reference. I thought that was geeky enough right there, but then I did some quick research and found that this really is some kind of internet school. Check out their webpage: Ms. Boselbottom's Finishing School for Nerds.
Here are excerpts from their Admissions page, Courses and Scholarships page that I thought were particularly amusing.

SOURCE MATERIALS NEEDED:
Answers to exams will depend on the topic. All answers can be found on the World Wide Web.

INSITUTES & COURSES:
College of The Fantasy Realm
Vulcan Academy of Science
Alien History and Culture
The Gorn Academy
Gorn Academy - Canada (my favorite)
School of Borg Technology
And of course the prerequisites:
School of Star Trek Chronology
Internet School of Online Chat
College of Sci-Fi Television

The Scholarships are as follows (the first are my favorites and the rest are just additionally funny ones):

**Patrick Stewart Scholarship for the Performing Arts This is for all those studying acting, dance, music or skills and training relating to the media. (of all the actors on Star Trek they chose Patrick Stewart to represent performing arts? It's definately because of the accent - people think it's sexy whether you're a man, woman or Klingon. I would have gone with Shatner for sure, or at least that guy who played Data. The only study material for this class besides "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes is Stewarts "Inside The Actor's Studio" episode.)

**Armin Shimmerman Scholarship for Profitable Business Rather tongue-in-cheek relating to his character, Quark. This scholarship is for business and management studies. (I love clever scholarships, especially ones involving anyone named Quark. )

**LeVar Burton Educational Scholarship This one is for those studying to be teachers or educators in some field. It relates to LeVar's interest in literacy and his program Reading Rainbow. (This is the scholarship I expect to apply for when registering. I've always loved the Reading Rainbow but since I've never been able to read I just enjoyed the pictures. But I do respect LeVar Burton for being a spokesperson for the blind book readers out there. I can't imagine how hard it must be to learn to read when you can't even see.)

DeForest Kelley/Dr. Leonard McCoy Medical Scholarship This is for medical studies and is varied from nursing school to physical therapy, pre-med to EMT-Paramedic, surgical technician to biomedical technician.

James Doohan/Montgomery Scott Engineering Scholarship This is the second most popular scholarship and covers any field related to engineering.

Space Explorers' Memorial Scholarship This honors the Mercury and Challenger astronauts and Russian cosmonauts that have died to further our efforts in space exploration. It is a "general duty" scholarship and applies to all courses of study. (No one space explorer in particular, but just any of them that may have died - because there have been so many. Little does the American public know, thousands of men & women get sent into space every week and never come back. But I'll tell you one thing - I'm not honoring any damn Comminauts. Those Ruskies can kiss my capitalist ass before they get any memorial to their space death out of me.)

The Law & Order Scholarship was started by a chapter for those studying Law Enforcement, no particular ST actor or actress involved. (That's pretty half-assed. They could have found some character relating to law! Why do they give Cap'n Kirk the shaft, they could have boasted him as a "law enforcer" or something. What kind of a Starfleet Academy Scholarship is it when they just give up like that?)

Can someone tell me if this is a real school or not? I really can't figure it out. I'm so surprised that this actually exists I think that knowing it is real would be too much for me in one day. Is the nerd at the library really a graduate? Is he an expert at Klingon Warfare and Borg Technology? I had to know so I went in to seek him out thinking I could surely spot such nerd, perhaps by his surgically implanted Vulcan ears or at least by seeking out the weird looking old loner type. Then I realized - I'm in a library! Everyone there is a nerd or an old weirdo loner. So I left immediately.

That concludes this week's "Media Wave: A Life In Pictures". More Halloween pictures coming soon, along with a bunch of other shit I dont have time to finish. In the meantime check all the archives that you haven't read and tell your friends to check this website. The website name and/or address will be changing soon... more on that and why it is changing later.

-Jordan

I'm sorry, your rental history must have slipped my mind

This woman just came in and asked to exchange a video that she had just rented a few hours ago for something else claiming "my girls had already seen this one, get I get something else?"
Being a reasonable person I said "yea sure no problem"with a smile
and then she throws in "yea, you really should have said something if you knew we already rented it..." with a bit of an attitude
I'm sorry, what? I should have reminded you of what YOU rented? Are you mental?

How is it my responsibility to remind you want you've rented already? What if you wanted to see it twice?
Of course I would tell her the last few movies she rented if she had asked, but I had no idea what she had rented. I don't just go through customers rental history to make sure beyond a doubt that they aren't renting something twice. Try being responsible for yourself, lady. And don't give me any fucking attitude or next time I will say "Ma'am it's been 4 1/2 hours since you rented this item, that is more than enough time to watch this film twice and therefore I can't rightfully give you an exchange for something you could have just watched."

*sigh* people... right?

-Jordan