Chuck Norris Movie Of The Week - Good Guys Wear Black

As much as I hate to give in to popular trends, especially in comedy (Hey, anyone seen Brokeback Mountain? It's gay!), I maintain that I was in on this "Chuck Norris Craze" way before it got mainstream, because I've got my finger on the pulse of the underground. It's sweeping the nation with the sudden popularity of "Chuck Norris Facts", a website that generates random made up Chuck Norris... Facts. Good name for the website, huh? If you recall, we at The Showcase had spearheaded the "Vin Diesel Facts" movement that never took off which was a random facts generator made by the same people (they also have a Mr. T site).

Anyway, trendy or not, the Chuck Norris facts and the craze itself are pretty effing hilarious and I wholeheartedly embrace and endorse this trend.

That being said, I've decided to start a "Chuck Norris Movie Of The Week" series. In fact, he has so many that it might have to be "Of The Day".
So here's the first in our 432 part series:

Note: This cover inspired the idea for this entire series, that's how fucking awesomely Norrisean (I'm coining that term, by the way).

The lesson here: sometimes simplicity works best.
It's just Chuck Norris, with a kick ass stache, a stone cold "I'll fucking kill you" look and reflective sunglasses, like a no-nonsense highway patrolman who takes no guff from the punks... who seem to be skateboarding on his car?

And then there's the title: Good Guys Wear BLACK! It pretty much says it all.

The Plot: Norris plays John T. Booker, an asskicker name if I've ever heard one (and I have: my own), as a... you guessed it, a Vietnam vet who kicked so much unauthorized ass during the war that the C.I.A. is all over his ass. Now his squad is being killed off one by one and Norris has to go straighten some shit out. Heads are gonna roll. You find out in the end that Norris himself is the one who is killing all his squad members, because after the war he had no one left to kill*. It's a really nice Shyamalanian twist ending.

Apparently the reflection of someone jump-kicking a car in his sunglasses on the DVD cover is really a "monumental flying kick that Norris' character, John T. Booker, administers through the windshield of an oncoming car to his would-be assassin (a Vietnamese operative disguised with a blond wig and a Van Dyke!)" -From Amazon.com.
If that isn't the most meta thing you've ever seen, I don't know what is - I mean, the picture is of Chuck Norris watching HIMSELF administering a flying jump-kick to a moving car, pulverizing his assassin through the windshield.
Not just that, he is actually seeing his own actions in two different frame through each lens - he see's himself in mid-air in the left lens, and crashing into the guys face in his right lens. Does this even make any sense? Can Chuck Norris really multiply himself in times of extreme danger? Yes, of course he can, he's Chuck Fucking Norris.


When I look at this DVD box I think "FUCK YES". Someone actually came in at 10:15 to rent this, and when he came up to the register with this box I had a reflex reaction and yelled out "FUCK YES!" and then we high-fived. It was really manly and awesome. The guy who rented it also had a mustache

-Jordan

*I made up that twist ending, but it seemed entirely possible that it would be the real ending, didn't it?

Futher Reading: Read about the Chuck Norris siting outside the store

Adam's stalkers aren't that bad looking I guess

As you might have read (see below), the Media Wave staff (collectively) has claimed yet another young maidens heart, just by stone cold chillin' and doin' the damn thing. I suppose in this case it could count as 2 young hearts, considering these stalkers work as a team, which could work out quite nicely for the particular employee they have their sights set on and creepy letters addressed to.
I think at this point, between the stalkers of the store itself and those dedicated to individual employees, we could probably get a small cult together and live in an isolated community of inappropriately directed love.

Adam had a few strange encounters and one very random Valentine's Day Card, hand written and delivered to him at the store days before Feb. 14th by 2 peculiar lasses, and we all gave a big "Awwww Adam has a wawintine!" and thought it might end with that. Oh, were we ever wrong. More pointlessly strange phone calls have followed, along with a written synopsis of their thoughts on the movie they rented from him (that Adam's never seen) that was dropped through the return slot in a big plastic bag one night, similar to anonymous way the Letters we used to get from my favorite stalker were dropped.

As promised, here are the scanned images of the new Letter/Thinly veiled death threat(If interpreted the right way... at least that's how I took it):



Clever. They decided to correctly fill out the rarely noticed "Contents" and "Date" section on most big plastic bags, but didn't pay much attention to whatever day it was, but at least it was important enough to note the month and the year for archiving purposes.






















Notice they clearly addressed this to Paul, the owner of the store, who looks nothing like Adam. We know they meant Adam becuase they try to identify Paul as "the guy with dark puffy-hair", but I have no idea where they got Paul's name and who told them Paul was Adam.












When you get down to the actual content of the letter, there isn't much weird about it - Except that they selectively use the 3rd person. That, or they switch writers. "we thought it was kinda bad" - "Ann really likes.." - "Erin also likes...", instead of "I also like...". That, and the overall pointlessness of it all.
In fact, they aren't bad looking chicks, and they seem to wanna get all up on his junk. I wouldn't blame Adam if he hit that shit, and he'd get extra points if he tries to Houdini them. Just as long as they don't ask for a break on late fees.


This comes nowhere near the best stalker, who used rotating celebrity/world leader identities as his/her (are girls really this nerdy?) name in a desperate attempt to persuade Paul (not Adam) to buy a long list of his/her favorite obscure out of print cult sci-fi movies. He would also print it out on a computer and use different font styles to match which identity he was using (for example: he uses caligraphy style font when writing as the Queen of England), and he also put scented smiley face stickers on some of the letters (specifically the from written from the identity of murderous dictator Idi Amin Daba ...). Now that's what I call a stalker!


Anyway, we're hoping that this doesn't turn into an obsessive love relationship that ends with Adam's death because we really need him covering the weekend shifts, because Drew and I really don't want to.

Further Reading: Check out each letter from My Favorite Stalker (some linked above already) -
Letter I - The Queen Of England
Letter II - Idi Amin Dada
Letter III - Poopie Pants
Letter IV, V & VI - Trilogy of Terror (Enough already!)

-Jordan

Happy Valentine's Day - sincerely, Your Stalker

Hi, my name is Adam, and I work at The Media Wave.

I'd like to tell you a story; a story about love, lust, passion, and murder, about sex, lies, and videotape.
Alas, I can not. I'd like to, but I'm lame. Anyway, here's a good one, story that is.

Ever since working at The Wave I've had... encounters. Blog worthy?... maybe... well yes. In fact, I can think of a couple right now, but butt face Jordan wont let me blog on the blog because, I'm a n00b.

But this one is so strange, so weird, and so appropriate for today... it must be told...

ne day, (the day before The Blizzard of 06® day) I was working behind the counter, line all the way to the back of the store, checking out people faster than all the other employees combined (nothing new there...). [Editor's Note: Adam, you're slower than a retarded monkey's step child, bitch]

Two girls step forward to check out.

(On a side note, which might make sense of this whole crazy story, but I doubt it... I opened the door for them when I came in.)

They rent three movies of which I can't remember, nor care to. Actually one was one of Peter Jackson's first films Meet the Feebles , which is pretty groovy of them. They were in and out. Not any different from any other transaction that day.

So maybe about an hour later there's a phone call, and Jordan says, "It's for you." This made me quite curious, because I have a cell phone, and when someone needs me they call that, not the work line.
I pick up, and answer, "Adam speaking". A girls voice says, "Hi, you checked us out before, and we got the wrong movie. Can you check my account, and see if you checked it out." Blah blah blah. So I found I did, no biggie. She said not to worry about it, and I didn't, because I only care about myself.

Then! Not two minutes later, (both of these happened when the store was crazy because of the upcoming Blizzard of 06®) I get summoned again. Jeff says, "Adam", I say "WTF?!?!", and pick up the phone.

"Hi Adam, this is that girls friend from before. Where do you live?"

At this point I was so completely taken off guard, that I was simply at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry, what?" I reply.
"Where do you live?"
"Why?"
"Because, we were wondering if you wanted to deliver the movie to us."
"OOoooh... well I live in Stratford, but I don't think I could do that.
I get off at ten, and I don't want to find someone's house in the snow."

Jeff says, "Dude, tell them to fuck off!" Mind you everyone is working hard with a line, and I'm on a phone saying, "I live in Stratford" to some random customer. It was just plain awkward.

"Oh ya, I understand. Okay, we just thought you could if it was on your way. But that's alright."
"Ya, I don't know if I would do it though. It's not something we normally do."
"All right, just thought we would ask. Okay, bye."

I was a little weirded out to say the least. The guys asked me what hell was going on. After stuttering, trying to think of what it was about, I just told them what happened, and they were all as confused as me.

Then about half an hour later, the two girls come back.

I turn around and say, "Oh hey guys, sorry about the movie. I got it for ya here." One of them says, "Ya, we're sorry about that. We didn't want to weird you out."

THEN SHE FUCKING FREAKS ME OUT.

"Here you go," as she hands me a folded piece of paper, "it's a valentines card, we made this for you."

...





...

At this point all my motor functions ceased, I forgot my name, and I just stood there... lost. I could not think at all. I think I thought, "Wwwhhaaaa..tt...th..the...ffffffffffffuu.uuck." I mean JESUS, what would you do... EXACTLY! Same thing okay. Finally, I mumble something like, "Wow, what planet are you guys from." take the card, shove it in my back pocket quickly and embarrassed, check them out, and stare vacantly at the next customer.

ALL I could think about for the rest of the night was, "What the hell is in this card?!". Because it was too busy to pull it out, and read it right there. Plus if it said something... personal (a'WINK*) I didn't want anyone else to read it until I approved.
Finally I open it an hour or two later.






I just stared at it, not able to comprehend it for a good two minutes.
Then my mind focused on one word at a time, and I was more confused
than ever... maybe even a little frightened.

THE END

-Frightenedly

ADAM
[Editor's Note: PS Fuck you Adam]

A Double Threat Dad

Classic asshole kid comment of the day:

A 15 year old talking to his dad:

"Why can't I rent it? You're so retarded!"

and even better

"Dad you're so gay!"

Fairfield County kids really have an interesting perspective on their parents, because if his dad is gay AND retarded, the odds are really against him

-Jordan

Yo Big Mama

Well, it’s my first post in a while to the, er… Brokebackery. Um… Anyway, just thought I’d write a little bit about The Blizzard of 06®, which got Fairfield (the home base for the Brokebackery) mentioned on the front page of CNN for a whopping 28 inches of snow. A couple of more inches and the snow would have almost measured the length of my enormous wang. (That was for our lady-readers.)



On Friday I opened the store and was immediately bombarded by customers of all shapes, sizes, and annoyances. The first customer of the day, who strolled in at 10:01, tripping over the still-rolled-up floor mat, is the annoying guy with the retarded/androgynous child and a penchant for renting hardcore anime porn (and being a complete idiot). And let me tell you - the day just got better from there. (Keep in mind I was alone from 10 to 2, and when Kevin came in he immediately threw on “The Living Daylights.” Classic.)

Highlights:

A woman brought up a card for a movie that is included in the critically lauded Billy Graham collection. She asked me a question about it and I go: “It’s a boxed set of movies endorsed by Billy Graham and if his movies are half as good as his sermons… his movies suck.” There was laughter, but it was the kind of choked, guilty laugh that also had a “OH-KAY” slipped in there for good measure.

Then the greatest thing ever happened:

I was helping a woman at the counter who had several obnoxious children roaming about and setting fire to things (setting things afire – thanks Bramlet). There are a few people behind her: including an older woman dressed in black, and (behind that lady) a guy who was actually black. So while I’m helping her out (and she’s of course focused on me and my penetrating sex-eyes), one of her little kids turns to the lady in the black, points, and says, flat out:

“SHE’S FAT.”



And the addressee goes: “He’s right, I am fat.” And the mother at first didn’t even hear what was going on. Then she snaps around and goes: “What did he say? Where did you even hear that?” The “fat” woman didn’t seem to take any offense. Then the mother shuffles out the store with the kid being dragged and she’s slapping and yelling at him, and he starts to cry.

A few minutes later, while I’m helping the supposedly big-boned woman, the mother comes BACK in to apologize profusely and say how mortified she was at her child (it was a lot like Oprah’s description of how James Frey made her feel). The woman was not offended at all and kept saying “No, I am fat.” And I’m behind the counter freezing my balls off (the heat had been turned off since Monday) and trying to keep my head down and away from the extreme awkwardness swirling around me. It was beyond uncomfortable and now, in hindsight, hilarious.

Just thought I’d share.

Jack Twist.

Picture/Asshole of the Week - Get Low to the Flo'

The Media Wave Picture/ Asshole of the Week (Day?):

No, this isn't my attempt at getting sexy shot of a 3rd graders fatty for my spank bank. Although, it seems as though I've succeeded with that either way.

I took this candid-camera phone picture from behind a DVDs-For-Sale rack, all covert style n shit. If you couldn't tell, this is a real photo of a grown woman and her young daughter sprawled out, lying in the middle of the goddamn store like they own the mothafucka.

Not only that, but unfortunately this image couldn't totally capture the unsightly mess that is just hinted at to the right of the picture next to her leg - this woman, who presumably owns a home, handles adult responsiblity to at least the point that is necessary to exist, and who is rearing a child, left a HUGE mess of empty soda bottles, open DVD boxes and some other junk from her purse or some bullshit. Fuck my balls, are you kidding me? It gets worse...

Not only was she lying in the middle of the store in a pile of garbage with her young daughter, but at the point of this picture she had been lying on the floor, head to our rarely cleaned, frequently uriniated upon carpet, for more than 10 MINUTES!....
ON HER CELL PHONE!!
Yes, that's right. She was carrying on a very loud and obnoxious cell phone conversation while lying in the middle of a fucking popular retail business - with her daugher following her lead - for probably 15 minutes straight.

"Hey Meegan! Oh good, how are you? yea, you know... - I'm just lying down resting. No, I'm not home, I'm at the video store with my daughter, Madisen. No it's ok, I can talk. No, yea...- yea, no I'm on the floor. Yeeea, the floor. I was soo tired when I got here I literally could not wait until I got home to lay down. You know what I mean, right? I KNOW! It's like, when you're tired you're tired, right?, and you can't, like, mess with nature - at least that's what my herbalist told me. And it's like, Madisen was already on the floor pulling DVD boxes off the shelves, so I figured if she could do it so could I. Yea- yea, no yea I know, rules of public conduct are sooo stupid!- YES! "

And so forth...
Well, that is how I imagined her cell phone conversation going... I figure her daughter's name is Madisen because anyone named Madisen is a fucking dumb bitch, or raised by one, so...

The whole time I was trying my best to secretly take pictures from different angles but it was too difficult without blowing my cover. I'm pretty sure she saw me doing it once but didn't really care and just continued laying there chatting herself silly.

AND she's wearing really ugly boots with stupid grey sweatpants. What a bitch.

Let me also remind the reader that this is not by any means the first picture I have someone lying on floor in the middle of the store. I think to date this is the 4th, maybe the 5th picture I've taken with my trusty camera phone of this phenomenon - of the incidents I actually got to take pictures of, here are some of the pictures I still have:


It's one thing if 8 year olds do it - Hell, I used to do it. I was even lazier as a kid than I am now, and that's saying a lot considering I used to fall asleep on display beds (and in the backroom) at my last job at a furniture store. But middle aged women? I always knew older women would be laying down anywhere to get with me, but I never imagined this!

-Jordan

Celebrity Sighting - The greatest star in cinema & television history

The other day a woman ran into the store frantically trying to tell Jeff something. I was putting up returns during the commotion so I wasn't involved until I heard Jeff calling my name and giving me the "Um... come help me with this weirdo" signal. So, against my better judgement, I go help him out.

Jeff: "We need your Martial Arts expertise"
Me: "Um, my what? Is there a villain that needs a-killin? Or what? I don't know much about martial arts movies"
Jeff: "She's looking for some help with Bruce Lee movies"
The frantic lady looks at me, her face lights up and she says
Weird Lady: "You know guy in all those Bruce Lee or Martial Arts movies?"
Me: "um.. Bruce Lee?"
Weird Lady: "No, no.. the guy with the pepper beard, he's kind of old now but he usually has a beard. He's in all those old martial arts movies"
Thinking I could answer any question about bearded men, I put my thinking cap on... but came up with nothing
Weird Lady: "You know... he's got that pepper beard and he's old. He's in all those martial arts movies!"
Me: "Yea.. thanks"
FINALLY the woman got to the point...
Weird Lady: "Let me get to the point. I just saw him walking down the street!!! Just now, he just passed me! But I forgot his name! Well, I gotta run but when I think of it I'll come back and you'll know exactly who I'm talking about."

We kind of forgot all about this weird random burst of excitement and mystery until about an hour later when she busts through the door once again, stops whatever we're doing (most likely we weren't doing anything) and yells
"CHUCK NORRIS!! It was CHUCK NORRIS! The guy with the beard! We was just walkin down the street!"
HOLY SHIT!, I thought. "Pepper beard"?? huh?
I said to her "ARE YOU SURE??? WHY DIDN'T YOU GRAB HIM AND BRING HIM IN HERE!?" and she replied
"Well, celebrities don't like to be disturbed around here. He probably lives locally and has a daughter in the dance school behind this store".
After thinking it over I told her
"you're right. In fact you're very lucky. By not bothering him you probably saved yourself a very fatal roundhouse kick through your head, or at the very least a broken arm."

I would like to think that Chuck Norris's daughter takes karate, kick boxing, delta force tactics or death blow classes, or training to be a Ranger in some yet undetermined state, or something to that effect... but I guess dancing is a form of fighting... maybe it's a capoeira class.

So in tribute to Chuck Norris, by far the best celebrity (and bearded brother) that has graced our sidewalk, here is a picture of maybe my favorite Chuck Norris movie (besides "Lone Wolf McQuade" - Norris VS David Carradine!! and "Sidekicks"- many a life lesson learned) ever: "Hellbound"! No, not the Montreal, Canada crust-core band, the movie where Chuck is pitted against armageddon!
"Mess with this Chicago cop and there's hell to pay!" - oh, clever!
Plot Description:
"To Chicago undercover policemen Shatter and Jackson, everything from petty theft to murder one is as common as ham and eggs. But nothing could prepare them for a force spawned by hell itself. Excitement comes on strong when Chuck Norris plays Shatter in the eerie supernatural thriller Hellbound. A murder investigation whisks Shatter and sidekick Jackson (Calvin Levels) to the Holy Land's windswept reaches. There they discover it's more than a murder case that hangs in the balance: it's the fate of the world. Human meddling has restored a powerful satanic messenger to life. Now all that stands in the way of the creature's plan for dominance is a mysterious blood rite - and two never-say-die cops."

I know what you're saying: This film has all the makings of a masterpiece! You're right.
So why does it rate so low with the critics?
Because the critics don't know shit about never-say-die cops, demons or how to kick ass.
First of all, Chuck Norris plays a character named SHATTER and to him murder is as common as ham and fuckin eggs. Holy shit.
His sidekicks name is JACKSON, which is a pretty cool name as we have learned from Samuel L. Jackson, so you might be wondering - is this Jackson black too? Of course he is, silly, his name is Jackson! What kind of early 90's action buddy cop action movie would this be if there wasn't a black character with a stereotypically black name as the sidekick to a white guy with a hard hitting name like Shatter?

With the Crusader army at the bottom and fire all around, this movie cover suggests that Norris goes back in time to fight Evil itself... in HELL!. Since I haven't and will not see the film, I will go on assuming that, even though I know it isn't true. All I know is that when armageddon does come, and it will come soon, I want Chuck Norris there to kick it's ass.

The funniest thing to me is that when we got this movie on DVD it rented fairly well. Guys in the action section who just weren't satisfied with fruity crap like "Fantastic Four" zeroed in on this one because they knew, just like you now know, that this movie has everything anyone could ever ask for - Chuck Norris. Nuff said.

God I wish he came in to rent one of his own movies... Maybe next time, Chuck. From now on we are going to set up a Chuck Norris Tribute section so that in case he ever does come in he will know how much we love him. And also because any video store with any balls really should have a Chuck Norris section.
Now I know where his daughter goes for dance lessons, so it will be safe to say I'll be lurking outside the dance center doors around 8pm every Tuesday and Thursday when class gets out... which I happen to know for no particularly creepy reason...

-Jordan

Intolerance

I overheard a particularly offensive conversation between two young guys that seem to represent this country's intolerant and close-minded attitude toward alternative marriage. The religious right seems to be taking over and the opinions of people about what is "decent" or "moral" or "legal" are completely out of touch with the modern world.
Must we continue to stand idly by as everyday people openly engage in this kind of discrimination?:

13 year old kid: Oh man, that's sick
Older brother: What?
Kid: "Corpse Bride"... He's marrying a corpse!
Brother: Yea, so?
Kid: It's SICK! It's a dead person and they're getting married?
Brother: Well I'm sure they have a very loving relationship
Kid: It doesn't matter, that's just wrong. It's sick. *

The anti-corpse marriage attitude in this country has to stop! With Bush in office for another 3 years and the republicans running the government it looks as though there will never be tolerance for inter-worldy unions.

There is nothing wrong with 2 people, alive or dead or what have you, who love each other being able to get married in a court of law. Love transcends the boundaries of "life and death", it's in all the classic love stories. So why does there have to be so much hate and misunderstanding?
I guess people hate what they can't understand and fear what they hate and the simple truth is that even in 2006 people are still afraid of the walking dead. Get over it! So sometimes the dead walk among us and marry the living, what is the big deal?? Just because they come from the grave doesn't mean they're controlled by satan, and not all corpses go around marrying any willing partner they find at a corpse bar. This country is so unenlightened to the truth about the living dead.

Movies like Brokeback Mountain are making history for gay relationships in popular culture and has even been recognized by the Oscar's, but even more controversial films like "Corpse Bride", "Nekromantik" and especially "Play Dead", a film about gay necrophilia, are generally and not suprisingly ignored. What kind of country are we living in, or in some cases, living dead in?

*That conversation is word for word as I heard it, completely real. The kid was absolutely sincere in being sickened by such a relationship, and his older brother was playing along and sort of mocking him, as I have tried to do here as well.

-Jordan

For more on "Nekromantik" (I know you want to know more) check out one of my favorite DVD Picks
and also check the reality of this satire when the government attacks our right to marry our animals