The REAL "Funky Monkey"

As you know, I've spent a lot of time on this blog (and in my life) talking about monkeys with the ability to lead corporations or fight crime. Sometimes both (like here, and here). Animal movie classics like "The Barefoot Executive" and "MXP: Most Xtreme Primate" show us that humans aren't the only ones who can lead miserable lives of quiet desperation in a corporate office, or xcell at Xtreme! sports (I think there should always be an !). In fact "The Barefoot Executive" will now be seen as not just a monkey classic (and one of the first steps of the Primate Rights Revolution which I predict for the next decade, which will give way to the violent ape uprising and ultimately the Planet of the Apes), but a chillingly prophetic tale predicting the state of the presidency today, and to a lesser extent, extreme sports.

Some more modern films focus on when monkeys ask not what their country can do for them but what they can do for their country like "Spymate", in which the government uses their best kept weapon - a clever primate - to save the world from the domination of a megalomaniac evil scientist; and the growing world of environmentalist ninja monkeys like "Funky Monkey", about a "high tech super chimp" who's a sex machine to all the chicks who goes up against an evil animal testing facility and helps a young boy genius find love. Did I mention Funky Monkey is also a super-Ninja secret agent football star, or something?

But while I knew in my heart that we would someday, as a people, be at the point where monkeys really did work amung us in the office, or really did save the world, I also knew that we were not there yet. Monkeys were not there yet, though "Monkey News" shows us that they've certainly been working on it.

Ladies and gentleman, that day has arrived.
Witness the real life "Funky Monkey"



Some might see this as a treat to the nation (Planet of the Apes, here we come), some might see it as a gift. I see it as the #1 way to fight terrorism, and boredom... and other monkeys. Either way, we must recognize the reality that there are monkeys out there being trained to fight and soon enough these monkeys will band together as an army. These are just cold hard facts, people. Whether they are with us or against us is the question at hand.

Well, the answer to that important question is: they're clearly against us. Just like Saddam Hussein and Al-Queda, our government has been training monkeys who will later turn into enemies of the country.
Check out this horrifying article about what happens
WHEN MONKEYS GO BAD!

There is a gang of murderous chimps on the loose from a monkey "sanctuary", or in less senstive "PC" terms, a monkey insane asylum. As the article says, a few security personnel simply entered the monkey facility and weren't looking for trouble. The chimps started hassling them, throwing a barrage of "yo mamma" insults and feces at them, and then murdered the security guards in cold blood. I can only assume they hijacked a vehicle and literally high-tailed it out of there.

My advice to this country: Arm yourselves. If you're lucky enough to not be attacked by a brutal human-killing chimp gang this week, the odds are one of your family members will. The 2nd amendment has never been more important - we may not be fighting against the tyranny of the British, but the tyranny of nomad monkey gangs hell bent on the destruction of man kind and taking back the earth. We all knew this day would come, they've already put one of their own in the white house, destroying the world from the inside out.
You have been warned.

-Jordan