Father's Day cards

 "It's not Duck Tape, it's Duct Tape"

Sitting here in the late afternoon in nothing but a bathrobe, window open, with a diminishing concern for what the neighbors think, I can’t help but feel I’m becoming more and more like my father. This is why I decided that for this Father’s Day, to honor the man who made me the socially unacceptable man in his image I am today, I’d start saving early and put a little effort in this year. That’s right, I decided to buy my Dad a Father’s Day card.

To my suprise, when I went the local CVS around 1:30 AM the night before, they did not have the wide selection I usually give them credit for. But what I did find what was a bunch of garbage. There is a serious lack of creativity and originality in the booming industry of greetings and related cards these days, and yet it seems that with the declining quality of cards comes an equal but opposite effect of skyrocketing prices. It looks like gas prices aren’t the only American lifeblood affected by the War in Iraq. The average price for Father’s Day cards in America today? 8 dollars. Well, maybe 3-4 dollars, but my research conflicts with my poor memory and lack of fundamental counting skills, so we’ll stick with my original figures. 8 dollars for a card? Gimme a break.

When does it become inappropriate for a grown man to give a much growner man a card designed for a child? I'd bet between 3 and 8 dollars on never, and I hope I’m right. If, however, my 65 year old father does not appreciate cartoon tigers expressing the many thankless duties of fatherhood in humorous and wacky ways as much as he pretends to, I see only 2 other choices: make my own card, or venture off to the Mahogany section (which, oddly enough, if not so much about furniture as it is stupid marketers targeting African Americans).

Here’s an example of the kinds of cards you’ll find at your average store. This card is for Father’s Day, but any holiday or Hallmark-invented reason for spending money on Hallmark can be easily substituted for it.

 




















Wait, what the duck?.... Oh, I get it! A DUCK! A TAPE! DUCT TAPE! hahahahaha. That stupid duck in glasses and a bowtie, which is already positively absurd, didn't actually get him a tape like a music cassette tape, he got him duct tape! I can only assume they chose that particular kind of tape because he is himself a duck. It's a clever pun and a good laugh had by all!

Do card makers have no shame? Is there anything called integrity or passion left in this field of art? Is that even a joke? It seems like the simple formula is “pick a word, any word at all, and make a bad pun out of it. Once you’ve gotten through the hard part, all you have to do is throw in a cartoon dad or a cartoon animal, or better yet – a cartoon animal dad! And then you’re done!”

So little effort was put into this card, and so little sense can be made of it, that it would be a crime to pay for it. What does a duck have to do with Father’s Day? Is my dad a duck? Am I a duck? Is that little duck supposed to represent me, the son, the card giver? I’ll tell you one thing right now, Hallmark, I may wear glasses and a bowtie, but I ain’t no duck.

I got a little tired of this formula, and the puns are bad even for me. This led me to creating my very own original “Happy _____ Day Card”!

It cuts to the chase and gets the job done without any stupid jokes ruining the fun. The formula is now: Cartoon Animal + Holiday = Card



You can add in any holiday of your choice – Birth Day, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Bastille Day, Boxing Day, Gay Pride Month Day, whatever. I chose to add Father’s for my Father’s Day card, but I was leaning heavily towards Gay Pride Month Day just to throw him off and see if he went along with it.

Check out more "Hey, I'm a dog!" cards at the brand new Hey, I'm A Dog Card Series! home page/superstore.


-Jordan