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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day - sincerely, Your Stalker

Hi, my name is Adam, and I work at The Media Wave.

I'd like to tell you a story; a story about love, lust, passion, and murder, about sex, lies, and videotape.
Alas, I can not. I'd like to, but I'm lame. Anyway, here's a good one, story that is.

Ever since working at The Wave I've had... encounters. Blog worthy?... maybe... well yes. In fact, I can think of a couple right now, but butt face Jordan wont let me blog on the blog because, I'm a n00b.

But this one is so strange, so weird, and so appropriate for today... it must be told...

ne day, (the day before The Blizzard of 06® day) I was working behind the counter, line all the way to the back of the store, checking out people faster than all the other employees combined (nothing new there...). [Editor's Note: Adam, you're slower than a retarded monkey's step child, bitch]

Two girls step forward to check out.

(On a side note, which might make sense of this whole crazy story, but I doubt it... I opened the door for them when I came in.)

They rent three movies of which I can't remember, nor care to. Actually one was one of Peter Jackson's first films Meet the Feebles , which is pretty groovy of them. They were in and out. Not any different from any other transaction that day.

So maybe about an hour later there's a phone call, and Jordan says, "It's for you." This made me quite curious, because I have a cell phone, and when someone needs me they call that, not the work line.
I pick up, and answer, "Adam speaking". A girls voice says, "Hi, you checked us out before, and we got the wrong movie. Can you check my account, and see if you checked it out." Blah blah blah. So I found I did, no biggie. She said not to worry about it, and I didn't, because I only care about myself.

Then! Not two minutes later, (both of these happened when the store was crazy because of the upcoming Blizzard of 06®) I get summoned again. Jeff says, "Adam", I say "WTF?!?!", and pick up the phone.
"Hi Adam, this is that girls friend from before. Where do you live?"
At this point I was so completely taken off guard, that I was simply at a loss for words.
"I'm sorry, what?" I reply.
"Where do you live?"
"Why?"
"Because, we were wondering if you wanted to deliver the movie to us."
"OOoooh... well I live in Stratford, but I don't think I could do that.
I get off at ten, and I don't want to find someone's house in the snow."
Jeff says, "Dude, tell them to fuck off!" Mind you everyone is working hard with a line, and I'm on a phone saying, "I live in Stratford" to some random customer. It was just plain awkward.
"Oh ya, I understand. Okay, we just thought you could if it was on your way. But that's alright."
"Ya, I don't know if I would do it though. It's not something we normally do."
"All right, just thought we would ask. Okay, bye."
I was a little weirded out to say the least. The guys asked me what hell was going on. After stuttering, trying to think of what it was about, I just told them what happened, and they were all as confused as me.

Then about half an hour later, the two girls come back.

I turn around and say, "Oh hey guys, sorry about the movie. I got it for ya here." One of them says, "Ya, we're sorry about that. We didn't want to weird you out."

THEN SHE FUCKING FREAKS ME OUT.
"Here you go," as she hands me a folded piece of paper, "it's a valentines card, we made this for you."
...





...

At this point all my motor functions ceased, I forgot my name, and I just stood there... lost. I could not think at all. I think I thought, "Wwwhhaaaa..tt...th..the...ffffffffffffuu.uuck." I mean JESUS, what would you do... EXACTLY! Same thing okay. Finally, I mumble something like, "Wow, what planet are you guys from." take the card, shove it in my back pocket quickly and embarrassed, check them out, and stare vacantly at the next customer.

ALL I could think about for the rest of the night was, "What the hell is in this card?!". Because it was too busy to pull it out, and read it right there. Plus if it said something... personal (a'WINK*) I didn't want anyone else to read it until I approved.
Finally I open it an hour or two later.






I just stared at it, not able to comprehend it for a good two minutes.
Then my mind focused on one word at a time, and I was more confused
than ever... maybe even a little frightened.

THE END

-Frightenedly

ADAM
[Editor's Note: PS Fuck you Adam]

5 Comments:

  • At 6:59 AM, Blogger Zombie Drew said…

    That, as we say up north, is FUCKING WEIRD.

     
  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Sarah's little brother said…

    You can only expect tomfoolery this brokeback from Fairfield girls, I'll tell you that much.

     
  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger Johnny Babu said…

    were they cute? and what's under the blurred parts? i mean, i'm not that confused, maybe if i knew what those were i'd be as confused as you were and be able to comprehend the ridiculousness of the card.

     
  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger 4head said…

    just their names, blurred for their protection

     
  • At 9:24 AM, Blogger Brother Haruspex said…

    it's like East River Pipe says

    "the ultrabright bitch
    she's waiting in a ditch"

     

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