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The Showcase of Depravity

This is the long hard truth. It goes extra deep.

"Comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy, that's funny." The Showcase of Depravity showcases... depravity. Wisdom and humor from the perspective of a few disgruntled (& sexy) video store professionals.

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

I'm the victim of a hate crime

I was walking in to the store from my lunch break and in order to do so I had to pass through a gauntlet of 13 year old kids who all think they're incredibly cool and everything they do is fucking hilarious (much like me). Fact is, it's not. But the following story is:

In the first part of my journey to the door a young girl stopped me and yelled "I LOVE YOUR HAIR". Not an unusual reaction from the ladies (of all ages), but this girl followed it in classic 13 year old annoying girl fashion and said "I'm your best friend now, will you be my best friend?" and offered me some flower petals.
I was like "say what? don't talk to me like that, Johnny Law might be lookin out, I don't wanna get pegged as a statutory rapist... again". She said "Be my best friend!" and I kept on a walkin. The nice thing about 13 year olds is I keep gettin older and they stay the same age.

I almost got to the door and, having thought I was through the heavy patch of adolescence, I walked confidently up to the door when this little ugly lookin black kid (I mention he's black cause it's important later, not cause I'm racist) yells from half a block away "ARE YOU A HIPPIE??".

I was flabbergasted. What do you say to that? I first had to question, Am I a hippie? Does the fact that people constantly ask me to sell them weed because I have a "wild red afro" make me a hippie? I didn't have time to reevaluate my life style choices, so I just said "What the hell did you just say?" and he walks closer and says
"Are you a hippie? Do you smoke fat joints, that you practically suck on all day, and do you believe in mother nature?"

I was stunned and had no idea how to reply to that. What a weird thing to say, huh? "Fat joints that you practically suck on all day"? Was he trying to say that I'm gay too, or does he just use colorful language without knowing its implication?
I felt like this bratty little bitch of kid had stumped me, he had won the battle of wits by saying something so completely out of the blue and weird that I had no way to squash his dumb little ego into the ground.
I said "uuh... I believe in nature, yea", which at the time I thought would make a fool of him because, after all, how do you not believe in nature? The kid was stupid, that's what I'm saying. Turns out I walked right into his spider web...

Then he walks up closer, SPITS ON THE GROUND NEXT TO ME and yells "Well I spit on your beliefs!" and then he runs away.
I start yelling profanities at him but by now it didn't have quite the same affect as yelling profanities at a child might normally have.

I go in the store to recoup and come to terms with the hate crime that was just perpetrated against me. I was verbally violated by a 13 year old and not in the way I like it.
I tell the other employees about my experience and as I'm finishing up the story the fuckin kid comes back in with 2 flower heads in his hand [I just realize now that he and that stupid girl were probably desecrating the meager flower bed that attempts to stay alive in front of the store. Those bastards!]. He's either going to try to make fun of me further by offering me flowers because I'm a "hippie who believes in nature", or try to apologize. I figured the latter (because by calling him a punk I bet I really taught him a lesson, that's how it works with kids), but either way I took the opportunity to put the fear of God in the boy:

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS STORE THIS INSTANT. YOU DON'T SPIT AT SOMEONE, YOU DON'T SPIT ON SOMEONE'S PROPERTY!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!! WHO RAISED YOU?! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!". I got all up in his grill n shit, it was pretty sweet. It was a surge of power I rarely ever feel among my peers, let alone quick-witting pre-teens.
Mike, who was with me the whole time, didn't think that was enough and still thinks the kid got the best of me. Maybe so, but I've never yelled at anyone like that, especially not a kid, and it gave me a nice feeling of power and a glance into my child-reering future, and I liked it. I'm going to raise bratty kids just so I can yell my head off at them and feel powerful. Next time you guys see some punk kid on the street, do the same thing. You'll thank me.

So later that day Kevin tells me that the girls that had originally asked me to be their best friend came in looking for the kid claiming that he had stolen 20 dollars from them. I knew that kid was a fucking punk. I mentioned he was black earlier because the girls subtly described him as "the ugly kid, you know... the ugly black kid".
Kevin's new theory is that kids in today's world and in this town are so corrupt that those girls probably concocted this story and the kid never stole anything from them but they figured since he was black they could get away with blaming him and maybe make a free 20 bones. I agree with him. Those girls were vicious. And apparently racist. So we've got racist coniving girls and

So, I might end up taking the kid to court for a hate crime. It's about time this town saw a Trial of the Century, and against a little bitch kid no less.

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