Randomness including Jeff/hooker ghosts/German beer and shirtless phil

Let's get back to the Media Wave bizna$$ with some in-store quotes of the day (which can also be for the month because I haven't done them in a while)
*First and foremost, the most quotable person alive: Jeff
(the first two are my personal favs)
-"How awesome would it be to have your own hooker ghost?"
-"if i was a homo i'd dance like drew"
-"Drew, you're not normal you're emo"
but you have to understand that Jeff says everything in durty south speak, like "e'rythang" and "right thhuurr" etc, so this is how he sounds:
"Dreeew, yuurr're not neeerrmal, yeer emo! mothafucka!"


*The readers have yet to be formally introduced to Joseph, our cute 85 year old used VHS/DVD hustler who can't hear very well and mixes up our names every time he comes in, but that's in an upcoming post. For right now, I thought this little discourse between Joseph and Jeff was mildly amusing, at least in person.
(by the way, we like to fuck with him and confuse him as much as we can whenever possible...)

Joseph: I used to buy all the italiano stuff
Jeff: What, like "The Sopranos?"
Joseph: SPANIARDS??? WHAT?
Jeff: SOOPPPRAAANNOOOSS
Joseph: What? SPANIARDS? What's that got to do with italianos?
Jeff: SPANIARDS!
Joseph: HUH?
Jeff: Jordan - he's a spaniard, that's what I'm sayin!
Me: You got a problem with that, Joseph?
Joseph: NO! I know 2 spaniard girls. they're going back in a few days-I
bought a TV off them
Me & Jeff: hahaha uh ok..
Joseph: Thing is, I didn't get the remote!
Jeff: That sucks man, now you'll never get it...
Joseph: Noo it's ok, I'll track em down!

Joseph is totally nutz. He's bananas! be ay en ay en ay es

*The computer tech guy came in and was talkin to me about beer and exclaimed that he was boycotting any beer from Holland. I asked him why and he said (paraphrasing): "Because those kids that killed that girl in Aruba were from Holland, and that was just awful, man, so I'm not going to support any beer from that country. Nope, from now on I'll stick to German beer"
...Which is a lot more socially conscious because the Germans have never commited any violent crimes or attrocities or anything... and thank God he took a stand against those evil Holland breweries! I think that bastard country is getting the message loud and clear.



*There is this woman who comes in with her son who are two of the oddest people I've ever seen. (Back and )to the left is an actual picture of her posing for a Pez add (...as she tends to do). One of the most miserable looking people I've ever seen, her son looks like he got every bad trait in her genes. I've mentioned them before because recently she asked us to turn off the PG rated family film "Little Monsters" starring all-American boy Fred Savage, because the movie was too "scary" for her adolescent son. He literally started crying because Howie Mandel had horns in it, and Howie's brand of unthreatening family humor in the film, the kid just couldn't handle the onslaught of brutal imagery. So apparently from now on his mother walks in the store way ahead of him to make sure what we're playing on the TV won't make her little bitch of a son start crying. But that wasn't enough for the poor sensitive kid because he walked in with his hands over his ears looking down at the floor while he walked and quickly nuzzled himself between his moms warm thighs in what I will now continue to refer to as the "Pink Cave Of Safety"... whenever I'm refering the place between this woman's thighs (which is more often then you think).
I swear, I'm going to go to elementry school one day (one of the days I'm not preying on the young girls), wait for that kid after class and jump him. I'll give him a good, respectable beating that he''ll remember and maybe that'll learn him to toughen up. I've never seen such a little wussy bitch before in my life... except Drew, of course.

*A middle-aged retarded gentleman rented Phil Of The Future. Nothing against the retarded, he's a very sweet man, but that seems like the only demographic of people this show could appeal to. That and screaming teenage girls, and and both groups of people share the same general characteristics.
I recently joined the MySpace.com group called "I LOVE RICKY ULLMAN!" (aka ricky rawks). I thought it would be funny since Ricky (or Raviv, as real people know him by because that's his real name which he changed to Ricky so it wouldn't seem so ethnic to Disney) went to school with us here in Fairfield where Media Wave is located and since high school has gone on to become a fucking major hunky Disney superstar to all of our amazement, and jealousy. All the teenage girls want his dong instead of mine now. In my net surfing, I found this fan site that recently posted a shirtless picture of Ricky, probably from high school with his friends but Kina will have to confirm that for us...
What's truly bizarre is that there is an entire picture gallery of pictures of him with people I know from high school and prom and graduation and party pictures and all sorts of fanatical invasive home town stuff. To have one of your peers elevated to a status like that is so beyond me, but I'm sure all you folks reading this feel that way about me too. The girl who made this website even made her own personal email address rickyullman@gmail.com. What a nutjob. Kind of meta, though.

*Last but not least, this crazy dude who I've seen at the health food store buying weight-gain powder comes into the store all the time and either acts like or is completely drunk (one of the many.. seriously). This proves he's either crazy, drunk or my hero (and the first two usually add up to my hero anyway):
He came in with his shirt totally unbuttoned open, exposing his small muscles and multiple tattoos and Drew helped him at the register where he told Drew that he's a professional criminal. I encourage Drew to elaborate on this story please!

That's it for now. More posts that are better quality comedy are coming, including one about the COOLEST man either Drew or I have EVER seen in our long, long lives.

-Jordan
-check out this website that i found during my google.com picture hunt for howie mandell - it's priceless (if you love chimps, as i do)

R. Kelly Pees on The VMAs/ other highlights

OH MY GOD. I hope I'm not the only one who tuned into R. Kelly's anticipated one-man performance of his "urban operetta", "Trapped In The Closet" at the MTV VMA's tonight. It was outrageously humorous, but no more than this entire spectacle has been for the last 2 months. Or was it?
R introduced the next chapter of the ongoing saga, and it was totally crazy. Yes, I AM going to spoil it for you hardcore fans waiting with baited breath to find out what happens to Rufus, Chuck, Kathy, Mary and whoever the hell else is in that mixed up motely crue cast of characters.
First of all, it was introduced by Usher, the only guy in the world who has more ego than R. Kelly, and it was regarded with the utmost respect and praise as it has been in the media since its release - I just don't get it. My mom was trying to defend it today even though this was the first she's heard it. Listen - I don't give a good god damn what it calls itself or if it does actually make any sense, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.
But I digress. Let's get to the point, shall we?

Maybe the best thing about this is that R Kelly was playing ALL the parts himself, so it was sort of like witnessing a multiple personality meltdown and have a romantic breakdown. R's head was turning left and right so fast it made my head... spin, too. He was wearing a classy suit so you couldn't tell the difference between the 2 or 3 male characters and the female character, so to illustrate his fine acting abilities he made hand motions like a little girl running around when he was speaking as Kathy. Think about the most stereotypical way to act out a whiney little girl/or flaming gay man... that's what he did to act as Kathy. Needless to say, it helped with the gender confusion (a problem I've been personally wrestling with since age 9).

I got caught off guard when the new chapter started but here's what I got out of it:

"Rufus said "Kathy!"
Kathy said "Rufus!"
Chuck said "Rufus!"
"Kathy!" said Chuck
Rufus said "Kathy!"
"Rufus! Chuck! Kathy!" for quite a while.

You might think I got confused with my quotations there, but I didn't. At least, I couldn't tell who was actually saying what because R was doing it all himself. As far as I know, he confused himself.
Anyway, Chuck and Kathy start fighting over Rufus and you get to watch R. Kelly literally play tug of war with himself on stage. He's tossing and turning every which way, trying his best to give each character the justice the actors in the original music videos did. Brava, R., Brava.
Here's how the rest of it goes in big capital bold letters with exclimation points, which is the only way they can be written:

RUFUS LETS GO OF CHUCK!!
He tells his wife he's sorry
RUFUS KISSES CHUCK!!
my favorite part: R. Kelly can't help himself but LAUGH when he has to pretend to kiss Chuck.
Kathy gets all pissy with her sassy attitude because Rufus is choosing some gay dude over her and then....


...


RUFUS GOES BACK TO KATHY!!!
audience applaudes because that's what nature intended them to do.

Wow, I've waiting so long for that and... I don't seem to care anymore. hmm
We'll see how the rest of this masterpiece goes whenever it comes out.

Other highlights of the VMAs Included:
-The Killers wore eyeliner
-Fat Joe showcased his public speaking abilities when he introduced some Rican dude by saying "He's none other than from puerto rico. "
-"Gasolinas", the song that I bowl to/can't get out of my FUCKING HEAD even though I don't understand a word of it, makes its live american debut.
-Fall Out Boy (or is it falloutboy, you never know with that emo) gets an award for bringing annoying pop punk to an audience that tried its hardest not to listen but now has its infectiously catching chorus in its head at ALL times! AH! (yes, that is really a new award)Another song I can't get out of my FUCKING HEAD even though I don't understand a word of it...
-Oh yea, and do you know how I know you're gay? Because you watched Coldplay perform on The VMAs, thats how. And you probably teared up too, you little bitch.

There were probably other funny things to happen but I stopped watching it at that point because
A. I knew it would suck and MTV will be rerunning it 14 hours a day for the next 2 months
B. I had to leave to go see Broken Flowers... which better be good.

-Jordan

Exsqueeze me?

Here's one thing I DO NOT want to hear from a 19 year old dude in the store:
Me: What can I getcha?
Dude: Weeeellll.... my Dad has a real hard-on for The OC season 2, so I'll get that.



Uh, gross. What the hell kind of thing is that to say to me? The different levels of weirdness in that statement overwhelm me... to tears.

-Jordan

Be a "Competetive Athlete" or be an athletic supporter or: My High School Football Coach is dating online!!!

Ever wonder what your high school Football Coach/P.E. Teacher's turn on's and turn off's are? Of course you have, we all have. Well, good news for all you local readers, and for the enjoyment of non-local readers alike: At work today I was tipped off by a high school kid from the underground information circuit that Mr. Forget (it's french.. how queer), Fairfield High School's biggest jock and hunkiest divorced "teacher"/resident stereotype is now on MATCH.COM.
I could hardly contain my excitement when I heard this valuable piece of dirt.
You have to understand, most people don't know that I was on the football team in freshman year but decided to quit about a week before the first game of the season. I like to say I quit because I was dating an older intellectual artist that thought football was barbaric and we spent our days after school reading Satre and having passionate freshman sex... but that's all a sorted fantasy.
Anyway, I hated playing football and there were too many guys walking around with boners in the locker room, so I quit. The real point is that Mr. Forget was not only my coach at the time, he was also my "Health Class" teacher, so when I quit let's just say he kind of had it out for me for the rest of the semester... who am I kidding, the rest of the year.
He was a highly mocked figure in our school, not only for his extreme jockness (which lends itself to a lot of gay jokes), I like to say that not only is he a big jock but also a big jock supporter. He was also mocked because he has THE BIGGEST CALVES THAT I'VE EVER SEEN, and that's coming from a school who has another teacher that was literally a contestant on American Gladiators.
The glory of a student stumbling upon the online dating profile of not just a teacher in high school but a jackass musclehead jerk gym teacher/coach is almost indescribable. But that's just where the humor begins...
First of all, regarding his divorce: One of the most important things to know is that Mr Forget, the biggest jock in school, married an ENGLISH TEACHER. They say opposites attract, but I think that works more with famous pop stars/choreographers and animated cats than with Gym teachers and English teachers. Maybe 3 years into their marraige they realized neither of them were either a cartoon cat or a pop singer, so they got divorced to the shock of the school. Recently, while on a rare outting to the local high school reunion bar (meaning a bar that everyone from high school goes to even though no one wants to talk to anyone from high school yet they go there because they know people will be there, which is precisely why I don't go), Drew spotted Forget in what sounds to me like the most awkward situation EVER where he saw Forget without a wedding ring hitting on females at the bar. Think about this: A bar known to be the place where most high school alumni go to pretend they don't know eachother, and the newly divorced gym teacher going to this same bar to pick up chicks....

I decided to sign up for a trial membership on Match.com in order to view the profile of said divorced jockstrap under the clever moniker BradStorch69 (a Simpsons reference for those of you that don't know) and while investigating The Coach's profile, i got like 40 responses based on the profile I created, Highlights of my profile seen here (dont confuse with Mr. Forget's Profile please):
About me and who I'd like to date:

				sometimes i can't keep an erection. I want a girl who doesn't mind getting herself off and then getting me off when i get back into the mood. I also want her to like werner herzog films.

Appearance
			height:		6’ 9” (205.7 cms)
			eyes:		Blue
			hair:		Auburn / Red
			body type:		A few extra pounds
			body art:		Strategically placed tattoo, Piercings you’ll have to ask about, Scarred
			best feature:		Hair

for fun:

I like to find new & interesting places to fornicate in. Be it a movie theater watching my favorite genre of movies (edgy family comedies, mostly starring Iced Cube), in the dressing room of my favorite clothing shops (Army Navy, Bobs), wherevs!

favorite hot spots:

I like going wild and crazy at small and cozy coffee shops. I've never been on a vacation because I don't deserve to. I've never gone down on a girl but I've always wanted to. you have to understand that to create the profile they ask you questions like: do you like going wild and crazy in clubs or mello out in a cozy coffee shops? where do you go on vacation? what would you like to do but never have?

last read:

the last thing i read was my own blog. just after i wrote it.

Education: Some college
				after having seperate affairs with 3 different teachers, i decided that i was too distracted at school. now i work as a coach to the high school freshman girls swim team

Back to the point:
Mr. Forget (pronounced Forzzhay not forget, which also lends itself to some pretty stupid jokes that don't remember, they're easy to Forget! just like him! oh!), the Fairfield High School football coach and gym "teacher" who unfortunately lacks a neck, wrote the following in his profile:
best feature: Calves
oh!
it doesn't get any funnier than that to me. Hopefully the background I gave gives a little more humorous perspective aside from how funny it is on its own.
This situation begs the comparision to the brilliant little-known cartoon show "Home Movies" where their lazy alcoholic soccer coach tries to date the school nurse and a students mom.
In other words, this is what Mr. Forget looks like (especially around me)









and this is what I would imagine Mr. Forget on a date looking like:









Here's his complete profile(so bare with me, it's long) as it is seen by a trial membership account with bits of useless commentary by yours truly in red italics (just so you won't confuse Forget's witty personal descriptions with my witty and sarcastic jokes):

"Coach seeks competetive athlete" (maybe my second favorite part of the whole thing. He was married to an English teacher and he spelled "competitive" wrong. Perhaps we are getting subconscious insight into the reason for the divorce)
I am a: 36 yr old man
located in: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
looking for: 26 to 39-year old woman (I totally wish he put 18-39 year old.. but he's too boring)
within 50 miles of Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
relationships: Divorced
my ethnicity: White / Caucasian
body type: Athletic and toned
height: 6’ 3” (190.5 cms)
sense of humor: Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite (That was a prewritten line, he isn't clever enough to come up with that)
sign: Sagittarius
About me and who I'd like to date
Come on now! Show me the picture! I understand confidentiality, and understand that there are many people on this site, and who search this site, but if you are not willing to share the picture, don't come on here. Don't get me wrong. Physical attraction isn't the only thing(obviously not, it's only the first half of your profile.. obviously he's had some bad experiences on blind dates), but it does help. Me: I'm pretty simple. (that about says it all, but somehow he has more to say...)I am a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. You know what I am thinking, most of the time (kibbles n bits! kibbles n bits! and so on..). I' m a teacher and coach who loves his job. I am a transplanted Rhode Islander (You know. The real ocean tide and not just the ripple from the boats going by in the sound). I am divorced and have two daughters ages 4+2. My Date: Someone who knows what they want and means what they say. Someone who is moderately to very active. Who likes to dress up and head to a great dinner. Who is not afraid to dance. Can also be comfortable grabbing a drink and billiards at the local watering hole (either that was an attempt at a joke, or he is planning on spending his nights in Australia). A like, or love, or willing to learn about football is a plus, but not necessary. (I know he says it's not necessary, but the fact that that is in there at all makes me chuckle to myself)
Appearance
height: 6’ 3” (190.5 cms)
eyes: Hazel
hair: Light brown
body type: Athletic and toned
body art: Wouldn’t even think about it
best feature: Calves

Interests
for fun:
I like to play sports. Pretty much any and all. A great dinner. A drink, conversation and some billiards. A ride on my motorcycle (If you have to ask why, then don't bother!)
favorite hot spots:
Warm and sunny. Also love the change of seasons that New England has to offer.
favorite things:
Spaghetti and meatballs. SUSHI! Ipod-Who wants to change CD's in their car? 2,500 songs+ at your fingertips. Need I say more?
Shopping; Banana Republic, Brooks Brothers, Lacoste. (Again, I had to chuckle seeing a football coach write Banana Republic and Lacoste)Comedy- movies and Seinfeld. Listening to a gr
last read:
Bleachers By John Grisham. Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Kiyosaki. Awaken the Giant within by Anthony Robbins.
sense of humor: Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite
sports and exercise: Dancing, Tennis / Racquet sports, Weights / Machines, Basketball, Billiards / Pool, Football
common interests: Coffee and conversation, Cooking, Dining out, Movies/Videos, Music and concerts, Performing arts, Playing sports, Travel/Sightseeing, Watching sports

Lifestyle
exercise habits: Exercise regularly
daily diet: Keep it healthy
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
job: Teacher / Professor
income: $50,001 to $75,000 (so now we know how much the teachers make.. approximately)
my place: Live alone
have kids: Yes, and they live away from home
how many: 2
want kids: Someday
how many: 1
willing to adopt: Not sure
pets:
I have: No Answer
I don't have, but like: Cats, Dogs
I don't like: Fleas

Background/Values
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Born in Rhode Island. Moved to CT in 1996 for a job. Loved it and now reside here.
faith: Christian / Catholic
education: Graduate degree
Undergrad Rhode Island College Graduate - Southern CT
languages: English
politics: Conservative

About My Date
hair: Any
eyes: Any
height: 5’ 0” (152.4 cms) to 5’ 11” (180.3 cms)
body type: Slender, About average, Athletic and toned, A few extra pounds, Curvy
languages: Any
ethnicity: White / Caucasian, Latino / Hispanic, Pacific Islander
faith: Any
education: Some college (who needs a college graduate these days, what with the internet and the information superhighway and all)
job: Any
income: Any
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
relationships: Any
have kids: Any
want kids: Any
turn-ons: Public displays of affection, Dancing, Sarcasm, Candlelight
turn-offs: Power, Brainiacs (A conservative republican gym teacher/football coach turned off by powerful women who are very intelligent? Well that's simply unbelievable)
perfect date:
Casual
Refreshingly funny conversation over soup and sandwiches, sharing a smile before we return to work for the afternoon

The End.


Some small part of me where my concsious used to be feels guilty for publicly mocking a human being... but then I remembered that I have a blog and therefor have become above human decency.
My mission from here on out: Try to spot Forget out on the dating scene. Email me if any of you see him!
Maybe he gave it up and is strictly online, I don't know, but I just got a terrific idea:
new romantic comedy, 3 words: MUST LOVE CALVES
I would call it MUST LOVE FOOTBALL, but he said that wasn't totally necessary. Can't you just see it now? It could star STALLONE as Forget (Sly's name should always be in all Caps, it just seems right), a lonely coach looking for a cute "Competitive Athlete". Set in the crazy high speed post-9/11 world, isn't that what all of us are looking for?

Possible alternate titles: "Love Muscle", "Athletic Supporter", "Don't You Forget About Me", "Forget Love!", "My Calves, My Heart", "200 Yards Of My Heart", "At The Watering Hole", "The Game Of Love", "Hard Love", "Balls Of Fire", "No Neck, No Problem", "Shut Up You Brainiac, The Game's On!" and so on...

Please comment or reply with any titles you come up with, and send this on to anyone from Fairfield High you know


-Jordan aka BradStorch69

Jordan or Tom Sizemore? You decide...

This story was recently posted online at IMDB.com...

"Troubled Video Store Employee Jordan C. is battling a rare medical condition that leaves him sexually insatiable. The "Brooklyn We Back" star was recently diagnosed with priapism, which doctors believe could have been caused by years of alcohol and drug abuse. Jordan's manager says, "He can have sex nine times without stopping. His condition explains his sexual addiction. He's in the midst of a massive depression, but he's making tremendous progress." A Fairfield, CT based urologist confirms, "Priapism is an abnormal, persistent, and painful erection that won't go down in spite of orgasm, and can be caused by alcohol or drug abuse." Tucker claims Jordan's addiction prompted the media king to rig video cameras up around his house, which for the past three years have documented his activities with a string of women he has lured back to his Fairfield pad. Three such tapes have been allegedly stolen and are expected to be released on the internet."

Was that story really about

Tom Sizemore or Jordan?


Ok, replace all the Jordan's with Tom Sizemore's and Fairfield's with Los Angeles' and that's what the real article said, but unless I had told you that you wouldn't have known the difference.
I had no idea someone shared my gift/curse of Priapism. That literally IS my life, literally. And if the asshole who stole those tapes from my house (Drew, I'm looking in your direction) please give them back, I was going to use them as video christmas cards.

-Jordan.
yes I refered to myself in the third person in the title of this post. Deal with it, Jordan has.

Brown Noise

True story from a few minutes ago: I was just besieged by one of our most annoying customers, maybe our most annoying customer, this woman named Passios. She is pretty obnoxious but her children enter an entirely new stratosphere of the irritating. It's just... amazing. ANYWAY, I hear the little kid go "uh oh" while tornadoing through the kids section and then the mother immediately go "Alright, we need to get out of here faster." Then, when they're leaving, she goes: "I gotta get home and change his diaper. Anytime we're here, he poops."

Uh...

Now, this is pretty gross and funny on it's own, but then you take into account our elderly role model Joseph, who makes it a point to "use the john" everytime he's here hassling us to sell him a movie that came out last week used for seven dollars and you have to wonder... Does Media Wave have a magical grip on your or other peoples' bowels? The answer is YES.

(I, for one, have gotten through many-a-chapter of "Harry Potter" on our porcelain throne. And this is after I never pooped here for like the first two years because I was embarrassed and kind of grossed out.)

So, I implore all of you who can't "go" to come to Media Wave and get your B.M. on. Some people really do enjoy this magical power. A couple of weeks ago I was manning the sidewalk sale and some gentleman, right off the train and still in his suit, asked me to use the bathroom. I obliged. About fifteen minutes later Kevin, shooting steam from his ears, comes out and goes: that guy you let use the bathroom just diarrhea'd all over the seat - thanks a lot asshole!" [Paraphrasing, but Kevin takes the bathroom ultra- personally.]

And that's all the poop talk for today.

Come back tomorrow when I discuss vomit and puss-filled, Civil War-era battle wounds.

Drew.

PS - Some punk-ass kid (the age that Jordan and I HATE) just came in with a shirt that said: "Save the Trees, Wipe Your Ass with an Owl." Um... OK.

PPS - Jordan's post about "Mario Kart" made me really want to play it when I get out of work. While listening to Beck's "Midnite Vultures." I get out of work at three. My house, people, my house.

Another "Your Mama" Video... (you were going to get it from someone, it might as well have been me)

I'm not exactly sure what this is or why it is, but it just is. I got this in an email and I thought I'd be good enough to pass it on the legions of devoted fans of this website, so once again America, I give you what you want:

http://www.greentowel.com/images/qt/GreenTowel_yourmama.mov

Another music video about "Your Mama", but unfortunately this time it isn't Mr. T telling you to respect mamas, no no... this is far from that. (but click that link anyway)

This video is like a gentle but threatening mix of Napoleon Dynamite, Jimmy Fallon and Beck circa "Midnite Vultures" (think "Debra", and if you can't think "Debra" then go buy the album) and is set, as far as I can tell, in the Rainbow Race world of Mario Kart 64 (the best video game ever made). Sounds like heaven, right? Most of my dreams take place in that Rainbow world. Check it out.
My favorite part is at the very end when the school hallway turns into a disco floor which was another dream I used to have throughout high school, one of the few dreams of the dry variety. Or was it?

Other amazing video posts: America We Stand As LAME!
and of course Mr. T Respects Your Mama (AKA BEST VIDEO EVER)

-Jordan

quick unrelated TV sidenote: I'm writing this while watching my mom watch another emotionally stimulating show called "Beach Girls", and I just caught the line "you're under arrest... for extreme hotness". seriously.

and is it just me or does hearing the words "BLOOD STAINS" in a laundry detergent commercial make you cringe and think of either violent crime/rape, virgin sex or menstruation? I know it makes sense and you wanna get those stains out with your new bottle of "All" or "Biz" or maybe even "Gain", but my mind wonders where those stains came from. Makes me think of that hilarious scene American Psycho....

Kids say the darndest things!

As some of you may know, due to a handy little code easily found on the internet that unlocks a pornographic scene in the game where you can have explicit sex with a hooker, "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" is now an X rated game and has been pulled off the shelves of nearly every video game rental store or vendor. Luckily for the impressionable youth, Media Wave doesn't bow down to THE MAN just because he says a video game isn't appropriate. So, long story short, we have the game.

The graphic and jerkable nature of the game isn't the point of this post though. It's about people.
Last night this mopey, droopy-looking woman whose spirit has obviously been crushed by her horrible kids comes up to the counter and asks to rent a Playstation 2 system and the said X-Rated GTA game.
Being a good employee and protector of children, I reminded her that the game is rated X and asked if she was sure she wanted her child renting it (Yes, kind of a narc thing to do, oh well).
Being a typical suburban mom, she had no idea what her kid was renting and was less concerned with the graphic violence and language as she was the sexuality (because, as you know, this country has seen a recent overload of teenage sex offenders and not of violent and homicidal sociopaths as "the news" would lead us to believe). As we were discussing what was inappropriate about the game (i told her that before the X-rating it was already M for graphic violence, language and sexuality) and how her son might be able to unlock the hidden sex scene, her son entered the picture.
Picture the dumbest looking 15 year old kid you've ever seen and then dress him up like a Gotti (spiked hair, gold chain, awful clothes). This little prick kid comes up to his mom and says "MOM shut the hell up you don't know anything i don't have the damn code god damnit just shut up!"
"heey hey" she says in an unaffected, whiney yet monotone voice as if she's used to being yelled at for no reason by her immature children.... and it turns out she has. This is how the rest of the their conversation went:
Mom: pick another game, honey
15 Year Old Punk: mom shut the fuck up i dont have the fucking code i'm getting the damn game!!
Mom: It's 18+!
Punk Kid: Fuck you mom! Seriously, fucking hell. You're so stupid i can't believe it, i hate you. You're such a bitch. Shut the fuck up and get me the game this is bullshit.
Mom: (mummbles some weak reply)
Punk Kid: I've played the fucking game! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING CODE! GOD!!! Mom, seriously, this is stupid. Stop wasting time. I want the game, i've played it before!!!! Leave me the fuck alone!
... more mumbling from the mother
Punk Kid: MOM WHAT THE FUCK!! GET THE FUCKING GAME GOD DAMNIT! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID! ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS, IT ISN'T INAPPROPRIATE, IT' JUST A FUCKING GAME! I'm NOT A FUCKING BABY! you're soo stupid!

... I wait.

Then the mom comes back up to the counter and says
"Well, I guess he says he doesn't have the code so we'll get the game"

and I roll my eyes .

Here are some screen shots from the game in question:
I'm not saying that video games are directly responsible for the behavior of teenagers, clearly the mother is to blame. However, it is no coincidence that a punk-ass bitch kid like this whole thinks he's a playa and swears at his mother who spoils him plays video games that are extremely violent, sexual and full of swears.



Now, of course I have played Grand Theft Auto and to my extreme delight I often forget the game's missions and spend time shooting people from rooftops or seeing how many cops I can kill and it doesn't affect my behavior, but the other week something happened that made me think twice:
One of the fun games I make up while playing GTA is to run over or shoot every motorcyclist or biker on the road. The other day I was sitting at a 3 way stop sign and to my right was someone on a scooter and to my left was someone on a motorcycle - I'm not going to lie, I was seriously considering trying to run both of them over.

-Jordan

Alexander The Gay (or... The Not So Great Part 2)

The second best comment about "Alexander" came from one of our few hispanic customers who came in and, while trying to make conversation for absolutely no reason, says

"Yea, 'Alexander'... that was one crazy movie, huh? I mean, like, it was freaky and weird, like all that gay stuff haha, you know?"
and then I said "yea, well, you know the Greeks back in those days..."
and he says "Yea... they'd do anybody back then!"

You said it, brother. Here are some pictures from the movie with direct quotes from the actual script undernearth. Is the movie gay or not? you decide...



-"Hey Al, you wanna go reapply our eyeliner followed by some anal sex?"
-"That sounds fab! As soon as I finish this new "Redbook" article"

"Damn, that's gotta be tight!"
-"we think you've conquered enough for today, Alex. Time to hit the showers!"

"Sigh. Sure my abs glisten, but am I sexy enough to rule an empire?
.... Yes, of course I am"

-Jordan

... The Not-So-Great!

So, everyone's been having a bit of fun at the expense of "Alexander," Oliver Stone's critically panned and commercially failed epic about a certain homo-erotic conqueror. But the best comment has to have come from a customer who, after drubbing the film, exclaimed:

"I tell you what, Colin Farrell should go back to Scotland!"

...

He is Irish.

...

But one thing's for sure: both countries have DOGS! And we all know Colin Farrell is a D-O-G!



-Drew

Meet The Fuckers

Here are your heroes/authors/deejays/gentlemen-in-waiting Drew & Jordan (each with our beverage of choice)...




... Try soaking in all that sexiness in one sitting, cuz you can't...

Drew
(Representin' like I'm supposta, the west coasta)

All hail Ra, infant overlord!

I'm not about to write a post about the mind-numbing world of the Teletubbies, but is that not the weirdest fucking thing you've ever seen??

seriously?

Ahhh! It just creeps me out.

I was sittin here setting up new release DVD's and I come across this Teletubbies one, open it up and inside is this big picture of a small child looking up to see the all-knowing sun god Ra in infant form above him, worshiping his every sinister command.
What are the implications of the sun actually being the face of a pure white baby with blue eyes and pale skin? First we thought the teletubbies were promoting homosexuality, but now we know they are trying to form a master race of superbabies who bow only to the demands of their vengeful infant overlord.
Or, check out what this crazy over-analyzing Teletubbies website has to say about this and many other strange things on the famous childrens program. Although, if that is too educational for you,try this conspiracy theory. And of course my personal favorite, Teletubbies: Nazi Hybrid Greys In Disguise (which is more or less what I was saying).

-Jordan

DVD's of the week

In this weeks edition of DVD picks we have a wide variety of classic films from Urban to Urban/ Western, Soft-core porn to grotesque horror porn to acclaimed TV Series.
It's all here folks, I hope you enjoy. And remember, I encourage you to click on each image to blow it up so you can see the hilarious details that I can't fit in a blog post.

Is there anything in life more satisfying than a Seduction Cinema Bikini Feature? Before you jump to saying "NO! are you outta your fucking mind? what could be better?" check this out! A Bikini DOUBLE Feature! Bam! And here I was ready to shell out the cash for both "Bikini Girls On Dinasaur Planet" AND "Bikini Goddesses" (which won an Adult Video Award for Most Constitant Use of The Same Letters In A Title).

Move over "Jurassic Park"or whatever it's called, this is the real deal. Fans of Ray Harryhausen will appreciate the back-to-basics artistry of the realistic stop-motion dinosaurs in this compelling film about 2 alien women who find themselves stranded on a dinosaur planet inhabited by the illusive race of "bikini babes". It stars Misty Mundae, who you might remember from such soft-core gems as "Lord Of The G-Strings", "Playmate Of The Apes", "The Girl Who Shagged Me", "Satan's School For Lust" and "Sexy American Idol" (which is something this world desperately needed). Most of these titles you'll find in my upcoming "MasterPIECE Theater: Adult DVD Picks" post.
I don't want to ruin the ending of the film, but it turns out that Dinosaur Planet is actually.... EARTH!! Noooo! You bastards! You ruined it! The day we let the dinosaurs take back Earth will be a bad day indeed... unless of course Earth women turn into bikini babes.


Ganked-
This movie is all that! Get it? This is the epitome of the kind of movie I love. You will notice that for this and the following selections there is always at least one person on the cover standing back to back with someone else folding their arms and/or making a strange facial expression. If not the arms folded, the all at least have pictures of individual characters making stupid faces that reveal something about them.
Yes, "Good Burger" was a genius, career-making film. But you wanted more from Kel Mitchell... you wanted a film that could let him really explore his full range of emotions, and in this film he gets that oppertunity. From "Girrrrlll..." to "Say what??" to "You Crazy!" to "Damn!" and back to "Giiirrrll!", Kel display's everything an urban romantic comedy needs.
He truly is this generations Chris Tucker.
The Urban Dictionary defines "ganked" as:

To steal or take something that does not belong to you.

As in: "i didnt have money so i ganked it"

Or you could say "Kel Mitchell didn't have a personallity of his own so he ganked Chris Tucker's!"


Chooch -Another movie with a donkey on the cover... That's the first thing I look for when going to my local video store, so it's a good thing the ass is displayed so prominately. Now, I'm not exactly sure where the rest of the donkey's body is, unless this is a giraffe/donkey hybrid monster that has an extremely long neck and could be called Gironkey or Donkaffe...but I guess I'll have to watch it to find out, and I simply can't bring myself to watch a movie called "Chooch".

Again with the main character folding his arms, and the supporting character making the "pssht, look at dis guy der, coome on" facial expression, and even using the ol thumb-out gesture to insure we know which guy he's give the look to. Love those Queens/New Yorker stereotypes, they really do make any movie great. Take Spider-Man, for example (remember: "Youz mess wit spidah-mayn, youz mess wit new yowk!" or whatever).

I don't know about you but I've been desperately searching for a movie that mixes the hard-assed realism of Queens, NY with the hilariously ethnic culturen of Mexico and their donkey population. I can't imagine what the plot is... but what I do know is that this is how the movie ends up:
"Returning home in triumphant glory with his reunited crew and newfound love Ladonna, Dino discovers the meaning of family, friendship and neighborhood."
Notice it doesn't say "returning home with his new best friend Pedro the Donkey...", and thus, knowing that I have no interest in seeing it.



So Fresh, So Clean - There's nothing that can be said about this movie that hasn't already been said about a dozen other movies. The point is it's called "So Fresh, So Clean" and it's about a laundramat called "Tidey Whitey Cleaners". Not just that but look at the amazing cast of kooky characters on display on the cover. I Can't wait to see this movie.
The tagline says "Boughetto Comedy at it's best!"
If you're like me, you just asked yourself "What the balls does 'Boughetto' mean??"
I had to do some serious research, and the best explination I can find is in the lyrics to a genius song by someone named "Ali" (no, not Ali G)

"I'm at the bar, industry party, caviar
Denim suits, superstar, Cigarello cigars
Spittin bars to this footer in stilettoes
She boughetto, that mean she bourgeois and ghetto
Bourgeois cuz her shoes alone cost a grand
Ghetto cuz she cuss too much and talk with her hands
She say she don't fuck wit rap since Mase got saved
But baby got back like mace got spray (BEST LINE EVER!!)
You know the bourgeois type, ass boombastic
Mabelline queen, titties all plastic
Niggaz front with they tank on empty
Pay cash for e'rythang cuz the top off her Bentley (Editor's Note- he actually spelled it "e'rythang" instead of just saying it!!)

For a more simple definition of what the word means, here's another verse from the song:

" If you got an expensive weave - That's boughetto!
Spend six hundred on weed - That's boughetto!
Benz while ya sittin on D's - That's boughetto! (That's the one I relate to the most)
Tell em what's boughetto - Bourgeois and ghetto!"

Never in my life have I heard a rap song use the word Bourgeois, unless you count Madonna's music... and, well, I do.
I still don't quite understand what that word has to do with a movie about a bunch of morons running a laundramat, but I guess I'll have to watch it to find out...


NEKRomantik -
Ah, the Germans. What will they do next? Jorg Buttgereit, Director of the classic "Captain Berlin" (Plleeaase click the link!, brings us his heart-warming romantik comedy about a couple who shares the same interests - namely having three-sums with corpses found on the Autobahn Freeway. You just don't find cool chicks like that in America. If only my girlfriend could share my love of auto-erotic asphixiation and hot, steamy monkey torture.

This could possibley be the best non-urban movie title/DVD cover ever in the history of bad DVD's. Not only does it have a rotting corpse, and not only does it have a hot naked chick, but it has a rotting corpse fondling a hot naked chicks boobs with full on hard nips that could cut glass, who is also wearing neon pink "fuck me" 1987 lipstick.
The majority of the cast of characters are prostitutes and the soundtrack listing consists of one song called "Ménage à trois". But as hilarious and beautiful as this movie sounds, it's not for the weak at heart. The obvious inspiration for SAVE TOBY.com, this film features a live bunny rabbit being killed and skinned. Yum.
Look for its 1991 sequel : "Nekromantik 2: Die Rückkehr der liebenden Toten". No, seriously.


"Click: Brothas In Arms", or at least that was the working title. I feel like it's a lot better because any movie with an "a" instead of an "er" is fucking baddassss. I just wish it had used a "z" instead of an "s". But it doesn't matter becuase they changed the title and corrected the ebonical spelling to make it sound like a WWI video game.

Ok, so anyway we've all seen westerns before but we all get tired of that bullshit old western history malarky. Boooring! Right? Who needs it? It's in the past. You know what westerns these days need? That's right - NEW SOUL!
Hence their tagline "Old West. New Soul. Big Paycheck".
Fuck "Posse", this has Kill Bill himself in it.
You'd think a western with "New Soul" and with David "Kick Ass" Carradine in the cast can be anything but bad considering the success of "Kill Bill", or at least that's what David Carradine is hoping people will think as he is trying to cash in on a new career. Sorry, buster. Not gonna happen.
Unlike "Kill Bill", this movie also stars urban movie favorite and rap less-than-superstar Kurupt. What a pair!











And finally, something that critics besides me actually spend time reviewing, and ended up liking:
The Job - This show is critically acclaimed and blah blah blah all that hog wash, but all I need to read is the ridiculous plot description found on the back of the DVD box to know everything I need:
"Mike Mcneil is a self-medicating, hard-drinking decorated NYC detective whose toughest assignment is himself (My favorite line in any plot description ever).His unconventional approach to fighting crime makes him a great cop, but it takes a toll on his personal life, which is comlicated by his wife, his girlfriend and a squad room full of unique characters."

Are you kidding? Its like they got the recipe to spoon feed America and they're following it to a T. They might as well have called it "Police Cops".
Boy, I would have loved to have been in the board meeting where they pitched this show. "oooh! thats what people these days want! ANOTHER gritty hard-hitting cop show about an unconventionial detective who does things his own way, including his drink and his women, along side a cast of hilariously quirky characters! The show practically writes itself!", or in other words, exactly what the box says... This is a real show that's supposed to be pretty good, but it seems so ridiculous that it could, nay should have been made up.


For more on the most ridonkulous DVD's available on the legal market, check out these previous posts:
DVD Picks (including Teen Witch and Samurai Boners)
DVD Picks (including Stalone in "Over The Top", Monkey Movies and "Twin Sitters")
Classic Films Of The Urban Variety Vol. 1
coming soon: Classic Films of The Adult Variety Vol. 1, Monkey Movies and More Weekly Picks.

-Jordan

Cheap Asshole

I know we're not really supposed to use names, but frankly I don't care. This customer I just had is the CHEAPEST man alive. He came in an tried to get us to give him full rental credit because he rented 9 movies on vacation and didn't feel like watching them because he was too busy skiing the whole time. Can you fucking believe that?
He was such a prick too. He called all of the employees lazy and stupid, in front of Paul's face! I don't even care if I use his name, it's ***** "THE CHEAP ASSHOLE" ****. I for one woulnd't mind seeing someone punch his ugly face in, he's a stupid mother fucker.
I'm so sick of customers like ***** ****, all they do is try to scam independent businesses out of much needed money, and right after a ski vacation to vermont. That cheap yuppy fuck.

Well, listen if you're reading this ***** ****, I swear to god if you talk shit about us again I'm going to use your credit card number which we have on file (it's probably been deliberately canceled just so he can rent movies and never get charged for not bringing them back) and go buy a bunch of expensive shit on eBay. God damnit I hate you you piece of shit bastard, and I don't care who reads this.

R. Kelly Cliff's notes

Well, it was bound to happen... since I'm a lazy little bitch and I don't get advertisers paying me to have a website, I didnt quite get around to my (maybe) forthcoming R. Kelly "Trapped In The Closet" post analysis. Although we did a half assed commentary on the entire urban operetta on our R Kelly edition of BROOKLYN WE BACK, it didn't quite cut it for me... and now someone else has done it better. Alas, whoever wrote it, it now exists, and it is stupendous:

R. Kelly's Trapped In The Closet Cliff's Notes

While you're at it, check out Pitchfork Media's RIDICULOUS review of R Kelly's new album "TP.3: Reloaded" which includes the infamous 5-part soap opera song and the music video. Their review starts with the question "Is R. Kelly a joke or a genius?". Unforunately, they went with the latter.

More on this later...