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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Celebrity Sighting - The greatest star in cinema & television history

The other day a woman ran into the store frantically trying to tell Jeff something. I was putting up returns during the commotion so I wasn't involved until I heard Jeff calling my name and giving me the "Um... come help me with this weirdo" signal. So, against my better judgement, I go help him out.

Jeff: "We need your Martial Arts expertise"
Me: "Um, my what? Is there a villain that needs a-killin? Or what? I don't know much about martial arts movies"
Jeff: "She's looking for some help with Bruce Lee movies"
The frantic lady looks at me, her face lights up and she says
Weird Lady: "You know guy in all those Bruce Lee or Martial Arts movies?"
Me: "um.. Bruce Lee?"
Weird Lady: "No, no.. the guy with the pepper beard, he's kind of old now but he usually has a beard. He's in all those old martial arts movies"
Thinking I could answer any question about bearded men, I put my thinking cap on... but came up with nothing
Weird Lady: "You know... he's got that pepper beard and he's old. He's in all those martial arts movies!"
Me: "Yea.. thanks"
FINALLY the woman got to the point...
Weird Lady: "Let me get to the point. I just saw him walking down the street!!! Just now, he just passed me! But I forgot his name! Well, I gotta run but when I think of it I'll come back and you'll know exactly who I'm talking about."

We kind of forgot all about this weird random burst of excitement and mystery until about an hour later when she busts through the door once again, stops whatever we're doing (most likely we weren't doing anything) and yells
"CHUCK NORRIS!! It was CHUCK NORRIS! The guy with the beard! We was just walkin down the street!"
HOLY SHIT!, I thought. "Pepper beard"?? huh?
I said to her
"ARE YOU SURE??? WHY DIDN'T YOU GRAB HIM AND BRING HIM IN HERE!?" and she replied
"Well, celebrities don't like to be disturbed around here. He probably lives locally and has a daughter in the dance school behind this store".
After thinking it over I told her
"you're right. In fact you're very lucky. By not bothering him you probably saved yourself a very fatal roundhouse kick through your head, or at the very least a broken arm."

I would like to think that Chuck Norris's daughter takes karate, kick boxing, delta force tactics or death blow classes, or training to be a Ranger in some yet undetermined state, or something to that effect... but I guess dancing is a form of fighting... maybe it's a capoeira class.

So in tribute to Chuck Norris, by far the best celebrity (and bearded brother) that has graced our sidewalk, here is a picture of maybe my favorite Chuck Norris movie (besides "Lone Wolf McQuade" - Norris VS David Carradine!! and "Sidekicks"- many a life lesson learned) ever: "Hellbound"! No, not the Montreal, Canada crust-core band, the movie where Chuck is pitted against armageddon!
"Mess with this Chicago cop and there's hell to pay!" - oh, clever!
Plot Description:
"To Chicago undercover policemen Shatter and Jackson, everything from petty theft to murder one is as common as ham and eggs. But nothing could prepare them for a force spawned by hell itself. Excitement comes on strong when Chuck Norris plays Shatter in the eerie supernatural thriller Hellbound. A murder investigation whisks Shatter and sidekick Jackson (Calvin Levels) to the Holy Land's windswept reaches. There they discover it's more than a murder case that hangs in the balance: it's the fate of the world. Human meddling has restored a powerful satanic messenger to life. Now all that stands in the way of the creature's plan for dominance is a mysterious blood rite - and two never-say-die cops."

I know what you're saying: This film has all the makings of a masterpiece! You're right.
So why does it rate so low with the critics?
Because the critics don't know shit about never-say-die cops, demons or how to kick ass.
First of all, Chuck Norris plays a character named SHATTER and to him murder is as common as ham and fuckin eggs. Holy shit.
His sidekicks name is JACKSON, which is a pretty cool name as we have learned from Samuel L. Jackson, so you might be wondering - is this Jackson black too? Of course he is, silly, his name is Jackson! What kind of early 90's action buddy cop action movie would this be if there wasn't a black character with a stereotypically black name as the sidekick to a white guy with a hard hitting name like Shatter?

With the Crusader army at the bottom and fire all around, this movie cover suggests that Norris goes back in time to fight Evil itself... in HELL!. Since I haven't and will not see the film, I will go on assuming that, even though I know it isn't true. All I know is that when armageddon does come, and it will come soon, I want Chuck Norris there to kick it's ass.

The funniest thing to me is that when we got this movie on DVD it rented fairly well. Guys in the action section who just weren't satisfied with fruity crap like "Fantastic Four" zeroed in on this one because they knew, just like you now know, that this movie has everything anyone could ever ask for - Chuck Norris. Nuff said.

God I wish he came in to rent one of his own movies... Maybe next time, Chuck. From now on we are going to set up a Chuck Norris Tribute section so that in case he ever does come in he will know how much we love him. And also because any video store with any balls really should have a Chuck Norris section.
Now I know where his daughter goes for dance lessons, so it will be safe to say I'll be lurking outside the dance center doors around 8pm every Tuesday and Thursday when class gets out... which I happen to know for no particularly creepy reason...

-Jordan

3 Comments:

  • At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Jess said…

    chuck norris is amazing.

    did you see the thing on SNL? it was kinda lame, but a tribute to young chuck norris.

    well, i hope you spot him!

    ~Jess

     
  • At 1:37 AM, Anonymous Chuck Norris... THE Chuck Norris said…

    Dear Jordan,

    Maybe I'll stop in sometime, and carve through your head with my hand, like a hot knife through vagina... haha that’s a humor joke.
    Keep up the good work, I love the blog, read it every day, and if it's not new, I re-read the last one.
    It's a nice way to end my day, sit down, have a cup of worm fresh enemy blood, and read the blog, especially when I’ve been killing in the name of G-d almighty and the US of A.

    -Fiercely
    Chuck Norris... THE Chuck Norris

    P.S. You keep write’n, I’ll keep fight’n

     
  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    Wow, Mr. The Norris, it's truly an honor to have you read and comment on this blog. You're my hero. Are you orthodox jewish? Is that why you spelled God without the o?

    It'd be an honor to have you do anything to my as if i was a vagina... do with me what you will, sir.

    -Jordan

     

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