Don't cry over... your own stupidity

I just helped this very strange woman who came up to the register admitting that she knew she had late fees.
"Ok." I said, having no idea who she was.
I told her how much her late fees were and she literally started crying.
She stood there tearing up, holding her eyes and sniffling. Then yelled to her son "did you find anything to rent?? lets go!"
So, here she is literally crying in front of me about her very reasonable late fees and meanwhile she's buying 10 videos, 1 video game and renting 3 new releases.
Look, lady. If you're going to cry about your late fees you probably shouldn't be buying 50 dollars worth of stuff in between fits of sobbing. Gimme a breaksville!

While she was paying she actually said "I'm going to pay the change in pennies... I really hate to break a quarter".

Seriously. Who the hell says "I hate to break a quarter"???

Who are these people? Right? I love Seinfeld.

-Jordan

The Bathroom Incident(s)

The disgruntled and embittered employees at The Wave have a general distain for people under the age of 18 years old (well, then again we have a general distain for anyone between the ages of 1 and 100. So, yes we even hate 1 year olds, and we tolerate people over 100 for their sheer ability to stay alive and for their delightful appearances on Jay Leno). Kids just mess the shit out of everything. There are cute kids out there, don't get me wrong, and many that respect their parents who have taught them to treat things, especially those that do not belong to them, with respect. Those kids just don't come to The Wave, that's all.

Like most small businesses, we of course have a bathroom (the amount of Vitamin Water we drink per day would amaze you and all that liquid has to go somewhere over the course of an 8 hour shift) but, like most small businesses, do not necessarily make this bathroom open to the public. There are no set bathroom rules or acts which can gain a customer admittance (though we are developing a system of indulgences... mostly sexual) and this gives the employees full discretion to let their elitism run wild and blindly discriminate against anyone we see fit, regardless of how inward their legs are turned, hands betweens legs doing the "i have to peeeeee!" dance.

The Wave's bathroom is a small room in the back that has the sign "EMPLOYEES ONLY" clearly written on it. It's not even hand-written, so it's more legit than any of the other signs in the store that most customers choose to ignore. The room is used mostly for mid-shift coke snorting and quickies (or "too-quickies", as my girlfriend might say) while the boss is out, but is also sometimes used for answering the calls of nature.

It has become a beloved past-time for us to follow up questions like "where is your bathroom?" with answers like "it's the door with the big sign that says EMPLOYEES ONLY on it". Rarely is this sarcasm ever acknowledged, or at least hardly anyone ever follows that with "well, can my son use it? he's about to piss himself". Rather, it is taken to mean "it's that big welcoming white door in the back, go on in. Don't bother cleaning up after yourself either! and if you want to send your unpotty-trained child in there by himself that's fine too, just make sure not to flush!".

We have an alarming amount of grown adult customers who, I suppose after being raised in a barn (with an employees only bathroom... I guess), feel it's ok to just walk in and out of our private bathroom without asking. Then they don't even shut the door or turn the lights out. Even if I knew full well that I could use a stores bathroom any time I wanted, I would still ask each time if it wasn't a public bathroom. And while I might piss all over the seat, floor, walls and stocked toilet paper rolls because I'm a rock star, I would never leave it without turning off the lights or shutting the door. Who raised these people, coked up rock stars?

It has recently occurred to me that at least one of our customers, who is also notable for holding the "Worst/Rudest/Cheapest/Most-Worthy-Of-A-Good-Punch-In-The-Face Customer Ever", may come in just to use the bathroom, or even weirder, only comes in when he has to use the bathroom. I swear on my balls this man uses our bathroom EVERY single time he comes in. He is so cheap that I wouldn't consider it out of the realm of possibility for him to think he deserves a trip to our private bathroom with each visit to the store, and if he doesn't get it he will feel cheated or unsatisfied so he will go to the bathroom even if he doesn't have to go - just to get his full value of a visit to The Wave. IN FACT, I recently came up with the theory that, knowing this particular customer lives in close proximity to the store and is the cheapest man alive, tells his entire family to go to The Wave to use the bathroom so they can save on their plumbing bill. It really does make sense, if you think about it...

So I could go into all the many mini-stories of strange bathroom use and whatnot (like, if memory serves, Paul having to go help a mentally-challenged person out of the bathroom when she rang the "emergency" buzzer which makes a very loud and jarring sound through out the store when pulled), but I started this blog with one story in mind and that story is all you're going to get (um... except for the ramblings you just read):

The other day this ass-annoying little bitch of a kid comes up to me and asks if he can use the bathroom. I stop and review my experience with him so far that day: He had interrupted me on 2 different occasions while I was clearly speaking with another customer to ask me realllllly dumb and maybe deliberately annoying questions, and he had been standing around without parental supervision, watching "Last Action Hero" play on our TV screens for the last hour or so. Needless to say he was already on my nerves.

So being the kind soul that I am (Kevin would have said NO YOU MAY NOT in a very condescending tone without blinking an eye, as he does to customers of all ages), I said he could but made sure to add "but make sure you flush, turn the lights out and close the door when you're done", something you really wouldn't think would have to be added but is painfully necessary.

The kid is literally in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I thought he had left and I asked my co-worker at the time where that little bitch kid had gone, noticing that he was missing some of the best parts of "Last Action Hero" (really, the whole movie is the best part!). I decided I had to go and embarrass him by banging on the door and yelling "are you alright in there?", though I resisted the urge to yell "what'd ya do, fall in??", an urge that my father still has yet to get control of.

He said "yea I'll be right out!".
At least 5 minutes go by and I start to wonder that maybe he did fall in. That, or he was making a bomb of some sort.
Finally he comes out, leaving the lights on and the door open. I let out a sigh of frustration and go to make sure he didn't poop all over the walls (like many cautionary measures, this comes out of experience).

(let the suspense build)

The bathroom looks normal so I proceed to shut the door, unbuckle my belt and show that toilet how a real man pees into it (kind of a macho thing I do...) when suddenly my eyes are drawn to the toilet seat by the glimmer of the florescent lights shining off STREAMS OF CLEAR GOO SPURTED ON THE SEAT.

WHAT THE HOLY HELL!?!?!, I think. I shiver with disgust and then glance over to the toilet paper which I then find has also been defiled with disgusting gooey finger prints scrunched onto the dangling 6-8 square sheets of toilet paper from the roll. The toilet paper is thick with this unidentified clear goop and is left just hanging there...
I go to the door to open it and feel the same goop all over the handle!! AHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!
If you've seen "The Squid and the Whale" you'll understand where my fear is coming from.

Then I realize that this kid is like, 8 years old. This can't possibly be what it really really really looks like. I'm sort of puzzled but pretty pissed off knowing that whatever this is is still a fucking mess left by that dumb kid who had bothered me for an hour.
So I go out and find him in the same place he was before, standing in front of the TV watching Arnold say hilariously quotable lines.
I look at him like "you know you're gonna get it a whoopin, right?" and he looked back at me like "..yea, I know". It was really weird.
I said to him "what is that mess you left in there??"
and he said "huh? I didn't leave a mess".
I told him "look asshole, there is some kind of goo all over the toilet seat and toilet paper that you left there".
He looked at me wide-eyed and said "oh I’m sorry, that is soap."
"Well HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET SQUIRTED ON TO THE TOILET SEAT!?" I inquired
"I was washing my hands and then I went to flush the toilet and the soap dripped off my hands".
"But it is squirted on the seat, and it's on the door handle and you ruined some of the toilet paper with it", I said.
"I just used a lot of soap, I guess. I was drying my hands on the toilet paper."

Unfortunately the rest of the conversation didn't go like this:
"WELL I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR EXCUSES, BITCH. GO IN THERE AND CLEAN UP YOUR BIZARRE MESS!"
Instead it went like this:
"Well, you left a mess."
"Sorry".

After tasting the goo I decided it was not ejaculate but in fact the slightly less familiar taste of soap.

I am ashamed of myself for not beating that kid within an inch of his soap-squirting life, but I guess I'm not as quick to violence as say... my co-workers. And maybe because it turned me on just a little...

Seriously though, where would that kid get such a strange idea? Did he want it to look like he had just made love to the toilet seat? Was his goal to pull a ridiculously stupid and unrealistic prank to make me think that? I really just don't see the point. Unless maybe he really was dumb enough to get off the toilet BEFORE flushing, squirt half a bottle of soap all over his hands and then go back to flush the toilet while letting copious amounts of soap fall everywhere... and then wipe his hands all over teh toilet paper. The fact is that if he watched over an hour of "Last Action Hero" straight through, he might just be that dumb after all.

-Jordan

P.S. Sorry for the lack of blogs (again). The legnth of this one should give you plenty of reading. I've been pretty busy lately. Once again, subscribe to What The Balls? for more updated blogs when I'm not attending to this one.

By the way, you should already know to click on all the links that I provide on this blog extremely funny pictures I painstakingly research, but if you don't already do it click on the link fo "Arnold". It's great.

The Greatest Motion Picture of All Time

Sure, this is only tenuously connected to the normal goings-on at the Showcase but it does excel in one thing which we absolutely eat up: ridiculousness. To spare. Also, it more-than-slightly resembles Sci-Fi Channel original movies, which we love. (I was just watching one such original, “Minotaur,” last night, in which the monster looked much less like a Minotaur and much more like a leftover puppet from the ill-fated “Tremors” television series. But I digress…) And you can bet your balls we’ll be recommending this puppy to anyone and everyone when it comes out on DVD (undoubtedly in time for Halloween), even if we hate the actual movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…




Jordan's favorite line (obviously): "Enough is enough! I've had it with these snakes!" Sammy, you've done it again.
Jordan's favorite part of the trailer: The whole thing.
This concept is perfect: Snakes. On a plane. What more is there to say? Best Title Ever.

Samuel L. Jackson explains himself.

A parody.

A great blog entry about it.

THAT'S A LOT OF SNAKES!

Finally a holiday I can get behind (or in front of)

Since February 14th is Valentine’s Day, and on that day us men shower our women with gifts, jewels, tiaras, chocolate, sports cars and Faberge eggs, you might wonder when OUR day is. The one were we get treated like the princesses we are. Well, it just so happens that some dudes, acting on the high authority of a little something I like to call “The Internet,” decided to go ahead and make March 14th Steak and BJ Day.

That’s right. Steak and BJ Day. (The guys who came up with this, probably not big into feminism.)

Anyway, there’s an official site with handy links and cards you can print out, with little gems like this:



Charming, right?

And where will I be on Steak and BJ Day? Let’s just say this: NOT CELEBRATING.



Happy Holidays!

D.

www.SteakandBJDay.com

Our first Brokeback Backlash

We recently got our first out-spoken anti-Brokeback customer.

But first, a little background.
There is this guy that comes in who must be at least 300 pounds and 40-something but looks like a morbidly obese child. The only thing that could better complete this picture is if he were licking a big wolly pop. This is probably due to his innocent, cherub-like cheeks and that, oh I don't know, he comes into the store decked out in full Boy Scout uniform all the time.
When I first started working at The Wave he was not only the most bizarre but also the scariest customer because he was really mean to me and he reminded me of a fear I've always had of being molested by Boy Scout leaders and/or enormously fat men. I honestly saw him as a nightmarish pedophile stereotype, and I'm not sure if his decided stance on the "values" of a film like "Brokeback Mountain" do much to ensure this assumption.

So he asked me if "Crash" was good and like a good trouble maker I said "it was OK but it didn't deserve Best Picture. What a rip!".
So he asked me what I thought should win, to which I replied "Munich"... but if not that, "Brokeback Mountain".
That's when he paused, got silent, looked down and said "Oh? yea... I am glad it didn't win, it's not my kind of movie". Ok, no biggie there... yet. So I asked him "well have you seen it?" and then, like most people who speak out against it, of course he said "No, I never will. It conflicts with my moral values".
Then Drew piped in from across the counter with "What values are those? LOVE??".
I giggled a little bit, the 300 pound 40 year old dressed in the boy scout uniform didn't find it funny.
I think he said something like "No, it just isn't what I view as natural and moral".

Thankfully for him he approached the issue in a calm and rational manor and didn't say anything disrespectful, per se, although everything he said was offensive. For this reason, we had no grounds to attack him, even though Drew is constantly looking for good ways to publically ridicule any conservative or fundamentalists.

The point is that this guy didn't have to say anything about it at all. Not only did he not know if we cared what he thought or not (because we don't), but he had no idea if we were gay or, like so many people think, if we are a gay cowboy couple. Drew and I get pretty close and often bump and grind with eachother, even at work.
He had no idea how offensive his statements could have potentially been, but like most conservative religious folk who are outspoken against movies about the human condition which they refuse to see, he just had to open his mouth and put his point out there.

I expect for more of this to pop up when BBM actually comes out on DVD, so stay tuned.

For more on BBM, see What The Balls?

-Jordan

A Saga of the Year 3000...

...Has

MOVED

Enjoy it there.

D.

Where Lazy meets Stupid and they have a big party

Here's an example of not only how LAZY people are, but also how STUPID (a dangerous, but profitable combination):

Someone returned a late DVD in our outside drop slot and put CASH in the DVD case, presumably to pay for the late fee (but you know what they when you ass-u-me, right? So we don't) .

This is a stupid idea for a whole host of obvious reasons, the most obvious being that the Media Wave employees are both severely underpaid and immoral by nature and would take that money without thinking twice, leaving the customer with no proof of ever having paid. We are very much like mail men in that regard, among others ("going postal" might soon change to "pulling a Media Wave"), which is why there is a well known suggestion by the Postal Service to NOT send cash through the mail... The U.S. Postal Service has a similar warning.

But even on the off chance that Paul, our moral shepard, collected this particular return (Here's where the STUPID part conflicts so much with the LAZY), these people included 2 dollars more than was necessary for their late fee!

If you are that negligent with your money you deserve to lose it. You know what they say: A dumb yuppie fuck and his unearned gold are easily departed through no fault of their own oblivious stupidity. It's an old proverb, or so I'm told.


Epilogue:
You might be asking yourself, "So what did they do with the cash!?!". Good question. Since blow jobs run at least 5 dollars on any given back alley in Fairfield, and lunch costs at least 6, I decided against my better judgement to add it as credit to their account. However! This may seem too lenient for the crime of stupidity, but they're not getting off scott free. I left a note instructing that whoever checks them out next administers a quick and painful smack to the head of whoever this person is and to suggest that they avoid having children.

After Thought:
Then again, at least they willingly paid their late fee, which is far more credit than I can give most people. In a very twisted way this suggests some sense of responsibility - and hey, maybe the extra cash was a tip!
In that case, scratch what I said before. All is forgiven! Tomorrow morning I'm taking the credit off their account and pocketing the cash becuase, after all, it's what they would have wanted.


-Jordan

P.S. My deepest apologies for the lull in posting. Any reader of this blog is, by definition, out of all other ideas of better things to do and hanging on to their santiy by a thread, so stay with me folks! more blogs on the way.

Born Late

This morning, this dude comes in all hurriedly and drops a DVD in the return slot, saying, simply:

"I was born late."

Then he dashed out of the store. (For those of you that are retarded and/or vote Republican: his movie was late.)

Isn't it funny that he stopped in, instead of driving through, so that someone else in this world could hear his witty little quip?

Afterwards I shook my head, went back to work, and thought nothing of it... Until a Google search informed me that former teen heartthrob and current showrunner of "Invasion" Shaun Cassidy once had an album called "Born Late." And what a fucking album it was.

The first 15 of our unlimited minutes of fame

If you're reading this blog you've probably said to yourself, "these guys should have their own T.V. show", and you may or may not have added "...in the nude" to that thought, depending on how well you know us.
On the other hand, if you're reading this blog you're probably not a high-powered, hard-hitting local news reporter celebrity, so your opinion doesn't amount to much more than a hill of balls in this town.

Media Wave made the news the other day and this time it wasn't for domestic violence but rather for Dizturbing Tha Peaze. Well, at least that's what I remember the news story being called in my head before it aired. If not, that will be the name of the first album by The Media Wave Playaz, an all improvised a cappella group from the streetz.

Here's the story:

Yesterday morning Drew and I were just stone cold chizillaxin, just gettin our work on, when fate stepped through the door. After fate walked through, a news crew came in after. I had just gone to take a wiz and when I walked out of the bathroom, still adjusting my junk for proper post-wiz enjoyment, I saw some dude with a big video camera. I thought maybe "Cops" had finally done the episode on Media Wave that I keep requesting them to do, but it turns out it was News Channel 12 disrupting our business and interviewing our very knowledgable, "In Her Shoes"-rentin' customers about what their Oscar predictions are.

I tried sneaking by without getting noticed, but since I've chosen to have an appearance that prevents blending in anywhere, without or without orange/brown camouflage, I got caught out and forced to be on camera. A serendipitous event it was!

I was interviewed about why "Munich" should win but won't, and most importantly about why my employee picks are "Hollywood Shuffle", "Heathers" and the legendary classic "Teen Witch"(scroll down). This is the beginning of an already hip "Teen Witch" movement that will be next on the looong list of movements that started at The Showcase of Depravity.
Drew got interviewed for a while because he's obviously smarter than I am, and because he was dressed like a dock worker at the time (Dock workers tend to wear Lacost hats).


Eventually the interview naturally turned to flirting and we got her to offer us a slot on News 12 as pop culture anchors. After she pretty much said we were the coolest dudes in town and should have our own show we informed her that she should have already been aware of our hugely successful radio show "BROOKLYN WE BACK" and she said she'd love to do a story about it. Her only concern was that our level of sexiness was around an 11 when the stations clear policy is that sexiness must be kept to a 7 or less, and that ultimately the people couldn't handle our long hard truth.

What ended up on the actual news was the best 1 1/2 minutes of news that Connecticut has ever seen - they got knocked on their asses. When Media Wave gets interviewed on camera we bring da noize AND da funk, hardstyle. Drew got most of the on-air camera time because he's a diva - they actually filmed and aired him doing work while talking on his cell phone! What a little bitch girl, huh? Paul won't be happy about that.

By far the most clever part of the interview is when the reporter asked everyone the classic red carpet question, "So, Who are you wearing?". Delightful.
Drew got all the laughs by explaining that he stole his shirt from our friend Charles, but she cut both of our good lines off from the final on-air product. Luckily I was wearing a super sexy blazer on this particular day, a blazer which Drew had previously made fun of me for wearing but which made all the chicks watching Channel 12 5 O'clock News cream their pants.

They filmed our employee picks section, doing an extreme close up on my "Jordan's Boughetto Picks" sign (also see: "Boughetto" in the middle). It was amazing. Finally both "Teen Witch" and the word "boughetto" get the attention they deserve in the conservative media, which is decidely not boughetto. My only regret is that "Teen Wolf", my true favorite (not just of films with "teen" in the title or of films with "wolf" in the title, but of all films), didn't get represented and neither did "Trapped In The Closet", this generation's "The Godfather". But that's why it's called" show business" and not "show friends", if you know what I mean... I don't.

Funny side note - one of the customers they interviewed had left after she was done renting her movies and came back at least 10 minutes later because she suddenly remembered some story relating to her personal experience with the Oscars and she came back hoping the news crew was still there just so she could tell her story on camera. When she came back I asked her if she needed help and she pretty much ignored me then nodded in the direction of the camera as if to tell me "Uh, no, I'm with the camera crew, thank you". I wouldn't be surprised if she purposely left so she could go put more make-up on or even change her shirt into something nicer. None of her Oscar story made it on the air.

Message to The Man: BROOKLYN WE BACK are now kings of all media, there ain't no stoppin us now.

So next time you come into Media Wave you better recognize that you're dealing with celebrities who are better than you, not just video store clerks who are better than you.


-Signing out, I'm Jordan Chesnutt from Channel 12 News saying "Connecticut, Go on wit ya damn self"

(Chesnutt is my assumed news anchor name)

i'm a lazy bitch

I just wanted to post something, since I've had a few complaints about the lack of updates. I apologize, you whiney bitches. Some people complain about too many posts, others complain when there aren't enough. Take your complaints and shove them where the sun does not shine. Here at The Showcase we only accept glowing praise and adoration.
Admittedly, this is maybe the longest I've gone without posting something new to The Showcase. In fact I've already screwed up the "Chuck Norris Movie of the Week" by not posting one each week so far... fuck.
So I'd like to say in the most sarcastic and nasal tone possible, Soorrryyy! I've been trying to, ya know, do something productive with myself, or something. Unfortunately I have accomplished nothing, and since I haven't been posting I've actually accomplished less than nothing.

If you're really starving for something, please let me direct your attention to the What The Balls? blog on my myspace account (I know, myspace is so gay). I update that pretty regularly since I put considerably less effort into most of those posts, but that's not to belittle their quality because they are CHOICE.

You can look forward to a bunch of new posts coming up, and maybe even an Oscar's predictions or reactions post, especially because this is, after all, the Showcase of Brokebackery (at least until the joke gets so old it dies and then gets resurrected and attacks us for our brains and then we blow its head off with a shotgun and bury it again, and kick it a few times like it was a dead horse), but considering that I have midterms next week, I'm not so sure... No promises.

Choke on that you Media Wave-hungry dogs!

-Jordan