The REAL "Funky Monkey"

As you know, I've spent a lot of time on this blog (and in my life) talking about monkeys with the ability to lead corporations or fight crime. Sometimes both (like here, and here). Animal movie classics like "The Barefoot Executive" and "MXP: Most Xtreme Primate" show us that humans aren't the only ones who can lead miserable lives of quiet desperation in a corporate office, or xcell at Xtreme! sports (I think there should always be an !). In fact "The Barefoot Executive" will now be seen as not just a monkey classic (and one of the first steps of the Primate Rights Revolution which I predict for the next decade, which will give way to the violent ape uprising and ultimately the Planet of the Apes), but a chillingly prophetic tale predicting the state of the presidency today, and to a lesser extent, extreme sports.

Some more modern films focus on when monkeys ask not what their country can do for them but what they can do for their country like "Spymate", in which the government uses their best kept weapon - a clever primate - to save the world from the domination of a megalomaniac evil scientist; and the growing world of environmentalist ninja monkeys like "Funky Monkey", about a "high tech super chimp" who's a sex machine to all the chicks who goes up against an evil animal testing facility and helps a young boy genius find love. Did I mention Funky Monkey is also a super-Ninja secret agent football star, or something?

But while I knew in my heart that we would someday, as a people, be at the point where monkeys really did work amung us in the office, or really did save the world, I also knew that we were not there yet. Monkeys were not there yet, though "Monkey News" shows us that they've certainly been working on it.

Ladies and gentleman, that day has arrived.
Witness the real life "Funky Monkey"



Some might see this as a treat to the nation (Planet of the Apes, here we come), some might see it as a gift. I see it as the #1 way to fight terrorism, and boredom... and other monkeys. Either way, we must recognize the reality that there are monkeys out there being trained to fight and soon enough these monkeys will band together as an army. These are just cold hard facts, people. Whether they are with us or against us is the question at hand.

Well, the answer to that important question is: they're clearly against us. Just like Saddam Hussein and Al-Queda, our government has been training monkeys who will later turn into enemies of the country.
Check out this horrifying article about what happens
WHEN MONKEYS GO BAD!

There is a gang of murderous chimps on the loose from a monkey "sanctuary", or in less senstive "PC" terms, a monkey insane asylum. As the article says, a few security personnel simply entered the monkey facility and weren't looking for trouble. The chimps started hassling them, throwing a barrage of "yo mamma" insults and feces at them, and then murdered the security guards in cold blood. I can only assume they hijacked a vehicle and literally high-tailed it out of there.

My advice to this country: Arm yourselves. If you're lucky enough to not be attacked by a brutal human-killing chimp gang this week, the odds are one of your family members will. The 2nd amendment has never been more important - we may not be fighting against the tyranny of the British, but the tyranny of nomad monkey gangs hell bent on the destruction of man kind and taking back the earth. We all knew this day would come, they've already put one of their own in the white house, destroying the world from the inside out.
You have been warned.

-Jordan

Even vampires get lonely

This guy just came up to rent something and after I looked up his account I noticed he had an embarrassing movie out late, so I decided to go ahead and mention it anyway.
"Did you bring back 'Crimson Nights'? It's 3 days late"

He gives a very hearty laugh and says with an amusing sense of conviction, maybe even pride, "Oooh YEA!! I returned it, it is definitely late. Boy was I drunk that night! I came in here and said to myself, 'hey, this store is fucked up, why the hell not?!'"

To understand the real humor in this, aside from the fact that he was drunk and said that The Wave is "fucked up" (which gives me endless amusement on its own), the movie "Crimson Night" has a subtitle to it that you should know.
"Crimson Nights: Vampire's Seduction".



Yea, he rented soft-core vampire porn... I guess you'd have to be drunk. But then again, we are the ones who carry soft-core vampire porn, and a lot of it to be honest, so is it The Wave that's fucked up for carrying it, or is it fucked up that there is a sizable market demand for this particular genre?

The answer, of course, is neither. What kind of movie rental store would we be if we didn't carry vampire porn, and more importantly, what kind of world would it be if there was no vampire porn? I wouldn't want to be a vampire in that world, that's for sure.


For the record, I am in no way adverse to any kind of porn, soft-core, vampire or otherwise.

I love when we get guys who think it's funny to ask if we have a porn section to get a laugh out of their friends, and then when I say "yea, sort of - it's over there, top shelf", they go "no shit, really? hold on guys I'm gonna check this out". Awkward... What kind of homo rents porn with his friends?

There's this one guy who goes straight for anything even close to porn. He came in yesterday and asked if we had the new releases for the week up for rental yet and we said yes thinking he wanted "Match Point" or something. Instead he comes up to the counter with the one kinky mature movie we got, which is actually a cult sci-fi lesbian vampire sex horror film from the 80's, Evils Of The Night. It doesn't matter what the plot of the film is, the suggestion of nudity seems to be the only thing that inspires this man to rent anything. However, the fact that it's alien vampire porn doesn't hurt.
This might actually find it's way to the DVD's of the Week post because it's so brilliant.
"Alien vampires have just landed from outer space in search of the one substance they need to survive... TEENAGE BLOOD!"

The synopsis from IMDB is "Sex-hungry teens are kidnapped by auto mechanics, who take them to a rural hospital run by aliens who need their blood as the key to their own longevity. "

It's an obvious allegory for the consumerism, indulgence and conservative government of the 1980's, and I say well done!.

By the way, I'm pretty drunk right now so when I wrote this post I was like "it's pretty fucked up... what the hell!"

-Jordan

Happy Easter

Let's remember exactly what Easter means. It's not about bunny rabbits or chocolate eggs, it's about celebrating the sacrifice made by the man who has shown us the light. It's about being more like Mel Gibson.

This Easter, be more like Mel and sit down and have a chat with Jesus face to face. He's done enough tellin us what to do.

Mel Gibson, telling Jesus what's what.




I spent my "holiday" at The Wave with Drew, who may very well be the anti-christ (we'll find out on 06-06-06), while a hand full of people wandered into the store to ruin our quiet time. We thought about playing The Passion of the Christ on repeat for the entire day to drive people out with its brutal graphic violence, by then we realized it would probably just bring a lot of people in with its message... of watching brutal graphic violence. Instead we just performed some of our trademark impromptu vocal jam sessions and that drove most people out anyway.
It has been funny to listen to people ask Adam, the most Jewish looking Jew in the world, why we're open on Easter, as if they assume everyone in town is celebrating Easter. Since Adam's people are the reason for Easter happening in the first place, I think he should have had to work the whole day by himself.

Anyway...

Now, to amuse myself, here are some of those obnoxious GodSpeaks billboard messages that remind us that God is ultra-hip by referencing current pop culture trends,


and that religion is stubbornly archaic, keeping progress just out of reach...

which, in it's own way, is pretty hip considering all the liberal scienceheads that consume the media these days with their anti-American "scientific theory".

Happy Easter

-Jordan

DVDs of the Week (at last!)

This week's long awaited DVD's of the Week post (going on several months since the last one) is an example of quality over quantity. Call me lazy, but I just didn't find that many DVD's worth mocking this week.
Like most DVD's of the week, these are extremely unique and groundbreaking films that go to great lengths to break established stereotypes and break the mold of popular movies.
Our first film does as much to advance the Mexican culture as it does to advance the art of film.

Tortillas Again?( La Movie)
I can't tell you how many times I've said that. Seriously, and I'm not even a beaner.

You probably thought "Comedy" was a pretty straight forward genre, right? Wrong. These days there is an even better branch of that genre called "Ethnic Comedy". It's where you'd file Carlos Mencia if he were funny.
I swear, every DVD cover on my personal picks list has to have at least one character looking up at the wacky star, giving the ol' "oh no you didn't" or "you so crazy" look, with their arms folded, and this character should preferably be a stereotypical ethnic mother. (see: Chooch and Ganked in my previous DVDOTW Post)
Considering that neither IMDB.com or Amazon.com have any kind of plot or review listing, in fact IMDB.com doesn't even list the movie as existing at all, I'm going to link you to the high quality TRAILER which involves at least 1 naked, soaped up Mexican and includes the classic Mexicano line, "wake up and smell the hot sauce", and it makes a special point to distinguish it as "Tortillas Again? La Movie", not to be confused with "Tortillas Again?" La acclaimed television series and La forthcoming Broadway musical.

The little Chihuahua at the bottom of the DVD does not make an appearance in the trailer, but I'm sure he's hilarious, as all Chihuahuas are. You can't see it in this small image, but he seems to have a mouse trap on his ear... Tremendous.

The studios website says that part of their goal is "trying to change Latino Stereotypes in Films", and I say keep up the good work guys!

Whoever said "there is no Matt Damon/Ben Affleck writing team in the Latino community as of yet" obviously hasn't seen this film (I think Matt and Ben were actually the ones to say that, perhaps during a fight with J-Lo). The script was written by the director's scruffy-faced 22 year old son and his friend, who are considered to be "the Matt Damon and Ben Affleck of the Latino community" (by his father, the director of the movie they wrote).
Interesting side note, Drew and I are considered to be the Matt Dillon and the Casey Affleck of the bearded community.

I can only imagine the wackiness that ensues with the guy playing guitar on the rooftop, but I'll have to watch it to find out and last time I checked I have slightly better things to do with my time, like watch our next movie of the week...



SPYMATE
If you know anything about me, you know I have a certain place in my heart (and my blog- click & scroll down) for movies that put kooky animals in human environments, and/or in tuxedos (see: The Barefoot Executive), and especially when it's a monkey.
Spymate takes the American government's next step in spy technology & development after its unsuccessful experiments with pre-teen Special Agents (which, despite the moderately entertaining films that it inspired, actually left many young Agents severely injured or dead) and puts it on film in an uncompromising look at the fast-paced thrilling life of an international super spy/sex symbol.
If you've found yourself a little disappointed with the last few Bond movies, which are decidedly lacking in the primate department, this movie will be a refreshing change for you.

(My favorite part of the cover is his Agent ID - they really went all out and took the exact same shot of him standing there and just shrunk it and put it in his wallet. Brilliant)

I think now more than ever, in these post-9/11 times, the world needs a film like this to both warm our hearts and to advocate international security without the use of guns and bombs. As you can see from the DVD cover, the monkey uses a banana instead of a gun and he doesn't look any less intimidating or dangerous. It certainly makes for a lot more people slipping on bananas left on the floor for hilarious results. If anything, the banana method is even more frightening and effective against criminals, as is the strangle-by-feet tactic seen to the left.

This film comes to us from the brilliant director/producer of the Air Bud and MVP series (he seems to have found his nitch) which have proven to be the longest and best animal movie series, respectively, beating out Beethoven just for the fact that Beethoven never wore a soccer jersey or performed Xtreme winter sports. He didn't even play the piano for crying out loud! My version of Beethoven would have been to re-imagine the famous classic composer as the St. Bernard, putting a whole new spin on history and taking some of the fluff out of those 18th century frilly shirts! Mozart wouldn't know what hit him, and "roll over Beethoven" would take on an even more literal meaning than they so cleverly used in the movie.

There are so many things right with this that it is at the very least an equal to its predecessors. First of all, the name of the monkey is Minkey. Perfect name for a monkey - hey, it almost rhymes!
Secondly, the story revolves around a little girl who is so smart that at the age of 10 she somehow invents and develops a revolutionary laser (of course) that an evil scientist needs to complete his villainous plans to destroy the world (of course).
Not only does the monkey use some martial arts moves that rival The Matrix (Next movie: The Apetrix?), but it actually has Mr. Miyagi himself, Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, playing the stereotypical asian karate trainer role that he got famous for (luckily this was just shy of being his last movie, but I think his last one is a movie called "Coming Attractions", a parody movie in which Pat plays a parody of himself. Interesting. Sad, but interesting).

I can only imagine that the training scene in Spymate rivals the one in Kill Bill V.2, yet another movie that could have benefited from the inclusion of a monkey in the cast. (Note: ALL movies could benefit from a monkey in the cast, including Air Bud)
Thirdly, this monkey does everything. It's as if it is a culmination of all the other MVP movies and this monkey has all the skills it worked so hard to attain in those films. As you can see from the picture, this monkey does not shy away from a mission no matter what it requires or how his life is risked, even if it means snowboarding down a mountain being chased by a huge avalanche! Now, don't confuse this picture for the similarly AWESOME film MXP: Most Xtreme Primate, where he does just about the same thing.

But don't take my word for it, here's the AMAZING TRAILER! You thought the MI:3 trailer got you pumped, well hold on to your asses, folks!


Very astute readers will surely remember that the same kind of monkey-agent was attempted by the government and depicted in the film "Funky Monkey". My only explination for another agent of the exact same nature is due to 1 of 2 things: the amount of international terrorism in the world has escalated to become too great for just one ninja monkey-agent to handle; or, the original monkey-agent had too much power and turned rogue, meaning that eventually Funky Monkey and Spymate will have finally face each other in an battle of epic monkey proportions. I'd bet on the latter, especially because for some reason that very battle ends up as the subject of many a dream of mine...





-Jordan

For other inspiring films, check out these great posts:
-Film Classics of the Urban Variety (critics say, "Best post ever")
-Maybe my personal favorite (besides the gay ones): Bikinki Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Ganked, Chooch, and Nekromantik etc. Where the classic "Boughetto" term first appeared and started a pop culture phenomenon! (also, editors pick at blogcritics.org!)
-Samurai Boners, Teen Witch, Lou Ferrigno and Lifetime
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 1 - Including The Hole and Slutty Summer
-Gay Movies are So Gay V. 2 - Including The Fluffer and No Skin Off My Ass
-The one that started it all: Stallone's real masterpiece: Over The Top, Funky Monkey/ Monkey Picks, Twin Sitters etc

The Mark of the Beast

I don't mean to alarm the masses, but I have just witnessed a sign of the apocalypse:
Someone just recieved $6.66 as their change!
FUCK, the mark of the beast.
As soon as they walked out the door they were impaled by a lamp post that fell over after a car hit it when swerving for a black cat crossing the street. Also damaged in the accident were several mirrors in the neighboring mirror shop that just happened to be there. This can only mean bad things.

Right after that an old man with a pointy black goatee walked in and I had no choice but to take the shotgun kept under the counter and blow his devil ass away. It turns out that he wasn't the devil after all, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

-Jordan

In other 666 news, "al gore - 666",
and there's a pretty sweet mutant biker gang you should check out

A couple things

Sean and I were hanging out behind the counter just doin the damn thing and he looks over to the kids section, laughs and tells me to quickly look there too. As I turn my head, I see a little girl literally hanging on the dvd shelves, using the bottom shelf as a foot hold and leaning backwards, hoping the top shelf which she had latched onto would hold her weight. It did not. Right as I turned to see what she was doing, the shelf gives out and she goes flying off the wall butt-first onto the floor. She fell like 4 feet from the wall to the floor.
It was so fucking funny, but her parents were there so we coudln't laugh much. She didn't get hurt, but she made a nice little mess.
Needless to say, we were cracking up about it for a while. Kids are so dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I don't really understand why people have such a hard time understanding the concept of a BONUS FEATURES DISC. The function of the disc is implied in the title: BONUS (as in it contains extra things, matertial that is added to enhance the viewing experience, and also that it is an included as a bonus and therefor doesn't cost anything) FEATURES (as in supplemental features, added content for the pleasure of the viewer) DISC (as in it is all contained on a disc, just as the movie is, although since this is extra features it has it's own disc, which is a bonus to the disc with the movie on it). It's pretty simple stuff, and yet here is an example of the kind of questions I get every god damn day:

Me: would you like the bonus features disc that comes with it?
Customer: What? (confused, frightened look) I don't know what you're talking about! What
does that mean?
Me: "Memoirs of a Geisha" has a bonus feature disc, do you want it?
Customer: NO.

OK, what the balls? I purposely answered her question with almost exactly the same words that confused her the first time and all of the sudden she understands and, of course, doesn't want it. I mean, if you really like a movie why would you have any interest in added bonus features about it? You wouldn't, so I can't understand why studios keep putting time into making them!

As another example of this, the average dialogue goes like this:

Me: You got the Batman Begins DELUXE 2-DISC EDITION, should I assume you want the bonus features disc?
Customer: HUH?!? What are you saying to me? A whazza whazza disc? A bonus whatta disc?
Me: A BONUS FEATURES DISC.
Customer: Uhhh what on earth is a bonus features disc? What could this possibly be?
Me: It's a disc ...
that has bonus features
Customer: Well what do you mean bonus features? What's on it?
Me: You know, like bonus material, extra features,
supplemental stuff
Customer: Ooooh. Well does it cost anything extra?
Me: No, it's a bonus.
Customer: Ok.. No, I don't want it.

By the end of the whole ordeal it isn't worth even asking, I should just assume no one wants it. My point is these are simple words I'm using, and I keep using the same ones: BONUS, FEATURE, DISC. I use those very same words to answer the question about What is a bonus feature disc? because THE ANSWER IS IN THE FUCKING QUESTION!!


And finally,
This woman came in and said "where's that other guy with great hair?"
I said, "ma'am, all of the employees at Media Wave have great hair, I'm not sure what you're implying"
and she said "Of course, I mean the guy with the huuge brown hair. It's PERFECT! I LOVE IT!"
"Oh, Adam. Yea, his hair is pretty perfect, I guess..."
She says "No, it is PERFECT. I LOVE IT. I told him I do, I just want to touch it!. It's just so awesome. It's 'GO TO HELL' HAIR!'"
"Go to hell hair?" I ask
"Yea, like he doesn't even care, he's just telling the world to GO TO HELL! with that hair! and it's so perfect, like a wig, I love that!"


Adam's "GO TO HELL" Hair/"Get Crunked" Hoodie

As soon as she left I got her driver's license number and Adam got a restraining order on her.


Hopefully some more wacky adventures this weekend!

-Jordan

Do dogs have hands?

Tonight at work I decided that we should watch my absolute favorite childhood movie, the unparalleled masterpiece "Snoopy, Come Home". It's an emotional rollercoaster that shaped my life, and I am so unbelievably excited that it came out on DVD that I can hardly contain myself.

So in this film, Snoopy faces the problems of discrimination when he tries to go to the beach with Peppermint Patty but his fun is ruined by a sign that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". What else can he do but pubically protest this injustice? So he has Woodstock type up a letter to the editor of the local newspaper expressing his outrage, and signs it with the stamp of his paw.
Sean and I had the following conversation about it, which he found quite interesting:

Sean: I think I want to write a letter to the editor of my newspaper that is stamped with a dogs foot print
Me: What makes you think it wasn't Snoopy's hand print?
Sean: Do dogs have hands?
Me: What do you think?
Sean: They have 4 legs, there are feet on legs
Me: except on dogs
Sean: huh? dogs have 4 legs... so 4 feet
Me: Yes: they have hands on their feet
Sean: ... whoa..... what you just said put me in another place.

I blew his fucking mind. He could hardly function properly for the rest of the day, which made today no different for him than any other day.

This is just a small example of the inane conversations that have been had since Sean joined the work force. Welcome aboard, Sean.

-Jordan

Anime Porn DVD of the week

Ah, Japanese Anime Porn. It's like real porn, only a lot more animated... and a lot more Japanese. In this case, that means twistedly sadistic, violent and bizarre... Oh ok, it means that in all cases.
Typically these films involve demon sex gods, often with multiple snake-like tenticles (Freud?), futuristic sex machines (as in literal machines, not James Brown) who may also be demonically possessed, sci-fi sex beasts, young budding school girls (lesbians who enjoy the hole and the pole, depending on the bidding of their demon sex god machine) and graphic violence administered abundantly on Asian girls with ginormously oversized breasts.

I guess when you think about, it's no different than your average American porn, huh?

The Japanese have a very blunt way of using porn to over compensate for their obvious sexual insecurities (e.g. in anime porn most of the men are big, tall & muscular hunks with enormous... hands. And the girls have abnormally huge... eyes.
And when I say "hands" I mean schlongs, and when I say "eyes" I mean gazungas, in case that wasn't clear)

When you work at a family-friendly store like The Wave, the absurd amount of disturbing XXX anime porn that you see being rented shocks you at first but then makes you laugh yourself silly. Later on in the process you cry, and then you're shocked again when you start renting it and enjoying it yourself. So it's a cycle... just like life.

This may or may not become a new featured series on The Showcase of Depravity, but this week's staff pick for Best New Anime Porn is:




Midnight Strike Force
Actual tag line: "Justice has never been so naked"
The only kind of Strike Force that has Midnight in the title is either severly ass-kicking or highly sexual. Mathematically there are 2 possibile things a Force does at midnight - Striking somebody down or striking some guys schlong in their mouth (credit that line to Drewski). So, that's the science of it.

Here's the way they put it on the description on the back of the box (and yes, this is seriously what it says, word for word):

"A super-secret cult of lesbians performs erotic experiments on bodies from the local hospital! Their purpose: to revive the spirit of their ancient leader in a virile human form. Now it's up to the Midnight Strike Force, a team of busty justice fighters, to go undercover (and under the covers) to stop the nefarious acolytes before they succeed in their diabolically dirty schemes!"

Finally, a midnight strike force that actually get the job done! America could learn from these fearless nymphos. I've always said it couldn't hurt the police force in this country to be a little bustier, it might help them in fighting for justice. But so far, those letters have gone unanswered. Way to go, "democracy".


When I read this, I stopped at "...performs erotic experiments on bodies from the local hospital". You don't really need much more of a plot than that - you've got your secret lesbian cult, you've got your unspeakable sex acts... that's a whole plot right there. Hollywood has used that forumla for years, the film pretty much writes itself from there on out. But this film takes the extra step further and, as if anyone was asking for one, reveals an actual practical purpose for this set up, which is, of course, for the lesbians to revive their demon sex god into well-hung human form. There's that demon sex god thing I was talking about before... It's like clockwork.

The real question is whether or not we want to stop a lesbain cult from reviving their sex god? Can it really be that bad? And even if we do, will they actually get done or will the busty justice fighters just end up in an all out orgy? I think you know the answer to that. After all, it does say that in order to go undercover they have to go under the covers, there's guaranteed to be sexy results.

I can only assume from the cover of this DVD that the Midnight Srike Force strikes in the nude (strategically brilliant, allowing them to easily move in and out of sticking situations - like each others vaginas - without the bulky nusiance of clothing getting in the way), and based on the glasses on the one to the right, one of them is the brains of the opperation.

I'm not going to admit that Drew and I watched this thrilling film together, just like I won't admit that we serviced eachother while watching it, or that this all took place behind the counter during business hours. But I will say this: Justice really has never been so naked.

-Jordan

Related links:
Read about Japan's latest advancement toward the robot apocalypse: The sex android
and their first step toward the robot apocalypse (which they are obviously looking foward to since they are propelling it in order to enslave their women with sex robots): Nintendogs, or The End of Civilization as we know it

Use your fucking head, would you?

This might not be a frustration sympathized with or understood by some of the actual customers of this store, but nevertheless I'm going to vent something that has to be of the most annoying things ever.

We have a fairly simple system once you understand it (which should happen once we tell you what it is):
New releases are on the wall with 1 (sometimes 2) display box(es) face out showing what the movie is and multiple cards behind each box representing the DVD discs that are in stock. If you want a new release, you take the card behind the box. It is obvious that the single box is just displaying the movie.

Right? Easy enough?

So I can understand people not being aware of our system and maybe because of Cockbusters being used to taking boxes off the wall (even though they also use the display box system and you take a movie box behind it), however my complaint comes from people who are told exactly what to do and still don't do it right.

This guy just took up the display box only. My first problem with this is simple vision mixed with logic. You're looking for "A History of Violence", which is really popular new release title. By seeing that there is only 1 display box and taking it up to get the disc indicates, to me anyway, that you believe there is only 1 disc available. As in the box=getting the disc, 1 box=1 disc. If you bring up the display box, leaving no other display box, then no one else will be able to rent that movie.
Not only the mathematical logic, but the fact that if you're using your eyes to see the display box with big letters and bright colors saying the movie you want and then you take it off the shelf, presumably your eyes will also register that there is a large, unmistakable stack of black cards behind it with that same movie title on it. What on earth do you suppose those cards are for???

By this logic, only 1 person would get a copy of any new release, and once they did that they new release walls would be completely bare because everyone took down the boxes. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Then I tell this guy the correct way to do it, that you only need the card, and he comes back with the card AND the box!
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS?!?!

WHY WOULD WE NEED THE BOX AS WELL AS THE CARD? We don't need the box at all!!

Sometimes people hand me a new release movie for sale, CLEARLY marked with a $21.95 price tag AND a big plastic security box. At the same time they hand me a card for a new release rental movie. I get them both and ring them up with the total of $25 or whatever it is, and they say "oh no, I wanted that for rental".
WELL YOU BROUGHT ME THE SALE COPY YOU MORON! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN!

I know this is a long post, but it really doesn't require this kind of analyzing in order to arrive at this logic. It would seem natural to me.
I can even understand some customers who don't get it at first, or forget what the system is. But this happens with people who have been customers for 7 fucking years! Get a damn clue already!

Anyway
That's my rant for the day...
There will be some more stupid question posts tomorrow, and they're good ones. You can bet your bottom dollar on that shit.

-Jordan

APRIL FOOL'Z!

APRIL FOOL'Z!!!

I found this one site that had a bunch of vintage April Fool's post card with hilarious and bizarre pictures.  Keep in mind that some of these pictures depict animals in compromising positions. No, it's not heaven, it's 18th century France. 

The old exploding cigar trick! That one is a doozy. I've tried that a few times in my day and more often than not it ends up in a trip to the hospital and, in the worst case scenario, a face transplant.

However, for the few times this prank went off without a hitch (assuming I didn't plan on the destroying someone's face, or your definition of a "hitch"), it's definitely worth sending a few Fool's to the hospital for the sake of humor and national tradition. They deserve it anyway, after all they are the Fool.

In case you were wondering, this is what you guys would have looked like if you were to look in a mirror yesterday. The picture of an April Fool.
I like this one because it comes from a time when cigars weren't just for old men, crafty potheads and creative Presidents.
Even still, there is just no way that I will be able to say NO to a cigar that is offered to me, regardless of the date. It just looks too damn tempting. It's a risk I'm willing to take for that cool tobacco flavor.




This is very silly. I mean come on, it's fish wearing bonnets and hats, skipping along some aristocratic property from the 1800's. Also, because it reminds me of the last acid trip I had... at least, I thought it was an acid trip. It may have been a memory of Mary Poppins. They tend to be one and the same.

Oh how foolish these fish look, it's positively absurd! April Fool's Day is the height of hilarity.






And my personal favorite...
This is obviously a picture of... um, er... 2 well dressed clowns who are clearly... doing something, with a couple geese, geese being the equivalent of pet dogs for clowns back in 19th Century France. And this wonderful depiction of every day French life wouldn't be complete without the little pig, standing upright, operating some kind of device or doing something?

OOOOhhh OK, now I get it. The clowns are fixing their bicycle tire! And the geese and the pig are helping them... do that... what?

I think the biggest April Fool's joke is the one played on modern people by nature when she commanded that animals stop interacting with people and helping them with chores and mechanical problems. Think of the kind of world this would be if each of us had a pig walking around helping us fix our busted bike tires, or whatever else a pig could do... which, is apparently, anything. There's an old sarcasm that goes "you're as useful as a pig at a dance," which I now understand to mean "very useful."





Happy April Fool's Day everyone!

The End of Dayz

Well, I knew this day would come but it came suddenly and without warning. It is the end of days for The Showcase of Depravity.
You may have heard about one woman who googled "media wave" and found a post on this blog that she thought was directed specifically towards her? (it wasn't). Well, that was the first sign. Now our mocking and outright bashing of particular customers, or one in particular, has come crashing down on the whole structure.
I am sorry to report, but Paul J (owner) has forced me to put and end to this website because of a customer, a very rude and angry customer, who googled his own name and found the one post we wrote about a specific customer using his name.
Legally, I can't use his name and I had to edit it out of the post, but here is the infamous post in question: "Cheap Asshole". You may remember it from last summer, but I hardly remembered it myself.
When Paul brought this to my attention he took me in the back to speak to me privately. He had with him 1 letter from the customer that was so angry it was almost too hot to touch. You might say it was too hot to handle, but too cold to hold. He also had with him a letter from the man's lawyer insisting that if Media Wave didn't want any charges brought against it for defamation of character that we should disable the website immediately. I was shocked, and Paul was finally ready to kill me. I seriously doubt any real legal action could be taken in any form at all, but it's enough for Paul to be threatened. I guess if you read between the lines I did say that someone should beat him up, and I did threaten to use his credit card to charge expensive things on the internet. But there aren't rules about that, are there?

You live, you learn. Like Alanis said.

So, it's been fun people. We've learned a lot about human behavior and the workingman's experiences. Hopefully we've made some friends along the way, and hopefully we've made even more enemies.
Check out What The Balls? and Zombie Politics for further blogging as well as Brooklyn We Back for your radio sex pleasures.

Please leave us some love before it's over.

Much Love

-Jordan, Drew, Kina, Jeff, and anyone else who has helped make this blog possible. It truly was, and is still, a showcase of depravity.