How to make people uncomfortable without really trying

The other day this customer said something that was strikingly bizarre and therefore absurdly funny...
However, before I give you the money shot quote or any more adverbs, there's some background:
I should mention that this particular customer, who I'll refer to as Mr. Awkward, is strange enough as it is and manages to delicately balance being really nice and making me feel really uncomfortable. He's got these eyes... these freaky eyes that don't move from their locked position on your face (or you crotch, depending) no matter what nature of conversation you're having with him. He's one of those 50-something guys who looks hard as nails (nothing brokeback) but is super sweet, forcing me to question his sexuality and his motivation for certain conversations on more than one occasion.
His sexuality having nothing directly to do with his quote, I'll move on.

So it was a busy evening at The Wave, lots of customers and chaos abound. He steps up and impliments one of his classic "make people uncomfrotable" tactics: The long stare & The unnecessarily long thought-out answer to everyday meaningless questions. It's a classic.
Example:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Him: (Staring at me with intense concentration and a huge cheshire cat smile)...... I'm... (thinks about it) ... I'm GREAT, and how are you sir?
Me: Quite well, thank you
Him: (after a few seconds of thought and more staring)... Really? Are you really?
Me: um.. Yep!
Him: (ear-to-ear smile still plastered on face) Well that's good to hear
Me: Yes, isn't it? How about I get your movies and get you out of the store ASAP? Ok? Excellent.

It's great to have a genuine "how are you?" conversation as opposed to the constantly insincere repetative kind, but this man has no emotional (or financial, as far as I know) investment in my life, and he sees me like once a week, so what the fuck is his deal? Why is he so obscenely interested in how I'm REALLY doing? And why the fuck is he staring like that!? What the balls?

In the meantime, there is a young mother (actually, she looked about 19) holding her baby while waiting in line at the other register and Mr. Awkward turns to her, see's the baby and loudly and abruptly exclaims:

"Hey... nice baby"

Hey... nice baby. Think about hearing that... Imagine saying that to some woman you've never met before. Imagine some random guy saying that to you. What a way with words Mr. Awkward has, huh?

I can imagine him saying all kinds of blunt, awkward things.

Mr. Awkward at a strip club: "Hey... nice vagina"
Mr. Awkward at a hospital: "Hey... nice tumor"
Mr. Awkward at a funeral: "Hey... nice casket"
Mr. Awkward at a wedding: "Hey... nice wife"
and so forth.

So there's my one quote, elongated into several paragraphs.

-Jordan

Jurassic Park 4 Plotline Revealed!

A little kid just exclaimed: "Boxing dinosaurs!?! That'd be the ultimate movie!"

An artist's rending of this movie:

The New Media Wave Uniform

Today Adam, Media Wave's answer to the question "Is there anyone who has bigger hair than Jordan?" (however leaving the follow up question "why?" unanswered), walked in to work today sporting the coolest sweatshirt any of us have ever seen. Not knowing Adam to do or say anything cool until this point, we made a big deal out of it. His inspired outfit was pure ironic genius, especially coming from a suburban jewish kid who works at a video store in the richest county in America.

We (I) decided at that very moment that there was no other option left and we would have to make this the new standard uniform for all Media Wave employees.
Check it out, foo:



This classic hoodie was purchased at Bob's Clothing Store where it hung along side similar shirts and hoodies with pictures of 50 Cent holding a baseball bat and Biggie smoking a fat blunt. These shirts were all located in the Young Adult section of the store, marketed for kids ages 10-16. Nice.

I personally feel that kids have outgrown clothing with simple ideas like beatings, robbery, murder and drugs by the age 13 and should move on to actually beating, robbing, and killing people and doing/selling drugs. In this fast paced modern society we have to keep up with where kids are in their lives. Let's start marketing it for the "Even More Impressionable Youth" section, which actually does exist at Bob's.

Adam also mentioned that he found and quickly snatched the only one of these 50 Cent t-shirts in any size smaller than XXL because the people who buy them wear all their oversized shirts down to their knees - which is an understandable fashion choice because it looks so darn good.

Imagine how funny it would be if the first things customers saw when they walked in the door waz Jay Z sticking 2 gunz in their cracker facez.

It would work perfectly for our new store slogan:

"Media Wave: It ain't your white granny's movie rental store, you whitey cracka bitch"

Here'z another note about the picture on the shirt that'z alwayz bothered me about rapperz: Jay Z is pictured with a big cross around his neck while he'z pointing 2 gatz at some punk bitch. Iz that really what Old Jeezey would do?

So, expect a different attitude from your Media Wave workerz. It will now go from rude and elitist to rude and violent... it's really a natural progression.

-Jordan

Are Crumb

Funny story…

The deaf/retarded man mentioned in Jordan’s recent post came in this afternoon. We greeted him politely, then he went about his way, looking up his usual mixture of foreign films and animated kids movies. Once he disappears into the ether of the video store, my coworker and onetime party ghost Jeff comes up to me and goes:

“Should I tell him he has food all over his face?”

And sure enough, I look over and it appears that he’d gotten into a fight with a cherry pie. And lost. And you know what that means:

A midget’s been boning his wife.

It’s unclear whether or not Jeff will let him know. More as the story develops.

Drew.

Vincent Schiavelli - Goodnight, Sweet Prince

R.I.P. Vincent Schiavelli, that guy you know from that movie.
Another giant of Hollywood and TV-wood has fallen. You might recognize him as that bizarre, pug-faced, bug-eyed, enormously tall man who was in every other movie you've ever seen and, while being really sweet, made you feel extremely uncomfortable like he had just escaped from a mental institution.
In fact, he played a mental patient in "One Flew Over A Cuckoo's Nest" - I guess it was the part he was born to play.

Other credits to his name -
-That weird bug-eyed circus freak in that X-Files episode
-The evil weird bug-eyed alien named Paragon who coined the popular catch phrase "Death to all monkey sluts" from the never aired but much sought after "Heat Vision & Jack"



-The angry bug-eyed ghost with a chip on his shoulder from "Ghost". Man, did he freak me out as a kid...

Dude, what's your problem! Just stop kicking beer cans and help Sam touch his wife's pottery one last time.

-That scary bug-eyed organ grinder freak from "Batman Returns". Like many other odd people - some bug-eyed, some not - he found a place where he belonged under the pasty wing of Tim Burton.

-One of three weird bug-eyed freaks in "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension"

and of course:
-Mr. Vargas, that weird bug-eyed science teacher nerd in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," second of course to Mr. Hand. Incidentally, Mr. Hand is played by Ray Walston , the other best unnamed character actor of all time.
He went on to star in "Fast Times: The TV Series", a show way before it's time - at least, before whatever time it was that would have made this show a hit.

Like Ben Stein, he was a staple nerdy teacher in the 80's. Not only did his quirky idiosyncrasies amuse us in both incarnations of "Fast Times", but he was also the math teacher in "Better Off Dead". So this goes to show, just because you're really strange looking doesn't mean you can still put your classical acting training and talent to use in some of the more influential roles of the century.

He also played some classic characters from some of TV-wood's best action flicks, like "Back to Back", which was apparently the sequel to "American Yakuza," so that's something, if you liked the movie "American Yakuza," or like American Yakuza the people. I guess it'd be more if you don't like them, because I think the movie is about kicking their asses. Basically, this movie has a few things going for it, besides the casting of the dearly departed. The plot includes the words Yakuza, Mob, Ex-Cop, battle, gangland, thugs, corrupt (or "corrup" as the imdb.com plot summarizer writes), and wrong-doings. And that only left out about 4 words from the entire plot. Awesome. Not to mention the tag line is "It's time to clean house." Again, AWESOME. This time in caps lock.

And you may recognize him as "that weird bug-eyed weirdo" from about 150 other movies or TV shows like "Night Shift," "White Mama," "M.A.N.T.I.S."(Or Mechanically Augmented Neuro-transmitter Interactive System, as you probably knew), "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch," "Head of the Class" (a personal favorite), "Who's The Boss"(a Media Wave favorite), "Punky Brewster" and "Eerie, Indiana", a short lived X-Files-type show that I actually auditioned for in my formative acting years. Needless to say, I did not get the part otherwise right now I'd be balls rich instead of balls poor, and I wouldn't be unnecessarily mocking the career of a real person who just died. As always, I'm sorry.

He was a great talent (named Best Character Actor by someone during some year... I think?) and he played a lot of people's favorite roles. If those roles were within movies that were actually good ("Back to Back" being the one exception), Media Wave would honor him with a commemorative section like we did for that woman that died a while back, I forget her name, from whats-it-called... you'd know her if you saw her.


-Jordan

The first rental of the day is....

And the first rental of the day is.......
(Drum Roll)

Sex Clinic!
Perfect for 10:15 a.m. on a rainy winters morn.

I've always been fascinated/weirded out by older men, or anyone really, who rents porn first thing in the morning. He wasn't a weird guy, he usually rents old B action movies and he was quite pleasant and totally unashamed about what he was renting.
Renting porn at 10 in the morning is like waking up and drinking a beer... perhaps a warm beer from the night before. It's definately the right thing to do, but it's not really the right time to be doing it.

Like most people, I wait til 4pm to start watching porn... and to start drinking. They tend to coincide with eachother. It's just more natural that way.

Our New Name/Address - Readers Choice! Please Respond!

I am determined to change the address of this website and make it legit for various reasons, one of which being the fear that customers I write about will find posts about them while searching for actual Media Wave information. Another reason is that there's way more that we could write about, if we actually commit to putting forth the effort we say we will, at least more than what Jeff says about hot sluts on myspace.

The question for you people is: what should the new address/identity be?
The 2 things I'm seriously considering right now are:
1. Keeping with what it is but making it just showcaseofdepravity.com - The Showcase of Depravity , as the website really is a showcase of human depravity, stupidity and weirdness of our culture.
2. My other idea was based on this memory/epiphany:
I remember in middle school some kids asked me if I wanted to be in The Pen15 club. They just take a black marker and write "PEN15" on your hand and then other club members give you candy and promise all sorts of awesomeness. But the way they write it looks like PENIS, so really you're just a tool with "PENIS" on your hand and you don't get shit.
That pretty much sums up my experience of asking for a job and now being a 4 year employee at Media Wave, so I think it's both appropriate and funny, while being inappropriate and sad - just like this website.
So choice #2: The PEN15 Club - pen15.com, or penfifteen.com or thepen15club.com or pen15club.com, or something.

other ideas include:
- zenguerilla.com, a reference to the back of the shirt worn by Doug, the most amazing character ever from "Ghost World", seen to the right:
famous for the line that we constantly use with Paul (who is Greek) at Media Wave:

Store Manager: We Greeks invented Democracy!
Doug: You also invented homos!

We generally model ourselves after him in everyway, from his mustache and haircut to his wifebeater sunburn to his numchucks, his diet of beer and slim jims, and his thoughts on Greeks.


**** New shit has come to light:
Zen Guerilla is actually a band and own the website zenguerilla.com
I guess the other option is zengorilla.com
i dunno...

- whattheballs.com - a classic choice of mine, a site name that I've been obsessive about for years but has been taken by a bunch of brokeback motherfuckers for a while and they wont give it up. other options include whatheballs.net, .edu, .whatever else. Also the name of my myspace blog which probably gets more readers than this does. It's always been a phrase I hoped would catch on with America, but has only really stuck with a choice few in Fairfield. I think it pretty much sums up our reactions to every stupid customer and DVD, and event in our lives that we would write about. Think about it... I think it's perfect, but I don't like the .net or any of that.

- rainbowparty.com - another really sexual and seemily gay reference. It refers to, of course, the legendary parties said to be thrown by teenage girls where a bunch of sluts wear different shades of lipstick and invite a few boys over and take turns slobbin their knobs, making the guy with the most colors on his dong the winner. That is also sort of a metaphor for Media Wave, and for life, really.
- owmytaint.com - Totally silly, nothing to do with anything. It'd be funny to hear someone say "OW! MY TAINT!" (For explination on what a taint is see here, or simply: 't ain't quite your asshole, 't ain't quite your nuts... it's right inbetween)
- metaboner.com - refers to both our obsession with calling things "meta" and our love of being sexually aroused. I'd never be able to give the address to any of my family members though.
- discoviolins.com - probably a Drew idea, but could be mine - I'm not sure. Woudln't have much to do with Media Wave, except our unanimous love of disco violins, but we plan to expand to bigger and more musical things as well as chronicaling human depravity.

There have been others, but I forget them at this time.
Of course I know that writing this post was a waste of time and thought because NONE of you jaggoff's ever reply to anything I ask. I would have just put up a reader poll like we used to, but theres something weird with the code and people complained that it takes too long to load (wow, that rhymed) and then I wouldn't have been able to give background info or pictures.

So, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, before I have to say Please one more time and sound like James Brown - respond to this post and tell me what you think. If I get no responses I'll have to just pick it myself and that will be that.
I plan on making t-shirts and stickers for whatever it ends up being, and there will be give away contests.

Thank you for your time and consideration
Other suggestions are welcome


-Jordan

All You Need Is Sperm

Today's joke of the day/DVD cover of the day:

"They had everything... but sperm."

I can't tell you how many times I've said that... and then corrected the situation for whom ever I thought needed it... Like your mama.

As you can see, this is the actual tag line on this DVD. Once again, we couldn't make this shit up.


Ah, lesbians. Is there anything they can't teach us?




-Jordan

P.S. for all of you who care, I apologize for the extreme lack of posts. I'll try harder, I swear. In the mean time, if you have errthing except sperm, I'm your man.

The Coolest Car EVER

Photograph by Drew Taylor AKA Dr. Beat

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that have flaming skulls and fire on their trucks, and those who wish they did. Media Wave has been known to attract both. I wish I could say this was my car, but mine has a flaming skull from hell AND a hot naked chick riding a huge snake... also from hell. (see: my post on Whitesnake's "Love Hunter" )

Free rental to anyone who owns this car, has a car this awesome, or even knows someone who has a car this badass. Knowing someone like this can increase your badassness by a least a few points, which is a lot more than you'd get by trying to be badass on your own.

-Jordan

(P.S. If you didn't click on the links, please do so)

Stupid Kid Quote of the Day

Stupid Kid Quote of the Day:
a group of stupid preteen kids came in to buy and probably steal candy and one of them said:

"What? Sour Patch Kids are $1.25? That's SO gay"

followed by one of the girls saying "gawwwd if you smack my ass again I'll punch you in the face"

Oh, kids these days!

-Jordan

Houston, We Have a Slogan

Working with Jeff is a lot like drinking a whole vat of outdated Robitussin: bewildering, invigorating, slightly arousing. This is never more true than when he's in his Party Ghost mode, a made up character he created when one day, he poetically expounded: "I can't wait to die so I can come back as a party ghost, to make all the kids party."

We all thought it was a pretty funny comment, one keeping in line with Jeff's usual profane rants and hilarious assents. Secretly Jordan and I have been working on a line of merchandising and film rights which could net us tens of millions of dollars. We see it as sort of like "Beetlejuice" meets "Harold & Kumar" for the college humor crowd. (Don't tell Jeff. He'll want in.)

The Party Ghost character is exemplified by a howl/yelp (yowl?) that Jeff has perfected, much to the ire of our boss Paul J. (owner), who one day put an official halt to it for the entire day.

Today, Jeff started coming up with slogans and mantras for the Party Ghost. I was sure to write them down as our forthcoming talking action figure, Party Ghost - Now With Yelping Action! is hitting stores soon.

Here goes:

PARTY GHOST: We suck you off.

Questions: who is Jeff sucking off? And who is "we?" Are there more than one party ghost? If so, Jordan and I need to schedule a development meeting. Stat.

And the other:

PARTY GHOST: We're coming to take your sister's virginity.

I guess that one makes more sense. But only slightly.

From beyond the grave...

Spookily yours,

D.

What the Deaf Man Heard

Last night I had one of those first's in life that you never really expect to get the oppertunity to have, but you always hope you will. I am speaking, of course, of witnessing a screaming match between a deaf retarded middle-aged man and his father... Over the phone. So I guess I really didn't technically witness anything. Anyway...

Here's the story:
I answer the phone and immediately detect yelling on the other end, so instead of saying "Good evening, Media Wave" or some bullshit, I say nothing and play the waiting game hoping to catch more of the fight.
The caller turns out to be the father of one of our most frequent customers, a 40-something deaf retarded man who rents a good mix of foreign films and family movies.
I hear "YOU ALWAYS GET 15 FUCKIN MOVIES AND NEVER RETURN THEM! BBBOOOBBBBBY! I'M ASKING!! SHUT UP!"
followed by the faint squeel of a deaf person trying to yell back "NOO SHUT UP DAD! YOU FUCKIN PEOPLE!! AHHH!"
Finally I decide that I could step in at this point and propel this conversation to another dynamic.
He asks me for a movie that hasn't come out yet, and when I tell him we don't have it he yells back "BBOOOBBBBY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MOVIE? THEY DONT HAVE IT!". Bobby sums up his emotional reaction to this with a simple but refined "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGGGGGGGGH!!"
His father says "Jesus Christ, he's goin crazy here, I don't know what the hell to do... THEY DON'T HAVE IT!! STOP!! YOU RENT TOO MANY MOVIES!!.. sorry"
I wish him good luck and resume my normal life as if I didn't just overhear an epic battle of wits between a deaf retarded man and his angry father.

He calls back 10 minutes later and asks for the exact same movie he did before. I say "Didn't we just go over this?" and he says ".... uh, oh shit. Listen, Bobby's goin nuts over here, we're searchin everywhere for this freakin' movie and he won't shut up! I don't even know who I'm callin at this point! SHUT UP! THEY DON'T HAVE IT!!! Ok, see ya later"

and that was that.

It was the first, but hopefully not the last. If you count Drew as a retarded def man (which I do) and Paul his illegitimate father, then I guess I've witnessed many a fight of this proportion, but this was the real deal.
I'll never be the same again.

-Jordan


P.S.
This story translates poorly to text. It's a lot funnier if you heard me impersonating the deaf man's squeel, and the father yelling. But take it or leave it.

Also, this is in no way insulting the mentally challenged, be they deaf or the fathers of the deaf. Don't take it the wrong way, you bitches

Jesus is with you always... A Showcase of Depravity Showcase of Depravity

The other day, by some miraculous... miracle I was led unknowingly to this random web page of drawings. I don't want to say it was divine intervention that led me there... But I'm gonna say it was divine intervention. What I found was no ordinary website of some lame artists drawings, nothing like that. What I found were Jesus drawings. But these are no ordinary Jesus drawings like you'd find in any normal persons home...


Here's a little background: On Thanksgiving Day (thanks indeed) in 1987, this strange man woke up in the middle of the night with a vision that God wanted him to draw some nice pictures. Ok, not so strange, that has happened to all of us before. But these were pictures of Jesus... But not just Jesus, Jesus helping people in ordinary mundane situations to show that Jesus is "with you always".
He claims to have had no artistic ability or experience before this fateful night, but it was made clear by God that he would have 10 years to complete this project, so he got his ass to work.

The funny thing (or, another funny thing) is that he drew people in ordinary situations first, and then added Jesus in afterwards, and it's pretty obvious in the pictures. To do this he had to find a living model for Jesus. Qualifications: must be willing to grow a beard. Check. I would have loved to have been an aspiring model who found an add that said "looking for someone to be Jesus".
There are far too many hilarious drawings on this website, so I urge you all to check out the rest, but here are a bunch that I found particularly funny. The drawings themselves are absolutely humorous enough (and compltely serious), but I decided to add some of my patented captions at the bottom of each for your amusement. I saved the best for last...
Let the giggling commence:




"Layin' some carpet eh? I used to do that all the time, if ya know what I'm saying.. heh heh, and I think ya do"

Clown: "...they call themselves 'The Aristocrats!'...whhaat? you don't get it?"
Jesus: "Dude, it's funny when George Carlin does it, but commmee onnn! She's only 2"



So that annoying asshole in the audience yelling "Freebird" was Jesus all along... now it makes so much sense! Dang hippie


Here Jesus seems to be hovering over the field... and he has no legs, just as the scripture said. His powers get better and better. You can tell the golfer knows Jesus is watching, and it's making him nervous and irritable. A nervous, irritable old man with a golf club is a dangerous thing for a floating Jesus.

Minister: When Jesus said "Love Thy Neighbor" he did NOT mean fornicate with them! I propose this church does all it can to get "Desperate Housewives" off the air, for it poisons our-
Jesus: Uh, Minister, if I might interject for a moment - when I said "Love Thy Neighbor" I did kinda want to see some hot chicks scammin' on their neighbors... I'm only human.



I'm not saying Jesus looks like a creepy pervert, but I feel like the artist could have picked a slightly different place for him to be standing in next to a man on his knees...

Jesus is with insurance salesmen, even the Jew ones

Usually the only people with beards on university campuses are hippies or professors, or hippie professors. This looks a lot like that time when I watched a professor scamming on college girls in the library. Not you too, Jesus. Where is his other hand, anyway?

Judging by the sadistically happy look on his face, Jesus loves watching people get tortured by the pain of dental surgery. This picture is Hostel-style. Real fucked up, Jesus. Not cool.



A picture of Jesus with his hand up a horn players ass.
French Horn is well known to be Jesus's choice of brass instrument from the bible. "Thou playest a trumpet twisted and bent and to heaven from earth shall ye be sent... no matter how gay thou looketh", he was quoted to always say. That almost marked the first time Jesus intentionally rhymed.
This is actually a picture of Polyphonic Spree singer Tim DeLaughter and one of his band members.

Jesus looks concerned.
"Do you really think this man needs a second penis? It wouldn't be fair to everyone else. Let's put the knife down, weirdo"

My rule of thumb for juggling has always been: Juggle as if Jesus is watching.
Ok, this picture was CLEARLY modeled after Tom Cruise in "Cocktail", only rendered slightly retarded. I guess serving alcohol to promote reckless behavior, violence and promiscuity isn't quite Christian enough. Who knew?

And THE WINNER of The Best Jesus Picture Ever goes to:


This is by far the strangest drawing I've ever seen.
Jesus isn't just there with them, he's standing behind them, fists clenched, pumping them up! Either that or he's lookin for a fight with them. Or even less likely, but plausible, he's gettin ready for some hot body builder-on-Savior action. I'm just speculating, this picture seems purposely and bizarrely vague.
It's definitely the most brokeback Jesus picture ever. These are the gayest weight-lifters I've seen since the last time I saw Jeff and his friends. If you'll direct your attention away from their pecks and onto their shorts (mmhmm) you'll notice an equals sign on the bottom of one of the guys shorts. This is the universal sign for equality for human rights and equality, but only queermo's actually use it for gay rights. If that doesn't signify something, I don't know what does.

All I have to say is that while Jesus may be with me always, I hope he ain't there when I'm knockin' boots. That's my time. If you watch, you pay, mothafucka.

-Jordan

The Best Impulse Buy Item Ever

Like most people, I am a slave to my impulses. This makes me susceptible to many forms of consumer manipulation, the most helpful for me being the exploitation of my laziness and lack of will power, in other words a very special part of the store that is often referred to as the "impulse item" section next to the register. As a result, I do the majority of my most important shopping there. I mean, you go into a store to buy frozen dinners, laundry detergent and tampons, but what you really need is right there in the convenient location at the register. You can't not buy the stuff, it's right there!
Candy bars, "Git R Done" lighters, celebrity tabloids, crazy motorized wiggle pens, batteries, disposable razors, vaginal gel and personalized rubber bracelets.

Wait... vaginal gel? That's right, vaginal gel! But this was no ordinary convenience store or grocery market, this was Mrs. Green's Natural Health Food market, so that might clear up some of the confusion.

I was in there the other day... not buying health food because that would be totally brokeback, and while checking out at the regi I was browsing their holistic-style impulse items, wondering to myself how anyone disciplined enough to eat healthy food and take vitamins could actually act on their impulse to buy a treat or an unnecessary item of any kind. Instead of your ordinary "Git R Done" merchandise, I found this curious item among other various body products that normal red meat-eatin', God fearin' non-commies would be horrified at seeing in their impulse item section:


Since I was feeling quite impulsive that day, their masterful sales technique worked and I decided "heck, I could use some vaginal gel after all! Besides, when else am I going to get a chance to buy it if I need it later?".

A natural foods health food store is probably the only place, with the definate exception of Media Wave and maybe the Penthouse Boutique, where you would find a box of Vaginal Gel sitting right next to the register for all the see.
Maybe that's what is wrong with this country? Maybe more people should be faced with the word "vagina" every day, and maybe, just maybe, more people should have vaginal gel readily available in the convenient location. After all, what is Vaginal Gel if not an impulse buy?

-Jordan

Konversations with Geoff

We were talking about the "red asshole" in the Christmas post. The fucking Republican jerkwad who rented "Farenheit 9/11," then turned it off after fifteen minutes so he could "get the guy's opinion." Right. At least he saw the montage set to "Vacation." Anyway, Jeff had this to say about him:

Jeff: Yo, that Letterman guy wants his hair back.
Me: DAVID LETTERMAN?
Jeff: No, that dude with the flat face.
Me: Uhhh...
Jeff: Conaaannn....
Me: Conan O'Brien!?!?!
Jeff: YEAH!!!

(Followed by much high-pitched yelping and me looking confused.)

Also, Jeff made this helpful suggestion:

Dude, why don't you get all the soda out of the cooler and throw it on the
floor?

Spoken like a true party ghost.

Drew.

In Stern We Trust

Today we got the absolute coolest 10 dollar bill that has every passed through our register, and you'd be surprised, but that is saying a lot.
This bill wasn't just cool because in America it represents 10 single dollar bills which can buy you 10 times more than a 1 dollar bill, or because Hamilton was a righteous dude... No, this bill was cool because it had a message.
Actually, it had 2 messages. The 2 most important messages of the millennium so far. Check it out:

Stern Rules is definately the one thing I would want people to know if I had one chance to send my message across America by way of currency. It's also what I usually write on bathroom stalls, along with Drew's phone number.
Howard Stern aside, the second most important thing to remind people to do is to remember 9/11. Because if we don't constantly remind people of the huge success of the biggest terrorist attack on America ever, the terrorists have won.

And besides, I had almost forgotten about 9/11 until I got this bill. I was starting to just simply remember that I live in America, because people still have their American flag bumper stickers and flags on their cars but I totally forgot that terrorism is what sparked the absurd car-patriotism. I've just been saying "yes, I know you live in America, me too!", good thing bills like this are in circulation to compliment the flag stickers and give them meaning.

As if that wasn't enough, we turned the bill over for some more creative displaying of the first message:

Clearly, letting people know how much Stern Rules is a priority in the country. So much so that the author of this love letter to America decided to write it directly under "God", as if to say
"In Stern We Trust".
The one thing I can't figure out is how this dollar came from the future. It is clearly dated 1-9-06, 7 whole days in the future! Is it possible that some renegade scientist was being hunted by the government for his breakthroughs in time travel and just before his demise he picked the most important message to send back to the world of 12-31-05, wrote it on a 10 dollar bill and sent it through time.
I for one think that is entirely possible. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure it's the date which Howard Stern launches his show on Sirius radio... but my theory is so much cooler. Either way it's a stupid thing to put on a 10 dollar bill.


-Jordan