(pre)Halloween Quote #2

I've never quite gone into any depth about our UPS man, but suffice it to say that the stereotypical "crazy postman" is not exclusive to the federal postal service, and may even be redefined by our UPS man. I guess if your job forced you to wear officially issued matching brown socks every day, you might be a little insane too; but which came first: the chicken or the egg?
For examples of his utterly strange, sociopathic tendencies, here are a few short summaries of things he's told us:

-Through some sort of pervert- grapevine, we became aware that he likes scheisser (or "scat") porn. Fortunately we don't rent that kind of material... yet.
-He went on some kind of sky-diving-for-Jesus vacation, which he video taped and had us make copies of.
-His other vacation was to visit the site of the Oklahoma City bombing, which he enjoyed so much that he made it the destination of at least one other vacation trip. Come on, that's pretty demented.

So today he came in and said "I hate Halloween, all the kids running around... This year I'm going to dress up as Mark Foley."
For those out of the loop, Mark Foley is the former U.S Representative who sent dirty instant messanges to young boys (and then blamed his behavior on "alcoholism". Yea, you and me both, buddy). It would be a pretty funny joke/costume, if he had said it with any hint of a sense of humor. Though now I am thinking about how funny it would be to use that as a costume tomorrow when all of Fairfield's tiny costumed kids walk down Post Road, or "Safety Street" as it is being promoted as for Halloween, to trick-or-treat, with me standing there handing out candy in a suit.
When parents say, "Well aren't you dressed nicely! Who are you supposed to be?"
and I say "Former Representative Mark Foley", the look on their faces would be priceless. And by priceless, I mean costly, since it would probably cost me my job.

That doesn't mean I won't do it... come by tomorrow to see.

-Jordan

(pre)Halloween Quote

(pre)Halloween quote of the day:

Cute Little Boy: "I'm dressing up as a Power Ranger!"
Me: "Awesome! Which one? The Blue Ranger?" (cause that was the white guy in the show)
Cute Little Boy: "The Forest Green Ranger!"
Me: "Forest Green? Seriously? That's a ranger? Wow, that's pretty gay"

Forest Green? Did they really run out of colors? What race is forest green supposed to represent, the Irish? Give me a break.

Also, this dude just came in with gold earrings on each ear that cover almost his entire earlobe - not unlike 4-finger rings - that say "FREAKY" in fancy letters. If I had any money, that's how I would spend it.

-Jordan

I have an oriental friend, so I can say that

I was just assisting a startlingly jovial, almost wacky man who reminded me of Will Farrell as Harry Caray. Outside of this resemblance and his overall demeanor and awkward (intimidating?) height, nothing made the experience particularly blog worthy, and then it happened. Out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere, he started doing what most would consider an extremely un-PC impression of an Asian, or as he might say, an oriental.

I said "that'll be 3 dollars"
and he goes "tree dollah! tree dollah!", as if me saying a dollar amount warranted and welcomed his best Vietnamese prostitute voice. This actually marks the first time in my retail career or my entire life where a good offensive Asian impression wasn't called for. Had he added "me love you long time", it would have been a home run.

I smirked out complete confusion and lack of any other better response (perhaps I should have said 'Sir, my mother was a Vietnamese prostitute. Take your movie and get out of my sight"), thinking it was some kind of strange fluke in his normal, socially acceptable behavior. How wrong I was. On his way out, he went back into racist stereotype mode and muttered nonsensical Chinese-sounding words to himself while walking, as if only for his own amusement, which was clearly achieved.
"Ching chang ting tong wong fong ding dong", and so forth. A regular buck-tooth, slanty-eyed yellowman rice eater, alright.
His pointless offensiveness notwithstanding, you can't beat some classic racism to lighten to mood and bring a smile to your face. Me rikey!

-Jordan