Trapped In The Closet Complete Saga Preview

Among the greatest artists and poets of all time, one man stands out as the most innovative, the most inspiring, the most influential, the most prolific and creative musically and lyrically. He breaks more ground than he does hymans, he's the one who originally wanted to define the logic of our sexxx laws and now he's defining the logic of how long a song with the same continuous beat can be. He's R. KELLY and he's bringing the public the thrilling conclusion the his epic "urban operetta": Trapped In The Closet parts 6-12!
This masterpiece of stupidity somehow played the biggest musical joke on the world and got what should have been a clever parody of classic R. Kelly material and his laughable tendencies (like detailing every thing unneccesarily, writing lyrics like lists, being really dirty and blunt, and reusing the same beats) to be considered as a landmark of songwriting and longform video making.

The first 5 chapters gave us more twists and turns than you'd get riding on an icy road with a drunk driver, but with R. Kelly its a lot scarier... and sexier. Here's an attempt at a general synopsis of what I remember about the first 5 parts:

7 oclock in the mornin, Baretta, Closet, shit think shit think, He says "yes" I say "no" he says "yes "I say "no", Let's do it Christian-like, Gay Dude, Oh my God a rubber, Cop, Bitch get off my leg, You're the gretest lover, she says "Uhh" I say "uh what?!", Who the fuck is Roxanne??

Make whatever sense you want of that, I haven't.
My theory is that at the very end R. Kelly will end up being gay. It's called Trapped In The Closet, after all... I mean, commmee on!

This is only a preview of the upcoming chapters, and if it's anything as amazing as what I saw on Best Week Ever, well then we're in store for the greatest comedy gem this world has ever seen. All I know is that someone gets shot! yes! SHOT! Finally R.Kelly shuts his mouth and lets his baretta do the talking.
Check out my coverage of the VMAs HERE where R. performed bits and pieces of the next chapters LIVE where he played all the characters himself - at the same time. Needless to say, it was confusing. A lot of repeating names over and over, and I think you can expect at least 4 full minutes of that in the new chapters.

Also check out this post about the Trapped In The Closet Cliff's Notes and Pitchfork's horrible unbelievely positive review of the album where the review actually describes how R. Kelly's dong tastes as he was sucking on it.

The Complete Saga is coming out on Nov. 1st (THIS TUESDAY!!!) and hopefully we'll be getting it tomorrow, making Trapped In The Closet's reputation as a great musical work the best halloween costume ever. VH1 will be showing the whole longform video, a new staple in great filmmaking (ch. 1-5 are already being taught at NYU film school), on Wednesday night. I plan on having at least 1 viewing party before then. Contact us (see email link on right) to join the fun and check back for full, partial or half-assed coverage of the final chapter to, dare I say it, THE GREATEST WORK OF ART IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

-Jordan