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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, November 10, 2005

Wipe that vacant stare off your face before I smack it off, kid

This dopey looking 11-13 year old kid walks in the store and I immediately recognize him as being really, really weird. I've rented to him before and he is like talking to a wall - he just stands there slowly processing what you've said to him and doesn't care at all for the qualities humans must have to function in society. He just fucking stands there. But he has been to the store plenty of times and he knows the drill - keep that in mind when you read this quick story.

So he comes up to the counter and, to his credit, actually has his membership card with him so I don't have to go through an aggrivating battle of him pronouncing his name at hyperspeed in an unintelligabely low tone of voice. (we get this all the time with preteens - me: "what's your last name?" kid: "Shmn" me: "WHAT?" kid: "Shhhhhmnnn" me: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING, KID?" kid: "SHHMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" me: "SPELL IT YOU LITTLE FUCK I DON'T NEED YOUR SHIT!" kid: "s-h-e-r-m-a-n" me: " HUH?? SPEAK UP! ARRGGH! FINE, FUCK your name! What's your GOD DAMN phone number")

So I bring up his account and say "ok well you have a game that was a few days late, can you pay for that today?"
The kid says "yes I can", so I go fetch him his game (why don't kids rent movies anymore? they are obsessed with fucking video games. This generation is going to have its majority totally unable to quote Ferris Bueller, and that is frankly a world I don't want to be in).
I total his charges and say "your total comes to $11.30"

he stares vacantly at me.
Totally uninterested in being professional with this bitch kid, I stare back at him for a good 30 seconds, giving him a "whhhhhhhhattt thhee FUCK!" look.

He takes his hand and slowly pushes his membership card foward across the counter back over to me as if to say "I'll be paying with this today"
I look him right in his empty eyes and say "that is your membership card. You just used it to access your membership account. You will need to be paying for this rental."

He stares at me with that same blank look on his face as if there is absolutely nothing in front of him.
I stare back at him.
After a while I continue, "You'll need to be paying for it WITH MONEY"

he stares.
I stare back.
I continue: "TODAY"
he stares.
Finally he says "um... oook.....

I'll be right back..."

He stands there for another 10 seconds and the darts out of the store leaving his membership card behind.

He didn't come back for over 2 hours.

He has been here plenty of times, I have personally rented to him plenty of times and each time he knew he had to pay at that time with cash. What in the fucking hell made him think he could hand me his membership card and he wouldn't have to pay?
He creeped me out. I had someone follow him home and whoop his ass.

-Jordan

2 Comments:

  • At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Michelle said…

    How old is this kid? I get an image in my head of Jason from Home Movies and I am laughing out loud just thinking about it.

     
  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Michelle said…

    The best was when you explained this story to my mom

     

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