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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Please, Outlaw Women Drivers

We constantly have problems with idiots and their parking atrocities here at the store (or in Fairfield County, for that matter) and I can't quite understand why. The worst offense is when people PARK THEIR CAR IN FRONT OF OUR DRIVE WAY. WHAT THE FUCK?
There happens to be parallel parking on the street that this store is located, but I think the DRIVE WAY between two buildings and the absence of white parking spot lines is a clear enough indicator that our entrance and exit ways are NOT parking spots.
This seems to be an issue with a lot of inconsiderate, inhuman, uncivilized people in this town. And I hate to say it and feed into the "stereotype", but almost without fail the perps are always WOMEN. Many of them blonde.
Don't hate the player, folks, hate the game. I'm just bringing you the facts as I see them unfold before my bewildered eyes.

Yesterday I was on my way out of work and saw a Jeep Wrangler parked parallel across the only exit of the store. I felt trapped and scared and started to become claustrophobic. I began trying to claw my way out of the parking lot somehow. I frantically searched around the local neighboring stores but no one had any clue who is was or where he/she was. I wait a good 10 minutes (the last thing I need after a long day at work) and then finally notice some snazzy looking blonde woman coming out of an expensive hip deli across the street. "Hmmm" I thought... "Could that be her? Should I dare believe the stereotype and follow her back to see if my assumption was right and that she blocked our driveway?" and so I did and guess what? It was her. URRRRRRRRRGH!
I said "HEY BITCH. This ain't no parking spot you dumb piece of shit" and she giggled and drove away. If she had gotten a ticket I'm sure she could have just smiled at the cop and he would have let her off with a warning because he thinks if some cute blonde smiles at him it somehow means that he's "still got it", and not that she's manipulating him out of a ticket.
I went on to ask if she sleeps well at night knowing that she is the reason women are stereotyped. She asked me what "stereotype" means...

The other day Kevin actually got in a fight with some bitch who he saw pulling up and parking in our driveway... he said that she actually argued with him about it, justifying her crime by saying "I'm JUST GOING OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES!!" and he obviously replied "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING YOU BETTER MOVE YOUR CAR BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU AND STICK YOUR HEAD ON A PIKE AS A WARNING TO ALL OTHERS"
or something to that effect... She refused to move so Kevin did as promised and her head is now on the roof of the buiding. It's unfortunate because she had a family to support, but I think her family is probably better off without her. When we told her husband what had happened, he totally understood.

But do these offenders get tickets?? Do they get towed at their own expense? NO. Because the police in this town are too busy pulling over teenagers and minorities to actually correct a violation that is affecting the people and specifically a business. When I see 4 cop cars pulling over one person it becomes obvious that, aside from the unlikely event of a violent shoot out or drug bust that require such back up, the cops have NOTHING BETTER TO DO. They are like swarms of bees waiting to attack a helpless child, just like in My Girl. In fact I think it's fair to say that police in general ARE those wasps that killed cute little Macaulay Culkin. Poor Macaulay...

And yet, we can't even locate the "special" police (in other words, the retarded police) to ticket the car.

I got a fucking parking ticket for parking in the "wrong direction" on my street outside my own house in my parking spot. What kind of logic is there behind this law? There is none whatsoever. If a man can't park his own car outside his own house without worrying about anal cops giving tickets to fill quotas, while braindead assholes use the post road as their parking playground violating multiple parking laws that are in place for a reason, well I ask you: What kind of world do we live in?
I actually went to the station to fight this parking ticket I got and the cop laughed at me and said "yea, I was one of the cops in the car that gave you that ticket."(good to know it took multiple officers to write out a parking ticket at 2:30 in the morning) and I said "well, then what's the point of this ticket?" and he said something to the effect of "it doesn't matter, you got a ticket and you have to pay it". Well great, I'm glad to be financing the towns spending with erroneous tickets. Thanks a lot officer, you truly do serve and protect for the good of the citizens.

One time someone (a woman, yes) parked her car blocking our drive way for about 4 hours. After we finally found the "special" cop, do you think he gave her a ticket or got her towed? No, neither. He spent his time looking in stores for the woman (or so he told us) and never found her. Then he waited outside the car for her like a chump and when she finally showed up, obviously trying to ignore what she had done and ignore the cop, he simply told her that she was parked in a driveway and she nodded and drove away. Good job, officer. Justice was served, and people were finally able to leave the Media Wave parking lot.

Here's the bottom line in the most fair and accurate way I can put it: Women are stupid. They should not be allowed to drive.
The cops in this town are, for the most part, completely useless and act only in the interest of quotas and money for the town. Laws are made for the betterment of society, cops are not supposed to be out to get people but out to help them. But they are supposed to give tickets to fucking idiots who block driveways!

Here is one of the first results of the Google Image Search for "Women Drivers"

"I was on my cellphone and I just assumed the boat would move. I had no idea there'd be water there. Wait til the owner of that boat hears from my lawyer!"
At least she has her bottled water.

-Jordan, proud member of No Ma'am
*Disclaimer: The views presented on this page may not be shared by all affiliates of Media Wave Video Co. Namely Drew, the blind feminist. If you ask me, he's sorta queer too.


  • At 2:41 AM, Anonymous Lumbergh-in-training said…

    just slash the tyres.

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Johnny Babu said…

    not to mention these bitchez drive the biggest, must lumbersome, gas guzzling chunks of metal we refer to as the "SUV," but is more of a "i sucked mad dick for this vehicle" just to drive around in them on their cell phones cause they've got nothing better to do all day. it's very unfortunate though that most of these women are top grade MILFS, but still, they're jerks.


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