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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Clerk 1, Customer 0! / Luis Guzman walks among us

I just helped this woman who had "Kicking and Screaming" 1 day late. I informed her of this and she said "oh no.. no no no, I returned that 2 days ago"
I check the drawer... No disc.
"Are you absolutely sure you returned it? Maybe it's in your car?"
Her: "No, absolutely not. I remember becuase I had the kids with me and I returned it in your slot" (sexy)
Me: "ook... regardless of who you were with or why you think you remember, the disc is not here. Maybe you returned an empty case? It happens all the time"
Her: "well, I'm sure you'll find it becuase I don't have it"
Me: "well, either way please try to look for it at your house"

She was extremely insistant about the fact that there is no chance whatsoever that she is somehow mistaken and that trained employees and a computer and the evidence of no disc in the drawer were wrong. It was almost to the point of being offensive to me saying in other words "I don't care what you say, I returned it and that's that".

Well, she called me 30 minutes later and told me she found it in her DVD player and must have returned an empty case.
What the fuck did I just tell you?
She wasn't even willing to accept the idea that she could be wrong and that we deal with this ALL THE TIME, and then she had to eat her fuckin words, take her head out of her ass and call me to tell me she was wrong.

I try to understand how people feel. If you think you did something, no one can tell you you didn't do it, even if you didn't. If I was a total moron and couldn't keep track of whether or not I actually took the DVD out of my player and wasn't just returning a CLEAR CASE with nothing in it, I would probably feel confident about my intelligence and fight the employees at a video store if they suggested that I could possibly make an idiot move like RETURNING A CLEAR CASE WITH NOTHING IN IT!
Let's go over this once more: You rented a DVD and put it in your DVD player. You were in such a huge fucking rush to return it (late) that you didn't bother taking it out of your DVD player or putting the disc back in its clear, see-through box. At no time during your long journey between your living room and the video store return slot did you once glance at the DVD box because if you had you would have seen right through it, as it is clear and if it contained anything you would have seen this object instead of the car seat material it rested on. Then you put it in the return slot, still not noticing that it was empty, and since then you haven't turned on your DVD player once.
I simply do not understand this.

I feel so vindicated. I feel like I could go around town telling everyone they are wrong, because I know that they are.
Sure, we make mistakes, but usually it is the customer who is wrong and when they have to outright admit to it, an angel gets its wings.


This guy comes up to pay late fees on 4 movies that were late. I tell him they were 3 days late, all together its $6.75.
Him: "per day?" he asks.
Me: "No, that's the total."
Him: "So it was what, 2 dollars a day?"
Me: "No, what? A day or each disc? most of them were 50 cents a day. One of them was 75 cents a day."
Him: "right"
Me: "They were 3 days late. Add it up - 50 times 3 is $1.50. 75 times 3 is $2.25. 1.50 times 3 is $4.50, plus $2.25 is $6.75"
Him: "Right. Ok. Can I have a reciept?"
Me: "...suuure you can"

Did I mention that his name is Luis Guzman, Jr!!!?! Luis Guzman is the single greatest actor of our generation. I don't usually like posting anyones real name on here, but this is an absolute miracle, or at least a humorous coincidence.

I wonder if he knows how awesome his name is and who it's connected to. More importantly, I wonder if he is actually the son of the famed character actor/muse of Steven Soderberg.

I plan on one day working with Guzman, maybe doing a buddy cop movie of some kind. Can you see it: Guzman is a hard-boiled NYC detective who plays by his own rules and answers only to his gun and God. He has the phrase "vaya con dios" tattooed on his chest and has been shot twice - each one just making him more thirsty for street vengence. He didn't want a partner, but after he pistol whipped the a cousin of the Mayor, he has to be put in line.
I play a goofy anger management therapist assigned by the courts to tag along with Guzman and make sure he keeps his dangerous attitude in check. Oh man it's going to be hilarious and action packed, and chock full of plenty of ethnic jokes.



  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    There are three kinds of people in this world:

    1. People who never return empty DVD cases because they aren't total fucking retards.

    2. People who occassionally return empty DVD cases because they are total fucking retards but accept that they did this and know they are capable of being total fucking retards.

    3. People who habitually return emtpy DVD cases and will never accept the fact that they are total fucking retards.

    I prefer to spend my time with the first type. I will sometimes agree to drink heavily with those of the second breed. I intentionally aim my car at the third variety when driving through crowded intersections.

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger Johnny Babu said…

    why don't you do more like really yell at these people, make them feel like shit, remind them that they're stupid and that they're wrong. i mean, it seems like you're good friends with your boss so really you're not gunna get fired. i mean, if you don't wanna do it can i spend my free time just sitting in your store yelling at stupid people? i really would love to do that, it's kinda my specialty.

  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    Johnny you are UNofficially invited to do so.
    I can't do it myself because although I like to think I have a good relationship with my boss, I could most definately get fired for outright yelling at customers (well, on the other hand Kevin hasn't been fired yet).
    Either way, the unfortunate thing about me and the reason this blog exists but isn't totally on the "Clerks" side of things is that I understand that it's not my business or my money that I'm loosing if I yell at customers. I also am not a mean person and prefer to make fun of them behind their backs... cause that's nice.

    In a perfect world I would keep a glove under the counter and slap people in the face all the time, ridiculing them, and starting many a duel.

  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger Zombie Drew said…

    I once thoughtfully planned out a sequel/spin-off movie to "TRAFFIC" involving Don Cheadle and Luis Guzman. It would have been called "Coffey & Salsa." And it would have been grand. Budget: $50 million. Screenwriter: Radio Free Burke. Imagine it. Just imagine it.

  • At 1:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Johnny, there isn't enough time in the day to yell at stupid customers. You'd be out of breath, besides you wouldn't be yelling much since you probably couldn't stop laughng.

    Life really is funny!

  • At 4:34 PM, Blogger Scarletizm said…

    Oh wow.... I feel like I'm right all the time too. But at the same time I realize that stupid things like with this woman has and can happen to me and because of that I always check.

    This reminds me of when I didn't borrow this chicks notebook and she persisted that I did. But I knew I didn't because it wasn't in my backpack and I don't take anything out of my backpack when I go home. (Homework is for losers)

    Anyways I have to end this because I'm on some kids computer who will probably shank me. yea he's doing it now.


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