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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Saturday, January 07, 2006

Jesus is with you always... A Showcase of Depravity Showcase of Depravity

The other day, by some miraculous... miracle I was led unknowingly to this random web page of drawings. I don't want to say it was divine intervention that led me there... But I'm gonna say it was divine intervention. What I found was no ordinary website of some lame artists drawings, nothing like that. What I found were Jesus drawings. But these are no ordinary Jesus drawings like you'd find in any normal persons home...


Here's a little background: On Thanksgiving Day (thanks indeed) in 1987, this strange man woke up in the middle of the night with a vision that God wanted him to draw some nice pictures. Ok, not so strange, that has happened to all of us before. But these were pictures of Jesus... But not just Jesus, Jesus helping people in ordinary mundane situations to show that Jesus is "with you always".
He claims to have had no artistic ability or experience before this fateful night, but it was made clear by God that he would have 10 years to complete this project, so he got his ass to work.

The funny thing (or, another funny thing) is that he drew people in ordinary situations first, and then added Jesus in afterwards, and it's pretty obvious in the pictures. To do this he had to find a living model for Jesus. Qualifications: must be willing to grow a beard. Check. I would have loved to have been an aspiring model who found an add that said "looking for someone to be Jesus".
There are far too many hilarious drawings on this website, so I urge you all to check out the rest, but here are a bunch that I found particularly funny. The drawings themselves are absolutely humorous enough (and compltely serious), but I decided to add some of my patented captions at the bottom of each for your amusement. I saved the best for last...
Let the giggling commence:




"Layin' some carpet eh? I used to do that all the time, if ya know what I'm saying.. heh heh, and I think ya do"

Clown: "...they call themselves 'The Aristocrats!'...whhaat? you don't get it?"
Jesus: "Dude, it's funny when George Carlin does it, but commmee onnn! She's only 2"



So that annoying asshole in the audience yelling "Freebird" was Jesus all along... now it makes so much sense! Dang hippie


Here Jesus seems to be hovering over the field... and he has no legs, just as the scripture said. His powers get better and better. You can tell the golfer knows Jesus is watching, and it's making him nervous and irritable. A nervous, irritable old man with a golf club is a dangerous thing for a floating Jesus.

Minister: When Jesus said "Love Thy Neighbor" he did NOT mean fornicate with them! I propose this church does all it can to get "Desperate Housewives" off the air, for it poisons our-
Jesus: Uh, Minister, if I might interject for a moment - when I said "Love Thy Neighbor" I did kinda want to see some hot chicks scammin' on their neighbors... I'm only human.



I'm not saying Jesus looks like a creepy pervert, but I feel like the artist could have picked a slightly different place for him to be standing in next to a man on his knees...

Jesus is with insurance salesmen, even the Jew ones

Usually the only people with beards on university campuses are hippies or professors, or hippie professors. This looks a lot like that time when I watched a professor scamming on college girls in the library. Not you too, Jesus. Where is his other hand, anyway?

Judging by the sadistically happy look on his face, Jesus loves watching people get tortured by the pain of dental surgery. This picture is Hostel-style. Real fucked up, Jesus. Not cool.



A picture of Jesus with his hand up a horn players ass.
French Horn is well known to be Jesus's choice of brass instrument from the bible. "Thou playest a trumpet twisted and bent and to heaven from earth shall ye be sent... no matter how gay thou looketh", he was quoted to always say. That almost marked the first time Jesus intentionally rhymed.
This is actually a picture of Polyphonic Spree singer Tim DeLaughter and one of his band members.

Jesus looks concerned.
"Do you really think this man needs a second penis? It wouldn't be fair to everyone else. Let's put the knife down, weirdo"

My rule of thumb for juggling has always been: Juggle as if Jesus is watching.
Ok, this picture was CLEARLY modeled after Tom Cruise in "Cocktail", only rendered slightly retarded. I guess serving alcohol to promote reckless behavior, violence and promiscuity isn't quite Christian enough. Who knew?

And THE WINNER of The Best Jesus Picture Ever goes to:


This is by far the strangest drawing I've ever seen.
Jesus isn't just there with them, he's standing behind them, fists clenched, pumping them up! Either that or he's lookin for a fight with them. Or even less likely, but plausible, he's gettin ready for some hot body builder-on-Savior action. I'm just speculating, this picture seems purposely and bizarrely vague.
It's definitely the most brokeback Jesus picture ever. These are the gayest weight-lifters I've seen since the last time I saw Jeff and his friends. If you'll direct your attention away from their pecks and onto their shorts (mmhmm) you'll notice an equals sign on the bottom of one of the guys shorts. This is the universal sign for equality for human rights and equality, but only queermo's actually use it for gay rights. If that doesn't signify something, I don't know what does.

All I have to say is that while Jesus may be with me always, I hope he ain't there when I'm knockin' boots. That's my time. If you watch, you pay, mothafucka.

-Jordan

7 Comments:

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger BloomingtonGirl said…

    Someone actually sent me one of these drawings on email...it was a woman whom I did not know but who had sold me something on ebay. What is with these people?

    Your commentary is priceless. Please move to Bloomington. I will set up a video store for you and Drew to manage.

    Please. I am desperate. I have to rent at you know where and it ain't pretty.

     
  • At 11:46 PM, Anonymous coop said…

    your going to hell....i laughed so i'll see ya there

     
  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger Jill said…

    jordan i often see jesus standing behind you when you're ringing me up...sorry i never mentioned it...he's usually trying to play with your hair. love, jill.

     
  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger JordanC said…

    wait... are you saying Paul is Jesus?


    ps thanks for commenting Jill!

     
  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    How sad that you have to mock and make silly the genuine work of a faithful man who is trying to bring comfort and joy and maybe a smile that says "I know I'm not alone in this cold world, I know I'm part of something bigger than my own life, however small it might be" to people in the best way he knows how.
    Maybe you feel the need to do it because you are afraid you're alone...because there is NO picture of Jesus standing by a DVD Store sales clerk as he types up ever so clever things about his unknowing customers.
    Aren't you content with yourself?


    ...Is what I would have said if I didn't think it was funny also. Jesus is pretty plump in these drawings compared to his normal "look at me I'm suffering" emaciated look. Almost like Al, the assistant on Tool Time.
    Anyway...the Insurance Salesman was my favorite...but I do love the Body Builders...was that drawn in 1981 or is it meant to depict 1981?

     
  • At 1:57 AM, Blogger 4head said…

    sry i killed jesus, my bad... :'
    that's a face btw...btw=ByTheWay
    ...dumbass

     
  • At 3:15 AM, Blogger Scarletizm said…

    LMAO

    If that isn't ranked high on my list of hilariously stupid websites than its getting listed tonight.

    That is the most ridiculous.... oh man. No fucking way.

    Now they're trying to say everyone one has a stalker no matter what they do. How do they expect adolescents to want to get jobs now? I mean now they're going to think...

    "if i get a job some hairy man is going to follow me and rub all over me."

    You know what would be funny is if I were very artistic I would have had first a pic of jesus touching a doctor doing surgery and then next a pic of the body sliced up into 100 pieces and the doctor looking at jesus and jesus saying, "Oops."

    That would have been awesome.

     

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