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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Monday, November 21, 2005

A couple of things that contributed to my loss of faith in humanity

Here is another classic Jeff quote from this week, followed by 3 examples of why I am not at all saddened by the impending Robot Apocalypse, the slaughter of human kind.


My sister was telling Jeff about the cult horror movie "Cannibal Holocaust" and said "they rape women and then eat them alive"
to which Jeff replies, "Hell yea nigga, ain't no other way to live. South Bronx! Concrete Jungle, baby!"
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This douche bag comes in and asks me to throw his cup away for him. I ask him if his cup is empty and he says yes. He hands me his cup which is at least half full. I look down at the cup and then look up at him with utter bewilderment in my eyes, he just walks away.

Perhaps he thought I was asking a philosphical question about his outlook on life? I guess after all this shit I still see the cup as half full.
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This guy with his kid are in the store buying "Madagascar" on DVD. The customer waiting in line behind him starts up a quick, pointless conversation about the movie. Then randomly in a sudden change of tone from friendly to stern and out of line, the customer waiting says to the one buying the DVD
"One thing you need to know: Don't use the TV as a babysitter. It comes back to bite you in the ass later in life..."
The guy buying Madagascar is pretty taken aback and says "yea.. yea, well, I don't. Usually it's an educational tool like Sesame Street and such.."
and the rude guy says "yea, still..."

weird.
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This woman comes in the store and asks if we have a computer with the internet here.
Curious as to why she would ask such a question, assuming it's going to be something strange and annoying, I say "yees.... why?..."
and she says "Do you mind if I use it to check my email?"
I look at her, again with utter bewilderment in my eyes, and all that comes out of my mouth is "uhh..... Paul, is it ok if this woman comes in just to use our internet??", and he says "um, I suppose. If you're quick".
Keep in mind that this internet computer is BEHIND THE COUNTER. Also keep in mind that this women is NOT a customer. She just came in the store randomly hoping we had internet.

So she comes behind the counter, interupting what we were doing, and then TAKES A CELL PHONE CALL while checking her email, and stays on the phone and on our computer for at least 5 minutes.
Paul and I are standing there looking at eachother like, "is this really happening?".
She carries on her loud and obnoxious cell phone conversation as if suddenly she hasn't just stepped into a random place of business of which she is not a patron to use their internet, but as if maybe she was in her own car where she could have an obnoxious cell phone conversation in privacy while she's cutting people off and not using her blinkers.
Finally she apologizes, while on her cell phone, and runs out.

What the balls?

-Jordan

3 Comments:

  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    My dad is an optometrist. It takes twenty minutes, tops, to have an appointment with my dad unless you have a third eye or you have seen Novocaine too many times and you're blind (because Novicaine is, in fact, a dentist terror movie - as far as I know no movies playing on the horrible terror that accompanies a visit to the optometrist has ever been made, because there is no horrible terror and, come to think of it - really think now - blind people don't go to see the optometrist or watch movies because they're blind. Did I just blow your mind? Because that's what I sent here to do.)
    Anyways, stay on target, ...So one of my dad's better stories (and there are many good stories including one which may or may not involve projectile vomit and an entirely seperate anecdote which may or may not involve projectile diarrhea) is about a "very busy woman" (prostitute) who answered her cell phone five times in the course of one twenty-minute exam with no apology or explanation. Although after experiencing this torrential downpour of ludicrous verbiage, my father does faintly remember that when he introduced himself to the lady the only thing she said was "My Cell Phone Is My Life." Fortunately my father has a lot of other things to fill his life with and so after the exam he told her politely but firmly to find a new optometrist. Ahh, the pleasures of small business ownership. I think my father would write a great blog about his experiences with various insane/egomaniacal/clinically depressed/scatterbrained/greedy/lying/scheming/senseless/airheaded patients over the years but, alas, he never learned to read.

     
  • At 10:17 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    hahaha thats fucking awesome.
    your dad obviously rules.

    i actually also have a great dental cell phone story, though i hestiate to share it if im not writing it in a post because thats the way i've started to think..

    fuck it, no one reads teh comments, or the blog anyway

    So I'm 2nd in line at ticketmaster to get Nine Inch Nails tickets for fucking Hammerstein Ballroom (that show was the bits), and a few people down in line from me is this 300 pound middle aged woman with a cane, perhaps because of her weight im not sure.
    She starts regailing the crowd with her story:
    she told us about how her daughter NEVER misses a NIN show in the tristate area, no matter what. When she heard about this particular show she had to be on a train when tickets went on sale. Frantic, she called her mom on her cell phone asking her to go to a ticketmaster outlet and buy the tickets for her.

    Little did the daughter know, the mom was IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROOT CANAL when she took the cell phone call.
    Being a good mother (?), she took the ticket request seriously and instead of breaking the important tradition of a NIN show she told her doctor to take a mofuckin rain check.

    That's fucking hardcore.

    -JORDAN

     
  • At 10:26 PM, Blogger Scarletizm said…

    Wow haha. People are fucking ridiculous nowadays. I can just imagine how your blog is going to get worse and worse.

    When I was working I got waaay too irritated with people that it wasn't cool. I mean I didn't show it but when I got home everyone felt it.

    That cup incident... I would have told him something sarcastic. haha But I like how you said he had mistaken your question for "is the glass half full or half empty?"

    good stuff.

     

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