Drew's Comment of the Day

(Original date: 12/11/05. Why this was drafted and not posted I don't know. I feel like maybe it was and I wanted to add to it but never did. Anyway here it is, another slice of Media Wave life for the 0 readers that remain checking this blog after 3 years of inactivity).


As some of you may know, we have are able to write notes on customers accounts which pop up in small windows, much like pop-up windows, in front of the account alerting the employee to important things about the customer, like whether or not they are hot, how annoying they are, a quick andicdote about a confrontation we got in with him or something stupid they did. It can also be used for business related notes as well.
Most of the comments consist of things like "I'd do her" or "maybe the most annoying person ever" or "if it was between this customer and _____ (enter customer name here), whose butt/tampon/butt tampon would you rather lick?" (those are always from Jeff).
Sometimes I'll go out of my way to brighten everyone's day with some extremely clever wit with a comment like if their name is Flicker I tend to write "Flicker? I hardly know her!"
Funny as that is regularly, it works especially well when the customer's name is something like Creamer and Harder, which are in fact real names. After 4 years I can safely say no one is tired of reading the same joke all the time, and I'm certainly not tired of writing it. Thus, similarly, I still have this blog.

So today I saw a note that Drew wrote on the account of someone named Kobel that stuck me as particularly nerdy and Drewesque:

"Interesting fact, Kobel is also the name of an enemy planet on Battlestar Galactica"

God Crimminy, can you get any more nerdy than that??
Probably.

-Jordan

Showcase of Depravity: A new Micro Web Series on Youtube! we finally made it!

Hey... It's been a while. I hope you're well. No, I guess I didn't realize it was this late, did I wake you? Are you just saying that, or did I really? Cause it sounds like I did. I mean, it is late - I did? Really? Ok, well I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you - I thought you'd be interested... No, I'm not blogging somewhere else, why would you say that? I'm still waiting for US to work... what? I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry.

Anyway, so you remember that blog I wrote with that guy named Drew? About working at Media Wave? The Showcase of Depravity? mediawave.blogspot.com ? Yea, that long winded one. I mean, I thought it was funny, but - OK FINE, you read it regularly, I get it. Whatever. The point IS...

NOW IT'S A MICRO WEB SERIES (did i invent that term?) on YOUTUBE! as in, I have had videos of antics behind the counter at Media Wave that I documented on my cell phone camera sitting on my computer, and finally uploaded them to youtube.
It's organized under Showcase of Depravity heading, as it's own series.
So far there are 6 short episodes. There will be more when I upload them, but I have to let viewer anticipation build, of course.

all 6 are on Youtube, but here are the first 3:
Episode 1: "C.R.E.A.M." jeff schools drew on everything around him, featuring jeff's trademark Party Ghost Yelp






Episode 2: "hit me chump" jeff schools drew on the beat down









Episode 3: "A Lesson Learnt" (this one is clearly the best) jeff schools drew on rape. oooh wha ah ah ah!


here is the link to the playlist where all 6 can be found:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=EBD4B463BB2C48C1
or just at my youtube, www.youtube.com/jordanclifford

ah, this stuff brings me back to the good ol' days, the ones where jeff dry-raped me every day.
they're mostly just 10 second videos of Drew and Jeff fighting, humping each other, or dancing. Sometimes all three. Giving it an potential demographinc of 3 people. It's mhad gey.
They're HORRIBLE quality, as they are taken from a 3 year old camera phone, then made bigger to fit youtube. deal with it.


There are a lot of unfinished Showcase of Depravity posts sitting as drafts here on blogspot, so maybe in the near future I'll work on finishing them and keeping this blog semi-alive.
for those interested in what I'm doing right now, well, I'm in Boston, actually working at an independent video store that is a doppleganger of Media Wave. It's even called Mike's Movies, just like the Mike's Pizza which Media Wave is right next to. is that a stretch of coincidence? I don't know, I don't control fate, it's just true. No, I didn't move to Boston to transfer video stores, I'm also in school still, so for now it's sort of excusable that I still work at a video store. Surprisingly, and disappointingly, there aren't nearly as many funny stories at my new job. There's a whole lot more PORN, and maybe I'll take my sporadic "Porn Title of the Week" text messages to the web, we'll see. Look forward to all that.

-Jordan

Korn singer could've been a legend in death, instead just a whiner in life

original date: 10/15/06

I was reading old music news stories from earlier this summer and I came across the headline “Korn Cancel Tour”, and being the dedicated Korn fan and jet set traveler that I am, I had to read on.

"Korn were forced to kancel the rest of their European tour after singer Jonathan Davis was diagnosed with immune thrombokytopenik purpura, a blood disorder. 'If I kontinued to headbang onstage, I kould have had a brain hemorrhage and dropped dead on the stage", writes Davis on the band's web site.'" (Cs replaced with Ks by me, for fun)

Did it ever occur to Jonathan Davis how fucking badass he would be if he died from headbanging? It would be his only chance at becoming a metal legend, nay, a metal god among men, and a really, really awesome one at that. Considering he is on is way, if not deep into obscurity, dying on stage from headbanging would really be the best possible thing that could happen in his career at this point.

I can see the headline now,
"Metal Misspeller Dies From Rocking Too Hard,
North Americans and some Europeans About To Rock Salute Him", (kind of a long one, eh?)

"Metal Band Sue Selves For Knowingly Contributing To Death of Singer With Annoying Moustache" (also long)

"Headbanging Causes Death, Parents Of World Agree: 'We Told You So'"

"Headbanging Causes Headaches, Death"

"Korn Singer First To Die From Rocking, Hopefully Not The Last” (way harsh)

I would hope, however, in the event that this happens, that Korn try to continue their tour with the singer as if nothing happened, a la Weekend At Bernie's.

American Idol Rejects flock to Media Wave

(original date: 12/23/05)

The other day I was confronted with one of those quintessential awkward moments that defines what I think is so funny about serious people, one of those every day Seinfeldesque, if you will, kind of moments of that makes you absolutely question what goes on in someone's head.

I was helping a middle aged woman and her son who was picking out video games to rent. I wasn't paying much attention to her; she probably wanted my shit or something because she hung around my register for a good amount of time while her son was searching for just the right video game that would allow him to experience sex and violence all in one , a quest that took about as much as was necessary for his mom to annoy me to my very core, right down to the back of my balllls.

As she's standing there, awkwardly occupying the space in front of me for no reason, she starts to sing. And I do mean that exactly. Not hum, not whistle, not mumble a few lines of a song she heard on the radio, but SING...
Now, what is so universal about this behavior is that she is one of those people who has a semi-decent voice but is excessively confident about her vocal talents. Because she can barely carry a note to untrained ears, she honestly thinks she is treating all around her to her musical gift. We all know people like this who put in that extra effort to blatantly making their voice the center of whatever environment they're in, to make their voice sound gooder than the average singing-in-the-shower voice when singing a little random song that's rattling around their brain, thereby making the song sound FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

To people with good voices, or even semi-good voices: No one but you is comfortable with you making a scene of your own voice, especially in completely random times and places, completely out of nowhere, while pretending not to notice that you're trying to belt out a mini opera while people are shopping or simply minding their own. Stand outside your own head for a minute, and you won't like what you hear.

Stupidity begets irritability

(original date: 3/25/06)

Here are some stupid questions I just don't understand someone asking, and the responses I'd like to give:
(almost every phone call is exactly like this, no exaggeration)

Caller: Yea...
Me: You start a phone call with 'yea'?
Caller: ... I was wondering if I could ask you a question?
Me: .... yea, yes, of course, why else would you call? go ahead, you're already wasting my time.
Caller: Ok can you check if you have a movie?
Me: .... No, actually we have no way to tell which movies we have. It's based on random luck. No, I'm kidding, of course. Fuck you. Obviously I can check if I have a movie, which movie??
Caller: Ok, it's a really old movie, you probably don't have it
Me: It's weird how you knew we didn't have it but called anyway. You're right, though. After all, why would a movie rental store have old movies?
Caller: It's really old, you've probably never heard it.
Me: You're right again. Also, I can't spell, so it'll be hard trying to look it up on this thing they call a com-pu-ter?
Caller: It's called Con Air? Do you have it? You probably don't.
Me: You're probably right, so I don't have to look it up. Excellent. Thanks for calling?

My dad is inappropriate

(original date: 3/2/06)

"Here comes your mother, put your pants back on"

I would say that this must seem hilarious when taken out of context, but there was no real context in the first place. I was sitting here with my pants on, it's just as random and out of context to me as it is to you.

The mysteries of my father probably won't be unraveled until after his death when we discover some secret hidden boxes of letters and journals in the attic... But then again, I'm sure such a thing would probably only serve to confuse us further. And we don't have an attic, so that would be even more confusing. Meta.

He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons

(original date: 2/19/06. may have been a post on What The Balls, but i can't remember)

This week I have 2 great pictures that go together in a piece I like to call "He Said, She Said, They're Both Morons"

I'll start with the first picture because I have no personal connection to it, other than personal admiration.

This is guy is an absolute genius. Look at that smirk spread across his face. I have no idea what the pass hanging around his neck is for, but it seems like it could be anything, from an Sailor Moon convention to an Anime porn convention, or anything in between.
You really can't walk out of the house into a public place wearing a shirt like that and not know you're going to be the subject of a few photographs. You've gotta be in a certain frame of mind to pull this off, and I don't think this guy has any other frames of mind outside of this one. God bless him.

I have to give credit to Mike (of Freezer Burn infamy) for giving me this random picture today, thus gelling this post together.

Now the complimentary picture to the first one, with a personal backstory:

This is Felicia, she's a 15 year old girl that I stalk online. Well, that's the long story short. The long story long is the title of a porn I plan to make. Either way, at least makers of clever slogan T-shirts are concerned with gender equality, in some way, I guess.

Super Super Bowl Post - Hero of the Year: Ric Seaberg, from What The Balls

(Original date: 2/7/06. Definitely posted on What The Balls, but it deserves another skimming. In fact, it inspired a new correspondence/friendship with the wife of the following person...)

Well, there weren't any nipples exposed at this year's Superbowl, so I made an effort to expose both of mine during the halftime show. It didn't quite upset the country like Janet's iron-clad protuberance, but maybe that's because it was in the privacy of my own home... although my dad was reasonably disturbed, so at least I got through to someone.

When trying to find an appropriate picture for the brilliant "Superbowl XL" piece that you just read, I ended up stumbling upon more than just an amazing superbowl picture, I found this weeks Random Picture of the Week as well... Or did the picture find me?
As you will see, there is so much more to this weeks picture than usual.

Here's the superbowl picture:

and now from the very same personal webpage, The Random Picture of the Week:

There's more to this picture than you think.
First of all, forget the fact that you're looking at 2 pirates, one being in a wheelchair - the modern answer to the peg-legged pirate - awkwardly posed in front of the superbowl. Notice that each pirate hat has a different flamboyantly colored feather sticking out of it. They've got kind of a Star Wars/colored dueling light saber colors thing going on. Now, I've never known pirates to wear colored feathers out of their hats, but then again I've never known any pirates... unless you count those koreans that hijacked my ship in international waters, but I wouldn't say I really knew them.


Second, notice the dog calendar hanging on the door in the back. Classic pirate choice. Other typical content of pirate calendars: Wenches & Maids, Various Ports, Justin Timberlake. You might wonder what pirates need calendars for, but it's obviously so they can make down their birthdays.

Most importantly, the guy in the picture. No, not the guy in the wheelchair. Get over it. The other guy.

This guy:

His name is Ric Seaberg. From his website bio:
A well known Portland daily newspaper columnist once described Ric Seaberg this way: "In a kinder and gentler world, he would have been a rock star."
Too bad we live in an unkind world, Seaberg. Apparently he was in some band in the 70's and now puts out his own independently distributed solo albums that are reminiscent not of Jimmy Buffet but of the Jimmy Buffett parody Coconut Pete from "Club Dread".
Also from his website bio:

There are few who can match his wordsmithing talents (for example, he once rhymed maharaj with garage in a song), his lyrics are distinctive and memorable. Ric's songs "Didn't Say I Love You Right" and "We Talk About Cars" both appear on NPR's "Car Talk" compilation cds, available at www.cartalk.com...

As far as I can tell, this guy is awesome. He isn't just awesome because he writes song lyrics like this:

"I took my wife's dry cleaning to the Goodwill store
What a nice donation...there was jubilation
When the cashmere sweaters that my wife adores
Hit the sweater hangers of the Goodwill store

There they were in the hallway....bagged up for the trip
Twelve sweaters and dresses...Shoes bras and a slip
"Take this one to "Dress For Success"....go by there first!
Take the rest to charity...but not this one...
Which belongs to me!.....

(Solo
Bridge)
I know that people make mistakes...everybody does
But this might call for suicide...cuz when I saw those tears she cried
I fought back the tears myself......actin' mighty tough
But she said she felt fine enough...
Since I could buy her all new stuff!"

Uh... yea. Anyway, the other reason he rules is that he seems to have a handi-capable sidekick in a wheelchair.

Check out that genius train conductor. He's wearing shorts for crying out loud, have you ever seen that before? AND a big red hat. AND he willingly posed for this picture, which occured to someone as being a picture perfect moment.
Not to mention for some reason pictures of people enjoying, really enjoying the ride on the wheelchair platform makes me laugh. It's like a picture from an amusement park, or at the very least a county fair. You know it made you laugh too.

For that, and reasons made clear in the following pictures, he is awesome:

This is Ric in his prime, sporting the rarely attempted braided mullet. I would've like to have known him then, damn. Anyone who can get that done to their hair and then put a picture of himself with it online is a man worth knowing.

He's like a candle in the wind. He's also like a white guy with a braided mullet. Either way, it's beautiful.

Ever better than that, apparently this is where he lives:

With all the conveniences of modern day nomadic life and all the charm of the deep south. It is humble, but you'd be surprised how spacious it is inside (in fact there are pictures of the whole interior on his website). I hear he's waiting on the zoning commissioner to approve installing a mobile pool in the back yard. It will make the property value sky rocket.

And a taste of his recording legacy:

This is one of his many professionally made album covers. Don't ask, because I have no fucking idea. "There Goes Rhymin' Pie Man" tells us a lot, though. For one thing, he has no time for the letter G. That's generally a good sign in song writers and pie men. A combination of the two is rarely seen. It also has a hometown feel to it, as if the title is a quote from the neighborhood kids who see him as they're playing stick ball and trading baseball cards or drugs or whatever kids do these days, as Rhymin' Pie Man walks by, presumably towards his Pie Shoppe (as it would be spelled), presumably rhymin' whilst walkin' (or skippin', as the situation sees fit). God I want to live in that made up world I just made up.

Check out his website www.ricseaberg.com for more amazing pictures and weirdness.

So there you have it folks, 3 posts in 1! - it began as one sentence and just wouldn't let me stop until Ric Seaberg was given proper justice.

********************************************

For those interested, here is the lovely comment that Mrs. Seaberg posted on What The Balls.

Greetings Mr. What the Balls, thank you for giving me such pleasure today. You had me laughing til tears were running down my knees... Your blog entry about my dearly beloved is very witty and greatly appreciated here... we both laughed our asses off. I'm just so disappointed to learn you live in Conn., that's so far away. I wanted to invite you to dinner. And we would let you take a ride on the wheelchair lift too!!!!

So we would love to meet you someday, maybe you'll make it to Portland. Look us up! Or maybe we'll pull our airstream up to your curb one day and let you come inside and take a look see.

The world is a better place because your blog is in it... but I guess you knew that already.
Take care,
The wife