Yo Big Mama

Well, it’s my first post in a while to the, er… Brokebackery. Um… Anyway, just thought I’d write a little bit about The Blizzard of 06®, which got Fairfield (the home base for the Brokebackery) mentioned on the front page of CNN for a whopping 28 inches of snow. A couple of more inches and the snow would have almost measured the length of my enormous wang. (That was for our lady-readers.)



On Friday I opened the store and was immediately bombarded by customers of all shapes, sizes, and annoyances. The first customer of the day, who strolled in at 10:01, tripping over the still-rolled-up floor mat, is the annoying guy with the retarded/androgynous child and a penchant for renting hardcore anime porn (and being a complete idiot). And let me tell you - the day just got better from there. (Keep in mind I was alone from 10 to 2, and when Kevin came in he immediately threw on “The Living Daylights.” Classic.)

Highlights:

A woman brought up a card for a movie that is included in the critically lauded Billy Graham collection. She asked me a question about it and I go: “It’s a boxed set of movies endorsed by Billy Graham and if his movies are half as good as his sermons… his movies suck.” There was laughter, but it was the kind of choked, guilty laugh that also had a “OH-KAY” slipped in there for good measure.

Then the greatest thing ever happened:

I was helping a woman at the counter who had several obnoxious children roaming about and setting fire to things (setting things afire – thanks Bramlet). There are a few people behind her: including an older woman dressed in black, and (behind that lady) a guy who was actually black. So while I’m helping her out (and she’s of course focused on me and my penetrating sex-eyes), one of her little kids turns to the lady in the black, points, and says, flat out:

“SHE’S FAT.”



And the addressee goes: “He’s right, I am fat.” And the mother at first didn’t even hear what was going on. Then she snaps around and goes: “What did he say? Where did you even hear that?” The “fat” woman didn’t seem to take any offense. Then the mother shuffles out the store with the kid being dragged and she’s slapping and yelling at him, and he starts to cry.

A few minutes later, while I’m helping the supposedly big-boned woman, the mother comes BACK in to apologize profusely and say how mortified she was at her child (it was a lot like Oprah’s description of how James Frey made her feel). The woman was not offended at all and kept saying “No, I am fat.” And I’m behind the counter freezing my balls off (the heat had been turned off since Monday) and trying to keep my head down and away from the extreme awkwardness swirling around me. It was beyond uncomfortable and now, in hindsight, hilarious.

Just thought I’d share.

Jack Twist.