Blame your kids, it makes you feel better

Parents blame their kids for a lot of troubles and shortcomings in their own lives. For instance: their unplanned birth forced the parents to give up their careers which, given the opportunity for nurturing and development, would have grown into something fabulous and endlessly rewarding; whereas the same nurturing and development now given instead to the child only results in a constantly disappointing and financially draining reminder of what could have been.

Understandably, in a situation like this the child is responsible and should be held accountable.
However, there are other situations that children have no control over and cannot be expected to, like driving the car to a movie rental store across town to return DVDs that are accruing major late fees on their parents credit card with every day that passes.

It amazes me how many parents will turn to their young ones after being told of a late fee and say to them condescendingly, “The movies were late again. Whose job is it to return them?”
To which the children rightly reply, “Yours?”

In this situation, the kids use an airtight defense. “But I can’t drive! How can I return them when you’re at work and I can’t drive?”. The logic is sound and irrefutable. This is why we tell the parents what the due dates are and not the children, because we’ve learned, as these parents will come to learn and accept, that children are dumb and only care about themselves (much like their parents).

Until we pass Proposition 254, the proposition to change the legal driving age to 7 (which I ambitiously submitted to the state at age 6), kids can’t drive cars. If they could, they would rule over the night like their teenage counterparts do, but they can't. If they can’t drive cars, and they’re anywhere in the range of ages 4-14, they have no business returning movies. They think about ice cream and fire trucks and ponies and queer shit like that (or in the case of 14 year olds, drugs and sex), not rental due dates.
Just the other day I saw a little girl talking to herself about how much she loves Winnie The Pooh. She even made up a song about it, and it was quite good. I had that shit in my head all day. One thing I know is that this little girl will never make up a song about when her DVD rentals are due back.

Many times parents will reprimand their kids even when it is the parents’ movie that is late. And the parents dispute the most insignificant late charges too.

The other day I helped a guy who had a $2 late fee and instead of settling his bill and then talking to his children about their issues with being responsible on the ride home, he starts questioning his 8 year olds about why they insist on continually returning things late. Can you even imagine the thought process that goes on to assume that an 8 year old insists on doing anything, let alone insisting on not remembering when the family's DVDs are due back? My question is why he insists on playing the blame game, cause that game is no fun. Then, with a straight face, he actually said to his son, "Two dollars!? We won't be able to afford the boat if you keep screwing up like this."

That's right parents, blame your kids. They're going to blame you for their lives in the long run, so you might as well be one step ahead.

Oh, Fairfield County, if only you were aware of how ridiculous you are.

-Jordan