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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Randomness including Jeff/hooker ghosts/German beer and shirtless phil

Let's get back to the Media Wave bizna$$ with some in-store quotes of the day (which can also be for the month because I haven't done them in a while)
*First and foremost, the most quotable person alive: Jeff
(the first two are my personal favs)
-"How awesome would it be to have your own hooker ghost?"
-"if i was a homo i'd dance like drew"
-"Drew, you're not normal you're emo"
but you have to understand that Jeff says everything in durty south speak, like "e'rythang" and "right thhuurr" etc, so this is how he sounds:
"Dreeew, yuurr're not neeerrmal, yeer emo! mothafucka!"


*The readers have yet to be formally introduced to Joseph, our cute 85 year old used VHS/DVD hustler who can't hear very well and mixes up our names every time he comes in, but that's in an upcoming post. For right now, I thought this little discourse between Joseph and Jeff was mildly amusing, at least in person.
(by the way, we like to fuck with him and confuse him as much as we can whenever possible...)
Joseph: I used to buy all the italiano stuff
Jeff: What, like "The Sopranos?"
Joseph: SPANIARDS??? WHAT?
Jeff: SOOPPPRAAANNOOOSS
Joseph: What? SPANIARDS? What's that got to do with italianos?
Jeff: SPANIARDS!
Joseph: HUH?
Jeff: Jordan - he's a spaniard, that's what I'm sayin!
Me: You got a problem with that, Joseph?
Joseph: NO! I know 2 spaniard girls. they're going back in a few days-I
bought a TV off them
Me & Jeff: hahaha uh ok..
Joseph: Thing is, I didn't get the remote!
Jeff: That sucks man, now you'll never get it...
Joseph: Noo it's ok, I'll track em down!
Joseph is totally nutz. He's bananas! be ay en ay en ay es

*The computer tech guy came in and was talkin to me about beer and exclaimed that he was boycotting any beer from Holland. I asked him why and he said (paraphrasing): "Because those kids that killed that girl in Aruba were from Holland, and that was just awful, man, so I'm not going to support any beer from that country. Nope, from now on I'll stick to German beer"
...Which is a lot more socially conscious because the Germans have never commited any violent crimes or attrocities or anything... and thank God he took a stand against those evil Holland breweries! I think that bastard country is getting the message loud and clear.



*There is this woman who comes in with her son who are two of the oddest people I've ever seen. (Back and )to the left is an actual picture of her posing for a Pez add (...as she tends to do). One of the most miserable looking people I've ever seen, her son looks like he got every bad trait in her genes. I've mentioned them before because recently she asked us to turn off the PG rated family film "Little Monsters" starring all-American boy Fred Savage, because the movie was too "scary" for her adolescent son. He literally started crying because Howie Mandel had horns in it, and Howie's brand of unthreatening family humor in the film, the kid just couldn't handle the onslaught of brutal imagery. So apparently from now on his mother walks in the store way ahead of him to make sure what we're playing on the TV won't make her little bitch of a son start crying. But that wasn't enough for the poor sensitive kid because he walked in with his hands over his ears looking down at the floor while he walked and quickly nuzzled himself between his moms warm thighs in what I will now continue to refer to as the "Pink Cave Of Safety"... whenever I'm refering the place between this woman's thighs (which is more often then you think).
I swear, I'm going to go to elementry school one day (one of the days I'm not preying on the young girls), wait for that kid after class and jump him. I'll give him a good, respectable beating that he''ll remember and maybe that'll learn him to toughen up. I've never seen such a little wussy bitch before in my life... except Drew, of course.

*A middle-aged retarded gentleman rented Phil Of The Future. Nothing against the retarded, he's a very sweet man, but that seems like the only demographic of people this show could appeal to. That and screaming teenage girls, and and both groups of people share the same general characteristics.
I recently joined the MySpace.com group called "I LOVE RICKY ULLMAN!" (aka ricky rawks). I thought it would be funny since Ricky (or Raviv, as real people know him by because that's his real name which he changed to Ricky so it wouldn't seem so ethnic to Disney) went to school with us here in Fairfield where Media Wave is located and since high school has gone on to become a fucking major hunky Disney superstar to all of our amazement, and jealousy. All the teenage girls want his dong instead of mine now. In my net surfing, I found this fan site that recently posted a shirtless picture of Ricky, probably from high school with his friends but Kina will have to confirm that for us...
What's truly bizarre is that there is an entire picture gallery of pictures of him with people I know from high school and prom and graduation and party pictures and all sorts of fanatical invasive home town stuff. To have one of your peers elevated to a status like that is so beyond me, but I'm sure all you folks reading this feel that way about me too. The girl who made this website even made her own personal email address rickyullman@gmail.com. What a nutjob. Kind of meta, though.

*Last but not least, this crazy dude who I've seen at the health food store buying weight-gain powder comes into the store all the time and either acts like or is completely drunk (one of the many.. seriously). This proves he's either crazy, drunk or my hero (and the first two usually add up to my hero anyway):
He came in with his shirt totally unbuttoned open, exposing his small muscles and multiple tattoos and Drew helped him at the register where he told Drew that he's a professional criminal. I encourage Drew to elaborate on this story please!

That's it for now. More posts that are better quality comedy are coming, including one about the COOLEST man either Drew or I have EVER seen in our long, long lives.

-Jordan
-check out this website that i found during my google.com picture hunt for howie mandell - it's priceless (if you love chimps, as i do)

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  • At 11:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's Claire. I looked through that "Ricky" Ullman site...it's nutters. I look through and I'm like, "I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE!" (I graduated with them...) Just thought I'd let you know...I saw Raviv on the cover of a TigerBeat magazine that some little kid was buying at Borders. It was INSANE! But yeah, I'm at skool and I miss Media Wave, I am not afraid to admit.

     
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