Overheard at The Wave

"I'm getting 'The Ice Storm'.... I dunno, it's a movie. OK, like, they take some ice and a storm and put them together. It's supposed to be really depressing, I wanna get it."

-Jordan The Overhearer

We Do, Actually

This old, round giant of a man who comes up to the counter and makes us pick out the movies he wants to rent from a list and/or collection of index cards he carries in his front pocket came into day (whew, that’s a description). He’s so weird that we aren’t entirely sure if he’s got some kind of mental issues (not unlike the ones that prevent Jordan from proofreading) or if he’s just some wacky old guy. Either way, he’s pretty innocuous, and let’s us in on his thoughts about “Snakes on a Plane” (he wishes there was more of the huge snake and wants us to keep him updated if there are any further “Anaconda” films) and our service record (he calls me Mr. Hospitality, with good reason, and rates Paul as a D+).

Anyway, today he took the proverbial cake by asking me this:

“Do you have a dirty old man section?”

I kind of had to say ‘yes.’ I then awkwardly chauffeured him over to the “Mature” section, which is mostly comprised of titles in the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ series and a few miscellaneous other soft-core titles (some with hilarious names like “Playmate of the Apes”).

He made his selections and I checked him out.

I vowed that I’d never speak of it again. Until now, several hours later. Time heals.

Never forget.

-Drew

Q: When is a Hitler moustache OK?

A: When a black guy is wearing it.

Then it's only offensive because it's ugly.

So let's add that to the long list of things black people can do that white people can't because they'll seem racist. Also on that list: shaving your head bald, and referring to African tribesman who throw spears and field workers responsible for cotton gathering by other shorter, more convenient names.

Today I noticed one of our many, many black customers (we have all the seasons of Sanford & Son, so, you know...) wearing an unusual and tragically underappreciated style of moustache: The Toothbrush, otherwise known as The Hitler.

For those readers that did not graduate elementary school (the statistics tell me that's 78% of you), Adolf Hitler is sometimes known as the man responsible for the attempted elimination of an entire race of people.

However, he is more often known for the unintentional but severely permanent bastardization of the first name Adolf, the last name Hitler, and the one time alluring moustache style also worn by men of great repute like Islamic intellectual Sayyid Qutb (pictured to the left), homeless comedian Charlie Chaplin, and most recently, Michael Vale, or Fred the Baker to the public.




Granted, Fred the Baker came after Hitler had ruined the stache for the rest of us, but his pioneering revitalized version was more flared out, and in contrast with his inspiring chubby cheeks and cute-old-man smile, we knew that Fred would sooner supply you with a dozen assorted donuts, a large coffee and a smile than exterminate your race (and I think that's one of the reasons we loved him).

I'm not so sure even Fred could get away with that kind of fashion statement these days. Until today I couldn't imagine a situation in which the sporting of The Hitler would not inspire cringing and disapproving evil-eye stares.

And then I saw him. He was standing proud and entirely pro-Semitic with what I'll call his "Upper Lip Soul Patch", confident that because he is black, his personal grooming choice was not in any way reminiscent of the worlds most infamous mustachioed dictator (although, it seems trendy for almost every single infamous dictator known to history to have a moustache, so maybe it's fitting for the most infamous to make the most indelible mark on the moustache world).

Other great things ruined by Hitler: the very sharp looking red arm band, the Hindu swastika symbol for well-being, the good name of white supremacy, and the lives of the Jews. What a dick.

Apparently Apple is taking a cue from our black customer in reclaiming something made taboo by Hitler by designing a red arm band iPod holder. My fear is that while not being offensive on its own, it will most likely attract neo-Nazis to the iPod family, and that's not cool.




-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania hits the customers...

including the customers who are too old to be wearing a Snakes On A Plane T-shirt. You can't tell from the picture, but this guy looks like he's in his 50s (late 40's, to be generous). I'm not sure if I give him a lot of credit for keeping up with pop culture trends (especially those that are more or less contained on the internet, which is usually a humiliating and terrifying zone for people over 50), or if this guy wearing this SOAP shirt makes that shirt totally square and uncool now.

Either way, all the cool guys know that THIS is the coolest SOAP shirt out there.

Keep up the enthusiasm, customers!

-Jordan

SOAMFP Mania sets in at The Wave

Because we are stand-up citizens and masters of our race, the employees of Media Wave have been awarded, among many other prestegious honors, VIP status at the local movie theaters. This status comes in very handy when a certain mania about a certain motion picture event involving a certain kind of aviation machine and a certain slitering biblical creature.

In other words, us mothafuckas get to see SNAKES ON A MOTHAFUCKIN' PLANE a little earlier than the rest of yall suckas (and for free... however, we all decided to donate $9.50 each in support of the film because we knew it'd be worth every dime).

Since our Super-Important Awesome-Dude VIP screening is scheduled for 10pm tonight and Media Wave officially closes at 11pm, Drew was handy enough to come up with this amazing sign to alert the public.



We trust customers will understand. And if they don't then they can kiss our schlock-lovin asses!

-Jordan

p.s. this will surely become a t-shirt (Adam, I'm looking at you, electronically looking) and it will be available for purchase for fans along with other Showcase/Wave merch like the Lil' Jordan Tribute Can.

p.p.s. Snakes aren't dangerous for their venom, they're dangerous for their poop. Excerpt from a CNN article:

"It's the poop," Jules Sylvester, head animal trainer for the new Hollywood movie "Snakes on a Plane" said Monday at a news conference to publicize the film.

"They will poop everywhere," he added.

you read it here first, folks! (because I assume no one who reads this blog also reads CNN...)

We have clever customers

One of our customers answering machine messages says
"leave your name, your number and your measurements and I'll get back to you"

So I said "this is Jordan from Media Wave, the number is 255-8643, I'm about 9 1/2 long, 3 1/2 thick. hit me up, sexy"


No, I didn't... but I should have.

Customer Comment of the Day

Maybe the best response to the question "would you like me to include the bonus feature disc?":

"The what? uh, what is that, like, you play that? Or... what? Like it's another one of them discs you just put in... and it plays?"

my response: "Yes, it is also a disc you play"

his response: "oooh really? Hmm... then yes, if its another disc"

Ridin' Dirty

You know what's more annoying than hearing dumb punk bitches blasting bass-heavy crunk rap with the volume turned all the way up and the windows in his souped up 1993 Honda Civic rolled down?

A preppy American Eagle-dressed punk bitch blasting string-heavy classical music with the volume turned all the way up and the windows in his 2005 Volkswagon Bug rolled down... while parked outside the store so that everyone in the downtown area can know what a douche bag he is.

That's what I call ridin' dirty. I'd love to see a black cop pull that guy over for suspiciously calling attention to his own racial stereotype. Now wouldn't that be ironic.

-Jordan

Kids These Days

Excerpt from a conversation I had with a cantankerous old woman:

"Kids are so bombarded with things on screens these days. From televisions to video games, it's too much." [I was in complete agreement with her until she continued in a very morbid and masocistic line of thinking]
"These days kids aren't exposed to the pain of boredom and loneliness that people in my generation faced."

I was afraid that if I didn't cut our conversation off soon she would start telling me about the tv-less, friendless, sunlight-depraved childhood she forced on her poor son.

"He's an A student", she claimed.

Yea, we all know what those kids are like.

Bottom line: Books are for squares, and apparently for disturbed loners.

-Jordan

Gourmet Nuts for sale

We just got a candy machine that dispenses Gourmet Nuts.


I got your gourmet nuts right here!







-Jordan

That half-dingo ate my baby!

This wacky guy who resembled Will Farrell's Harry Carey came in the store with an odd looking creature that appeared to be some kind of a dog.
When we asked him about it he told us it is half dog, half dingo.


After we got over laughing about that the owner said
"He was bred to be kicked in the head by cattle", which we agreed was the best possible description for anything ever.

Interestingly, that's also what Adam's mom said about him. HA HA! Zing!

-Jordan

Blame your kids, it makes you feel better

Parents blame their kids for a lot of troubles and shortcomings in their own lives. For instance: their unplanned birth forced the parents to give up their careers which, given the opportunity for nurturing and development, would have grown into something fabulous and endlessly rewarding; whereas the same nurturing and development now given instead to the child only results in a constantly disappointing and financially draining reminder of what could have been.

Understandably, in a situation like this the child is responsible and should be held accountable.
However, there are other situations that children have no control over and cannot be expected to, like driving the car to a movie rental store across town to return DVDs that are accruing major late fees on their parents credit card with every day that passes.

It amazes me how many parents will turn to their young ones after being told of a late fee and say to them condescendingly, “The movies were late again. Whose job is it to return them?”
To which the children rightly reply, “Yours?”

In this situation, the kids use an airtight defense. “But I can’t drive! How can I return them when you’re at work and I can’t drive?”. The logic is sound and irrefutable. This is why we tell the parents what the due dates are and not the children, because we’ve learned, as these parents will come to learn and accept, that children are dumb and only care about themselves (much like their parents).

Until we pass Proposition 254, the proposition to change the legal driving age to 7 (which I ambitiously submitted to the state at age 6), kids can’t drive cars. If they could, they would rule over the night like their teenage counterparts do, but they can't. If they can’t drive cars, and they’re anywhere in the range of ages 4-14, they have no business returning movies. They think about ice cream and fire trucks and ponies and queer shit like that (or in the case of 14 year olds, drugs and sex), not rental due dates.
Just the other day I saw a little girl talking to herself about how much she loves Winnie The Pooh. She even made up a song about it, and it was quite good. I had that shit in my head all day. One thing I know is that this little girl will never make up a song about when her DVD rentals are due back.

Many times parents will reprimand their kids even when it is the parents’ movie that is late. And the parents dispute the most insignificant late charges too.

The other day I helped a guy who had a $2 late fee and instead of settling his bill and then talking to his children about their issues with being responsible on the ride home, he starts questioning his 8 year olds about why they insist on continually returning things late. Can you even imagine the thought process that goes on to assume that an 8 year old insists on doing anything, let alone insisting on not remembering when the family's DVDs are due back? My question is why he insists on playing the blame game, cause that game is no fun. Then, with a straight face, he actually said to his son, "Two dollars!? We won't be able to afford the boat if you keep screwing up like this."

That's right parents, blame your kids. They're going to blame you for their lives in the long run, so you might as well be one step ahead.

Oh, Fairfield County, if only you were aware of how ridiculous you are.

-Jordan