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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Porn Stories/When A Friend Rents Porn

There are many awkward but somehow hilarious situations that occur between customers and employees, employees and employees and employees and friends who are customers over the course of a "career" at Media Wave (or any video store, I suppose). It is my job to document and comment on such things.
It's one thing when skeevy old men with smokers hacking cough come in and walk right up to the counter and say to me "Listen, I ain't gonna bullshit witchu.... WHERE'S THE PORNO??"
And it's one thing when our 40-something computer tech/eggplant-shaped friend rents Mary-Kate and Ashely with Anime Porn at one time, indicating a combination of fetish pleasures the likes of which have never been seen!
and it's one thing when middle-aged Dads or divorced/single men come in specifically to quiety and shamefully rent some cheesy low-grade adult video. He'll bring up some brand new popular movie like "Hitch" just because he's using it to cover up the DVD box for "The Bare Wench Project" or "Playmate Of The Apes" hidden beneath that acceptable family-friendly film he appears to be renting just in case he bumps into someone he knows. Then he asks for a bag or two to cover up his shame, to which I say "Sir, no bag can save you from Hell... PERVERT!"

It was also awkward when a small 50/60-something Indian man came up to rent video games for his kids and "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus" and I found that for some reason that particular volume of GGW was missing or already checked out so instead of making an embarassing scene in front of his kids by telling him "sir, your Girls Gone Wild is already checked out, would you like to go pick out another one? I wouldn't want you to go home with blue balls" I made an executive decision and gave him "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus 2". I mean... how different could they be, right? Boy was I wrong!! He came back the next day and in his funny old man indian accent came up to the counter (his head hardly goes above the counter, he's so small) and goes "Excuse me but I recieved the wrong movie last night. I requested Girls Gone Wild: On Campus but somehow got On Campus Vol. 2. Please correct this"
....ooook, I guess he knows his Girls Gone Wild. And here I thought any variety of young girls flashing their boobs would be acceptable for instant boob gratification.
Here's the major difference: On Campus Vol. 1 contains:
Wild, HOT, Out of Control, Sexy Co-eds!


While On Campus 2 has:
Sexy Co-eds! Out Of Control! and Wild!














As you can see, the difference is like night and day.
And who am I to deny him his Hot Co-eds, even if they are both equally as Real and just about as Raw and both are absolutely Uncut!

Actually, I was trying to pull the ol' Folgers switcheroo taste test.
"We've replaced Mr. X's regular volume of "Girls Gone Wild: On Campus" with the newer and arguably rawer and more out of control "Girls Gone Wild: Campus 2"! Let's see if he notices the difference!
... He did.

These porn experiences are all funny on their own in every way because they have nothing to do with me personally.
But it's quite another thing indeed when someone you know around your age who you are in most respects "friends" with (or at least social acquaintences) unabashedly rents explicit porn from your store with you checking them out for him. It's a very weird situation to be in because you aren't really sure how to handle it. It's not really like it is when your buddy in college has some crazy porn downloaded on his computer (and then you have a big circle jerk around his computer.... or not), and it's not quite like just knowing your friends watch porn (because they all do, I mean.. cooommme on!), but when you're face to face with it and he brings it right up to your register as if he's renting "Guess Who", what exactly do you say? The first time this happened he rented "Phenomenal Sex" (which i thought maybe would be like a personal relationship aid) and to break the ice he goes "heh heh, that looks like a good one, right?"
I say "uh, yea... with a name like that you can't go wrong". We share an awkward laugh.
The second time, however, was at about 10:30 in the morning and he rented the Paris Hilton sex tape called "A Night In Paris" (best title ever) and I had to get past how weird it is when people rent porn at 10:30 in the morning and that it's someone I know doing it and then had to explain to him why we charge $5 for the rental because it cost us at least $40 to buy.

If you're anything like me, when you have a hankerin for a wankerin and you are tired of the same old free amatuer porn easily viewed and downloaded for free on the internet, and you've already worn through the porn videos you have some how... and your girlfriend's various orafices/hands/feet aren't doing it for you anymore, you go to a video store OUT OF TOWN, or least where you don't know anyone! We have old men coming in from the tri-town area renting our very small collection of soft-core porn, and a 20-something friend of mine has to come in to my store specifically to rent embarrassing porn titles in front of me?

Good for him. Be who you are... and all that junk. I'll just never shake your hand again.

-Jordan

Coming Soon: Media Wave's Hilarious Adult Section
and: The Disturbing World of Anime Porn
Don't miss out!

11 Comments:

  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    So this is another high-quality post. However, I must say in all seriousness you need an attitude adjustment. As you state in your post, everyone watches porn. Well, at least every guy you know. You watch porn, I watch porn, and I am sure almost every dude our age we know watches it. Thanks to the Internet we no longer have to rent it or go to an "adult store" and can download it, watch it, and delete it off our computer with relative anonymity. However, maybe you are not so computer savvy or prefer to have porn on your TV rather than your computer and keep them separate for various reasons. So, I think you should just let your friend do this and not sweat it. As weird as it is for you, its probably weirder for him but maybe he feels more comfortable renting from you than some anonymous guy. And you probably strike him as a trusting, good-humored guy, and I am sure his porn makes him happy. So let him be happy. In fact, the situation could be even more bizarre and he is renting it for someone else who is too embarassed and he's taking the bullet and knows you will be a chill guy about it.Sorry if this seems a bit in-depth, its just something that's been on my mind lately (yeah, porn's been on my mind...hasn't it been on yours?)

     
  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous J.P. said…

    At least you didn't rent out the Paris Hilton Film to an old man and actual say "The Incredibles is due back on Monday and the Paris Hilton Fil...m is due back on Saturday." I made that mistake Jordan, and afterwords all I could do was laugh. So don't feel too weirded out, because it happens to the best of us.

     
  • At 1:15 AM, Blogger Tom Naka said…

    I have a health food store in maryland
    site. It pretty much covers health food store in maryland
    related stuff. Check it out if you get time :-)

     
  • At 1:40 AM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    that last comment has to be my favorite spam comment of all time.
    "i have a health food store in maryland site.

    IT PRETTY MUCH COVERS HEALTH FOOD STORE IN MARYLAND RELATED STUFF"

    am i the only one who finds this hilarious?

     
  • At 1:53 AM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    Regarding Max - thanks for the start off comment. However, Dude. Chiiiilll out. As far as the porn thing, I'm simply talking about how awkward the situation is. I didn't really consider if it was awkward for him.. but I guess I thought it was assumed. This is the very reason why I can't understand why it happens - He knows its awkward for me, I'm sure its awkward for him... so... it can easily be avoided. But on the other hand if he isn't awkward about it at all and he doesn't consider it weird then no harm done and we still have a high quality post.

    As far as the crazy walkabout guy, I'm not sure why you're on his side. He's half bad ass and half jerky weirdo punk who likes to piss people off. Believe me, this guy was a genius but he doesn't need your sympathy and he doesn't need any credit for "doing somehting about it" or whatever. I don't really consider him ripping down someones poster as a cool way of doing something about not getting a ride.
    Also, had you considered that he was on crack? cause I sure did, and it's one of the things that made me worry that he was going to steal one of our cars.

    Here's the thing - some people say we have an elitist, "High Fidelity" attitude towards customers. It's true in a way but in many ways its not. The point is that if I didn't see either of these people as weird or find the situations awkward, we'd have no posts.

     
  • At 2:09 AM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    I acknowledge that maybe I'm a little hard on him considering that maybe A.he doesn't mind at all and isn't embarrassed, B.he doesn't feel lilke going online or going out of town (even though the town 3 miles from Media Wave is chock full of much bigger porn stores that have huge selections and booths you can watch them in and all kinds of stuff... 2 of which happen to be a few yards from my house) and C. he trusts me to be comfortable and not judge him.
    I'm not judging him at all. Like I said, everyone does it. I couldn't bring myself to get any porn from I know, maybe it's just me.
    So, like i said "good for him". I certainly don't make him feel weird about it at all whcih is what makes me a good customer service person. So it may be an attitude I take in trying to illuminate the awkwardness of the situation to the many non-media wave customer readers (and there must be at least 400 by now), but it isn't one I take towards anyone in real life.

    I think I've said all I can... I hope this sets it straight but I'll take your suggestion to heart... queer

     
  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger Radio Free Burke said…

    Yo, clearly I think your blog is the greatest gift to mankind since TV-on-DVD, so don't take my comment too seriously. I was just having a big think about porn and people and attitudes and stuff. I definitely think you have a good attitude about it and I wasn't criticizing you just trying to open up the discussion a bit. You know, cuz porn-chat rules. As for the crackhead dude, I basically still think he is a genius. I think his futile attempt at "doing something about it" makes it even better. For instance, if he had stolen your car that would have been sad and horrible and rude and I would have no sympathy for him. But since he took down this token poster, that was probably a big deal for him, and there is a certain sense of will and dignity in the act. Next time a total freak comes into your store make sure you try and follow them as far as humanly possible, now THAT would be a helluva post.

     
  • At 11:36 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    I think there is no one more comfortable with renting or selling porn to ANYONE on earth than someone who works IN a PORN shop. So though this kid probably felt comfortable with Jordan, I highly doubt it's more comfort than he'd feel with a porn shop clerk.

     
  • At 1:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Notice to all:

    We will begin to carry hard-core porn starting with the kinky asian stuff, or "pink films". Now clerks at Media Wave can proudly announce that they rent porn and that's ok, because Stuart Smalley says it is after one of his daily affirmation sessions.

    Hanid-wipes will also be cross promoted.

     
  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger milfcritic said…

  • At 1:53 AM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    wow, we got "milfcritic" to comment on the blog! awesome!!! (see above comment)

     

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