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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Gay Movies Are SO Gay

(Check out Vol. 2: Gay Movies Are So Gay: Gay Harder)

In this feature we explore some of the gayest movies we've ever come across (no pun intended.. oh alright, pun intended.). We don't mean "gay" like the way the kids are saying everything is gay these days, but in its original Greek meaning: beautiful young boys playing hopscotch, and sweaty man-ass ramming. When I say gay movies I mean that Blockbuster would rather carry a venereal disease than these movies. These movies are gayer than a Wham video, gayer than a Donna Summer concert, gayer than Double Rainbow Ice Cream, gayer than Coldplay, gayer than drinking Zima... with a straw, even gayer than two sexy guys performing oral sex on eachother...
This is funny to us not because we are homophobic but because we are immature.
Note: None of these movies are actually considered porn. They are erotic comedies/dramas that are extremely sexual, but are not porn. Hence why it occured to me that it's hilarious that something SOO sexual could be considered a regular drama. I just realized some of you might not know this before hand.That's why you won't find "Kiss Me Guido" or "Assplungers vol. 14" because one is a real comedy and one is a real porn. These films walk the line inbetween.

So again, these movies are found on our regular Drama and Comedy sections where kids looking for "Rookie Of The Year" and "Rocky" can stumble upon them*


Slutty Summer - "A somewhat romantic comedy"
The title just about says it all. You could say it really grabs you...
This is just about the gayest cover of any non-hardcore porn movie I've ever seen in my life, and believe me, I've seen em all!

Here are the actual review quotes on the add:
"Welcome to Jerry Falwell's worst nightmare" - The Village Voice
"Lascivious" - Time Out New York
This is the first and only time you will ever see the word "Lascivious" used as an advertised movie review.

This soon-to-be classic is described as "A gay version of 'Sex and the City'". I usually use that same line to describe "Rescue Me".

As a straight guy, I've tried the ol' "dong in popcorn box" trick and it only results in the ol' "dong in severe pain" effect, which is decidedly negative and not quite the desired effect. I suppose it works for gay guys, and good for them.

Uber Gay special features include: "Who's a slut?" street interviews by star Jesse Archer...
Interviews include that guy who works at Abercrombie, that guy who works at Urban Outfitters and that guy who rented "The Fluffer" 14 times.


The Hole - "Before you're gay... you see the hole" (wow, that's gay!)
Another title that speaks for itself.
From the director of 2001's smash hit, The Fluffer (if you're unfamiliar with this term, click on the link please), comes this new extremely creative parody of The Ring. It is part of the Guilty Pleasures Collection and I can't really understand why a simple horror movie would be a "guilty" pleasure. You judge for yourself. Here's the synopsis:
"The film begins with two youing men hearing the legend of a video tape that when watched will turn you gay in seven days. It turns out that some of the local boys have already seen the tape and have begun idolizing Judy Garland. They try watching straight porn to no avail; these boys have "gone gay". It's then that a journalist arrives to investigate the phenomenon and he watches the tape. Of course, the jounalist turns gay as well!
With loads of handsome, naked young guys, lots of wit and even a message buried amongst all these gay converts, Wash West has crafted yet another great film".

*Perhaps the religious right in this Gay-fearing country who are out their doing their part to turn gay men straight can impliment a similar tool of conversion. I'm sure there must be a video tape out there that turns gay men straight. It's pretty much as simple as that. Either that or through prayer, because there's nothing gay about getting on your knees and asking to be filled with the spirit *

"The Hole" stars guys with great names like Jason Adonis(Greek=Gay), Tag Eriksson, Josh Hammer and my personal favorite, Rex Everything. There hasn't been a more obviously gay movie since, well, "The Fluffer". Not only is the title less than subtle, and not only does it feature a rippling muscle-bound and particularly gay looking stud on the cover, but it also has a hilarious picture of two shirtless men both deep-throating bananas on the back.

Well that's it for this week's edition of Gay Movies Are So Gay, I hope you learned something. I know I did. Let me again make clear that this is in no way attacking gay culture or people, just mocking their hilarious movies, just like I do with straight people movies.

-Jordan Hammer

11 Comments:

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  • At 12:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    WTF is "static banner related stuff"??!! Good god, you get a lot of blog spam. Consider turning on the type-a-bunch-random-letters confirmation thingy, it might help you. Regarding this post, as I have many gay friends I find your post...absolutely hilarious. Do you like Coldplay? Sorry, 40 YO Virgin JUST came out here and it was magically delicious to me!

     
  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Emily said…

    Oh where oh where did you ever find that video of that kid? That's something one of my friends would have done sitting in our living room--in earnest. And as a lesbian, I found this post hilarious! :) Thanks for the much-needed pick-me-up...

    -Em

     
  • At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    Yea i discussed that comment password stuff with drew and he was like 'that shit is gay, who wants to type some letters. thats gay' so i didnt bother. but maybe i do because we surely do get too much spam.

    on the other hand coming to the site to see 13 comments on one post makes me happy and i chose not to acknowlege that they are spam comments.

     
  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger Beach Raceway said…

    feel free to come on in and check it out anytime. :)

     
  • At 11:17 AM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    Dude I can't believe you turned on word verification. That shit is so gay.

     

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