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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Friday, August 19, 2005

Be a "Competetive Athlete" or be an athletic supporter or: My High School Football Coach is dating online!!!

Ever wonder what your high school Football Coach/P.E. Teacher's turn on's and turn off's are? Of course you have, we all have. Well, good news for all you local readers, and for the enjoyment of non-local readers alike: At work today I was tipped off by a high school kid from the underground information circuit that Mr. Forget (it's french.. how queer), Fairfield High School's biggest jock and hunkiest divorced "teacher"/resident stereotype is now on MATCH.COM.
I could hardly contain my excitement when I heard this valuable piece of dirt.
You have to understand, most people don't know that I was on the football team in freshman year but decided to quit about a week before the first game of the season. I like to say I quit because I was dating an older intellectual artist that thought football was barbaric and we spent our days after school reading Satre and having passionate freshman sex... but that's all a sorted fantasy.
Anyway, I hated playing football and there were too many guys walking around with boners in the locker room, so I quit. The real point is that Mr. Forget was not only my coach at the time, he was also my "Health Class" teacher, so when I quit let's just say he kind of had it out for me for the rest of the semester... who am I kidding, the rest of the year.
He was a highly mocked figure in our school, not only for his extreme jockness (which lends itself to a lot of gay jokes), I like to say that not only is he a big jock but also a big jock supporter. He was also mocked because he has THE BIGGEST CALVES THAT I'VE EVER SEEN, and that's coming from a school who has another teacher that was literally a contestant on American Gladiators.
The glory of a student stumbling upon the online dating profile of not just a teacher in high school but a jackass musclehead jerk gym teacher/coach is almost indescribable. But that's just where the humor begins...
First of all, regarding his divorce: One of the most important things to know is that Mr Forget, the biggest jock in school, married an ENGLISH TEACHER. They say opposites attract, but I think that works more with famous pop stars/choreographers and animated cats than with Gym teachers and English teachers. Maybe 3 years into their marraige they realized neither of them were either a cartoon cat or a pop singer, so they got divorced to the shock of the school. Recently, while on a rare outting to the local high school reunion bar (meaning a bar that everyone from high school goes to even though no one wants to talk to anyone from high school yet they go there because they know people will be there, which is precisely why I don't go), Drew spotted Forget in what sounds to me like the most awkward situation EVER where he saw Forget without a wedding ring hitting on females at the bar. Think about this: A bar known to be the place where most high school alumni go to pretend they don't know eachother, and the newly divorced gym teacher going to this same bar to pick up chicks....

I decided to sign up for a trial membership on Match.com in order to view the profile of said divorced jockstrap under the clever moniker BradStorch69 (a Simpsons reference for those of you that don't know) and while investigating The Coach's profile, i got like 40 responses based on the profile I created, Highlights of my profile seen here (dont confuse with Mr. Forget's Profile please):
About me and who I'd like to date:







sometimes i can't keep an erection. I want a girl who doesn't mind getting herself off and then getting me off when i get back into the mood. I also want her to like werner herzog films.
Appearance


height:6’ 9” (205.7 cms)


eyes:Blue


hair:Auburn / Red


body type:A few extra pounds


body art:Strategically placed tattoo, Piercings you’ll have to ask about, Scarred


best feature: Hair

for fun:




I like to find new & interesting places to fornicate in. Be it a movie theater watching my favorite genre of movies (edgy family comedies, mostly starring Iced Cube), in the dressing room of my favorite clothing shops (Army Navy, Bobs), wherevs!


favorite hot spots:




I like going wild and crazy at small and cozy coffee shops. I've never been on a vacation because I don't deserve to. I've never gone down on a girl but I've always wanted to.
you have to understand that to create the profile they ask you questions like: do you like going wild and crazy in clubs or mello out in a cozy coffee shops? where do you go on vacation? what would you like to do but never have?















last read:




the last thing i read was my own blog. just after i wrote it.
Education: Some college






after having seperate affairs with 3 different teachers, i decided that i was too distracted at school. now i work as a coach to the high school freshman girls swim team

Back to the point:
Mr. Forget (pronounced Forzzhay not forget, which also lends itself to some pretty stupid jokes that don't remember, they're easy to Forget! just like him! oh!), the Fairfield High School football coach and gym "teacher" who unfortunately lacks a neck, wrote the following in his profile:
best feature: Calves
oh!
it doesn't get any funnier than that to me. Hopefully the background I gave gives a little more humorous perspective aside from how funny it is on its own.
This situation begs the comparision to the brilliant little-known cartoon show "Home Movies" where their lazy alcoholic soccer coach tries to date the school nurse and a students mom.
In other words, this is what Mr. Forget looks like (especially around me)









and this is what I would imagine Mr. Forget on a date looking like:









Here's his complete profile(so bare with me, it's long) as it is seen by a trial membership account with bits of useless commentary by yours truly in red italics (just so you won't confuse Forget's witty personal descriptions with my witty and sarcastic jokes):

"Coach seeks competetive athlete" (maybe my second favorite part of the whole thing. He was married to an English teacher and he spelled "competitive" wrong. Perhaps we are getting subconscious insight into the reason for the divorce)

I am a: 36 yr old man
located in: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
looking for: 26 to 39-year old woman (I totally wish he put 18-39 year old.. but he's too boring)
within 50 miles of Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
relationships: Divorced
my ethnicity: White / Caucasian
body type: Athletic and toned
height: 6’ 3” (190.5 cms)
sense of humor: Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite (That was a prewritten line, he isn't clever enough to come up with that)
sign: Sagittarius
About me and who I'd like to date
Come on now! Show me the picture! I understand confidentiality, and understand that there are many people on this site, and who search this site, but if you are not willing to share the picture, don't come on here. Don't get me wrong. Physical attraction isn't the only thing(obviously not, it's only the first half of your profile.. obviously he's had some bad experiences on blind dates), but it does help. Me: I'm pretty simple. (that about says it all, but somehow he has more to say...)I am a man who wears his heart on his sleeve. You know what I am thinking, most of the time (kibbles n bits! kibbles n bits! and so on..). I' m a teacher and coach who loves his job. I am a transplanted Rhode Islander (You know. The real ocean tide and not just the ripple from the boats going by in the sound). I am divorced and have two daughters ages 4+2. My Date: Someone who knows what they want and means what they say. Someone who is moderately to very active. Who likes to dress up and head to a great dinner. Who is not afraid to dance. Can also be comfortable grabbing a drink and billiards at the local watering hole (either that was an attempt at a joke, or he is planning on spending his nights in Australia). A like, or love, or willing to learn about football is a plus, but not necessary. (I know he says it's not necessary, but the fact that that is in there at all makes me chuckle to myself)
Appearance
height: 6’ 3” (190.5 cms)
eyes: Hazel
hair: Light brown
body type: Athletic and toned
body art: Wouldn’t even think about it
best feature: Calves

Interests
for fun:
I like to play sports. Pretty much any and all. A great dinner. A drink, conversation and some billiards. A ride on my motorcycle (If you have to ask why, then don't bother!)
favorite hot spots:
Warm and sunny. Also love the change of seasons that New England has to offer.
favorite things:
Spaghetti and meatballs. SUSHI! Ipod-Who wants to change CD's in their car? 2,500 songs+ at your fingertips. Need I say more?
Shopping; Banana Republic, Brooks Brothers, Lacoste. (Again, I had to chuckle seeing a football coach write Banana Republic and Lacoste)Comedy- movies and Seinfeld. Listening to a gr
last read:
Bleachers By John Grisham. Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Kiyosaki. Awaken the Giant within by Anthony Robbins.
sense of humor: Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite
sports and exercise: Dancing, Tennis / Racquet sports, Weights / Machines, Basketball, Billiards / Pool, Football
common interests: Coffee and conversation, Cooking, Dining out, Movies/Videos, Music and concerts, Performing arts, Playing sports, Travel/Sightseeing, Watching sports

Lifestyle
exercise habits: Exercise regularly
daily diet: Keep it healthy
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
job: Teacher / Professor
income: $50,001 to $75,000 (so now we know how much the teachers make.. approximately)
my place: Live alone
have kids: Yes, and they live away from home
how many: 2
want kids: Someday
how many: 1
willing to adopt: Not sure
pets:
I have: No Answer
I don't have, but like: Cats, Dogs
I don't like: Fleas

Background/Values
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Born in Rhode Island. Moved to CT in 1996 for a job. Loved it and now reside here.
faith: Christian / Catholic
education: Graduate degree
Undergrad Rhode Island College Graduate - Southern CT
languages: English
politics: Conservative

About My Date
hair: Any
eyes: Any
height: 5’ 0” (152.4 cms) to 5’ 11” (180.3 cms)
body type: Slender, About average, Athletic and toned, A few extra pounds, Curvy
languages: Any
ethnicity: White / Caucasian, Latino / Hispanic, Pacific Islander
faith: Any
education: Some college (who needs a college graduate these days, what with the internet and the information superhighway and all)
job: Any
income: Any
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
relationships: Any
have kids: Any
want kids: Any
turn-ons: Public displays of affection, Dancing, Sarcasm, Candlelight
turn-offs: Power, Brainiacs (A conservative republican gym teacher/football coach turned off by powerful women who are very intelligent? Well that's simply unbelievable)

perfect date:
Casual
Refreshingly funny conversation over soup and sandwiches, sharing a smile before we return to work for the afternoon

The End.


Some small part of me where my concsious used to be feels guilty for publicly mocking a human being... but then I remembered that I have a blog and therefor have become above human decency.
My mission from here on out: Try to spot Forget out on the dating scene. Email me if any of you see him!
Maybe he gave it up and is strictly online, I don't know, but I just got a terrific idea:
new romantic comedy, 3 words: MUST LOVE CALVES
I would call it MUST LOVE FOOTBALL, but he said that wasn't totally necessary. Can't you just see it now? It could star STALLONE as Forget (Sly's name should always be in all Caps, it just seems right), a lonely coach looking for a cute "Competitive Athlete". Set in the crazy high speed post-9/11 world, isn't that what all of us are looking for?

Possible alternate titles: "Love Muscle", "Athletic Supporter", "Don't You Forget About Me", "Forget Love!", "My Calves, My Heart", "200 Yards Of My Heart", "At The Watering Hole", "The Game Of Love", "Hard Love", "Balls Of Fire", "No Neck, No Problem", "Shut Up You Brainiac, The Game's On!" and so on...

Please comment or reply with any titles you come up with, and send this on to anyone from Fairfield High you know


-Jordan aka BradStorch69

18 Comments:

  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger Squish Face said…

    HAH!
    HAH HAH HAH!
    Ahhhhhh!!!!! that is really funny. I totally just read that AT WORK and i was almost laughing really loud so everyone could hear me.
    aw too bad mr. forget.
    may he find a 26 year old football and calves lover who is not a lesbian.

     
  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger 4head said…

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHABBBLALALBALBLALAAAAAHHlhhahah..ah...a..aaa..HHHAHAHA....a....
    wow, I believe that about sums it up from me, hehe

     
  • At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Film Cynic said…

    i have no idea who this guy is. that makes me feel so old.

     
  • At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Jordan said…

    my hope is that you dont need to know who he is to find the humor... all you need to know is he has huge calves. besides i showed you like 5 pictures of him on the field and on a date, just in animated form.

     
  • At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Emily said…

    So, I had pretty much forgotten about Forget until this post. Quite funny!! I was thinking that perhaps he and Coach McGurk should go out on a date?? (Aside: I miss Squigglevision!!) They would definately have things in common, and topics to discuss.

    Did anyone notice the multiple use of the pronoun "they" when discribing the person he is looking for?? If anything is a sign of gayness it's that word!! How better to avoid using the third-person singular than to use the third-person plural? (Unless, of course, he is in search of multiple women.)

    And the local watering hole?? Choose your inuendo!!

    And now to bring the box office into the bedroom...Do not forget about the big-business pornography industry!! Any blockbuster needs its porno counterpart (lest we forget "A Clockwork Orgy" or "Thighs Wide Open"). It would, of course, have to be a fetish film, set in the althletic department of FHS: Fairfuck High School. And it's title? "Forget Me Knot."

    I think I have thought about this for too long now.

    -Em

     
  • At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Michelle said…

    That was so hilarious. Its so sad it ended, my english class threw Miss Cutney, the now divorced Mrs Forget,a little engagement party. In Mr Forget's defense though, when he mentioned his turn-offs: Brainiac doesnt mean he doesn't like intelligent women. Brainiacs are fuckin bitches that think they are the smartest person alive and want to show it off. I wouldn't like a brainiac either. I like football! If only I was 26, just 2 more years!!

     
  • At 12:56 AM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    "No neck, no problem" is by FAR the best title.

    As funny as this is...it's also pretty sad. Whether he's sad or not...he's young and he has TWO kids who are THAT young, and they are girls.
    He is looking for love in all the same places...but he has the right to his preferences, doesn't he?

    I mean...Mrs. Forget (the former Ms. Cutney) is no prize chicken as an English teacher anyway. That pairing was always hilarious but never totally unexpected.

    I just hope none of us are even in his position...

     
  • At 1:00 AM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    Michelle-

    From a jock's point of view, especially Forget, a brianiac is someone who is smart and isn't afraid to use big words and assume their coworkers and friends will know what the words mean.

     
  • At 2:40 AM, Anonymous Film Cynic said…

    Don't worry, Jtron, I find the post to be funny. I truly bet that my calves are better than his. They may not be huge, but they are real, and they are spectacular. Also, the post reminds me of Kevin Dillon on Entourage going for calf implants. Great stuff.

     
  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger brook361angelo said…

    damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

     
  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger Zombie Drew said…

    Fist off: hilarious.

    Secondly, Forgét is a moron. I remember my guidance counselor telling me once that they had forgotten to put the little accent over the e so everyone’s card read “Forget Gym.” Like, forget it! Fuck that shit!

    Thirdly, the fact that he hates “power” and “braniacs,” leads me to two observations: 1.) Once Mrs. Forgét (his then wife) wasn’t around for her final so he gave it to us. At the beginning of the period, he passed them out and was like “Listen, don’t ask me anything, cuz I won’t know.” Noted. 2.) He obviously fears powerful women (duh) but also seems to despise the Superman arch-nemesis Braniac, who was a supercomputer and one of the last true survivors of Krypton. Go figure.

    And lastly: This is the real story of Me & Forgét Down by the Schoolyard. So I see Forgét at the bar, all hunched over and huge, and I go up and start making small talk. He never actually taught me gym or health but he knew of me because of my reputation (huge cock) and the fact that my friends and I made a video for him that he absolutely loved. Anyway, I go up to him and I’m like “How’s the wife?” And he lifts up his hand and there’s this, like, tan line of where his wedding ring used to be. At that point I grabbed my collar and went “ggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww”. He was like “nah, it happens, wait till you see my hilarious profile on Match.com.” Weird, huh?

    Drew.

     
  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger Cliff Brenford said…

    I'm posting another comment cause I'm sick of looking at this post and seeing 11 all the time.

     
  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gosh ya know you guys DO have some faithful readers that think that it's due time for an UPDATE.

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous Sarah's little brother said…

    I managed a year on the football team, but that was more than enough. The man made me hate football. I notice no one posted the story of Forget's divorce. His wife left him by getting all her stuff and leaving before he came home, and leaving a note that said, "It's all about Mike" as in Michael Forget. Because I still go to Fairfield High, and see Forget on a daily basis, and fear his nutcracking me in between his calves, I won't go on. All I can say is that he does love those calves.

     
  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger Michelle Marie said…

    HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! Those calves are unforgettable....and larger than most tree trunks. Yikes!!

     
  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Under normal circumstances I would feel sorry for someone in Forget's position. But Forget I could never feel sorry for. I had him for Fitness in sophomore year and he was a complete asshole. Mr. Forget is one of those bigheaded jock teachers who can't seem to comprehend that the star athletes are not the only ones trying to do their best. He treated me like crap the entire quarter because I wasn't as athletic as some of my classmates. When it came time to do the fitness tests I failed all but one of them, as I had been expecting (and the very first day I approached him with my concerns--before I knew he was an ass--and asked for some suggestions so I wouldn't fail, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him either). He was a complete jerk about it, and basically assumed I wasn't trying. Some guys in one of my computer classes found his Match.com profile once...I laughed then and I'm laughing again because the man is just...assinine. And really. Calves? That's your most attractive part? As a girl, I feel my only proper response to that is....eww. Fucking eww.

     
  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Whitney* said…

    I have to say, this is one of the funniest things I've ever read about some one I know, personally. I died laughing, especially when I reached the film titles. You guys have way too much time on your hands, but at least you're making it fun for everyone... Well... almost everyone. Happy Forget spotting! =)

     
  • At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Jess said…

    this is by far the funniest thing i have heard ever.

    forget alwasy scared me with his calfs i had him sophmore year for health (im a frosh in college now) and his short shorts and large calfs made me sick to my stomach and scared the s**t outta me. haha

    and i had lady forget for english senior year. she was wayy loopy last year, because of the divorce, im sure she was a good teacher otherwise, but man.. she was odd haha

     

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