The Cowboy Gay

This is a story that’s been milling around in my brain for a few weeks, collecting steam and sometimes bumping into those impure thoughts of my fifth grade teacher at St. Luke’s Episcopal School in San Antonio, Texas, Mrs. Gaines. But Jordan’s been needling me to post again, and to post in regards to this specific story. It goes a little something, a-like thiiiiiiiiiiiiis…

So, I’m working at the video store. It’s a Saturday night and, oddly enough, I’m sober. As I’m helping another customer, who happens to be a courtly Texan (and bleeding heart liberal) named Leatherwood, this guy walks in. And not just any old guy. No, sir, folks, this was different. This (dramatic pause) was a cowboy. It was a cowboy so bizarre looking and unique that Leatherwood, who has presumably seen and or fought countless cowboys while living in Texas, was taken aback and gave me the funny “check out this guy behind me” eyes. Those eyes actually could have stood for the “holy shit” eyes, but I often get those two confused.

A quick rundown of what this particular cowboy was wearing: A wife beater. Torn jeans. Some kind of Batman-style harness, which included industrial knee-pads. The baddest motherfuckin cowboy hat you ever saw in your life.

By the grace of Allah, the cowboy saddles up to my cash register. He’s buying a bunch of used DVDs and he asks me about “Sin City,” and I tell him that it’s got Bruce Willis. That’s when he starts talking about how he’s “a cowboy” and specifically buys movies with cowboys or cowboy-like people, because it appeals to him, as a cowboy. It’s roughly akin to a pirate coming into the video store with a parrot on his shoulder, and telling me that he prefers movies with peg-legged people.

Then I tried to get him to sign up for a membership, which would ensure him coming back to the video store again and again and prompting more blog entries (of course).

To really get a good picture of the scenario, here’s this pumped-up, six foot tall cowboy, who’s exuding scary masculinity, standing right next to me, a 120 pound weakling in my tiny “Edward Scissorhands” T-shirt and tight-ass Diesel jeans.

In two words, the whole experience was: fucking bizarre.

Later I saw him at Firehouse Deli, dressed exactly the same way, enjoying a sandwich. Maybe it was tuna, but I really have no idea what cowboys eat, except maybe big, hulking steaks. He was very affable, probably because I didn’t go with my gut instinct and ask him where he parked his horse.

And that’s the way it is.

Xoxo

Drew.

A note from Jordan (Or: Jordan's clouded, extra violent account of The Cowboy): This was the single most inspiring experience that has ever happened at Media Wave. This is a man's man. The marlboro man. This guy would seriously have had a bloody fist fight with anyone who looked at him funny, and probably had just gotten finished doing that in the back parking lot. I don't understand why he had knee pads or arms bands on, but I don't have to because I'm not a cowboy.

I described this man as "Blade: The Cowboy" (or variations of that) because he looks like a superhero cowboy, but not some kind of bitch superhero who helps the cops, but the kind with a big chip on his shoulder who finds street justice and rips the heads off criminals. Fuck tying them up and handing them over to the pigs so they can go to jail, Cowboy Blade lassos him, breaks his legs and then tramples on him with his horse (which may or may not breath fire, we're not sure). Before the criminals last breath, Cowboy Blade spits tabackee in his face like a spitoon and then without flinching cuts his throat with the spur on his boot heel.

I can only hope that in any normal circumstance there would be some kind of holster attatched to the back of his black suspenders which would carry either 2 huge bad ass guns or two samurai cowboy swords. But since he was raised with manners in the south, he has the sense to respect our general (but often broken) "no weapons" rule for coming into Media Wave. And I can only assume that the edge of his cowboy hat is as sharp as a knife and from time to time he'll use it to take your head off from a mile away.

The only thing missing on his outfit was actual spurs. Again, I assume he took them off as to not scare civilians. I can totally understand that. Other than this minor flaw, this man is my hero in almost every regard. I just hope that he keeps coming back for cowboy related films, because I plan on making it my mission to compile the most definitive cowboy/cowboy-like movies ever. And I would also love to see him kick Drew's scrawny yankee ass.

Get Back! You Don't Know Me Like That!

It's been a long time since the last real post...
and today is no exception!
But while I (we) get my (our) shit together I thought I'd share a funny little exchange I had regarding the (in)famous Forget expose post (if you haven't read it and sent it to a friend, please do so now. The traffic of this blog is riding on it).
So as you may have read, the inspiration/information of my former Health teacher/football coach's profile on Match.com came serendipitously through my tendency to listen to conversations people have at the Media Wave check out counter. I was respectfully evesdropping on a conversation between a high school senior and his friend talking about said hilarious Match.com profile while I was checking out their videos to them. I couldn't help but ask about it, and he went on to tell me that the coach had listed his calves as his best attribute (overall, I can't say I disagree) and thus magic was born.
Anyway, the kid who I overheard telling this story was the son of the owner of a local market where I frequently get delish chicken cutlet sandwiches. After writing the Forget post I went back to this market to get one of these sandwiches and as luck would have it I saw the kid who originally told me about the Match.com profile. Thinking it would be the perfect oppertunity to tell him what had come of our conversation about Forget, I stopped him. I didn't know his name so I just kind of refered to him as I do most people I don't know well, with a grunt or a nod or a "hey what's.. good, you? " and said "hey I looked up Forget on Match.com"
and he said "oh yea? and?"
"I found his profile", I said. "It was so funny!"
"um, ... yea.... " he said.
"...uh huh" I said awkwardly, not knowing what his lack of interest in talking to me was all about..
"why, what was funny?" he said in a kind of abbrassive, rude way as if to question the humor of the whole thing at all
"Actually, i kind of have this little website about Media Wave and stuff and I wrote something about it on there if you wanna check it out"
"Uh, ok.. yea sure." he begrudgingly conceded. The whole time he had been looking at me funny and giving me a weird vibe, but I let it go thinking maybe he was just kind of a dick anyway.

I start walking to my car wondering what the nuts was up with this kids attitude. I mean, he was the one who told me about the profile in the first place. Not only that, but he had a noticable enthusiasm about it and obviously understood exactly what was so funny about a high school football coach being on match.com and furthermore the idea that he put his calves as his best feature so unimaginabley funny!
Then I realized...
That wasn't the same kid who told me about it at Media Wave at all! Combining my horrifically spotty and unreliable memory with the fact that all jock-looking, Dave Matthews Band-loving preppy kids look the same to me (See: UCONN Student Body) and then adding to that the fact that this similar looking kid happened to be walking into what I thought was his parents business... well, I just went out on a limb and assumed it was the same kid.
This means that during the whole conversation we had he didn't have the slightest idea of what I was talking about or who I was or why I randomly stopped him on the street to give him my website address. From his attitude, he probably doesn't even know who Mr. Forget is. He literally just humored me for an entire conversation, pretending that we had some kind of connection about this match.com profile.
What a weird thing to do! I mean.. who does that? Ok, I've done it before... but only because I happen to be a twin and in this small town everyone thinks I am my brother (likewise with him) so they approach me as if we are friends and I either tell them to F off or humor them so I can get out of it as quickly and as free from extremely awkwardness as possible. It doesn't always work that way, but I certainly don't entertain them, nay, LIE to them for a good 2 or 3 minutes of conversation about a specific topic.

I wonder if that kid ever went to this blog and read it... or if he just told his friends about some weirdo who hitting on him. I'll never know.

-Jordan, man do I love awkwardness

Hey if you're suffering post-coital/post-blog boredom with nothing to read, go to myspace.com (sign up if you aren't already) and join the Media Wave(.blogspot.com) group. While you're at it, and if you have a beard or plan on growing one, check out my Brotherhood Of Beards group.

Awwww

As someone who is constantly forced to recognize websites that are better than this one, from time to time I offer the public a chance to view something that's not Media Wave related.
Now is one of those times.
In the absense of posts in the last week or two, I feel yall deserve to smile by some means, if not by the Media Wave crew then by kitties

thats right.
http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

stuff on my cat. dot com.
brilliant in its simplicity, and its kittiness. check it out

-jordan

Correction: BROOKLYN IS BACK for 1 night only!

Thanks to the inability of my radio management to communicate with eachother and give me any right information (if any info at all), BROOKLYN WE BACK now has an unexpected chance at going out with a bang. We intend to do that by inviting anyone who wants to come to the studio and banging them over the air.
So the REAL final show of BROOKLYN WE BACK will actually take place this coming tuesday (the 20th), regular time (8-10pm), and this time Drew might actually be there. Many guests are expected, including:
The Littlest Senator, Jeff "Party Ghost" Holmberg of Media Wave fame, famous underground DJ and artist Doug "I Know Amy Sedaris" Hovey, Grant the famous Ben Stiller Look-alike, Mike "Tony" Consigliani, Brendan "Jordan" Clifford, famous girl group Huckapoo, Beetlejuice, Danny Bonaduce and many other famous personalities.

This is seriously your LAST CHANCE to see if you can handle our truth. Seriously.
There's going to be so much truth on this show that it might even turn into lies. That so meta...
Please, I urge all readers and listeners to CALL IN
254-4111
We'll probably get some drunken frat boys calling us gay too, so it should be a good time.

anyway, there's the update on the radio show. More actual posts on the way, as I keep promising...

-Jordan

I guess they really couldn't handle our truth after all.

Moving At The Speed Of Silence-

Apologies for the delay in posts recently. While the most recent ones have of course been good enough to read over and over again, there are more in the works from all around but no time to do them. Thanks to WVOF student radio, we will now have some more time on our hands - namely the 2 hour time slot that was once taken by the legendary BROOKLYN WE BACK radio program. If you don't know this is a brilliant show hosted by me (DJ Sam Whiskey/DJ Delicious, or whatever) and Drew (DJ Hank Storm). Together we made up the Fairfield Massive. We've enjoyed a bunch of experiences at the radio station so far, including doing every single show without any pants.
Since the school year has started many of the selfish, bitchy students want their old shows back and a bunch of spoiled tart students want new shows so THE MAN thinks he can silence the voice of truth that is BROOKLYN WE BACK. I say fuck those students. Recognize quality when it's right there in front of you, licking your face.

At any rate, tonight will be, as far as I know, our last show for the school year. We are planning (in our heads) a lot of guests/callers, important topics of the day, brilliant playlists with music that will represent us as people and maybe some suprises up our sleaves. Unfortunately what we plan in our brains usually stays in our brains, so we'll see how the show goes. Make it better by calling in! it's your last chance!

**** 254-4111***

TONIGHT FROM 8-10pm! BROOKLYN WE BACK's final episode on 88.5 fm or wvof.org (more specifically: Click here for webstream and also click on our WVOF DJ page a million times to show them how popular we were, even if it is completely false.

Also, email the station manager and program director HERE and tell them that you want BROOKLYN WE BACK back on the air!

Check out the BWB blog at www.brooklynweback.blogspot.com

who knows, we may use it for something else in the mean time. This is by no stretch of the imagination the end of BROOKLYN WE BACK, believe you me.

So listen tonight, tell your friends, drive around town blasting it, park outside a popular hot spot and blast it, think dirty things while listening to our voices... etc etc. Call in!!

More to come

-Jordan (DJ Delicious)

It Begins... Artificial Intelligence is upon us

Technology has finally taken over and the robot apocolypse is now upon us. Bold statement? Maybe. True statement? Most definately.
Our lives are ruled by cellular phones, which send mind-numbing, cancerous, brain-washing waves through our heads (a tool the government will soon use to control us... if they haven't already), not to mention our glowing overlords the computers (to which I am obviously a slave already). Those of us who look forward  (or back) to the future have "Back To The Future"-inspired dreams of various hovering crafts (of the board and car variety), as well as Max Headroom dispensing New Coke brand "soda" to us, self drying rubber jackets, silver glasses for no apparernt reason and hats so revolutionary that they are a completely different color depending on which way you're looking at it, much like life itself.

These things sound nice, and maybe they will be our future, but what most people didn't count on was a more "Terminator"-like future where all of our technical marvels rise up against their creators, abandoning the Robot Rulez from "I-Robot" and gaining total control of what's left of the human race.

Thanks to Japan (again), this inevitable turn of fate has begun way faster than I had originally predicted. People, the seed that will sow the demise of all human kind has arrived, and it's name is "Nintendogs". It is a life-like simulation of a real dog where you get to pet it and walk it and feed it and watch it lick itself and hump your friends.

Simulating life-like dogs!? What's next? Simulating life-like cats? And from there it's a slippery slop to total robo-domination (not to be confused with the growing fetish of the same name).

The development of the end of human civilization/ beginning of robot civilization can be traced through Japan to the tween-year-old girl favorite called Tamagotchi. When it came out I couldn't quite understand the appeal. Ok let me get this straight - it's an egg shaped key chain toy with a tiny screen and a miniture digital creature on the screen which you have to "feed" otherwise it makes noise and dies? Sounds a lot like tween girls themselves.   Sign me up. Because I'm tired of awesome kick ass games where you fight goblins with a 3 foot saber and cut their arms off and beat them to death with them. Why run through a Nazi castle shooting Nazi's and wolves and Nazi-wolves in the face with a revolver? I'll buy myself a blinking egg instead so I can waste my time taking care of a digital image with almost no discernable characteristics whatsoever until it eventually dies.


Yes, it's another step closer to ruling out the need for animals in the real world, but "Nintendogs" is the stuff of nightmares. It's the beginning of the Android Age and the game will soon be followed by the disturbing and potentially dangerous robotic teddy bear from the movie "A.I.".

And followed soon after that will be the disturbing and potentially dangerous robot boy from "A.I". Hopefully after that will be the flamboyant  and potentially dangerous sex-bot gigolo from "A.I.", but I have my own personal reasons for that.


I thought "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire" was the end of the world as we know it, but I think this is at least a clear 2nd.

-Jordanbot

And I raaant, I rant all night and daaay

A few rants for today:

First of all, there is this awful family who have a notorious history with us. They have a kid with downs syndrome and a bunch of wild, whiney, bratty children. Most of the time they send this motley crew in the store with the Down Sydrome kid as their supervisor while his dad is in the local tavern the street. This is in the middle of the day, mind you. It's both sad and hilarious (sort of like the rest of the stories we write here). One time during my first year working at Media Wave when none of us were very familiar with this particular family and their strange ways we noticed the downs kid running around with his little brothers destroying the store and making a lot of f'ing noise. I mean, they were running a muck and out of control and this whole band of misfits was led by a mentally handicapped boy. Finally we had to say "whoa whoa whoa... what the fuck are you little bastards doing here? where the fuck are your parents?" (well, maybe not with the swears, but maybe.. depending on who said it) and the Down Syndrome kid says "He's in the bar"
Astounded, we looked at eachother and laughed. In the bar? What kind of a parent sends a group of wild kids, at least one of them being retarded, to run around and destroy a video store while he goes and knocks a few back in the middle of an afternoon? It's just reprehensible. But like nearly all reprehensible things in life, it's also really really funny.
Anyway, more and more they've been giving their retarded son the responsiblity/honor of coming in the video store alone to rent his own videos (still in charge of his little brothers). When left to his own devices, this kid ususally tries to rent really cheesy erotic sci-fi/adventure movies. It's really quite amusing to have to turn him down when he brings up "Morgana" to the counter. Perhaps if she only conquered and destroyed, but she also has to seduce and that's where I draw the line on corrupting retarded children. So not only do they leave the mentally challenged kid in charge of renting movies, they also leave him in charge of remembering when they are due and getting them in on time. Needless to say, it never quite works out that way and they usually have incredibley high late fees because they return their sci-fi porn 35 days late. Then his father comes in outraged as if he never let his son rent anything ever... but eventually he pays. They are super rich, in fact apparently they vacation on a private island and they they fight us to death for a 5 dollars on bringing back some bullshit movie a year late. Cheap fuck. (I swear, the richer you are the cheaper you are)
So let's get to the point... the handicapped kid is really nice and friendly and I like him. I guess he likes me because when I checked him out he wanted to give me his change as a tip. Now, it's not like he was giving me 12 dollars in change as a tip, it wsa 60 cents. However, his rich mom happened to be there with him and right in front of me told him "no no, don't give him a tip!" to which the boy mumbled "but mom! he was helpful and i want to tip him!" and she said "no no no honey lets go". Then the kid notices a charity box next to the door and says "fine mom lets put the change in here its not a tip" and she snaps back "No! that's a charity, we arent giving it to that either"

Wow... good to know there are rich people like that around, especially in times like this when people really need charity. We should get a $10 tip every single fucking time they come in because they give us the great oppertunity to babysit their wild brats and their retarded son. Great parents. Fairfield County Rules. Oh yea, and she laughed in Kevin's face when he told her we didn't have a public bathroom. What a cunt.

Here are two stories from the desk of Kevin:
This old guy comes in and asks Kevin if he's seen his son in here. Kevin asks him "What does he look like?" to which the old man says "I know what he looks like, he's my own son! you think I don't know what he looks like?"
Kevin had to take a breath of fresh air after that, and I don't blame him.

That kind of shit always seems to happen to Kevin. Another thing he told me today was that some dumb shit came in holding a PS2 disc on top of an empty case in his hand. Logically you'd think he'd put the disc in the empty case to keep it protected as is their intended purpose, or else maybe theres already something wrong with the disc. Instead of keeping it protected the guy is pushing the disc back and forth over the case, scratching it up for no reason. Kevin asks him politely if there is a reason why he has the disc out of the case, honestly wondering if there is already soemthing wrong with the disc, and the guy explodes at him, screaming "How dare you talking to me like that! You never speak to me with that attitude". Kevin says "I don't know what I said, but no offense intended. Maybe Paul should help you" and the irrate man says "YES, you're right he should! and then you should shut up!"
Oh man... if Paul wasn't there Kevin would have literally punched a whole through this mans head.


Hope this wasn't too long for your attention-deficit-disordered brains

-Jordan