Best DVD Cover EVER

Slip N Slide Presents Dirty South: Raw & Uncut!
This is without a doub the best cover art of any DVD... EVER. Gaze into it for a few minutes without stopping... This picture represents everything about the philosophy of Media Wave. We all duuurrrrrtty souff up in hurr!!
I put this up on the media wave computer as the background wallpaper, but its trooff was quickly silenced by the iron fist of Paul. Nevertheless, its glory shall live on forever in the minds of the bootylicious blog readers.
I almost feel like this could be the jumpstart to an already growing new religious movement - the worshippers of the booty. the church of booty and bootyday saints.
Let me be the first to take my Polyphonic Spree robe off and replace it with a new garment of faith, perhaps leopard print short shorts.

All Hail Big Booty

-Jordan, email me for your pair of booty shorts to worship the ass god

Happy Halloween, bitches

Happy Halloween e'rrbody
Even though there will be little-to-no effort put forth by the Media Wave employees to embrace the holiday (other than eating all the stores candy that was meant for the kids, and of course actually brutally slaying sexy scantily-clad babysitters at night), I thought I'd post this link for all of your enjoyment.
It's the trailer for the most brilliant horror film ever made/one of my favorite movies of all time, The Shining... Reeeeemiiiiixxxxeedd (re-re-re-mm-re-mmixx-re-re-remixxeed)

It's one of the funnier things I've seen recently. While you're on that page if you want a real fright check out the disturbing video of two helicopters colliding in mid air. It's happened to the best of us, but seeing it in action is totally... weird.

If there are any funny halloween antics that happen today, I'll be sure to post them. So far the only thing we've is this adorable little kid saying
"I already trick or trunked yesterday"

-Jordan

Trapped In The Closet Complete Saga Preview

Among the greatest artists and poets of all time, one man stands out as the most innovative, the most inspiring, the most influential, the most prolific and creative musically and lyrically. He breaks more ground than he does hymans, he's the one who originally wanted to define the logic of our sexxx laws and now he's defining the logic of how long a song with the same continuous beat can be. He's R. KELLY and he's bringing the public the thrilling conclusion the his epic "urban operetta": Trapped In The Closet parts 6-12!
This masterpiece of stupidity somehow played the biggest musical joke on the world and got what should have been a clever parody of classic R. Kelly material and his laughable tendencies (like detailing every thing unneccesarily, writing lyrics like lists, being really dirty and blunt, and reusing the same beats) to be considered as a landmark of songwriting and longform video making.

The first 5 chapters gave us more twists and turns than you'd get riding on an icy road with a drunk driver, but with R. Kelly its a lot scarier... and sexier. Here's an attempt at a general synopsis of what I remember about the first 5 parts:

7 oclock in the mornin, Baretta, Closet, shit think shit think, He says "yes" I say "no" he says "yes "I say "no", Let's do it Christian-like, Gay Dude, Oh my God a rubber, Cop, Bitch get off my leg, You're the gretest lover, she says "Uhh" I say "uh what?!", Who the fuck is Roxanne??

Make whatever sense you want of that, I haven't.
My theory is that at the very end R. Kelly will end up being gay. It's called Trapped In The Closet, after all... I mean, commmee on!

This is only a preview of the upcoming chapters, and if it's anything as amazing as what I saw on Best Week Ever, well then we're in store for the greatest comedy gem this world has ever seen. All I know is that someone gets shot! yes! SHOT! Finally R.Kelly shuts his mouth and lets his baretta do the talking.
Check out my coverage of the VMAs HERE where R. performed bits and pieces of the next chapters LIVE where he played all the characters himself - at the same time. Needless to say, it was confusing. A lot of repeating names over and over, and I think you can expect at least 4 full minutes of that in the new chapters.

Also check out this post about the Trapped In The Closet Cliff's Notes and Pitchfork's horrible unbelievely positive review of the album where the review actually describes how R. Kelly's dong tastes as he was sucking on it.

The Complete Saga is coming out on Nov. 1st (THIS TUESDAY!!!) and hopefully we'll be getting it tomorrow, making Trapped In The Closet's reputation as a great musical work the best halloween costume ever. VH1 will be showing the whole longform video, a new staple in great filmmaking (ch. 1-5 are already being taught at NYU film school), on Wednesday night. I plan on having at least 1 viewing party before then. Contact us (see email link on right) to join the fun and check back for full, partial or half-assed coverage of the final chapter to, dare I say it, THE GREATEST WORK OF ART IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

-Jordan

Nerds are so lame / Shut up, Kid

This totally classic nerd kid (example to the right)came in with his friends to look at the video games and he decides to buy a soda. The soda is $1.25. He pulls out his wallet and yells across the store to his friends "ANYONE GOT A QUARTER??" They all yell back "Noo" and he says "I do. I just didn't want to break a dollar".

That struck me as pretty funny for a few reasons. One, to make a big deal out of the quarter as if he didn't have any more money than 1 dollar. Two, the idea that people go out of their way not to break bills. Normally it's a 50, a 20 or even a 10... but a 1 dollar bill? Come on. It's a dollar. I think it's mighty amusing that someone would sooner ask his friends to give him money than use his own.
And why are people so opposed to breaking bills? Big bills, much like rules, laws and hymans, are made to be broken. You have a wallet and its purpose is to hold bills. Having many bills does not mean you have less money, in fact makes you look like you have more. I love having 20 singles instead of a 20 dollar bill, I feel like a pimp. And since that's the largest amount of money I have to my name, I have to make the best of it.But I try to use a money clip with a diamond encrusted skull and cross bones on it as much as possible, so having a lot of bills is in my best interest.


Anyway, I told that stupid kid to shut the fuck and stop being a little bitch. So he did. Then when he started drinking his soda I tapped the bottom of the bottle so it spilled all up in his face. Then I laughed in his face. Fuck you, nerd. End of story.

Jordan

Daredevil isn't a lawyer, he's a cook at my school

If you get bad food served to you at a restaurant or a cafeteria you might cleverly exclaim to your lunching friends, "The chef here must be blind!". The idea of a blind chef of course makes your chums crack up - I mean to think of someone who can't see to be preparing your food! It's just preposterous.

Well I recently discovered that among the wiiiiiiiiiiide array of weird and humorous things going on behind the counter at my school cafeteria, one of the chefs is actually blind.
He wears dark Stevie Wonder glasses and walks around slapping the walls with a long white cane.
So far I haven't seen any of the obvious situation comedy-style hi-jinks that might take place in a cafeteria with a blind chef, for instance: knocking stuff over, using ketchup instead of mustard, using butter instead of cream cheese, burning his hands on the grills, mixing up peoples orders and people coming up to the counter and yelling at him, handing a plate of food to a wall thinking its a person, his seeing-eye dog attacking students and eating their food, frying the vegetables and boiling the french fries... all sorts of kooky stuff like that. I think if this were a TV show, in every episode one of the customers would come up to the cashier and say "Um, excuse me but is your cook BLIND??" and the cashier would look at him and then look at the camera with a smirk on her face and the audience would crack up knowing, of course, that he is. All the patrons might wonder "why do they have this blind cook working here if he keeps screwing everything up?" and there would be some crazy story like he is the crazy owner and insists on making all the meals himself, or that it is life long dream was to become a short-order cook despite his blindness and they are letting him fulfill it at this diner, or maybe just that everyone loves him!
The point is, I haven't seen these thigns happen... yet. (by the way, I claim all rights to this storyline as plot for a situation comedy and its characters. I imagine it will air on ABC in the fall season of 2008 and after it's first season will get picked up by UPN. Of course, in anticipation of that, the cook will have to be black and this would lend itself to numerous classic Stevie Wonder jokes and give the show that sassiness that it needs.)

On the other hand, perhaps he's more like Daredevil, the first handicapped(or handicapable) superhero, and he has superhuman senses even beyond those of your average blind man (we all know Stevie Wonder is superhuman, I mean your other average blind men... Wait a minute, new band name idea! The Average Blind Band!). Maybe being a short order cook in the disgusting cafeteria of a community college is just his day time front for his superhero double life!
I think next time I see him I'll ask.
Maybe, just maybe, it is he who will really be seeing me...


PS if you are a blind cook or you know one, the National Federation for the Blind has a helpful article for you called: Suggestions For The Blind Cook. Ironically, its only suggestion is "Don't. But if you do, apply for a job at a college cafeteria first."



-Jordan, questioning yet again why I eat at the school cafeteria.

Gay Movies Are SO Gay V.2: Gay Harder

In an attempt to write a more complete article for blogcritics.org, I recently added a variety of films to my "Gay Movies Are So Gay" post. Since I come with the quickness (not literally, ladies) I have another post ready in a pretty short amount of time. This just goes to show that I have no life and that I spend way too much time researching gay movies online.
*Note: None of these movies are actually considered porn. They are erotic comedies/dramas that are extremely sexual, but are not porn. Hence why it occured to me that it's hilarious that something SOO sexual could be considered a regular drama. I just realized some of you might not know this before hand.

So again, these movies are found on our regular Drama and Comedy sections where kids looking for "Rookie Of The Year" and "Rocky" can stumble upon them. The same applies to Vol. 1 of this feature*

So here it is, Gay Movies Are SO Gay Vol. 2: Gay Harder:

I left it out last time, so just for good merit, the aforementioned classic, the movie that started it all, the original "gayest gay movie" ever made: The Fluffer.
I mean, come on! I don't even know where to begin. Let's just say the movie is about a Fluffer... It needs no further explanation. The film is about a young actor who is fresh meat in Hollywood who falls in love with a gay porn star after mistakenly renting a gay porno instead of the what he thought was "Citizen Kane". Isn't that how it always gets started? I can't tell you how many times I've tried to rent "Doctor Zhivago" and got home only to realize it was "Doctor LongSchlongo", and I can't forget the time I rented "The Battle of the Bulge" but actually got "The Battle of the Bulge", which is actually a great drag queen drama. I don't even want to get into the different experiences trying to rent "Weekend At Bernie's" has gotten me.
And then oddly enough, this one time I tried to rent "Hung Wankenstein" but to my dismay got "Young Frankenstein" instead.

O Fantasma - I just picked this one because it is, along with "The Fluffer", the inspiration for this article because it is one of the most blatantly gay films not considered pornography. It seems that one of the only things an unquestionably erotic (nearly pornographic) film needs to shed its pornographic classification for that of "art" is to be in a foreign language. It works like a charm.
This is also a fitting picture for Media Wave because it is oddly reminiscent of the pose which Jeff forces on most of the employees during the course of any normal day. The words "just take it, bitch" are uttered far more than any of us care to admit.


Hustler White - Directed by Bruce LaBruce, the best director name ever. It also has the best quote used on a movie box art ever: "The difference between art and pornography is the lighting"
I think that line can be used for all of these movies and that's what makes them so funny. Is this a good review or a bad review? I guess that's up to what the viewer was looking for. Word on the street is that "Hustler White" is pretty disappointing either way, and I for one think that if you can't deliver a good story you should at least deliver porn, and if you can't deliver that then what the hell are you doing making a movie about a gay hustler?


Skin Flick/ No Skin Off My Ass - There's nothing more gay than white supremacy skin head street gangs... Or at least, that is my understanding based on these films. Both films, also directed by infamous director Bruce LaBruce, expose what is erotic about hatred, violence, rape and skin heads: absolutely nothing. In "Skin Flick", skin heads Dirk and Dieter aren't really all gay... They just have sex with each other and masturbate to it. Thank God that doesn't make you gay, cause here I thought if that was true then my whole group of friends and co-workers would be gay. At the very least, "No Skin Off My Ass" is the best title for a skin head movie, especially a gay skin head movie, in the history of gay skin head movies. At the same time, "Skin Flick" has the worst.
Is there a connection between these two gay skin head movies and the movie called "Hustler White", all directed by Bruce LaBruce? Is BLB a gay racist? It would seem that way to me... I guess if there are gay Republicans there are also gay racists... But then again, perhaps they are one in the same. (haha)

Finally, The M.O. of M.I. (The Modus Operandi of Male Intimacy)
This is actually supposed to be a decent movie, gay or otherwise, but it's absolutely the worst title ever, especially for a gay movie whose claim to notoriety isn't humorously lame plots and explicit gay sex. The first time I saw this DVD I literally laughed out loud because at first I just saw "The M.O. of M.I." title and didn't realize what "M.I." stood for. Upon closer inspection, serious laughter ensued.





That's all for this volume of Gay Movies Are SO Gay. If dirty naughty sex posts about the perverted arts are what you're looking for, you can look forward to me finally completing my post about our Adult section and it's hilarious titles/artwork by 2008.

Check out the original Gay Movies Are SO Gay
and for further reading on funny movies check out these fine posts:
DVD Picks (featured on blogcritics.org)-Includes "Ganked", "Chooch", "Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet" "Necromantik" and others
DVD Picks (also on BC.org) - Includes "Teen Witch", "Sinbad", "samurai Boners" etc
DVD Picks - Includes Stallone in "Over The Top", "Funky Monkey","Twin Sitters", "Being Ron Jeremy" and others
Classics of the "Urban" Variety - just click on it already


-Jordan, researching gay movies so you don't have to

Please, Outlaw Women Drivers

We constantly have problems with idiots and their parking atrocities here at the store (or in Fairfield County, for that matter) and I can't quite understand why. The worst offense is when people PARK THEIR CAR IN FRONT OF OUR DRIVE WAY. WHAT THE FUCK?
There happens to be parallel parking on the street that this store is located, but I think the DRIVE WAY between two buildings and the absence of white parking spot lines is a clear enough indicator that our entrance and exit ways are NOT parking spots.
This seems to be an issue with a lot of inconsiderate, inhuman, uncivilized people in this town. And I hate to say it and feed into the "stereotype", but almost without fail the perps are always WOMEN. Many of them blonde.
Don't hate the player, folks, hate the game. I'm just bringing you the facts as I see them unfold before my bewildered eyes.

Yesterday I was on my way out of work and saw a Jeep Wrangler parked parallel across the only exit of the store. I felt trapped and scared and started to become claustrophobic. I began trying to claw my way out of the parking lot somehow. I frantically searched around the local neighboring stores but no one had any clue who is was or where he/she was. I wait a good 10 minutes (the last thing I need after a long day at work) and then finally notice some snazzy looking blonde woman coming out of an expensive hip deli across the street. "Hmmm" I thought... "Could that be her? Should I dare believe the stereotype and follow her back to see if my assumption was right and that she blocked our driveway?" and so I did and guess what? It was her. URRRRRRRRRGH!
I said "HEY BITCH. This ain't no parking spot you dumb piece of shit" and she giggled and drove away. If she had gotten a ticket I'm sure she could have just smiled at the cop and he would have let her off with a warning because he thinks if some cute blonde smiles at him it somehow means that he's "still got it", and not that she's manipulating him out of a ticket.
I went on to ask if she sleeps well at night knowing that she is the reason women are stereotyped. She asked me what "stereotype" means...

The other day Kevin actually got in a fight with some bitch who he saw pulling up and parking in our driveway... he said that she actually argued with him about it, justifying her crime by saying "I'm JUST GOING OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES!!" and he obviously replied "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING YOU BETTER MOVE YOUR CAR BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU AND STICK YOUR HEAD ON A PIKE AS A WARNING TO ALL OTHERS"
or something to that effect... She refused to move so Kevin did as promised and her head is now on the roof of the buiding. It's unfortunate because she had a family to support, but I think her family is probably better off without her. When we told her husband what had happened, he totally understood.

But do these offenders get tickets?? Do they get towed at their own expense? NO. Because the police in this town are too busy pulling over teenagers and minorities to actually correct a violation that is affecting the people and specifically a business. When I see 4 cop cars pulling over one person it becomes obvious that, aside from the unlikely event of a violent shoot out or drug bust that require such back up, the cops have NOTHING BETTER TO DO. They are like swarms of bees waiting to attack a helpless child, just like in My Girl. In fact I think it's fair to say that police in general ARE those wasps that killed cute little Macaulay Culkin. Poor Macaulay...

And yet, we can't even locate the "special" police (in other words, the retarded police) to ticket the car.

I got a fucking parking ticket for parking in the "wrong direction" on my street outside my own house in my parking spot. What kind of logic is there behind this law? There is none whatsoever. If a man can't park his own car outside his own house without worrying about anal cops giving tickets to fill quotas, while braindead assholes use the post road as their parking playground violating multiple parking laws that are in place for a reason, well I ask you: What kind of world do we live in?
I actually went to the station to fight this parking ticket I got and the cop laughed at me and said "yea, I was one of the cops in the car that gave you that ticket."(good to know it took multiple officers to write out a parking ticket at 2:30 in the morning) and I said "well, then what's the point of this ticket?" and he said something to the effect of "it doesn't matter, you got a ticket and you have to pay it". Well great, I'm glad to be financing the towns spending with erroneous tickets. Thanks a lot officer, you truly do serve and protect for the good of the citizens.

One time someone (a woman, yes) parked her car blocking our drive way for about 4 hours. After we finally found the "special" cop, do you think he gave her a ticket or got her towed? No, neither. He spent his time looking in stores for the woman (or so he told us) and never found her. Then he waited outside the car for her like a chump and when she finally showed up, obviously trying to ignore what she had done and ignore the cop, he simply told her that she was parked in a driveway and she nodded and drove away. Good job, officer. Justice was served, and people were finally able to leave the Media Wave parking lot.


Here's the bottom line in the most fair and accurate way I can put it: Women are stupid. They should not be allowed to drive.
The cops in this town are, for the most part, completely useless and act only in the interest of quotas and money for the town. Laws are made for the betterment of society, cops are not supposed to be out to get people but out to help them. But they are supposed to give tickets to fucking idiots who block driveways!

Here is one of the first results of the Google Image Search for "Women Drivers"

"I was on my cellphone and I just assumed the boat would move. I had no idea there'd be water there. Wait til the owner of that boat hears from my lawyer!"
At least she has her bottled water.


-Jordan, proud member of No Ma'am
*Disclaimer: The views presented on this page may not be shared by all affiliates of Media Wave Video Co. Namely Drew, the blind feminist. If you ask me, he's sorta queer too.

Best Question Ever

I don't know if this is blog worthy, but in the absense of other posts it will at least be a short one.

The funniest and most absurd question I've ever heard in my life is:

"Keanu who?"

Uh... Keanu Applebaum, from Green Bay? Who the nuts could it possibly be?

-Jordan, I hope I'm not the only one who seems the humor in this question. If so, then click here for some real humor. Or just scroll down for more unfunny humor from Media Wave

Arabs Eat Kahk and The Simpsons Get Lost In Translation

Since we are not a "news" blog, this is by far the most hard-hitting news that we've brought to you so far, but I think that it cuts right into the heart of all of our lives so that I had to share.

The first sure sign that we're winning the war on terrorism is that TV's "The Simpsons", my favorite television show of all time next to "Mr. Belvedere", is finally being brought to Arab TV.

However, it's not quite the same show you'll find syndicated 2-6 times a night on Fox. In order to fit the show with the values of Middle-Eastern culture and Islam, "The Simpsons" is now called "Al Shamshoons". It roles right off the tongue if you ask me. All characters voices will be dubbed by one serious and angry but respectful Arab man. Furtermore, Homer will now be known as Omar and Bart will be known as Bahr. As reported from ABC News, Duff beer will be changed to an Arab soft drink, hot dogs will become Egyptian beef sausages, and donuts will become popular Arab cookies called "kahk" - And I'm not making that up.

Not only that but due to content against the Koran, Moe's Tavern and "Kid Gruesome" himself, Moe Syzlack, have been written out altogether as well as 85% of the characters and situations in the episodes.
Due to the fact that they are female characters, Marge and especially young feminist Lisa Shamshoon are written out almost entirely, and when they do show up are not permitted to speak.
As a result of the cultural modifying, there are only 7 episodes that are acceptable to be aired and all 7 of them have been cut down to 4 1/2 minutes each. Those 4 1/2 minutes will be a mixture of poorly dubbed political propoganda and scripture lessons from the Koran.

My favorite part of the *real* news article is: "Many bloggers have also expressed discontent." You're darn tootin'! It's good to know that discontentment among bloggers will make the news.

While he may not be a donut-worshipping, bacon-eating offensive but lovable boozehound Christian, " "Omar Shamshoon still says "D'oh!" "

Next on the Arab TV synidcation slate is their the American hit "Friends" about a group of hip 20-somethings who are just trying to make it in America's unholy capitalist society with a little help from their friends (aww).
The Arab version will be called "Infidels" and by airing fully unchanged episodes will fuel the hatred of American culture, just as it has in America.


My only question is whether the Arab version of The Simpsons will be available in America. It might not be the same show we are all used to, but lets not dismiss the possibility that an edited Islam-friendly cut might be far better than the original. Face it, the last 5 seasons of the show haven't been quite up to their normal standard of excellence, perhaps a Middle Eastern makeover is just what this long-lasting series needs! And do we really need such gratituous use of the word "butt" on TV?
It might not be funny anymore, but the limited gratification of comedy is nothing compared to eternal salvation, a principle that only "The War At Home" seems to follow.

-Reporting Live, Jordan Champion for MVNews

Beetlejuice VS. Superpug: The ultimate showdown

-SuperBeet VS. Superpug -
Seperated at birth? Long lost brothers? They share the same body size and the same protruding eyes... You be the judge

-Jordan

Pugs: God's wrinkled angels

OH
MY
GOD!!!
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but pugs are the CUTEST things on this planet... or any other, for that matter.
Speaking of which I just found the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Movie Trailer - Planet Of The Pugs (<---CLICK THERE!)
It's a terrifying new chapter in the Planet of the Apes series...

You know you love pugs... just click the link you heartless bastard

-Jordan

The Cowboy Follow-up or On A Steel Horse He Rides

About two weeks ago the lives of Media Wave employees/blog perfectionists Drew and Jordan
were changed forever (or at least for the week) by the apperance of The Cowboy. No, not the unsettling eyebrowless riddler cowboy from "Mulholland Drive", this was the kind of cowboy that would save a damsel tied to the traintracks and then gut the villianious perpetrator with his spurs. If you didn't catch our original post detailing Drew's experience, check it out here please: Bad Ass Mothafucka

The cowboy came into our store with a bad ass hat on his head and a glare in his eye and left the store with our respect, a couple of used action movie dvds and... our hearts. We wondered if he'd ever come back again. He said he would, but cowboys are a nomadic breed and you have to know full well that if a cowboy says he'll come back you may never see him again... and that might be just exactly what he planned, or he may have gotten killed by a bull or by another cowboy in bar fight.
"Just the walk of the breed" as Drew would say...

He came back. He moseyed on into Media Wave, acknowledged Drew's presence as if they were long-time pals and walked up the counter.
What reason could The Cowboy possibly have had to come back? The only reason: to buy the Special Edition DVD of "The Warriors", arguably the most bad ass movie ever!!! (Also, arguably the gayest movie ever. )

There couldn't have been any cooler reason for the Cowboy to turn up again other than challenging Drew to a duel at high noon.
But this time we got a lighter side of cowboy life - he came in without his trusty cowboy hat, wearing questionable baby blue rectangle-frame glasses. Do cowboys wear glasses?? And if so should they be baby blue rectangle frames?
But these less bad-ass qualities were balanced out by the fact that he had been walking around outside in a wife beater during a rain storm, as if Mother Nature's harsh downpour had no effect on him whatsoever. Ultra cool. When he came in the store the droplets of rain were glistening on his jacked shoulders and his bald cowboy head.

Before I start to turn gay I'll stop describing him like that.
He told us that he stopped in right before he was about to leave for Arizona in his pick-up truck (or his steel horse). I guess the hustle and bustle of modern city life just wasn't his style. A rural nomad who lives by his own code couldn't possibley feel at home in a yuppie suburban town. So, he decided to go back to God's country where people in video stores didn't think to take candid pictures of him with camera cell phones and write blogs about it.

-Jordan

P.S. I have a prop cowboy hat in the back of my car for some reason, I think I'm going to wear it at all times from now on. Someone has to reprazent 'round here.

Crazy Eye McAsshole

Sometimes I wonder "How does Media Wave have such a high population of freakish customers? Is it because the employees themselves are freaks? Perhaps." I begin to feel self-conscious that I don’t have any funny stories about crazy customers coming to the restaurant I work at. Apparently freakish customers prefer to shop on Post Road as opposed to Black Rock Turnpike. I guess I’m just unlucky in that arena. But then the other day what I can only describe as a gift from God was handed down to me through the spoken words of a very normal customer. The gift of a story that reminded me of the craziest customer of all time.

First let me state that he has a wandering eye. It was the first one I had ever seen and it was GLORIOUS. Two bright blue eyes, one staring at me and the other staring at the drink cooler. The weird thing is that I couldn’t tell which one was wandering and which one was fixed on a specific point. Let me note that normally I would not make a point to bring this up (actually, I probably would) but this has a lot to do with why I hate this specific customer - that sounds really bad doesn’t it? Aside from a wandering eye he also has bright blue hair (to match the blue motorcycle his dad bought him), he is very thick in a not-so muscular way, and he has the BIGGEST ego of anyone I’ve ever met. The first time he actually came in to eat he told my boss (who already knew and loathed him) about how he lives with his parents and how all the housewives on his street call him over after their husbands have gone off to work and about how all the "gay guys" at the bars always hit on him. This guy is one big winner in his own book - in mine he’s a liar who is trying to impress two women working at a restaurant both of whom would rather die than carry on a conversation with him. It really is painful to talk to someone like that.

So every time I see him pull up on his motorcycle, which is quite often since he gets his hair dyed next door, I pray to Jesus Christ his only son our Lord that he won’t come talk to me. Jesus and I have beef with each other and therefore, more often than not Crazy Eye comes and brags. To be more specific he either brags or he rips one of the other customers a new asshole. That’s the really freakish thing about this guy. He gives other customers "advice" in a sort of shit throwing way. One time I watched him as he stared at two guys that were eating lunch two tables down from him and as he gets up to leave he comes up to one of the guys and says in a loud voice, "You should really go to the doctor for your leg." the guy looks at him and kind of smiles like Crazy Eye is making a joke. But he’s not. He then goes on to tell him, "The whole time I was trying to eat you kept shaking your leg and it was moving my table. That’s really rude and there must be something wrong with your leg. I would definitely go to the doctor about that." And then he storms out like someone has just royally offended him. The two guys start laughing at each other because nobody can believe what just happened. They look at me like, "What the hell?" and I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Yea. He’s one of our more special customers."


Then the other day I have a customer ask me, "Hey do you know a guy that eats here who has bright blue hair?" and I said, "Yea." hoping that this guy wasn’t a friend of Crazy Eye. The guy says, "Last time I was in here with my ten year old son and he (the guys son) was trying to tell me that he wanted some flan. And I couldn’t understand him. He kept saying "Flan" and I would say "What?". This happened a couple of times because I didn’t even know what flan was. Then this guy with blue hair who was apparently listening to us comes up to me and says, ‘You should really get your kid some help. He’s having trouble pronouncing simple words. The kids trying to tell you that he wants filet mignon. You should really work with him on his vocabulary." And the customer who is telling me this story is sitting there with his son and his son tells me that Crazy Eye was actually making fun of him about it. Crazy Eye thought that a ten year old boy was asking his father for filet mignon at a MEXICAN FOOD RESTAURANT. Of all the things to interpret the sound of "flan" as, filet mignon would not have been at the top of my list.

Sometimes I feel bad for Crazy Eye though, his stories are obviously not at all true and he only tells them to look cooler, which is something he badly needs. Maybe his outbursts are his way of letting out his frustrations with his Crazy Eye life. So what if he gives a ten-year old kid a complex about the way he talks? At least the kid’s eyes can focus on one single object - that’s more than Crazy Eye can say. Sometimes I think I’d like to give shit throwing advice to customers too. Maybe one day he’ll walk in to the store with a towel from next door still wrapped around his shoulders, his head covered in fresh neon blue dye, one of his eyes will look deep into mine and he’ll ask me to run away with him to his parents house and if he catches me on a particularly desperate day maybe I’ll say "Sure. Wait. Are you talking to me? Or that girl over by the drink cooler?"
Kina

website of the day: The Camel-Toe Report

If you're bored with this blog (yea right) and continually waiting for new updates, and have seen all the pictures of stuff on cats, check out this enlightening website: The Camel-Toe Report. Another website that I wish I had thought of, but am glad I didn't.

Yea, it's gross. But it's real. Sort of like the Media Wave blog.
Here are some personal favorites of mine and some choice wit from the website:


Last seen: browsing blow dryers at Circuit City in the Paramus Mall

Does G.O.P stand for "Grand Old Package"?
I like this picture because it reminds me way too much of my dad...

My guess is that Cheney wanted to show the nation once and for all the kind of big balls it takes to invade a country without cause and wage war. We get it, Dick.
We need to submit a photo of the trombone player for Chicago, Jimmy Pankow. He had a seriously problem with mastering the struggle of fitting your balls into tight pants. To the right is the best picture I could find online, but I'm sure one of our group of Chicago-enthusiasts (in a way) have a good close of up the travesty that it was.


-Jordan

A few pictures from my trusty camera phone

I try to take as many pictures of people without permission as I can. Some of them are sexual in nature, some of them are just good clean fun. If ever something that happens at The Wave needs visual documentation, I'm ready with my trusty camera phone. So instead of writing a real post, here are some humorous images from the last few months that I may not have posted:

On The Floor At The Boutique:
What is up with people laying on our floor? First of all, it's pretty dirty. Second of all if you're a grown woman and you're lying down in the middle of a busy retail store then you're asking to get trampled on. Sadly, this woman did get trampled to death during an unexpected rush.
The two women didn't know eachother. The woman standing up is actually saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? Get off the floor, moron"


OK, I'll admit this one was purely sexual. Face down, ass up, that's the way we like to... well, you know the old saying.
This boy is from the country of Rand McNally where people walk on their hands, and hamburgers eat people!
Honestly though, kids like to use our store for a jungle gym. As Axl would say "you're in the jungle baby, you gonna diiiiiee"

.
Only in a video store owned by a Greek man would you find a TUB of Feta cheese sitting next to the toilet. Don't ask questions... it's best not to know the answers


This is not a sexual picture AT ALL. The weirdest thing in this picture is what you can't see - the entire woman herself. She is one of the most annoying people we've ever encountered, and this picture was probably taken while she was reaching over the counter to rub one of our shoulders for no apparent reason. She refuses to call us by any other names except "Honey, sugar, sweetie, doll, love, dear" and " pumpkin, sugarbear, honeypie, fluffywuffypuss, wittle wuvvy wuv, boo boo kittie fuck"... or whatever. The theory with a few of the employees is that she is a meth addict. And she insists on coming in barefoot every single time she comes in.


Backstory: Just like with anything else, people just don't read signs. Even if it's right in front of their face in big bold letters surrounded in neon. We've had this problem since the beginning of time. We've done everything in our power to make people realize that, just like in Blockbuster, you need to DROP your returns in the RETURN DROP SLOT. Leaving them on the counter theoretically makes them vulnerable to people passing by who just want to take things, as well as DVD mix ups and, most importantly it just pisses us off. Here is an actual picture of our return slot without being tampered with or manipulated by us.


As you can see, people just don't read signs.


Backstory: Usually when people return a disc without its case (and this does happen WAY too often), those careless individuals who couldn't keep track of a simple DVD box are also responsible for severly damaging the disc by out of sheer stupidity dropping it in the return box unprotected leaving it to be scratched to shit. Sometimes we get the odd semi-retarded person who is SO completely clueless that they bring the unprotected disc up to the counter after carrying it around between two other DVD boxes, not only scratching it up but clearly showing their semi-mental retardation (and I say "semi" only because I assume they had the mental capacity to at least poorly drive an automobile to get to the store). THEN they take the mishandled, fingerprint-covered and already scratched disc and put it information side down(!) on the counter and then SLIDE it across our dirty counter thereby scratching it even more. And this is all done without any second thought whatsoever.
But since we spend most of our time complaining about idiots here, I'd like to show you something we found in the return bin one day. One brilliant and considerate person (who obviously must have an advanced degree in engineering) actually went out of their way to make sure the caseless disc was unharmed. I guess they actually took seriously the rarely inforced "contract" they signed which gives them sole responsiblity for the condition of the returned disc.



They even made a bridge to protect it from falling debris.
**Unfortunately, the discs so well protected ended up being scratched up anyway... probably from their kids. Thanks for trying though


We do have strict rules about renting mature material to under age kids, but we are perfectly ok with little girls smoking cigars in the store. In fact, we encourage it.

These last two I found around town and just struck me as being completely odd and funny.

It seems a bit unusual to put a picture of two people holding hands walking across a beach together on a poster advertising a house for rent.
And of course the classic "No Animals Or Weddings Allowed" sign. I guess the weddings were becoming a real problem for beach goers. Maybe the first poster is the reason for the amendment on the sign - cause love is gay.


-Jordan, amatuer paparazzi

What kind of an asshole insults a mans music?

What kind of an upbringing leads you to go into a independant retail store and say to the clerk without provocation
"excuse me but what is this CRAP you're listening to?"

No, I will not excuse you, sir. You are rude and uncultured and ignorant and you don't deserve an answer. (By the way, the music was the Scissor Sisters, the dancinest band in the world who top the critics list of last year. What's NOT to love?)
What exactly am I supposed to say to that? "You're right! What was I thinking? All these years I really liked this band, but now you've suddenly shown me that it is total crap because you, a middle-aged soccer mom, doesn't think it fits in with your Billy Joel greatest hits."
"Yea, it is crap! I don't know why I put it on in the first place."
"I know right?? This band totally sucks I can't believe anyone likes them. Let me go ask the mysterious Phantom who put it on why he likes such shitty music"

To ask such a question as that already implies that you know full well that the person you're asking is the person who personally chose to put the music on and obviously enjoys it. You're telling that person in other words that you think their taste in music is awful and that you have the right to openly insult it and the clerk.

Were people raised with absolutely no manners at all? I mean come on! If you don't like the music you're hearing in a store, even if you were to choose to comment politely that it isn't your "style" or that the lyrics offend you, you don't outright insult a person and their music in a store.

This happened to me just tonight and I felt inspired to write about it but I won't make this an ultra lengthy post detailing our history with customers who hate our "music" choices, but here are some classic comments:
"Is this Music To Kill Yourself By or what? It's really awful, huh?"
"I would rather run into a knife than listen to this"
"Is this what they call music?"
"This is the worst music I've ever heard in my life"
"Hey what band is this? Ok then I'll know what to stay away from"
"Hey what band is this? Really? It's really bad, huh?" They always ask it as if you'll agree
I wish I could remember all of them but I can't because there have been so many. One time Drew and I got in a "fight" with a customer about some extremely rude and uncalled for remarks he was making about the beautiful music of Yann Tiersen, the genius who is responsible for the magnificence of the soundtrack for Amelie. I don't quite remember what he said, but he actually wrote a letter to Paul about it and the way WE treated HIM because of it. Obviously he has no heart or soul.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

-Jordan

Meta is so Meta

For those of you readers who know your humble bloggers personally you'll know that one of our favorite over used words that makes little or no sense in the context with which we use it is "Meta".
It refers to all things metaphysical but more specifically anything that is trippy, anything that blows your mind, anything thats like a paradox.. for instance looking at a mirror image of yourself could be considered meta. A snake eating itself is meta. A Pink Floyd song is meta. The ending of "2001: A Space Odyssey" is totally meta. Anything on Criss Angel's "Mind Freak" is so meta (full article on this due out soon). The DVD we have called "The Life and Times of Life and Times" is SO meta.

As Drew defines it: "meta is like when you wake up from a dream and you wake up into another dream and it's in outer space"

Or as Urban Dictionary defines it:

1. meta
An adjective used to desribe something that might be a stretch, that is, an overly indirect relationship. I.e. metaphysics, where relationships are extrapulated between mind and matter.
"Dude, that mushroom growing out on our front lawn is totally symbolic of the threat of nuclear war, you know, the mushroom cloud and stuff!""That seems a little meta to me dude."

Anyway, we just discovered that we have (or had) a customer named Meta Mckenna.
Not only does the name rhyme, the first name is Meta! and that name itself is so meta...

-Jordan with the assistance of Drew

A Stupid Question Gets A Stupid Answer, or "What's a bonus feature disc???"

There are many stupid questions that we get from customers on a daily basis.
The one that has been really toasting my buns lately is one that I can't really understand why anyone would ask.
Most DVD's these days come with 2 discs: 1 disc for the movie and 1 disc for the bonus features. Since customers are so lazy and irresposnsible that they seem to literally grab whatever clear plastic Media Wave case they see in their house and without looking at it from the time they grab it to the time they put it in the return slot, inevitabley people return personal discs, return empty boxes and also frequently return 2 disc sets with only the second disc.
It's really hard to believe that people are SOOO busy that they can't put down their cell phone for 1 minute to use their eyes to see that what they are holding in their own hand is clearly missing a disc. When we call their homes to tell them of their clear neglect they deny it at first and then quickly figure out that the disc they were supposed to return is sitting in their DVD player. Well, DUH! When you're done with a movie standard practice is to take it out, put in its case and return it not run through the house with your eyes closed, grab whatever is on top of the DVD player, throw it in your car without looking at it, and toss it in the return bin all without ever glancing at it's contents to make sure you won't incure fines for any reason.

Anyway, this has prompted us to stop automatically giving out the bonus features discs, and instead ask people first whether or not they want the huge burden of responsibility that is a 2 disc set. From this we have found out that about 4% of the DVD renting public ever watch the bonus features discs at all, which is kind of sad. The people working on "Kingdom Of Heaven" probably spent dozens of hours compiling comprehensive bonus feature documentaries and all kinds of things which will never get viewed.
So, now we ask every customer renting any 2 disc dvd

"This movie had 2 discs, would you like to include the bonus features disc or do you just want to the movie?"

To this we get the oddest reactions. People suddenly stop, pay attention and say

"What?? hold on, say that again??"

but my most hated reponse question is:

"what's a bonus feature disc?"

Unable to think of a helpful definition of what a bonus feature disc is I simply say:

"It's a disc that has bonus features on it"

Usually people understand and then say "oh, no.. just the movie" but often people will continue in this line of inane questions with things like:

"what do you mean? wait, what? Bonus what? like what??"

Since I don't know what particular special bonus features are included on "Monster-In-Law" I just sigh and say "you know... like additional features, and stuff like that"

This usually calms their frantic confusion and of course they end just up saying "no, no.. none of that, I just want the movie!"

So, that pisses all of us off to no end. And thats my story. It ended up being much longer than I had intended... oh well.

I don't want to offend any sensitive people out there like Max so I will say that I can understand when some people aren't quite so adept with DVD knowledge as we are required to be... but still, a stupid question is a stupid question.

On a side note, this guy just handed me a dvd case that literally had snot on it. What the fuck???


-Jordan

Gay Movies Are SO Gay

(Check out Vol. 2: Gay Movies Are So Gay: Gay Harder)

In this feature we explore some of the gayest movies we've ever come across (no pun intended.. oh alright, pun intended.). We don't mean "gay" like the way the kids are saying everything is gay these days, but in its original Greek meaning: beautiful young boys playing hopscotch, and sweaty man-ass ramming. When I say gay movies I mean that Blockbuster would rather carry a venereal disease than these movies. These movies are gayer than a Wham video, gayer than a Donna Summer concert, gayer than Double Rainbow Ice Cream, gayer than Coldplay, gayer than drinking Zima... with a straw, even gayer than two sexy guys performing oral sex on eachother...
This is funny to us not because we are homophobic but because we are immature.
Note: None of these movies are actually considered porn. They are erotic comedies/dramas that are extremely sexual, but are not porn. Hence why it occured to me that it's hilarious that something SOO sexual could be considered a regular drama. I just realized some of you might not know this before hand.That's why you won't find "Kiss Me Guido" or "Assplungers vol. 14" because one is a real comedy and one is a real porn. These films walk the line inbetween.

So again, these movies are found on our regular Drama and Comedy sections where kids looking for "Rookie Of The Year" and "Rocky" can stumble upon them*

Slutty Summer - "A somewhat romantic comedy"
The title just about says it all. You could say it really grabs you...
This is just about the gayest cover of any non-hardcore porn movie I've ever seen in my life, and believe me, I've seen em all!

Here are the actual review quotes on the add:
"Welcome to Jerry Falwell's worst nightmare" - The Village Voice
"Lascivious" - Time Out New York
This is the first and only time you will ever see the word "Lascivious" used as an advertised movie review.

This soon-to-be classic is described as "A gay version of 'Sex and the City'". I usually use that same line to describe "Rescue Me".

As a straight guy, I've tried the ol' "dong in popcorn box" trick and it only results in the ol' "dong in severe pain" effect, which is decidedly negative and not quite the desired effect. I suppose it works for gay guys, and good for them.

Uber Gay special features include: "Who's a slut?" street interviews by star Jesse Archer...
Interviews include that guy who works at Abercrombie, that guy who works at Urban Outfitters and that guy who rented "The Fluffer" 14 times.


The Hole - "Before you're gay... you see the hole" (wow, that's gay!)
Another title that speaks for itself.
From the director of 2001's smash hit, The Fluffer (if you're unfamiliar with this term, click on the link please), comes this new extremely creative parody of The Ring. It is part of the Guilty Pleasures Collection and I can't really understand why a simple horror movie would be a "guilty" pleasure. You judge for yourself. Here's the synopsis:
"The film begins with two youing men hearing the legend of a video tape that when watched will turn you gay in seven days. It turns out that some of the local boys have already seen the tape and have begun idolizing Judy Garland. They try watching straight porn to no avail; these boys have "gone gay". It's then that a journalist arrives to investigate the phenomenon and he watches the tape. Of course, the jounalist turns gay as well!
With loads of handsome, naked young guys, lots of wit and even a message buried amongst all these gay converts, Wash West has crafted yet another great film".

*Perhaps the religious right in this Gay-fearing country who are out their doing their part to turn gay men straight can impliment a similar tool of conversion. I'm sure there must be a video tape out there that turns gay men straight. It's pretty much as simple as that. Either that or through prayer, because there's nothing gay about getting on your knees and asking to be filled with the spirit *

"The Hole" stars guys with great names like Jason Adonis(Greek=Gay), Tag Eriksson, Josh Hammer and my personal favorite, Rex Everything. There hasn't been a more obviously gay movie since, well, "The Fluffer". Not only is the title less than subtle, and not only does it feature a rippling muscle-bound and particularly gay looking stud on the cover, but it also has a hilarious picture of two shirtless men both deep-throating bananas on the back.

Well that's it for this week's edition of Gay Movies Are So Gay, I hope you learned something. I know I did. Let me again make clear that this is in no way attacking gay culture or people, just mocking their hilarious movies, just like I do with straight people movies.

-Jordan Hammer

Jose Conseco is my hero

Of all the quotable nonsense that comes through from The Surreal Life into the homes of America ("eat a bag of royal fuck, bitch" or however you like to remember it, "I was modeling before you grew pubic hair", "Jose was just like Gandhi", "Omarosa looks like Rick James' siamese twin.", "what is mulch?", "Last time I saw a cowboy with that many tattoos I was at a Cher concert","The clown house really should have been a vagina... it was like crawling inside and getting poisoned with the bad estrogen."), tonight's episode proved once and for all that Jose Conseco is an absolute genius.

Jose Conseco isn't known to be a man of many words, especially at the Surreal Life dinner table, but one thing is for certain, when Jose opens his mouth out comes gold:

"Everytime I try to help a woman I get incarcerated."


Amen, brother!

Women: can't live with 'em, can't beat 'em.

-Jordan, leader of the Jose Conseco For President Foundation

Calling Me "Boss" Is Only Okay if You Have Down's Syndrome

Here’s one of my biggest pet peeves (I’m letting you all in on it so you can exploit it and annoy the ever-loving piss out of me): calling me by some dumb-ass nickname. It can be anything: Dude, Bro, You, Buddy, Hoss, Ugly Motherfucker – anything that maintains my anonymity and makes you feel like you actually know me. (You think you know, but you have no idea.) It just gets under my skin and makes me want to yell, scream, and throw my own feces (more). I also hate it when people tell me to “lighten up” like in that god awful fucking Sheryl Crow song… JESUS. I’m light. I’m as light as a cloud or some cotton candy.

The only exception to this rule is if you have Down’s Syndrome.

Case in point, this young gent who comes in and for a while kept trying to rent this soft-core, vaguely sexual fantasy movie called “Morgana.” Repeatedly he would find this movie and bring it up to the counter, only to have one of his parents (or his hilariously out-of-it grandmother) snatch it out of his hands, look at it, and make us put it back (thanks). One day he managed to slip the movie through his guardian’s protective net and I kind of felt proud of him, like when Free Willy jumped over the levy or whatever. I nodded and thought, “Good for you.”

Then he was involved in the infamous time that a gaggle of children overran the store one Friday night and when Paul inquired as to the whereabouts of their parents, one of his siblings/step siblings told us, matter-of-factly “They’re in the bar.” Moments later the errant parent stumbled in and retrieved them, kind of like a drunk Superman.

So anyway this kid comes in and calls me “Boss.” And you know what? I’m kind of okay with it. Once I was walking home and saw him shoveling dirt in his driveway, a big earthen pile behind him. He was scooping it and putting it in a wheelbarrow, for no apparent reason. When I told my mom about this she said “Well, it’s pretty hard thinking of things to have them do. Probably tires him out, too.” Um, thanks mom. (Yes, it too gave me frightening new insight into my childhood.)

This dew covered, dirt shoveling, unattended-by-alcoholic-parents Downs Syndrome kid can call me “boss” all he wants. Just hope to god he doesn’t tell me to lighten up.

Yours,

Fluffy.

Angelina's Big Brown Beaver (and gratuitous nudity)

One night I was walking around the store putting up returns and this big burly guy, covered in the smell of stale cigarettes, decides to honor me with his thoughts on recent cinema. Entirely out of the blue and full on genius style he busts out this, maybe the most classic customer comment of all:

So I was watching the 'Unrated Director's Cut' of 'Taking
Lives' cause I was
told there was full frontal nudity.... THERE WASN'T. I
mean, there was a
little bit, but I was lookin' for the BEAVER shot and I'm really pissed."

If my memory serves he made some rather vulgar but inspiring comments about how he'd love to eat Angelia Jolie out, straight up. He also went into embarassing detail about how the friend who told him about the "full front beaver shot" also spends a lot of time watching movie with nude celebrities and really knows his shit when it comes to which movies have nude celebrities and exactly how hot the scenes are.

T.M.I.! Right? T.M.I.

For this, and many other reasons (like the fact that he looks like he has at least seriously considered raping someone before), my man here makes Genius Of The Week award. The crack head made Genius Of The Week last week, and the Cowboy of course makes Genius Of The Year.
That's my classic quote for the day.

-Jordan

Oh by the way, if you were curious to see what this guy was complaining about, Drew used his very well honed nude-celebrity-finding skills to bring these images to you and to bring the moral quality of this website down even further than it already is.

Porn Stories/When A Friend Rents Porn

There are many awkward but somehow hilarious situations that occur between customers and employees, employees and employees and employees and friends who are customers over the course of a "career" at Media Wave (or any video store, I suppose). It is my job to document and comment on such things.
It's one thing when skeevy old men with smokers hacking cough come in and walk right up to the counter and say to me "Listen, I ain't gonna bullshit witchu.... WHERE'S THE PORNO??"
And it's one thing when our 40-something computer tech/eggplant-shaped friend rents Mary-Kate and Ashely with Anime Porn at one time, indicating a combination of fetish pleasures the likes of which have never been seen!
and it's one thing when middle-aged Dads or divorced/single men come in specifically to quiety and shamefully rent some cheesy low-grade adult video. He'll bring up some brand new popular movie like "Hitch" just because he's using it to cover up the DVD box for "The Bare Wench Project" or "Playmate Of The Apes" hidden beneath that acceptable family-friendly film he appears to be renting just in case he bumps into someone he knows. Then he asks for a bag or two to cover up his shame, to which I say "Sir, no bag can save you from Hell... PERVERT!"

It was also awkward when a small 50/60-something Indian man came up to rent video games for his kids and "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus" and I found that for some reason that particular volume of GGW was missing or already checked out so instead of making an embarassing scene in front of his kids by telling him "sir, your Girls Gone Wild is already checked out, would you like to go pick out another one? I wouldn't want you to go home with blue balls" I made an executive decision and gave him "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus 2". I mean... how different could they be, right? Boy was I wrong!! He came back the next day and in his funny old man indian accent came up to the counter (his head hardly goes above the counter, he's so small) and goes "Excuse me but I recieved the wrong movie last night. I requested Girls Gone Wild: On Campus but somehow got On Campus Vol. 2. Please correct this"
....ooook, I guess he knows his Girls Gone Wild. And here I thought any variety of young girls flashing their boobs would be acceptable for instant boob gratification.
Here's the major difference: On Campus Vol. 1 contains:
Wild, HOT, Out of Control, Sexy Co-eds!


While On Campus 2 has:
Sexy Co-eds! Out Of Control! and Wild!














As you can see, the difference is like night and day.
And who am I to deny him his Hot Co-eds, even if they are both equally as Real and just about as Raw and both are absolutely Uncut!

Actually, I was trying to pull the ol' Folgers switcheroo taste test.
"We've replaced Mr. X's regular volume of "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus" with the newer and arguably rawer and more out of control "Girls Gone Wild: Campus 2"! Let's see if he notices the difference!
... He did.

These porn experiences are all funny on their own in every way because they have nothing to do with me personally.
But it's quite another thing indeed when someone you know around your age who you are in most respects "friends" with (or at least social acquaintences) unabashedly rents explicit porn from your store with you checking them out for him. It's a very weird situation to be in because you aren't really sure how to handle it. It's not really like it is when your buddy in college has some crazy porn downloaded on his computer (and then you have a big circle jerk around his computer.... or not), and it's not quite like just knowing your friends watch porn (because they all do, I mean.. cooommme on!), but when you're face to face with it and he brings it right up to your register as if he's renting "Guess Who", what exactly do you say? The first time this happened he rented "Phenomenal Sex" (which i thought maybe would be like a personal relationship aid) and to break the ice he goes "heh heh, that looks like a good one, right?"
I say "uh, yea... with a name like that you can't go wrong". We share an awkward laugh.
The second time, however, was at about 10:30 in the morning and he rented the Paris Hilton sex tape called "A Night In Paris" (best title ever) and I had to get past how weird it is when people rent porn at 10:30 in the morning and that it's someone I know doing it and then had to explain to him why we charge $5 for the rental because it cost us at least $40 to buy.

If you're anything like me, when you have a hankerin for a wankerin and you are tired of the same old free amatuer porn easily viewed and downloaded for free on the internet, and you've already worn through the porn videos you have some how... and your girlfriend's various orafices/hands/feet aren't doing it for you anymore, you go to a video store OUT OF TOWN, or least where you don't know anyone! We have old men coming in from the tri-town area renting our very small collection of soft-core porn, and a 20-something friend of mine has to come in to my store specifically to rent embarrassing porn titles in front of me?

Good for him. Be who you are... and all that junk. I'll just never shake your hand again.

-Jordan

Coming Soon: Media Wave's Hilarious Adult Section
and: The Disturbing World of Anime Porn
Don't miss out!

Too Hilarious Not to Reprint

Squeaky-Clean Band's DVD Replaced by Soft-Porn Flick
Fans of the Mormon boy band Everclean were taken aback (and affront, it would seem) when they popped the video of the group's Sons of Provo into their DVD players and discovered a movie entitled Adored: Diary of a Porn Star instead, the Salt Lake City Deseret Morning News reported today (Wednesday). Deseret Book Co. told the newspaper that it had removed the film from its shelves. Apparently the mix-up occurred after the producers of Adored and Sons of Provo each hired the same Los Angeles-based company to produce the DVD copies and distribute them. "This is hugely damaging," said George Dayton, head of business affairs for HaleStorm, the company that produced Son of Provo. Although Adored was described as a "heartwarming film about a porn star" and not a porn film itself, Dayton said that it matters little "whether it's some soft-core title or whatever. ... This title doesn't lend itself to good, clean family or LDS [Church of Latter Day Saints] -centered entertainment."

The New Store Opens, Time Travel is Discovered

I know, I know. It's been years since I, Kina, have blogged. This is due to two things: first was a fight over a blog, the details of which my lawyer has advised me not to discuss and the second is the fact that I make it through work consistently without complaints, without any interesting stories, or meeting any insane customers. But just like hellish middle school, known for breaking kids down my normally comfortable existence at work is speckled with uncomfortable, confidence blowing, self-doubting moments. I forgot what it meant to feel like a loser until about a week ago, when thanks to my job, I was reacquainted with the feelings I kept zipped up in my monogrammed hand-me-down backpack I thought I had left behind in seventh grade.

It was the week before our big opening. My bosses at the restaurant had toiled away for over a year trying to open our third location and it had finally happened. They had decided to open the following Tuesday with a private party for friends the Sunday before. Last Thursday, as I was leaving work, my boss came up to me and said, "Hey, I think we're having a party on Sunday for the opening. Its for friends and people who've helped to come look at the store and have some food. Tell your mom and everyone to come." and I was like, "Oh ya. I will. That sounds fun." I had been waiting for the opening of the restaurant for this very reason. A party. Or in this case, a fiesta. Then my boss added, "And I think we're going to have appetizers, so would you be interested in helping out with those? Passing them out to everyone?" I agreed, as I thought helping out for half an hour would be more than worth getting dolled up and buying a new outfit. All weekend I was excited and waiting for the opening.

We got home from visiting my sister in Newport, RI about half an hour before I was supposed to be at the new store to set up appetizers. I quickly got dressed in my super cute dress and cowboy boots. But just to make sure I wasn't overdoing the outfit, I text messaged my manager to ask her what she was wearing to the party. About a minute later I got a text back from her saying, "You should be wearing black on black." I was in shock. This couldn't be right. Black on black is what we had to wear to cater. I wasn't catering - I was invited. So I called my manager to explain to her that there must be a mix-up and she explained to me that I was, in fact, working at the party and that the other two girls I was working with were not wearing Juicy dresses like me, but their work shirts and black pants. I almost started crying. I was all dressed up thinking I was invited to a party, when really they just wanted me to work at the party. I could almost feel Dr. Braun using his pliers to put my braces back on and the freckles on my nose becoming more pronounced. The worst part of the conversation was my manager trying to back pedalled. "Well, just wear your dress. Its okay. Or maybe wear the black and bring your dress in the car." I wanted to tell her, "It's okay. I get it. I'm only hired help. The party is for friends."

So I spent the night in the back of the restaurant, with the new shiny appliances, arranging trays of flautas, empanadas, and mini quesadillas to serve to my family and other people who were cool enough to be "friends". I was on the B Team in sixth grade volleyball again (and the only reason I made B Team was because they can't cut you from a required gym class). But I sucked it up, refilled the chips and salsa for everyone, and when Maximo the cook told me in broken English that he wanted to dance with me, I simply showed him the only dance I knew with no required touching : the robot. - Kina

Jeff Quote of the Month

Jeff quote of the month.. maybe year:

"I'm marrying the first girl that eats my ass"

The Long Walk Home (plus Skateboarding is TOTALLY a crime)

so I'm standing at the register waiting eagerly to help the next polite customer when in walks a very short and angry looking puerto rican guy age 18-25 dressed to the nines in the ultimate ghetto outfit - complete with huge crisp white sneakers, baggy designer jeans hanging over those sneakers, an oversized sports jersey or designer t-shirt with a least 1 other shirt underneath it, matching hat with perfectly flat brim tilted to the side on top of the always fashionable du rag. He had a really bad looking pencil-thin goatee, and I'm not sure, but there could have been some bling in there somewhere too, but I'm not sure. Tre Stereotypeque.

I greet him, he walks up to the counter holding in his hands a half-smoked cigarette and a mighty chip on his shoulder. He was only a few inches taller than the counter so I was already chuckling to myself in my head. Without saying anything he pushes foward a piece of paper across the counter and then says
"Eey, uum, how you get der?"
"WHAT?" I say, already annoyed as I always am at people who insist on speaking in either a tone of voice or some kind of style of speech that is completely unintelligable to anyone trying to listen.
Then he points to the piece of paper which is a Mapquest printout of directions to a certain point in Westport.
"I need to get thurr" he put his finger on the line of the paper with the address, as if he couldn't have just told me, like I need to read his fucking paper.
"OK, well, you gotta get back on 95 and go south... " as I'm saying this i realize, wait a minute... He has directions from Mapquest that are telling him exactly what I am saying.
"Nah nah nah, I'm WALKING, yo" he rudely exclaims.
"Yeah, well, that's a pretty long walk. Go straight on post road for like 7 miles" I tell him.
"Yeah it's long. How about you just give me a ride?" he says while glaring at me.
"Um.. well as you can see I'm at work, duh" I say.
"Take a break." he tells me with absolute seriousness. He was beginning to really freak me out. When he finally understood that if he didn't leave I would probably kick his ass he walked out. I Then, in the doorway I hear a rattlin'. I turn and see him ripping down a poster that someone had put up to advertise.
"HEY. I think whoever put that there might appreciate if you didn't rip it down"
"AIGHT, whuteva" he said and then tossed the torn poster on the ground and shuffled and pimp-walked his way out the door... and out of our lives forever.


What a little bitch, huh? What kind of a person acts like that? I swear... these days! Right?
I had a good mind to run after him, offer him a ride, take him to my car, drive him to wear he was going and then right before he got out of the car just shoot him in the face. That would really show him, I thought.
On a sociological and cultural sidenote, I would love to think that your clothing doesn't dictate your behavior but I have yet to be proven wrong. It's not that he was puerto rican (or whatever..haha), A white punk bitch would act the same way, but odds are that in this area a white punk bitch wouldn't be walking to his destination, he would be driving the BMW he either bought with his parents money or with money from his small time drug ring in high school.

Speaking of punk bitches, a bunch of punk bitch skateboard kids wrote, in the ultimate statement of defiance, "Skateboarding is not a crime" on our store wall. (Paul painted over it before I could get a picture)
You know what is a crime, Scrappy? Writing stupid shit on a businesses wall. You know what else is a crime? Skateboarding. so fuck off.

-Jordan

A picture is worth 1000 words

Thanks to Max Payne for this. I'm not sure if I would consider it a better rendition of Media Wave life... maybe more accurate, but not quite as satanic. So I guess we have pictures representing both the satanic slavery and the horrid squalor that Media Wave is.

21st Century Game Over

Ever wonder what being at Media Wave is really like?.....



This is a real picture that Kevin found on Google Image Search... Oh God do I love Google Image Search.
I think it's obvious why this should be our new logo. "21st Century Game Over" about says it all. We've always said that Paul (owner) has eyes in the back of his head, but in reality he also has eyes in the front of his chest... and is some form of Lucifer, overlord of the chaotic and depraved masses below him. The only literal translation of the picture is that Paul actually does where a HUGE gold chain with a super sweet medallion at almost all times. Oh yea, and that Drew is actually a ballerina in real life and he's represented down in the corner there. And I am often thought of as a poor black man sleeping on big sacks... in a way.

Can anyone translate the rest of this glorious image for me?

-Comrade Jordan