DVDs of the week

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.


My Baby Is Black!

If I can tell anything about this film based on the cover, it's about a sexy black man being seduced by a cartoon white woman... and the product of this bond of the flesh world and the ink world is a cartoon baby born totally in black ink. And it all takes place in France. Fucked up.

And as if that wasn't enough racial tension, you get "Checkerboard", another subtly-titled french art film depicting racial hatred fueled by the love of two crazy french youngsters. There is obviously a colorful cast of characters in this one: 2 passionate lovers, an angry man with a shotgun, a wise old black man, a wisely obese oriental stereotype (including Fu Manchu mustache), a buxom blonde vixen, and maybe a priest? (I guess when everything's in black and white it can be harder to tell men of the cloth) - all character types equally essential to tales of hatred and forbidden love. Apparently there is at least one wooden limb beating in this film, making true it's clain of "a tour of violence!".

Once again, the French get it right.

Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as gay in my opinion.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who just couldn't help his raw, Whitman-inspired lust, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path in life. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.

Popstar
Can I just say one thing without being judged? I LOVE The Carters. Nick and Aaron are two well adjusted, talented and uber-cute guys who have every right to sue their own mother for money she spent as their business manager.
Wait a minute, I'm not actually a pre-teen girl...
In that case, there's no possible way for me or anyone else not a pre-teen girl to enjoy this movie and I HATE the Carters.


If you read my other posts about horrible teen movies, you know full well that most of them have the main character folding his arms in some manner looking and some kind of wacky, and his co-star standingis  back to back with him looking at him like "you so crazy!". As you can see from the movie "Ganked," these movies never break from the formula. And thank God for that. As I'm known to say, I like my movies exactly like my other movies and like I like my coffee: brimming with sexy underage girls and funky dudes.





Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.




Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show
I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.



Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink. For this reason, and many others, I consider Trebek a terrorist.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? It doesn't even have a sexy model touching screens to reveal letters, it's just stupid old Trebek and his unsexy brainiac contestants. Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.


That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time. For this reason, and no other, I think this has been a succesful edition of the rarely updated and often skimmed over "DVD's Of The Week" series.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.

For more ridonkulous DVD's check out these classic posts:
Gay Movies Are SO Gay
Gay Movies Are SO Gay V. 2 - Gay Harder
DVD's Of The Week - Including Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet and NekRomantik
DVD's Of The Week - Including Teen Witch and Lou Ferrigno in Sinbad
DVD's Of The Week - Including Stallone's classic Over The Top, Twin Sitters and Movies with Chimps