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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Friday, November 04, 2005

Media Wave: A Life In Pictures v. 2 / The Starfleet Academy

Here are some new pictures and at least one old one I may not have posted. Since the posts I've been working on are temporarily on hold and Drew is a little bitch and hasn't sent me the Media Wave Halloween 2005 pics yet, I had to throw something together for you fans out there starving for more.
This is the picture we took for The Weekly's "Best Video Store" picture. This was one of our "just havin' fun" poses where we geniusly use Paul as the straight man (totally out of character) and us as the wacky sidekicks. Paul seems to be giving the "why did I come to this photo shoot?" and "Do you see what I have to work with?" look.

Drew is sportin his velvet blue blazer... what a show off. I was not aware we could wear flashy blazers or I would have worn mine too....
We had also won the awards for "Sexiest Employees", "Most Sexified Store" and "Most Likely To Enduce An Orgasm In A Retail Store", but the pictures we shot for those were far to sexually explicit and never actually made it into the paper but remain in the personal collection of the Weekly staff. On the bad side, we also took home the feared "Worst In-Store Music" and "Most Likely To Drive Out Crotchity Old Hags" award.
*I'd like to note that this picture is particularly special because both Drew and I are wearing T Shirts designed by my man Beezo, and they are awesome. Check out his shirts and buy some for xmas presents or something gay like that.

Yea, it's a license plate that says "RISK K". What else is there to say? I'm hoping it's the name of a rapper or an R&B artist or something, but I'd be even more pleased if it was just someones vanity plate who genuinely considers themslves to be risque and wanted to make that word the one statement about themselves that the world just had to know.


Innocence Lost: The bathing suit (or lingerie?) of a young girl was found outside Media Wave on the brick side walk. Having had numerous Mardi Gras-esque sidewalk parties at the store where girls are prone to throw their discarded closes all around, this is not totally out of the ordinary for us to find such personal items. The owner of the bathing suit was later found at Drew Taylor's house waiting for a ride home.



Media RAVE is in full swing. We've talked about it for years, but finally our plan to cross breed the traditional video rental store with an all out ass-crazy rave has begun. Drew (AKA Dr. Beat) busted out his digital CD turntables on the counter and layed down some phat beats, mashing up obsure dance songs right in the middle of customers and returns. It was all going great for a while, the bitches were coming in droves (double meaning) and the drugs were rampant, until a bunch of people kept coming up and saying "this music makes me want to chew off my own ears and boil myself in a vat of acid". To that we simply replied
"We Crave the Rave, motherfucker!"



This is the one Halloween picture I took with my camera phone. It's not as funny as some of the other ones we got, but I mean.. it's pretty damn funny if you know Paul. Either way it will have to do. There is Paul dressed up as a knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", and behind him is Jeff dressed up like a douche bag. It was weird becasue I had no idea they sold giant douche bag costumes, but Jeff definately pulled it off.
Paul bought this officially licensed evil bunny from the movie and planned on attaching it to his neck with fake blood dripping down to show the bunny eating him alive. It didn't work out that way because only little bitch kids and their MILF moms come to trick or treat, and those stupid kids can't even handle us watching "Little Monsters" let alone see the store owner covered in blood from a little bunny eating his neck.
Try taking this picture out of its context and forget that you know it's from Halloween. Pretty fucked up.

And finally, I took this picture of a car parked at the library. What was I doing at the library, you ask? It wasn't anything lame like studying, I was trying to find out if they have porn there so I could look at it for free. Luckily, they do.
But if this isn't THE NERDIEST thing I've ever seen, then I don't know what is:

I'm all about having pride in your school. "Be true to your school" as the Beach Boys have said. But this isn't quite the same thing... or is it?
For those that don't know, the Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek reference. I thought that was geeky enough right there, but then I did some quick research and found that this really is some kind of internet school. Check out their webpage: Ms. Boselbottom's Finishing School for Nerds.
Here are excerpts from their Admissions page, Courses and Scholarships page that I thought were particularly amusing.

SOURCE MATERIALS NEEDED:
Answers to exams will depend on the topic. All answers can be found on the World Wide Web.

INSITUTES & COURSES:
College of The Fantasy Realm
Vulcan Academy of Science
Alien History and Culture
The Gorn Academy
Gorn Academy - Canada (my favorite)
School of Borg Technology
And of course the prerequisites:
School of Star Trek Chronology
Internet School of Online Chat
College of Sci-Fi Television

The Scholarships are as follows (the first are my favorites and the rest are just additionally funny ones):

**Patrick Stewart Scholarship for the Performing Arts This is for all those studying acting, dance, music or skills and training relating to the media. (of all the actors on Star Trek they chose Patrick Stewart to represent performing arts? It's definately because of the accent - people think it's sexy whether you're a man, woman or Klingon. I would have gone with Shatner for sure, or at least that guy who played Data. The only study material for this class besides "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes is Stewarts "Inside The Actor's Studio" episode.)

**Armin Shimmerman Scholarship for Profitable Business Rather tongue-in-cheek relating to his character, Quark. This scholarship is for business and management studies. (I love clever scholarships, especially ones involving anyone named Quark. )

**LeVar Burton Educational Scholarship This one is for those studying to be teachers or educators in some field. It relates to LeVar's interest in literacy and his program Reading Rainbow. (This is the scholarship I expect to apply for when registering. I've always loved the Reading Rainbow but since I've never been able to read I just enjoyed the pictures. But I do respect LeVar Burton for being a spokesperson for the blind book readers out there. I can't imagine how hard it must be to learn to read when you can't even see.)

DeForest Kelley/Dr. Leonard McCoy Medical Scholarship This is for medical studies and is varied from nursing school to physical therapy, pre-med to EMT-Paramedic, surgical technician to biomedical technician.

James Doohan/Montgomery Scott Engineering Scholarship This is the second most popular scholarship and covers any field related to engineering.


Space Explorers' Memorial Scholarship This honors the Mercury and Challenger astronauts and Russian cosmonauts that have died to further our efforts in space exploration. It is a "general duty" scholarship and applies to all courses of study. (No one space explorer in particular, but just any of them that may have died - because there have been so many. Little does the American public know, thousands of men & women get sent into space every week and never come back. But I'll tell you one thing - I'm not honoring any damn Comminauts. Those Ruskies can kiss my capitalist ass before they get any memorial to their space death out of me.)

The Law & Order Scholarship was started by a chapter for those studying Law Enforcement, no particular ST actor or actress involved. (That's pretty half-assed. They could have found some character relating to law! Why do they give Cap'n Kirk the shaft, they could have boasted him as a "law enforcer" or something. What kind of a Starfleet Academy Scholarship is it when they just give up like that?)


Can someone tell me if this is a real school or not? I really can't figure it out. I'm so surprised that this actually exists I think that knowing it is real would be too much for me in one day. Is the nerd at the library really a graduate? Is he an expert at Klingon Warfare and Borg Technology? I had to know so I went in to seek him out thinking I could surely spot such nerd, perhaps by his surgically implanted Vulcan ears or at least by seeking out the weird looking old loner type. Then I realized - I'm in a library! Everyone there is a nerd or an old weirdo loner. So I left immediately.

That concludes this week's "Media Wave: A Life In Pictures". More Halloween pictures coming soon, along with a bunch of other shit I dont have time to finish. In the meantime check all the archives that you haven't read and tell your friends to check this website. The website name and/or address will be changing soon... more on that and why it is changing later.

-Jordan

3 Comments:

  • At 8:14 PM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    I think the performing arts scholarship namesake is appropriate as Patrick Stewart is considered one of the finest living interpreters of Shakespeare. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I am a huge nerd. But you honestly owe me a lot more because of that "Comminauts" joke. I mean, come on, who are you...Kevin Smith?

     
  • At 12:53 AM, Anonymous Emily said…

    I saw a quite humerous license plate at my store one afternoon. (Please keep in mind that it was during last season of "The Surreal Life.") It was a mini van with the license plate reading "Da Brat." And you'd think a bitchy teenager owned it right? Nope! A soccer mom!

     
  • At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Michelle said…

    The sad thing is my dad would see that starfleet academy sticker and stalk them to find out where they got it. His dying wish is to have his ashes shot up into space like the man who played scotty. Bless my dear daddy and his poetic lameness.

     

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