DVDs of the Week 1

Every week our UPS man, like the sociopathic Santa Claus that he is, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby - that only happened once and it wasn't nearly as wacky as "Three Men and a Baby" (but far wackier than "Three Men and a Little Lady"). I am refering of course to our shipment of new DVD's every week contained in which are some of the most ridiculous things ever put to film, or in many cases, put straight to DVD. It's my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.



Boys Town
Not to be confused with the other classic "Boys Town 90069", although equally as suggestive.
The banner on the bottom reads:
"The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung"
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly sexual as it is... or was it? Considering the proper conjugation of "hang" (as in to death) would be "hanged," me thinks the message is clear. The picture looks like a court illustrator's rendition of an older man, perhaps an English teacher who didn't know what he was getting into, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path. Let's face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it's a "come hither" stare, or you might even say a "come have sex with me again" stare, if you're particularly vulgar and perceptive. He's got his shirt collar loosened and he's ready for... whatever.
It also includes "Men Of Boys Town", another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period (and every time period following it).

Either way, if you're anything like me, you'll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, even if it's only vaguely sexual.


Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Much like Scorcesse's controversial "The Last Temptation of Christ," his new film addresses the similar notion of a more human Santa and his natural temptations. At least, I assume this is a Scorcesse film.
Classic thespian of screen and little screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can't imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.




Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America's Favorite Quiz Show


I've always said "don't trust a man who shaves his mustache" and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera's journalistic integrity - it all comes back to the mustache.



Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it's the fact that he's talking on a "cordless" phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he's in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I'm pretty sure it's all about the mustache.

Alex Trebek broke the nation's trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink.

Unfortunately this "documentary" is not an expose of Trebek's treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy"Inside Look" story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? Besides, I'm pretty sure that "Wheel Of Fortune" is America's favorite game show, and you know why? It's not just because every American can guess the correct answers, it's because Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but more importantly, he never shaved one off. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.


That's it for last week's DVD Picks. If you didn't notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of "Three Men and a Baby", the best movie of all time.

-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.

Classic Films of the Urban Variety... Vol. 1, Part 1

Every week among our large number of DVDs we get into our growing catalog come low budget, low grade "Urban" genre films. Low budget or not, these movies are great in their own way, and the following box art will show you just how great. Keep in mind these are all actual movies that exist in reality, and that Media Wave has for rental.

To start this off right, I give you...


I Accidently Domed Your Son
"It started as an innocent party, but ended as a deadly trip"
we have this filed in Comedy. It's actual genre is unconfirmed, because parents burying their children is never funny.

My favorite part of the cover is the license plate that says "KILLA," which would imply that perhaps this "doming" was no "accident."

There is some confusion here, not just on the intentions behind the doming, but also on the interpretation of the verb "dome." I've heard it used to mean either "to perform fellatio" and "to shoot in the head," and I'm pretty sure that the title could go either way and would probably change the movie only slightly. And either way, the question here is, can you ever really dome anyone accidentally?

On IMDB.com, the only summary written for this movie is by Ryan Combs, who I discovered is actually the writer/director and one of the leading actors in the movie. But let us not forget that when Leaves of Grass was published, Walt Whitman too had to write his own favorable reviews on the internet.

"

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume; I accidentally domed your son "

And to finish this edition off:

Sweet Potato Pie
"The First Slice Is Always The Sweetest"

Like all books, everything you need to judge this by is on the cover.

Already we see that it has all the classic urban stereotypes, including "the girl," and "the three guys."

Another cover here with ingenius compositional qualities with the main characters IN a pie itself.
 Not to mention the "Sweet Pie" herself, holding, with all the subtlety of Larry Flynt, a real sweet potato pie next to her own "sweet POTATO pie" (here we use the word "potato" to mean "vagina").

So the plot is classic but still fresh: 3 guys trying to get laid. Yes, it's been done before, but the question the producers had to ask themselves about this was "but has it been done URBAN-STYLE?" the answer is probably a whole lot, so their answer is Sweet Potato Pie. Correct answer!

The best thing about these covers is facial expressions, which reveal immediately whether that character will be all like "SAY WHAAT?" or all like "OH NO HE DIDN'T!" or like "EXCUSE ME?". And that's the kind of thing you need to know about a movie before you rent it.

Hope you enjoyed Volume 1 of this ongoing series. The next form of this will be in Classic Films of the Adult Variety, which promises to be quite adult but without much variety.