I Try to Describe Something I Watched on Discovery Channel Last Night and Fail Miserably

So, I come into work today and Jordan's crying (literally - his shirt was wet down the front) about how he got a flat tire at 1 a.m. and he had to wait for the tow truck in the subzero weather and blah-blah-blah... Then, after patiently waiting for him to finish his sob story, I start to tell him an even more terrifying tale: the story of the dolphin murders. Or, more accurately, "The Dolphin Murders," cuz it was a documentary I watched last night on The Discovery Channel. Only, when I was trying to tell it, the shocking importance failed to translate.

"So, all these dolphins washed ashore and when they cut them open they found out that they all this internal damage like someone had beaten them up." And that's about as far as my story goes, because I fell asleep before it was over. But I'm pretty sure it had a showstopping conclusion, my guess is the dolphin murders were perpetrated by one of the following:

1.) A bat wielding octopus, because eight arms can do a hell of a lot of damage, especially when each one is swinging a bat.

2.) The evil dad from "Desperate Housewives."

3.) Two words: sea turtle

4.) Bill O'Reilly

5.) Some kind of underwater robot that was designed and programmed by the US government but became intelligent, broke away from its creators, and is now going on a transatlantic dolphin killing spree.

I hope to finish this fine program tonight and report back as to who the real culprit is. This is more exciting than the first season of "Murder One."

Drew.