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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Bathroom Incident(s)

The disgruntled and embittered employees at The Wave have a general distain for people under the age of 18 years old (well, then again we have a general distain for anyone between the ages of 1 and 100. So, yes we even hate 1 year olds, and we tolerate people over 100 for their sheer ability to stay alive and for their delightful appearances on Jay Leno). Kids just mess the shit out of everything. There are cute kids out there, don't get me wrong, and many that respect their parents who have taught them to treat things, especially those that do not belong to them, with respect. Those kids just don't come to The Wave, that's all.

Like most small businesses, we of course have a bathroom (the amount of Vitamin Water we drink per day would amaze you and all that liquid has to go somewhere over the course of an 8 hour shift) but, like most small businesses, do not necessarily make this bathroom open to the public. There are no set bathroom rules or acts which can gain a customer admittance (though we are developing a system of indulgences... mostly sexual) and this gives the employees full discretion to let their elitism run wild and blindly discriminate against anyone we see fit, regardless of how inward their legs are turned, hands betweens legs doing the "i have to peeeeee!" dance.

The Wave's bathroom is a small room in the back that has the sign "EMPLOYEES ONLY" clearly written on it. It's not even hand-written, so it's more legit than any of the other signs in the store that most customers choose to ignore. The room is used mostly for mid-shift coke snorting and quickies (or "too-quickies", as my girlfriend might say) while the boss is out, but is also sometimes used for answering the calls of nature.

It has become a beloved past-time for us to follow up questions like "where is your bathroom?" with answers like "it's the door with the big sign that says EMPLOYEES ONLY on it". Rarely is this sarcasm ever acknowledged, or at least hardly anyone ever follows that with "well, can my son use it? he's about to piss himself". Rather, it is taken to mean "it's that big welcoming white door in the back, go on in. Don't bother cleaning up after yourself either! and if you want to send your unpotty-trained child in there by himself that's fine too, just make sure not to flush!".

We have an alarming amount of grown adult customers who, I suppose after being raised in a barn (with an employees only bathroom... I guess), feel it's ok to just walk in and out of our private bathroom without asking. Then they don't even shut the door or turn the lights out. Even if I knew full well that I could use a stores bathroom any time I wanted, I would still ask each time if it wasn't a public bathroom. And while I might piss all over the seat, floor, walls and stocked toilet paper rolls because I'm a rock star, I would never leave it without turning off the lights or shutting the door. Who raised these people, coked up rock stars?

It has recently occurred to me that at least one of our customers, who is also notable for holding the "Worst/Rudest/Cheapest/Most-Worthy-Of-A-Good-Punch-In-The-Face Customer Ever", may come in just to use the bathroom, or even weirder, only comes in when he has to use the bathroom. I swear on my balls this man uses our bathroom EVERY single time he comes in. He is so cheap that I wouldn't consider it out of the realm of possibility for him to think he deserves a trip to our private bathroom with each visit to the store, and if he doesn't get it he will feel cheated or unsatisfied so he will go to the bathroom even if he doesn't have to go - just to get his full value of a visit to The Wave. IN FACT, I recently came up with the theory that, knowing this particular customer lives in close proximity to the store and is the cheapest man alive, tells his entire family to go to The Wave to use the bathroom so they can save on their plumbing bill. It really does make sense, if you think about it...

So I could go into all the many mini-stories of strange bathroom use and whatnot (like, if memory serves, Paul having to go help a mentally-challenged person out of the bathroom when she rang the "emergency" buzzer which makes a very loud and jarring sound through out the store when pulled), but I started this blog with one story in mind and that story is all you're going to get (um... except for the ramblings you just read):

The other day this ass-annoying little bitch of a kid comes up to me and asks if he can use the bathroom. I stop and review my experience with him so far that day: He had interrupted me on 2 different occasions while I was clearly speaking with another customer to ask me realllllly dumb and maybe deliberately annoying questions, and he had been standing around without parental supervision, watching "Last Action Hero" play on our TV screens for the last hour or so. Needless to say he was already on my nerves.

So being the kind soul that I am (Kevin would have said NO YOU MAY NOT in a very condescending tone without blinking an eye, as he does to customers of all ages), I said he could but made sure to add "but make sure you flush, turn the lights out and close the door when you're done", something you really wouldn't think would have to be added but is painfully necessary.

The kid is literally in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I thought he had left and I asked my co-worker at the time where that little bitch kid had gone, noticing that he was missing some of the best parts of "Last Action Hero" (really, the whole movie is the best part!). I decided I had to go and embarrass him by banging on the door and yelling "are you alright in there?", though I resisted the urge to yell "what'd ya do, fall in??", an urge that my father still has yet to get control of.

He said "yea I'll be right out!".
At least 5 minutes go by and I start to wonder that maybe he did fall in. That, or he was making a bomb of some sort.
Finally he comes out, leaving the lights on and the door open. I let out a sigh of frustration and go to make sure he didn't poop all over the walls (like many cautionary measures, this comes out of experience).

(let the suspense build)

The bathroom looks normal so I proceed to shut the door, unbuckle my belt and show that toilet how a real man pees into it (kind of a macho thing I do...) when suddenly my eyes are drawn to the toilet seat by the glimmer of the florescent lights shining off STREAMS OF CLEAR GOO SPURTED ON THE SEAT.

WHAT THE HOLY HELL!?!?!, I think. I shiver with disgust and then glance over to the toilet paper which I then find has also been defiled with disgusting gooey finger prints scrunched onto the dangling 6-8 square sheets of toilet paper from the roll. The toilet paper is thick with this unidentified clear goop and is left just hanging there...
I go to the door to open it and feel the same goop all over the handle!! AHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!
If you've seen "The Squid and the Whale" you'll understand where my fear is coming from.

Then I realize that this kid is like, 8 years old. This can't possibly be what it really really really looks like. I'm sort of puzzled but pretty pissed off knowing that whatever this is is still a fucking mess left by that dumb kid who had bothered me for an hour.
So I go out and find him in the same place he was before, standing in front of the TV watching Arnold say hilariously quotable lines.
I look at him like "you know you're gonna get it a whoopin, right?" and he looked back at me like "..yea, I know". It was really weird.
I said to him "what is that mess you left in there??"
and he said "huh? I didn't leave a mess".
I told him "look asshole, there is some kind of goo all over the toilet seat and toilet paper that you left there".
He looked at me wide-eyed and said "oh I’m sorry, that is soap."
"I was washing my hands and then I went to flush the toilet and the soap dripped off my hands".
"But it is squirted on the seat, and it's on the door handle and you ruined some of the toilet paper with it", I said.
"I just used a lot of soap, I guess. I was drying my hands on the toilet paper."

Unfortunately the rest of the conversation didn't go like this:
Instead it went like this:
"Well, you left a mess."

After tasting the goo I decided it was not ejaculate but in fact the slightly less familiar taste of soap.

I am ashamed of myself for not beating that kid within an inch of his soap-squirting life, but I guess I'm not as quick to violence as say... my co-workers. And maybe because it turned me on just a little...

Seriously though, where would that kid get such a strange idea? Did he want it to look like he had just made love to the toilet seat? Was his goal to pull a ridiculously stupid and unrealistic prank to make me think that? I really just don't see the point. Unless maybe he really was dumb enough to get off the toilet BEFORE flushing, squirt half a bottle of soap all over his hands and then go back to flush the toilet while letting copious amounts of soap fall everywhere... and then wipe his hands all over teh toilet paper. The fact is that if he watched over an hour of "Last Action Hero" straight through, he might just be that dumb after all.


P.S. Sorry for the lack of blogs (again). The legnth of this one should give you plenty of reading. I've been pretty busy lately. Once again, subscribe to What The Balls? for more updated blogs when I'm not attending to this one.

By the way, you should already know to click on all the links that I provide on this blog extremely funny pictures I painstakingly research, but if you don't already do it click on the link fo "Arnold". It's great.


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